Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL DID I JUST WATCH CRAPTACULAR MARATHON




Green River (2008)

It's bad enough when a movie is so awful you count the minutes until it's over. It's even worse if you don't understand what you just watched and so go to other sources to read reviews that might tell you but there aren't any (there is an IMDb now - I guess as a warning). This movie was... indescribable. My only guess is that there were four writers with four different movie ideas but no money so they pooled everything together, smushed the scripts together (if they even had one), made things go extra slow to stretch the movie out to 93 minutes and called it good. It wasn't.

Is this a movie about a serial killer of girls in Green River (Not THAT Green River, this is something totally different - and not near as smart), is it about a girl with a crazy friend or is it about a girl with a missing sister that she is determined to go clear out in the boonies to find? I DON'T KNOW STOP ASKING ME!!!

Sorry about that. It was just that I was waiting patiently <sigh> for any sign of a definite purpose for the movie and the way it ended I did not get a single question answered. Dammit.

We have a blank slate of a woman named Charisma (with that name she should be dead already - sorry Danielle Franke) who lost her sister while in the small town of Green River long ago. She decides to search for answers with her friend Allison at the family's cabin in the woods (of course) - with no cell service, one very strange stranger and her friend starting to act stranger and stranger (as well as complaining non-stop).

I threw my movie review pad against the wall on this one. While I had a couple things right (I think anyway) the movie was such a mess that the ending was impossible to predict and even when I saw it I don't know what the ending was. Or the point. Or the whole purpose of the movie. We have endless scenes of pure boredom as the two go for a hike (not looking really, just complaining) with Allison popping pills every five minutes so in moviespeak that means she must be insane because only insane people take medication, right?

So they're suspicious of an older man who seems to be watching them and then following them. Instead of staying where there's people (and a working phone) they go off to the unknown anyway. They later find out his cabin is next to Charisma (Can I just call her Char? I'm getting tired of typing her name.). So of course the next day when they find the car's battery is dead (Allison's car alarm went off all night, sheesh) they of course suspect the older man and steal his pickup. Understandably miffed he runs after them. He somehow GETS AHEAD OF THEM and subsequently Char, who is driving, hits him, then since we're full in movie-stupid mode she runs into a tree. Oh yes my friends, it's just that stupid.

They drag the man back to his cabin. He reveals he's the law in the town but they don't believe him, despite the gun, badge, and radio he has in his pickup. So Char goes off for help while Allison stays. She then proceeds to taunt and torture the man, cutting him up as well as screaming at him endlessly. I would have asked for death. She's in full psycho mode, having dropped her happy pills on the hike. Meanwhile Char gets a faint signal on her cell phone and is going to call for help when it rings. We hear her say 'attempted murder' and then nothing. She then proceeds to do the typical movie things women do in forests: 1. Fall and twist or break something. 2. Hear voices coming from... nowhere. 3. Take forever of sitting there feeling sorry for yourself before putting together a makeshift splint and get back to the cabin.

It's night time before she reaches the cabin. She opens the door just as Allison is about to shoot the older man (His name is Jack Walker but who cares?) but Char shoots the rifle she got out of the pickup... the last scene we see is the old man at the local diner and the board of missing persons (tons of them)... one of them is for Char and Allison. Whaaaaa? Was the older man the killer? He didn't have a scratch on him. Did the two even exist? Did this movie? Did I care? Do I want more whiskey?