Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, May 31, 2013


The Haunted Dollhouse aka DevilDolls (2012)

Word of the day people, and don't say you never learn anything from my blog. One, triptych simply means a work of art that is separated into three sections. Two, this movie is NOT a triptych. It IS an anthology of three short stories without a wraparound, which considering the stories is something of a relief. But don't relax yet - this is not truly an anthology. Rather this, inexplicably, is a cut-down of three movies into three short stories that, because of what was cut, make absolutely no sense. Duh.

The Protectors: This story was originally the movie Skull Heads (2009). Seeing the short story I was very relieved I didn't have to be tortured that long. Three thieves, posing as Hollywood music producers (saying you 'make videos' for 50 Cent is not really making you a good reputation) want to rob an Italian mansion, full of goodies and a stupid family of three. This is where it gets really stupid and confusing. 

The girl is told several times she's in trouble and will 'spend time in the basement' but doesn't. The parents refuse to let the three into the house to do anything yet next you see them eating at the table. The story excuse is that the girl let them. Let them? What the hell? How does a child who gets sent to the basement 'let' anyone do anything? 

Sigh - let's just end this. The point is that the house is protected by 'skull heads' that keep people from doing harm. Too bad they don't protect the girl from her dad - apparently spending time in the basement means being tied to a rack. Nice. The three return at night but manage to wake everyone up so they kill the parents. Long story short (can't believe this was a movie) the 'skull heads' re-animate the parents and the thieves are screwed. No, not literally thank goodness. I just meant the story's over.

Worry Dolls: I found this movie called Dangerous Worry Dolls (2008) on Screampix but when I tried to play it - surprise surprise it refused to play. That's probably a good thing. Have you ever seen the cartoon Superjail? Just nod or shake your head if you have or haven't. On there is a very male guard named Alice with large hooters and a short skirt tight enough to reveal, uh, yeah. 

So this woman has to go to one of those prisons with no bars, just a large room full of beds (in other words very low budget) and the nasty male guard likes to take videos of them being raped - with a strap on. That was embarrassing just to type. I was also thinking WTH but the reason became apparent later on. 

The woman has a daughter who gave her 'worry dolls', tiny things that supposedly would take all your troubles away. All it did is give her an enormous zit in the middle of her forehead and a nasty attitude. She becomes all the horrid things she hates around her, even to attacking the guard - who ends up having breasts. Sort of opposite of the aforementioned Alice. Wow, what a horrid story - and that was a movie?

Dangerous Toys: From the movie Demonic Toys (1992) and with Tim Thomerson who somehow spent a lot of his career being small. You can see him in the Trancers trilogy (not small in those), Dollman, Dollman vs. Demonic Toys, etc. and a ton of war-type movies. Much more exciting than this story I hope. It involves two human looking dolls from another planet, uh, I guess. They fight against some not-human looking toys who are trying to get the female doll pregnant (?!?) with the antichrist (ah come on!) and we of course have an evil clown toy and other idiotic toys of that day meant to look, well, evil. How does it end? How do you think?