Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

NAZIS IS THE CWAZIEST PEOPLES FINAL CHAPTER




The Devil's Rock (2011) New Zealand

I didn't intend to do two WWII movies together, but as the fates and Netflix would have it, here we are. Once again, we are back in time but this time instead of zombies we get demons. Oh goody. I insert massive sarcasm here because after seeing the last effort, watching this slow, incredibly boring version of a Nazi horror movie was even more excruciating than it would have been if I'd just picked it up one day.

And this IS boring. Massively boring. Soooo boring it has about a hundred different movie posters for it - mostly with sex for a selling point although there is none. For one thing, we have very few people in this movie. It's a WAR for crying out loud - where the hell IS everybody? This is their intro: June 5, 1944. The eve of D-Day. Allied commandos carry out sabotage raids on the German occupied Channel Islands (off the French coast of Normandy), to draw Hitler's attention away from Normandy. Setting: Forau Island, 5 miles northeast of Guernsey.


DAMN that Campbell's tomato soup!
So we have TWO guys paddling to the shore of the island, and realizing they're in the wrong place. Duh. After almost getting blasted by a hidden mine they somehow make it inland. They then hear screams and gunfire. So someone besides Germans is on the island. <sigh> Okay, I'll bite - who's there? Well reader, you're not going to find out for a while, so relax. We have to go through personal issues between the two, listen to their histories and THEN they find a bunker where out pops a young German uttering the typical 'Gott im Himmel' before bazooka barfing all over. Doesn't keep them from killing him though.

They're just supposed to set some dynamite, set it off and leave for the Germans to gather to the site, taking them away from Normandy beach I guess. But one of them just can't leave - some of the screams are definitely female. Why that should matter in war time I have no idea but he can't let it go. So against orders both venture inside.

He won the coin toss to get out of this movie early...
There's not much to see - the typical cheap tunnel sets with signs in German that they didn't bother to translate (they said things like 'gas hazard' and other cautions) and, besides the occasional scream, all they hear is a radio with German codes transmitting. The curious one quickly gets his buddy killed so now all we have in this whole damn movie is one NZ soldier, one Nazi and who or whatever is making all the noise down in a room somewhere. The Nazi spoke perfect, non-accented English (DUH) and the NZ soldier spoke in 'an Australian accent with that gutteral nuance'. Their words, not mine.

Wait - she looks like his wife and he DOESN'T want to shoot her?
So now we get to the <YAWN> point of this terrible movie - yet another take of the Nazi agenda to use the occult to control the world. This is repeated so often they could do a cartoon about it - Scooby Doo And Those Darn Nazi Occultists or something. 

Yup, they've found a special grimoire (from Barns & Noble no doubt) and have summoned a femme varou - that's 'red female looking demon with no clothes on' to you. And she's worked her way, despite being held by a 'special' chain to a wall, through the guts of pretty much all the Nazis in the compound. 

Don't get too excited about the gore though - when the Nazi goes to 'feed' her from the guts of one of his former colleagues, it definitely was sausages and some other animal meats. The blood is almost rust colored and I kept thinking he looked like he'd spilled a can of tomato soup on himself. Yuck. And boring. 'Cause for most of the rest of the movie the two argue about the demon, because to the NZ dude she looks like his late wife (shapechanger, pfft) and she's nice to him so... what? 

Oh, right - they've got to 'send her back' because the Nazi has had a change of heart (and probably more than a few pairs of underwear) and knows she needs to be, uh, unsummoned. That's not a word, I know.

So the two set up the ritual but OH NO THE NAZI WAS PLANNING TO SACRIFICE THE OTHER GUY THIS WHOLE TIME WHAT A SHOCK I NEVER SAW THAT COMING WATCH OUT GOOD GUY WHOSE NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER BECAUSE YOU SUCK AT ACTING AND THIS MOVIE IS WORTHLESS... whew. Sorry about that.

Okay, let's just end this farce. The NZ guy wipes out the Nazi, feeding him to the demon who obligingly eats his head (the one with the brain in it you perverts) and, knowing that a whole slew of Nazis are on their way to the island for... whatever - oh yeah, D Day, sorry -  he tells the demon he's giving her freedom to, uh, eat as many heads as she can hold and then afterwards he's coming back with the fancy book to really banish her. He sets the key close to her shackle and leaves. We then see scores of the nasties coming by ship, plane, hovercar... wait, no, it was just ship and plane, and we know that she's gonna be gaining some serious weight before he comes back. But I won't be watching for a sequel.