Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, May 31, 2013


Die You Zombie Bastards! (2005)

Okay, I think this is supposed to be about serial killer Red Toole (the hero of the movie) rescuing his wife Violet from Baron Nefarious. I admit I got about as far as the Baron turning three blonde women in their underwear to three naked (except for pink underwear) zombies that were green with red nipples and purple hair.

Hmm... the clothes must have come later...
Then they mention some product called Zombastisheen (don't kill me if I spelled that wrong) that is, quote, 'a great car wax, lubricant and spreads great on crackers'. Woof. It's hard enough to watch on 16mm film, and the nudity promised to make this yet another porno/comedy piece of idiocy hiding as horror. No thanks.

Die Cheerleader Die! (2008)

Believe it or not I got through this whole movie - despite the skips, movie ending when it wasn't over, etc. You know - all the stuff I've been complaining about this week. This takes place in the enlightened town of Dullsville - where the local college has made the words 'social status' about as popular as the KKK. Especially the cheerleaders. Now, this movie did NOT have any beautiful people in it - these cheerleaders wouldn't get a second look by anyone anywhere but somehow they try to persuade you they're the best of the best. Well, one girl has a bulimic problem and is helped by a group of 'fat girls' (not one of them was over 130 pounds - this was 'movie fat') who call themselves PIGS (pretty intelligent girls). By now I'm disgusted AND insulted.

I'll pay five bucks if any of these girls is under 25...
Anyway, apparently somebody in the cast agreed with me and starts popping off the cheerleaders one by one. Way way too slowly. I'll save you the trouble and tell you that one of the generic cheerleaders did it - and gets away with it. Why? To be cheerleader captain the following year of course. Duh.