Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, May 2, 2013


Pet Sematary (1989) / Pet Sematary 2 (1992)

I've often said there is very little that scares me - especially in movies. Monsters, zombies, psychos with chain saws, pfft. Piece of cake. A toddler with a scalpel? Brrr... Now I've never had kids but THAT is something to be frightened of. Excuse me, of which to be frightened. Didn't mean to end my sentence with a preposition. Or did I?

When I first saw these two movies there was a whole lot I liked and very little I didn't. Even then, I thought using a little kid was not great for a horror story - but then again like I said, what could be scarier than a toddler coming at you with a scalpel? Not much.

Watching with a more critical (and smart ass) eye I can see these films are a bit dated and when they talk about remake, I kind of shiver and wonder at the same time. I mean, there were a few things wrong with these movies that I'd kind of like to see either addressed, corrected or just done a whole lot better.

Pet Sematary: Not to mess with the great King, but in the first movie, if you were moving into a house with children and you were a doctor (meaning you have money) and you knew the road was dangerous and big trucks sped past, wouldn't you fence off your yard? And keep your cat inside? Fixing a cat, as their 'solution' was in the first movie to 'keep him from wandering' was kind of dumb. He won't be looking for love, but cats still do a lot of exploring, fixed or not.

Where are the police? Okay it's a small town but hey, that doesn't mean there's no law. If a whole CEMETERY has been built just for the animals the trucks have demolished, you'd think that there'd been at least a couple of people included also. Hey, pedestrians get hit in the part of Portland, Oregon where the speed limit is below 25 MPH - these trucks must be doing 80.

And how 'bout lovable ole' Jud? Nice enough guy who can't keep his mouth shut. Yeah, I know, if he did we wouldn't have a movie, but he spills his guts about this whole 'get your dead stuff back' deal and then spends the rest of the movie telling Louis (the father) not to do what he spent lengths to explain to him. Uh, okay.

So of course when Louis loses the cat he didn't take care of and the toddler son he didn't build a fence for, he does the inevitable despite Jud's and Victor's protests. Who was Victor? Hmm... having a kid hit by a truck (THERE IT IS) and mangled and following you around rotting slowly giving you advice you ignore, where have we seen that? Ah yes, American Werewolf In London, where David Naughton's best friend, savaged by a werewolf keeps appearing to him more and more messed up through the movie. 

The book Pet Semetery was written in 1983, the movie AWIL made in 1981 by John Landis... okay. Let's leave that one alone - except to compare poor Victor to little toddler Gage. Gage, maybe 2 years old is splatted by a high speed truck. When he comes back, he's got a nice, neat scar on his forehead. That's it. And how can he come back anyway after being embalmed (assuming there would have been enough left to embalm)?

Oh and of course, in the end, when Louis takes his wife Rachel out there and she returns and kills him, where does she go? Did she just gradually fall apart? Inquiring minds and smart asses like me wanna know.

Pet Sematary Two (II): Umm, I didn't enjoy this one as much as I did the first time, probably because of the violence towards animals. Yeah, I know they regulate that so no animal is ever hurt, doesn't mean I like to watch it. If people are going to be nasty psychopaths to each other, well, they can go right ahead and do that. But leave the bunnies, cats (especially harmless kittens) and dogs out of it, okay? 

Although I did enjoy the performances by the then-still-cute Edward Furlong, and Clancy Brown, who before this had enjoyed thoroughly in Highlander. But watching this again I can see why they ran out of steam for any chance of a Pet Semetery 3.

Still doesn't mean we really NEED a remake. Whose gonna be Gage - Chucky? <Bad joke, sorry>