LESS THAN ZERO
Night Of The Scarecrow (1995)
Teenagers are stupid and deserve to die. At least in horror movies. This less less less than zero piece of garbage was supposedly set in Washington (that usually means British Columbia) but this particular horrid movie was made in California. And there's cornfields. Lots of cornfields. See, in bad horror movies, if kids are going to break into a building, it's an abandoned hospital, asylum or prison. If they're going to be in the country, they're in a cornfield. You don't hear of teenagers getting slaughtered in the strawberry fields, or wheat - it's always corn.
The hubby explained to me that it's because corn is tall and you can get lost. So if they ever increase their genetic mutations of our food sources to other vegetables and we get seven foot tall cucumber patches, watch out. And if you don't have corn (he said patiently like I was an idiot and he wasn't far off) you don't have scarecrows, which everybody is about as afraid of as guys with machetes or chainsaws. Okay, okay, point taken but this was still stupid.
It has a long back story but basically the townspeople were desperate for good crops and willing to let a warlock of some kind work magic so they could have lots of good crops. But like every other story where people do something bad to get something good, as soon as they got it they turned on the warlock, trapping him in the cornfield forever. Or at least until some dumb drunk kid messes with farming equipment and breaks the 'seal' that is holding him down and he rises. Oh please kill 'em quick.
So as a scarecrow he rises and starts killing. He's trying to find a book to become a real boy again. But first he has to bore us for 85 minutes. Two try to stop him and we really root for them. Nah, just kidding - I'm hoping for quick deaths. There are bad puns throughout this turkey, a deputy with a six shooter that he apparently got from the magic firearm store 'cause he shot a lot more than six times.
Now I expect to get a lot of flack for this review - it's been called one of the best scarecrow movies of the 1990's. By somebody. Somewhere. Not me. And trust me, not you. And if you DO think this is a good movie, just don't post it on your Facebook page, 'kay? Potential employers look at that stuff.
Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.