Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

MOVIES ESPECIALLY MADE FOR THE LOGIC IMPAIRED



Satanic (2006)

This. Was. Awful. Why did I bother? Sigh - it had Jeffrey Combs in it. That's it. And he had a relatively minor part - he was a cop. Boooooring. It didn't help that the person you're stuck with for the whole movie (Annie Sorell) has like, maybe three expressions in her repertoire and she only used two in this turkey.

Again we start with a car accident. No I don't group these movies on purpose, it just sometimes happens. Anywho, the only survivor is this girl who's skull is like a jigsaw puzzle with little bitty pieces and the surgeon tells her she has to have tons of reconstructive surgery to get back to 'normal'. In this case, 'normal' is the unrealistic movie equivalent of 'never had a bruise in her life'. When he's done, she looks perfect. Uh huh. If I thought that could happen to me, I'd... well, maybe not.

Our angst filled idiot is full of memories but not of anything important - all she can remember are some flashes of being with a man and another person in a car then - boom. So she's told the guy was her father (nobody mentions the other person). He's dead of course and she keeps remembering that somehow it's her fault. 

They bring the personal effects from the car and here is where I officially said 'DONE!' on my review sheet. Among small things is a handmade Ouija board - it's revealed it was made from the dad's blood, sucked out by leeches. Geez, my head hurts - but at least I know what's happened and how this is going to end. Not well. Certainly not for the people around her who begin to die.

Let's not make you suffer as I did to the end of this garbage - the girl is using her two expressions back and forth because although she feels she is a good person she keeps remembering evil things. And there's a boy - you know for the life of me I can't remember from where - who's also convinced she can't be evil. 

So he talks to the doctor and asks him questions that, dammit, should have been Medicine 101 - like did he make sure of her identity before he 'rebuilt' her using photos of who he THOUGHT she was? Like, uh, dental records for instance? Yup boys and girls it's just that stupid - she is NOT the girl the doctor thought was in the photo. 

What would have been MY first clue if, oh, I chose a profession that would make me rich with apparently little brain power required? Well, the girl she actually WAS had short, blonde hair. Now it's not just that the doctor implanted new hair on her or something else retarded to make it long and brown. In the beginning when she's first in the hospital and in bandages, her LONG BROWN HAIR is sticking out the back in a ponytail. Can we say DUUUUUUUUUUUUUH???

So the next stupid step is that, of course, the third person in the car IS the girl with the hair and now there's two identical idiots. And they fight. Who will win? I'm hoping WE do and the people who made this movie are now out of work.