Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, May 3, 2013

ONE ZOMBIE OVER THE LINE PART THREE




Three Zombies Over The Line Sweet Readers
Three Zombies Over The Line
Sittin' Here Watchin' Some Netflix Movies
Three Zombies Over The Line



Autumn (2009) Canada


The only reason I can think of as to why this again low-budget zombie movie is called Autumn is that most of the movie happens in this season. Duh. And hey, these zombies not only are 'Romero' zombies, they don't wanna eat you. MASSIVE DUH. It made for one extremely boring movie. If I wanted 
to see people arguing, I'd watch daytime TV thank you very much.

In the beginning, the world is running just about as sucky as it always does. And this is set in England (even though it was filmed in Canada) so it's slow and sucky. One 
day in the ultra boring world that is England, people just started coughing blood (you know, in the movies if you have a headache or nose bleed it's an instant brain tumor, if you cough blood, you die) and dropped dead wherever they were. 

One teacher had his whole class die right in front of him (The way students act during class, how could he tell?), others watched helplessly as their families just cacked over (my word cacked = fall over and die for no reason). So we have five people to start and since these zombies, after they started standing up, show no initiative for movement, much less munching on people, their priority is just finding a place where they won't catch whatever cacked 'em.

So they argue blah blah they move around blah blah a zombie 
comes by they push it aside blah blah. Three of them decide they want to find a place to stay put and be safe (From what exactly?) while the other two have more hedonistic plans - get all the goodies they want and party like it's, uh, 2009.

As for the ever increasing zombies? The only interesting thing they're doing is starting to move better, get better coordinated, 'as if their brainstems are remembering'. DUUUUUUUUUUH. So now they're starting to get attracted to lights and sound. So send the suckers to a disco and get on with it.

So the two stoners wake up from their drug and alcohol induced 
comas at the mansion they've been abusing to find tons of zombies inside but since they're just staring at the speakers, where's the scare? And it says in the movie description they also call these guys 'walkers' but all I heard was 'meat suits' as well as other insults so.... what? They certainly ain't thinkers - zombies or survivors.

Meanwhile back at the farm... geez, I'm surprised these three didn't die outright from boredom. In fact one almost does - so he 
decides to bug out and go back to his family. They're probably up and around by now, right? Uh, no. They rotted in bed where he left 'em. Why? Who cares? I mean at this point this movie is a 'please zombies, kill these people horribly I'm so damned bored' kind of movie.

And then at one hour 25 minutes in (no the movie is NOT over) BOOM! David Carradine for no good damn reason! I mean what the hell - was he just passing through or something? His acting was so bad he might as well have been one of the zombies.... geez. He does nothing but whine like he's a senior citizen who's been inconvenienced and he wants people to take care of him. How embarrassing. He thinks they're 'sick'. I think they're all boring as hell. Gotta admit that the advanced decay and gore was almost decent - better than what you'd expect. I always wondered why they always show zombie with just a bit of decay instead of the putrefying bloated corpses they are.

FINALLY the zombies get aggressive enough where the two have to vacate their nest and seek shelter elsewhere. By now the third has left the daft Carradine, crashed his motorcycle and becomes infected. So he gives his non-life for the zombies to rip apart while the other two escape. I was kind of hoping they'd all die, 'cause if the only thing left of humanity are people to argue through a whole movie, I don't want this planet to exist anymore.