Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

YOU KNOW IT'S A GOOD TIME TO HIT THE 'STOP' BUTTON WHEN...




Dead Life (2005)

This is a movie I did NOT see my way through - because this simply was sooooo awful there was really nothing to watch. It was a zombie movie, and so cheap that the picture was garbled, dark and looked worse than if they had used a personal camcorder. I wish they had. The soundtrack was so badly mixed that you couldn't hear dialogue (not that there was very much of that) over the loud music they insisted using to, uh, I dunno, keep interest? Without CC, it was  impossible to know what they were talking about. And what's with these cheap movies with what my hubby calls 'preginnings'? That's when a lot of incomprehensible stuff happens and THEN the movie starts. Ugh.


Do not adjust your picture - the whole movie looks like this...
For starters, the zombie movie was supposed to have been started with a mutated version of 'necrotizing faceitis'. Think about that one for a second. The disease is actually called 'necrotizing fasciitis'. Strike one. Then they quote a scripture, always a mistake because these people don't know Bibles OR dictionaries.

Revelations 11:16 -  They have the power to shut the skies, the power to turn the waters to blood.

Umm okay. First of all, most filmmakers and actors playing religious people do this - there is only ONE Revelation, okay? ONE. Secondly, this is the wrong scripture, gente increíblemente estúpidas. You were attempting to misuse Rev. 11:6, okay?

Revelation 11:6 - These have the authority to shut up heaven that no rain should fall during the days of their prophesying, and they have authority over the waters to turn them into blood and to strike the earth with every sort of plague as often as they wish.

This corresponds to Moses and Elijah at Matthew 17 - refers to the anointed and their witnessing work. Matthew 17 is when Jesus was transfigured (transformed into something more beautiful or elevated) and it appeared he was conversing with Moses and Elijah (representing the anointed, not the physical presence of the two themselves). It certainly has absolutely NOTHING to do with zombies or any disease or plague that might cause them. There - your spiritual lesson for the week.

I tried really hard to watch this, okay? It's on that subpar service Screampix on YouTube. It is horrid - the ONE zombie I saw spoke perfectly clear, and stood there holding his obvious rubber hose pretending to be intestines. Considering that this thing will skip, go back, tell you it's over when it isn't, I just didn't want to invest over two hours just trying to get this piece of garbage to play.

Oh and another reason to avoid Screampix: They advertise they have over 120 movies to show but more than a couple of times when I went to watch one it said it wasn't available in my country... WTH? Not available in the country Screampix is IN?

So no, I don't recommend this service at all - take your free 14 days then GET OUT.