Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL DID I JUST WATCH CRAPTACULAR MARATHON


Killer Instinct (2001)

I think I've figured out why my life is so incredibly boring - there's no abandoned mental asylum anywhere near where I live. Apparently they're absolutely everywhere and yet <sigh> the closest abandoned building I can think of used to be a gas station. And nobody ever died there - at least not that I know of. Let's see... well, with the economy being as it is, there's gotta be some place abandoned that's creepy... huh. Nothing. Where I live is just about as scary as... umm... as... oh yeah, this movie.


Incomprehensibly starring Dee Wallace Stone and Corbin Bernsen  in some subplot about gaining property and a business in order to bankrupt the town and collect the... whatever it makes. This is set while our usual gang of teenagers get set to break into their town's abandoned asylum (I am sooooo jealous!) where there were not only deaths, but a crazy doctor who abused a patient who was there for an illness so badly that the patient literally went completely nuts and became a murderer. Men of the town who were considered 'pillars of the community' got together and lynched the guy... uh wait. Didn't I just do this movie? No? This is yet another ripoff? Figures.

So we're jumped back and forth from a slasher story to a hostile takeover story. Does this sound logical or even interesting to you? Me either. In between the guys getting slaughtered one by one (Guys first huh? Saving the girls for last - that at least is a little different.) and Dee Wallace trying her best to look interested as she looks up the history of the town trying to find an angle to convince the people to sell I was yawning so hard my jaw popped.

And even if I didn't know which of the interchangeable barbie dolls was actually the killer I knew why. It was a duh scenario used dozens of times and this unfortunately was no exception. One of these vapid teenagers was the daughter of the man wrongly strung up on the asylum grounds. Now all those men just happen to be on the board of the company Fairchild is trying to take over in a stroke of incredible movie coincidence, just as all those board of director guys just happen to have kids THE SAME AGE that travel IN THE SAME GROUP as the so-called killer's kid. Uh, wouldn't they have known that? It was a small town - I don't think even plastic surgery is going to hide her in this group.


Oops, sorry - this is the video game. Which
I would MUCH rather have watched...
So she goes through the young kids, killing them to the last, emerging as the 'sole survivor' of a horrible tragedy. Which Fairchild has figured out by going through newspapers, which no one else in town apparently thought to do. So she knows damn good and well this kid has killed a whole group of people. AND as the murdered man's heir (he happened to be deeded the embattled company for some unknown damn reason) she will be able to overrule the board of directors and sell the company to Fairchild - in return for her silence. Oh what a wonderful lesson for the kiddies.