Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL DID I JUST WATCH CRAPTACULAR MARATHON






Sickle aka The Slaughterhouse Massacre (2005)

A massacre is an incident where some group is killed by another, and the perpetrating party are perceived to be in total control of force while the victimized party is perceived to be helpless and/or innocent with regard to any legitimate offense. In other words, this title is total garbage. Oh there was a slaughterhouse all right, but this wasn't a massacre unless you want to consider it a massacre of the horror genre. Because this was a special kind of suck. It was that suck that makes you want to watch romantic comedies for the rest of your life as a way to clear the palate. Or get an extra large bottle of Jack.

We start this horrid piece with a couple making out. The 'Hollywood Goth' girl is supposedly into kinky situations to get her, uh, aroused. She wants to do it where things died - like in the slaughterhouse. Now we're supposed to believe that this girl with the $200 hairdo and makeup and who knows how much money spent on clothes wants to lay down on a wet, filthy cement floor. But she does and they get naked in short order... while I'm thinking of the ick she's lying in and squirming in disgust. Then cut away as there are screams as some off-screen psycho apparently chops 'em up. Supposedly.

The backstory: A girl is raped and killed, found in the slaughterhouse. A loner worker conveniently named Marty Sickle is blamed for the crime and the people gather and, not waiting for justice, string him up over an electrified tub full of water where they kill chickens. They leave, the rope snaps and the electrified water both burns him and turns him into the poor man's version of Freddy Kruger, sans razor hand. And on the anniversary of his death, if the proper 'Bloody Mary' type chant is used, he appears. Sigh.

So teenagers we care absolutely nothing about go to test it out, although one girl really doesn't want to but as you know, in horror movies girls have absolutely no rights and so she has no choice but to go along. Now if you want to see a review as fake as the fact that this is supposed to be about a 'massacre' check out the IMDb - apparently somebody thinks this movie is the teenage equivalent of Apocalypse Now or something.

One by one (thankfully there's only four) are chased by a sickle wielding dead Marty - must have been a magic sickle because that sucker couldn't cut grass but somehow it manages to slice one boy in perfect halves from the head down, cut one girl's head off, and another boy in two through the waist. Oh that was funny too (I'm twisted that way)... see the lower half was solid, looking like a side of beef, while the top half was all loose and runny... did they even belong to the same body? 

Anyway, one of the girls is pregnant so you know she's going to live. Oh, I almost forgot - our not-Freddy psycho tries the one liners that made Kruger such fun and they are so lame he might as well be speaking another language - it would have been just as scary.

So to sum up, no massacre, no good gore (in fact some was downright funny), some nudity and only a couple of killings do not a good horror film make. I couldn't even come up with a good drinking game for it.