Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, May 31, 2013

APPLY, LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT





7 Nights Of Darkness (2011)

Apparently, in some cities or states, somewhere in the US, there are actually open, modern working mental asylums. How many I can't seem to find anywhere to pin down a number. I did find out that there are supposedly more mentally ill persons in jails and prisons than there are in hospitals. That might explain why there are all these freaking abandoned asylums that filmmakers love to make spooky movies in.

This is a particularly cheap outing of the standard people-stay-and-die stories. For one, we don't have the endless setting up of equipment, the introduction of the 'team' or the explanation of why teenagers are breaking into whatever abandoned facility they have in their town (I am SOOOO jealous!), or interviews with the supposed 'producers' of this show, we just have a short paragraph that basically tells you what you need to know and why you don't even need to watch the movie:

'In 2008 six reality television show contestants spent seven nights in an abandoned and haunted asylum. The show never aired but an editor for the network was able to piece together some footage. The prize for staying all seven nights was a share of one million dollars that was to be split amongst any contestants that didn't leave. No prize money was ever awarded.'


Well, there ya go. They show up, things are dull, they hear noises, they see things, they die. Apply, lather, rinse, repeat. I don't usually recommend movies like this but if crews or people wetting themselves because 'it just got cold in here' or 'what was that noise' kind of stuff, you'd be better off watching either Grave Encounters or Grave Encounters 2. Actually you'd be better off watching The Simpsons or Family Guy.

Oh hey, I know... how about Supernatural Activity? I actually have watched that one a couple of times. It spoofs all of 'em - found footage, Blair Witch, Paranormal Activity, and every spook TV show there is. Damon Dealer is a hero (obviously a parody of Criss Angel - Mindfreak).