Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

AND THE PFFFFT AWARD FOR WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR TO REVIEW GOES TO:






Monsturd (2009)

I know picking the worst movie in May might be premature, but I think you'll understand. This movie alone should send prospective subscribers screaming to get away from the dubious movie service Screampix (now called Screambox) on YouTube (see review of that so-called 'service' and recent update on 6/8/14). I mean, besides all the movies that are 'not available', movies that stop and say they're over when they're not, or just back up 15 minutes to half an hour and you have to find your place again.

What can you learn from this movie? Don't ask your kid to tell you a bedtime story. That's how this comes about (I almost said how it comes out but caught myself.) when a dad is too pooped to tell his little one a story. She comes up with this:

In a nice little town there's a nasty chemical factory developing some bacteria that can duplicate itself. I think it can already do that, can't it? But supposedly this one mutates and they've got to get rid of the evidence. What better place than the sewer?

Meanwhile a mean killer named Jack Schmidt (Get it? No? Really?) escapes from prison and hides... in the sewers. Do we get the rest of the story now? After being melted by the green (mutated horrid stuff is always green) goo in the sewers, Jack rises again as a giant, uh, doodyman. Okay, he's a monsturd. Happy?

Here's a list of my favorite lines from this movie:
  • You've been watching too many crappy horror movies
  • Don't get caught with your pants down

Umm, that's it. It's not like this movie is particularly deep. Just smelly. So Jack the monsturd goes around getting his revenge by coming up out of toilets, killing people and writing on the walls (hmm, he must get around in public stalls a lot) and generally making a smelly, gross mess. The town's heroic sheriff must face ridicule and find a way to get rid of this... thing before the town's chili cookoff. I am not making this up. So they prepare for battle. First, order a million flies to attack Jack. 

Umm, wouldn't flies just transport that stuff around and infect... ah skip it. Second, buy every bottle of Pepto Bismol in the state. Add all the disposable diapers and Super Soakers and they're ready for battle. Wait - if Pepto is for diarrhea wouldn't it make the solid Jack sh... um monster even stronger? And why am I even asking questions?

Armed with diapers and Super Soakers filled with the pink stuff they attack the monster as it approaches all the chili-lovin' population. Just then their friend with the million flies shows up with them IN A CAT CARRIER (apparently these flies are too stupid to just go through the grate) and releases them, and we get some really, uh, close shots of flies eating sh.... the monster. And the sheriff is a hero. And the father committed the little girl to a mental institution for coming up with this story. Just kidding.