Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, May 13, 2013


The Wickeds (2005)

When a movie has to rely on a former porn star (not female, put your tongues back in) and some lame in-jokes and rip-offs of lines from GOOD movies, you know you're in for a bad, bad movie. The porn star? Ron Jeremy. If you haven't heard of him, you're probably better off. Besides being in countless porn movies, his non-porn movie credits include a lot of Troma films and, <gulp>, The Boondock Saints. WTH?

I'm desperately trying to NOT picture this man naked...
This claims to be a zombie film and I guess that's technically true because there are dead people in it. But it is soooo terrible that the actors playing live characters probably wished fervently that they could trade places. Because the makeup hides the real faces see and so those people could go on to other movies without too much shame.

One of the few scenes you DON'T see a boom mic...
Sigh. You know the setup all too well - teenagers you wish were already dead decide to spend Halloween in an old house that has just been used as a horror movie set and is supposed to be haunted. But their fun (and this movie) starts to drag when a couple of grave robbers (Really? In this day and age?) who have stolen an item that supposedly has kept the dead (And vampires?) in their graves show up 'cause, uh, yeah. So I don't know if these are just zombies or vampire zombies or vampires or... you know what? I don't care. And neither would you.

I got it! He's a zompire!
The only interesting things were the massively stupid things they did to try to be original. Some I saw in the movie, others I read. The boys are all named after Fox television shows (okay suck show names for a suck movie, got it), we have a ripoff of the Sixth Sense line 'I see dead people', and the boom mic operator probably couldn't get hired for another movie if he tried - besides constantly getting in the shots, if you don't see the boom directly, you see the shadow of it in countless shots. 

I didn't know zompires wore 
body suits with large zippers...
The best line? One of the boys ponders 'What would Bruce Campbell do?' although if I were Bruce I'd sue for that one. In fact the most entertainment you'll find in this horrid example of a low budget movie is the goofs shown during the credits. That's pretty bad.