Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, May 17, 2013

MORE SNOT FLOWIN' THAN IN THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT




Crowsnest (2012) Canada

Will somebody PLEASE outlaw found footage movies already??? Haven't we been punished for our sins enough? With this piece of garbage I kept reading in the meager descriptions that this was found footage and released by the police. Since there's no mention of that at all at the beginning or end of the movie I had the distasteful duty of re-watching both beginning and ending to find it. Nope. So my only conclusion there is that this is one of the few times Netflix has failed and the beginning of the movie was cut off. No loss there let me tell you, but that also meant no credits, no title and no explanation. 

Netflix is a good service, this happens very seldom - their most excruciatingly frustrating FAIL was when I was watching the first episode of Kolchak: The Night Stalker, a 70's TV show I liked as a kid and THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE LAST FIVE MINUTES OF THE DAMN THING! That's right - Kolchak is about to meet 'The Ripper' and BLAM - it moves to the next episode. We. Were. NOT. Happy. Fortunately they fixed that a few months later.

Okay so according to the IMDb Crowsnest is a found-footage movie about five people who go to a cabin for the weekend (So of course the whole damn thing is original, right?) but on the way they get lost, despite having a navigation system and find an off road to what's called the Crowsnest where they can get beer half price. So this is what you're watching: Teenagers. Hand held camera. Woods. Cabin. RV. Dying for cheap beer. For 84 minutes.

Now this whole thing is on one of the idiots brand new camera he just got for his birthday - it's supposed to be top notch (and include things like stability features which obviously do NOT work) and so we get straight, sideways and upside down shots of everything. The plot? Oh there's an evil RV (the big bus type) that zooms out of nowhere and keeps hitting their car. We get nauseating footage as everything flies everywhere. Then the killing starts (finally). 

Needless to say there are psychos in the RV and this quickly becomes a BWP copycat as each one snots into the camera crying for their mothers. Ahhhh. So instead of detailing what I wish I hadn't seen here is yet another drinking game. No alcohol please, this would cause instant brain death. I don't know about soda either - might make you awful gassy. Water? Well - only if you want to have to run to the bathroom a lot... take a big drink (or just yell DRINK) when you hear:

  • Where are we?
  • YOU got US lost!
  • Who are those people?
  • We're gonna die!
  • I'm sorry!
  • STOP FILMING ME!


And extra credit every time you see snot running down people's faces, after all, you deserve it.