Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL DID I JUST WATCH?



Secrets Of The Clown (2007)

I think I've got this Screampix YouTube channel figured out. Most of their movies seem to be made by a company called Brain Damage Films, a company that seems to be in competition with The Asylum movie company for cranking out mass quantities of really REALLY bad horror. This is a good example and I'm going to make it short even though it took a long time to get through this movie with no CC, the movie stalling several times, backing up without warning 15 minutes to half an hour (nothing like hearing the same bad dialogue TWICE) and just plain sucking. And here we go.

The basic premise of this whole movie is that any subject can be made no matter how retarded. Oops, wait. The premise of the movie is that witches and demons just aren't near as scary unless you include clowns. I have a couple of friends who would agree with that. But this movie mish mashes things so badly that if I hadn't read the movie description I'd have absolutely no idea what I was supposed to be seeing. Since it's totally incomprehensible this is what they said:

After the brutal murder of his best friend Jim, Bobbie is haunted by a presence. His girlfriend Val is distant and appears to have secrets of her own. Then the nightmares begin. Through the nightmares Bobbie uncovers clues regarding the murderer's identity. With the killer still on the loose, bodies piling up, and time running out, Bobbie hires a psychic to contact his deceased friend Jim. But some secrets were never meant to be revealed. The dreams will guide him, the secrets will blind him, the murders will haunt him. Only together will they unlock the "Secrets of the Clown".

Does that sound like the worst movie you've ever heard? A TV movie of the week? A complete waste of time? You'd be correct to pick one, or all three for that matter. These are a couple of the lines of dialogue you'd experience if you squirmed through this horrid thing:

Bobbie (that's a girl's name by the way dudes, it's supposed to be Bobby) gets attacked by his girlfriend who's turned all demon-y. He grabs a stainless steel toaster and starts bashing her in the head. As she falls he says... wait for it... WAIT FOR IT... extra credit for the one who says it first...

"You're TOAST!"

Ooh, hold on a second, I just threw up in my mouth a little. And that wasn't the worst one...

Bobbie sees that another (yes another) of his friends has become possessed and stabs him to death. Yet another friend is standing there and HE says "You killed Ken."

Bobbie: "I'm a bastard."

(If you didn't get that, it's okay - we can't all be cartoon fans)




The demon clown is charging what remains of Bobbie's friends and he screams "Come and get me you Insane Clown Posse $%#@%%!!!"

And of course the ole' standard, "Women. You can't live without them, you can't kill them." Nice.

And on that note, I'm not going any further with this thing. I think the clown demon was defeated by a clown doll possessed by Bobbie's best friend. I think. Oh, and his girlfriend's a witch. Sometimes. The end.