Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, May 13, 2013

LESS THAN ZERO




The Hanged Man (2007)

I really REALLY hate movies that screw with you. This is self-described as a 'taut thriller with lots of twists'. That's movie code for you're gonna get screwed with. And the movie is worthless because... well, I'll explain. After I grab my whiskey bottle.

Do people even use chat rooms anymore? I mean for anything other than porn? Because that's what this movie bases its premise on. A chat room for losers who hate themselves and are looking for... commiseration? Guidance? A pat on the head and send them on their way? For seven people, they decide they've had it and want to die. But they don't want to be alone so they all agree to show up at this farm to kill themselves together. 

Already my stupid meter has pegged itself out and now it's in the shop. Thanks a lot Glen B. Hopper III (director and producer who will be receiving a bill for repairs).

One of the girls happens to own this farm, which holds terrible secrets for her. And of course, to keep the stupidity aspect in play, each person has their own horror story to explain why they just cannot be alive anymore and so must spend 84 minutes torturing us while they decide when to die. They refuse to use their real names, preferring the names they use in the chat room. 

They are waiting for the, uh, person who arranged this little soiree', an unknown named Dwarfstar, who has promised to bring this magic poison that only takes a couple of seconds and is painless. Uh, yeah. Instead of just offing themselves in the privacy of their homes (or out in the woods) they have to drive to this abandoned farm. And they all have sob stories that unfortunately we get to listen to. But before the party can really get started a Sheriff shows up.

Now this is where I called BS on the whole movie because this 'Sheriff' shows up in a 1964 Ford Galaxie 500 (thanks to the hubby for helping me with the make and model) and as soon as I saw that car and how old it was (look at the neato red light on top) and the Sheriff with his ridiculous looking uniform like he was from The Andy Griffith Show, I knew this was going to be bad - an even worse movie I mean. In the events that follow, they attack him and tie him to a support pole in the barn.


Okay these guys want to die, right? Well, weird stuff starts happening and these idiots fight to stay alive. What??? The Sheriff, who was supposed to be bleeding from a head wound and tied up starts showing up everywhere and people start dying. Against their will. What??? They wanted to die but now they don't. And for some reason they keep showing tarot cards, especially of 'the hanged man'.

So they band together to fight this otherworldly menace ('cause every time they check the guy is still tied up and unconscious) that seems to pop in and out. They run and run and die and die and I'm checking my watch and keeping count 'cause when they're all dead, then we can leave, right?

One who has been the most miserable and should be in soap operas is named SoCo and he's been a real creep through the whole thing. And then... SoCo hangs himself. And the Sheriff, loose again becomes miraculously unharmed - until he draws his gun and blows his own brains out. Dawn comes and guess what? None of the others are dead - they all find themselves back at the front of the barn where SoCo is staring down at them - not from the noose, just standing there. The Sheriff's car is gone.

And here's the part that really pissed me off - the girl who owns the property 'suddenly' remembers a ghost story she was told that she thought was just to scare her. The people who owned the property way back before her family (Like the 60's? DUH.) had a son who was depressed and into the dark arts (Tarot cards I guess) and hung himself in the barn. His dad, the Sheriff found him and... WAIT FOR IT... SAY IT WITH ME... blew his brains out. 

The dumb suicidal survivors look at each other, pile into a van and take off. The last scene is Dwarfstar, who of course is SoCo, inviting new chat members who want to die out to his place to... well, let's just say the movie restarts itself. And I'm reaching for the whiskey bottle again.