Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, May 31, 2013


Destined To Be Ingested aka Holocaust Holocaust (2008)

I must admit there are some movies that are so obvious I just let 'em play while doing something else 'cause hey, I've seen it before, I'm looking at it now and I'll probably see it again in some other movie. This one I watched to the end and had to do a double take. I was sure I must have missed a vital plot point so I skimmed through it again - nope. This is actually how the movie goes:

Although it is not implicitly said in the movie except for hints in flashbacks, a down and out couple win the lottery and so, instead of planning for a better future, they decide to go on a holiday somewhere warm in the South seas. They are with another couple plus their 'captain' on a small boat - a captain who neither knows direction or whether a side is port or starboard. 

They get lost. They find this out after snorkeling to try to find a shark. Uh, what? They're in swim suits, no weapons and they want to find a shark? Kill me now. Or them. Yeah, kill them. They're drying off and I notice something - take notes you overly expensive makeup companies. The main character, Anna, has just come out of salt water but has perfect eye shadow, liner, and mascara. Not a single smear. Genius.

Unfortunately that's her last smart move. Realizing they are nowhere near the island resort they had set out for, but a seemingly deserted island, the two couples decide to go there anyway, the 'captain' staying on board. Anna and her husband Tom are relieved anyway - in one of those rare movie moments where there is actually a cell signal, they had just gotten a call that their newly gained fortune was completely lost in the stock market. They're stone broke - again. So they do what any couple would do - lots of coke. What is this, the 80's?

Anna decides to go for a walk and Tom follows and they have a rare moment of cocaine-fueled love. Followed by a nap. Meanwhile, from the boat the 'captain' sees the other couple on the beach get slaughtered by generic tribesmen. He beats cleats out of there, leaving Tom and Anna stranded. They get back to the beach, seeing their boat leaving and finding blood on the beach. 

Tom goes exploring and finds some sort of pitiful altar - I got a 'Blair Witch' flashback moment 'cause the 'altar' was surrounded by piled up rocks (gasp!). In the middle he finds bits of meat and a watch (massive duh). We the lucky audience get to see that not only were the couple slaughtered, but their hearts ripped out and their flesh eaten by the cannibal tribe. Remember that for later by the way.

They go off and hide but in typical movie duh style Anna hurts her ankle. Tom goes off because he's pissed - not only did Anna throw away the rest of the coke, she wants him to throw out the beer (he's an alcoholic). He storms off to try in his pitifully stupid way to find something to build a raft. He is of course hunted, hit with a poison dart, and the tribe has more fresh meat.

A bohunk tribesman finds Anna and uses his little dart - but she's so pretty (must be the eyeshadow) he can't eat her - he dresses her wound and builds her a shelter. In short order, he's her new man and he teaches her the local language (he laughs because 'Anna' means 'chin') and she teaches him kissing. And we get to skip ahead six months.

Anna is now pregnant and her bohunk decides to take her home to meet the folks. They are angry, saying that they will be cursed - but he points out to the, uh, leader (who's white as paste) had himself a white mama so they don't push the matter. And here's where it gets... weird.

All of a sudden everyone yells that the 'dark ones' are coming. The 'dark ones' are the three other people Anna was with - her late husband and the other couple. They are now zombies. Whaaaaa? They're totally intact (as zombies go) and pissed - they go biting and attacking everyone. Anna loses her bohunk and runs to the island's only canoe (with all those villagers you'd think they'd have a fleet) and the last scene is her alone, looking back at the island.

Now wait just a cruddy second - zombies? What the hell? I thought well, I didn't pay close enough attention so I went back through the movie. Nope - they get slaughtered and eaten. But apparently in this movie they pulled themselves back together (so to speak), rose up and became very, very green zombie killers. Pffft,  never mind.