HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!!!

Okay, Not Really

Hello dear, faithful readers! It is 2016 and I am desperate to regain the function of my hands enough to continue to make fun of bad horror movies...

The videos have been... well... let's just say I have 20 subscribers and about 1,500 views so growth is slow but steady.





I'm going through yet another major change in medication (You didn't know I was on meds? Really? I thought the reviews made that pretty clear.) and so I am dead, dead, dead.

But.

This blog is my first and major love, and I'm desperate to put out at least the same amount of written reviews as I do the video ones.

So to all you who have still hung in there, read my stuff, and even write me (Nope, I haven't heard a thing from Chris Wylde - bummer.) thank you oh so very much and I'm trying desperately to get my shit together and give you guys the funny, sarcastic, and very amateur horror reviews to get back into the swing of things.

In the meantime, here's a couple more videos...

             

SOME HALFWAY DECENT VIDEOS - I THINK - AND, YES, THERE'S A KITTY VIDEO TOO...






Still Looking For Some Working Hands


Yup, autumn is here in a rush, just in time for preparing for winter. Our mountains are white, our water has been replenished (some), and my freaking hands are still frozen. I have been busy with videos though, even trying some 'reading' videos, and just ONE kitty video, I promise!

Buuut I still like the reviews better:

And, my lovelies, a totally unique kitty video! Nah, just kidding...

Hey, what can I say? I do what I can do...








                    

A WHOLE NEW LOW FOR HORROR LOVERS EVERYWHERE

The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009) US
The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence (2011) US
The Human Centipede 3: Final Sequence (2015) US

In February of 2013 I took a double-dog dare that I couldn't make it through two 'The Human Centipede' movies and then review them. I sighed heavily, remembering what my blog is called. Yup, there might have to be a new type of horror genre created to describe these two horrid abortions of cinema.

But, of course, there was a third one.

Now the first movie was shot in the Netherlands; The second, in England. I tried to find out where the third took place - I just know it was flat, hot, and dry. Let's (briefly) review the first two:

The Human Centipede: First Sequence: This is a 15 minute movie that lasts 92 minutes. Because, be honest - the only reason you're watching this in the first place is to see three human beings sewed together. So you have three bandaged-together people. We get mild to severe gross-outs as the three try moving around, the stitches pull and then we get what the audience was probably waiting for - the eating sequence. After the first minute you've seen it and you're done. But the movie goes on. Is it gross? Yeah, kind of. Shocking? Eh - you knew what was going to happen so... Interesting? Like I said, maybe for a minute - then it's okay, let's move on - wait, that's it? Oh, they die. The end.

The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence: Was this film necessary in the slightest? Only if one wanted to see if the audience, already having seen three people sewn together would get squeamish again if MORE people were added to the chain. We have an asthmatic morbidly obese idiot who doesn't speak who obsessively watches the first HC movie over and over again. He gets space in a warehouse and starts conking people on the head with a crowbar to drag them to this place to make not three people sewn together, but ten. And, as in the first movie, we have the poop. Lots and lots of poop. 

Like in the first movie (since that's what this guy is copying in the first place) the people in the chain are shot full of laxatives and we get something that ten-year-olds would snicker at - lots and lots of diarrhea. Was this necessary? Well, if it's trying to out-gross the first one, job accomplished. 

It's not real looking enough to make you puke or anything, just an unnecessary gross-out to keep people wincing I guess. Grossing people out just to gross them out without a story or a reason seems really dumb to me, and pretty juvenile. Sorry Centipede fans, this just didn't seem like a 'horror' movie to me.

So what genre does that make this? Torture porn? Scatalogical porn? It certainly wasn't horror - unless you are really offended by poopie. Speaking of pure shit, let's (again briefly) review: 

The Human Centipede 3: Final Sequence: This movie creates a whole new genre: Masturbatory porn. No, it's not full of people playing with themselves. I'm referring to the proud creator of these three totally unnecessary pieces of shit (pun intended); Tom Six. He tried to up the ante to the max but only proceeded to film a self-serving movie to crow at his own accomplishments. It wasn't enough that he was responsible for these films - he had to be in this one too.

The two psychos from movies one and two are here also - this time the German 'doctor' is playing a Texan - badly. The other psycho is his accountant. They're trying to figure out a way to save money on expenses. Umm, they're not paying for anything - why do they care? Hell, I don't know and I don't care.

The accountant thinks he has found a way - connect all the inmates, let the shit run its course, and save a bunch of money for... whatever. Tom Six supposedly was invited to check this idea out to see if it is 'medically accurate'. Duh. All the characters practically salivate over him, singing his praises about how 'wonderful' his two movies were. Sigh. Could his ego be ANY bigger? Geez. Oh, if you want to see this movie - watch it with the sound off. There's no important dialogue to speak of, besides, you know you're just watching it to see another line of butt-to-mouth people. 

Tom Six says he'll let them do it if he gets to watch one of the operations. What, he's got a patent on disgusting surgeries? Why the hell do they need HIS permission? Again, I do not care. But I did get a small chuckle when he finds out what they did to the 'lifers' - he pukes. That's about the range of his acting.

But the biggest disappointment that made me cringe (seeing prison inmates sewn together wasn't terribly scary) was the fact that Clayton Rohner, an actor I like and respect, actually played the 'surgeon' in this barf fest. The fact that Eric Roberts plays Texas' governor was just a minor irritation. I just shook my head and practically clapped when the movie was over.

There's one thing though. Okay, they sewed all the inmates together (meaning they had to be naked). So how the hell did they get their jumpsuits back on? Answer that Mr. Six, you self-serving bastard.

                        

RED ROVER, RED ROVER, SEND YOUTUBE ON OVER... WHAT? YOU WANT $9.99 A MONTH JUST TO CUT OUT COMMERCIALS... SEND YOUTUBE BACK!





Does Anybody Have A Pair Of Hands They're Not Using?


As you, faithful reader, have noticed, I haven't been around for a while. Well, not around here anyway. I've been so frustrated with these brittle sticks I call hands from my fibromyalgia, that I started making videos. I've decided to stick with them, not permanently, just until I find that magical can of oil that the Tin Man used to get around in the Wizard Of Oz. I've looked through hundreds of flea markets and haven't found it yet.

But on the good side I HAVE been keeping busy - or at least as busy as I've been able. I've even entered a contest for better equipment and hopefully a more streamlined process for making better videos:

I've desperately been trying to do a Craptacular Marathon, but making videos, believe it or not, takes a LOT more time than just typing out a review. And I do it without a script because I hate to just read stuff - there are some very popular YouTube channels where guys just put up a picture and read stories - and not even their own. They usually read Creepypastas - you know, those spooky stories that some take too seriously and some even think they're true... like the Tall Man. Duh.

I don't beg for likes or subscriptions - that's not what I'm doing it for. Trust me, if my hands worked properly, this is what I'd rather be doing. I have time to think, I have better jokes (usually), and I don't stutter or have to show my face to the world. Buuuuut... 

Just doing this much has made my digits cramp up so much I'll be applying heat and cold to them for the next week, without doubt. So my dear ones, please check out the video channel, not because I want to be popular, but to find out what you've missed and proof that I'm not just sitting on my butt and have forgotten about you wonderful people.


https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzMdloAsYemEgugm9wXQDyA



Meanwhile my readership numbers keep going up for which I am extremely grateful and hope that somehow I can pay more attention to my first love, this blog.

                         

YES, I'M STILL HERE, YES MY HAIR IS BLUE, YES MORE MOVIES ARE COMING, YES I'M WORKING ON MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL, YES..... HUH? WHAT? I SAID MY HAIR IS BLUE. BLUE. BBBLLLUUUEEE!!!

Screw You Facebook!

Yes, this is actually me typing a rather small but long overdue blog about the wheres and whens and whats about the last month or so...

Brief review: In March, Facebook decided to lump me in with admittedly good company and dumped me as being 'fake' along with quite a few other Native Americans. It's not just us though - they've 'spread the net' so to speak and included new groups as well as those they've already harassed: The LGBT community, some authors and television and YouTube personalities, people who's names sound 'suspicious', and anyone who's been 'anonymously' reported. 


Right now it seems their focus is to piss off just about the whole world as their pious no-that's-not-a-name declaration is now including religious groups and people who have last names that couldn't possibly be real, like Avatar. Or Shoy. Or Jemmaroid Von Laalaa. That is not a joke people. A woman from London was using the name on her account when it was whacked. So she did the normal, realistic, logical thing: She changed her real name to the one on her account. Did she get her FB account back? Nope. Has she gotten her REAL name back yet? And how much did it all cost her?

For a while I rebelled and I worked HARD. I put up tons of false accounts (Hey if they violate my rights, I can violate their policy, right?) which took only minutes to set up but hours to check all the accounts and 'maintain' them so they had some sort of activity on them. They were up for months - some for almost a year - until I got a little too smart and put up a video encouraging others to do the same. Sure enough, within 48 hours all but two of the accounts were gone. I had a 'Native American' account (I called it Native Zuckerberg for chuckles) that I attached a page with all the articles I could find:

https://www.facebook.com/Native-American-Names-Are-Fake-Says-FB-Zuckerberg-804211789664135/timeline/

Now the only reason it's still up is that I saw a YouTube video (there's starting to be a lot of them) of a small media company asking if anyone knew how to retrieve their accounts (sorry dude, they're gone) and thought hmm, if they kick off the Native account... good thing too 'cause I would have lost all of that work. 


But you know what? Zuckerberg's focus is on a 'dislike' button and making people who set up events know when their 'friends' look at the event to see who's ignoring them and hate their guts forever. That's just too exhausting to keep up on, so I've taken a break from all that. Besides, I don't use Facebook anymore (except for the Native page) so why should I keep fighting? It isn't like any of my 'friends' have protested for me. And as you can see above, my overseas audience hasn't suffered much from the split so... screw you Zuckerberg and your pilfered program. Your time is swiftly coming to an end anyway idiot.


So. What's up? Well, I needed a change. A BIG change. And so...

C'mon, admit it - you're not really surprised, right? So with my new, uh, look I've been working hard on building up my YouTube web site. It's been handy during the triple degree heat when my fingers simply refused to do much of anything I told them to. It takes a LOOOOOONG time though. There's me doing the review (usually without a script, I like making up jokes on the fly), then editing it on my software, uploading it to YouTube (a video of approx. 15 minutes long can take two hours to upload), then I edit it AGAIN with their software and finally... splat. They're up. My 'subscription' list is very short, as are my views but hey, I'm up to 1,500 views and that's, well, about 1,400 views more than I thought I'd ever have.

So if you're feeling adventurous (and my fingers continue to rebel), head on over to my channel. I'm currently working on a BooHoo Hulu Review Craptacular Marathon (breaking it into pieces though so it won't be an hour long) so come on over to: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzMdloAsYemEgugm9wXQDyA

And, as always, thank you for continuing to read my blog, send comments my way (not you Chris Wylde, you're still grounded young man until you can keep a civil tongue in your head) and hopefully either my hands will work better or I'll hire some kid who can type 120 words a minute with two fingers and is willing to be paid in Red Bull to get my notes on this blog...

SHE'S DEAD! SHE'S DEAD! SHE'S... OH WAIT, HERE SHE IS...

Working Two Jobs Is Cwazy...

Yes faithful ones it is I, Miss Murder, returned from the grave to... wait a minute. If I was dead then alive again I'd be a remnant and have to hang around Chris Wylde nononononononononononno....

I think I'll choose to stay alive, thank you. Anywho, I've been working on my new YouTube channel (How do you change the name on those things? I'd like it to say Miss Murder, but...) so as you've noticed, new entries here have been almost non-existent. Sorry.

I say sorry in my life a lot. Sorry 'cause I have fibro and can't function most of the time, but at the same time can't seem to die dammit, sorry I got a freaking dog breed wrong in a movie review, sorry to Chris Wylde for even mentioning a movie - no, make that TWO movies that he's been in and assure his wife I'm not some clinging Girl Fan that's going to show up at his house at three in the morning crying and begging him to see me.

Okay the last half of that paragraph was total bullshit. Sorry Chris. Or Mr. Wylde. Or Santa Claus. Whoever the hell I was talking to...

Obviously this is not a movie day although movie days are really, really late. Sorry for.... ah dammit, just take every paragraph I type and mentally say 'sorry' and we'll get this done much faster.

Sooooo... this is going to be about a recent event we had considering upping the security of our credit/bank/money - everything. My husband had heard commercials featuring both the NRA and Rush Limburger... umm Limbaugh (well, the way he looks he probably SMELLS like limburger) promoting a service called Lifecock. Apparently if you pay Lifecock your money they will protect your money. So he asked me about Lifecock and I decided to look it up and see what reputation Lifecock has with keeping people's money safe.

I couldn't find it. I used Google and everything was JUST DISGUSTING AS HELL. So I looked for an ad on TV. Whoops, sorry again folks. LIFE LOCK is the business I was supposed to be looking at. But, no surprise to me, it wasn't much better.

I finally decided to skip all the company assessment sites and went straight to the BBB. That's Better Business Bureau to keep us all straight. So this is Life Lock's customers who had to go to the BBB to report the LL buzzards. Funny, the cases were separated in categories of Positive, Neutral, and Negative. Why would positive reviews be on the BBB? 'Cause those people had to contact 'em to settle a problem and apparently they did. I guess. And I can print these if I want to because they're on a public website, so there! Oh yeah, I left all the language, bad spelling and grammar too, 'cause it's funny that these people are the ones who were SMART enough to contact the BBB...


Positive Experience (3 reviews)

2/8/2014: I have been with Lifer Lock for 1 year. I live in South carolina and last year their Department of Revenue (what a surprise) was hacked. Because of the the state was offering free credit monitoring. Mt attitude was when something is for free, it is not really the best, so I joined life lock. I recemntly increased my credit line with a company who asked if is was ok to acess my credit report which I gave permission for. Three days later I had an email and snail mail that ny credit report was acessed and that I should contact them to advise if it was legitimate. 

So kudos to Lifelock. I just renewed my membership and the only negative is that I had to scour the internet for a promo code to obtain the discount for another year. I find and some of the codes were not valid according to lifelock. The agent blamed it on the sales department. I am happy with the service but find the begging for the promo codes a little demeaning. But I do recommend the company, just research out the cost, it is the responsibilioty of the consumer.


1/29/2014: We have been with LifeLock for several years. If account is 100% set up and all info provided; as we did, protection is provided. We have been notified each time our info has been used. We are happy with LifeLock and know others who; when taking the time to set it up, are just as happy.


2/14/2013: I would highly recommend Lifelock, Inc. to anyone that has had an identity issue. I have been with them for the past two years. They are always helpful when calling their customer service department.


Neutral Experience (2 reviews)

10/29/2014: I decided that I would not renew for another year with Lifelock and contacted them. I was told by the rep that my account was flagged to not auto renew per my request. Ironic that the only unauthorized charge on my credit this year was from the company I had hired to protect me from this kind of thing. I just got off the phone with them and my account has been cancelled with the promise of reversal of charges on my credit card within 3 to 7 business days. They alerted me when ******* ran my credit to open an account, but that wasn't worth the yearly fee in my opinion. Neutral at this point about them.

9/26/2014: I was a Lifelock member for the entire year. When my renewal letter came in, I decided to cancel my service. Lifelock cancelled the service about a week prior to the end of the year that I already paid for. FORTY EIGHT HOURS after they cancelled my membership, My identity was stolen, My bank accounts hacked and over $3,700.00 transferred out of my account. 

Is that a coincidence that 48 hours after they cancelled my membership, which was prematurely cancelled. I paid up through October 4th and they cancelled it on Sept 20th. On Sept 22, I was a victim of identity theft. I think lifelock had something to do with this. I don't trust the company. The entire year nothing happened and then 2 days after a cancellation I got hacked? Im not buying it, not am I buying lifelock ever!

Negative Experience (30 reviews)

5/29/2015: Worse customer service ever. I don't think education is a very high priority with the people out there. No common sense. I received information that my mother was going to have the account renewed. She no longer needs this service, as I am taking over her matters as I am her POA. I called and spent 15 minutes on hold to obtain a fax number to sent the POA. I could never get the fax to work no matter what time of day it was. So I mailed a copy of our POA and a request to stop service. 

Never heard a word. Followed up a week later and was told I needed to submit THEIR POA. I was never told that on the phone when I spoke to the guy who gave me the fax number. I was on the phone numerous times trying to get this resolved. I have threatened legal action to know avail. Will probably have to go through with it. I just faxed the POA today and the faxed worked. Need to do that before 7:30 am CT. I think they shut it off after that. 

I am also mailing a copy of their POA. I will do so Certified Mail. I doubt very much that this company even watches over your accounts. I think they just collect the fee and sit on it. Do not ever submit your credit card information to them. They will take it and run.


5/21/2015: I made 3 calls today into their customer service line. The first woman that I spoke to was pleasant (or so I thought so). After not having called for customer service in a couple years, who would remember all the security questions. I was told that I would have to send in documentation supporting I am who I say I am, but no information on how other than fax. 

Who owns a fax machine anymore? I called back in, a different woman, to see if there was anything I could do, again provide documentation of who I am, but no method of how. At this point, I log into the account as the primary account holder (my wife) so I can update the billing information. While looking, I notice I did answer the questions (last four of the card number and other members on the account) correctly. This got me a little fired up... I called a third time, and a man answered this time. 

After he told me that he wasn't able to access my account, I asked him what do I need to access the account, he said documentation...I asked a bit more firm and direct being the third call and all. "What the **** do I need to do" I asked. He replies with "already told you, with documentation, processing will take awhile". But still no method of what is really needed or where to send it, not that I would send my private information anyway. 

I then advised I will cancel the account online. he was kind enough to say you can't...Wow, what customer service! You would think a company that is meant to protect others would be a little more helpful. I am now going to cancel my account on this accord.


4/30/2015: Please read *** *. 9-26-2014 review, I just experienced horrible customer service. I originally called to renew asked about any discounts like Aaa she said I can give you 20% but I need your *** number give it to her she said I'm having problems putting the discount and puts me on hold and then said I can give you a discount but it's a different discount but it's only 15% I said let me call you back and I'll call *** check on my membership number. 

I called *** number the same and called my flight back then they told me my subscription is active I just paid, I said I didn't authorize any payment and she told me I upgraded my plan which was considerably more than my original plan I asked her what's the difference she couldn't really tell me that I asked for a transaction confirmation number she said she couldn't give me one and the numbers she was giving me were constantly different then I got passed onto two different supervisors and said all I want is a transaction number you can't give me a transaction number I want to cancel the credit card payment. 

The supervisor said that he would have to cancel my membership and then that would trigger a refund per their antiquated billing system I said that was absurd as I am in finance department of a large corporation for over 20 years and have experience with transactions. I said I will review the different plan that I didn't originally authorize and call you back but my first thought was what this *** * comment was that these people have all my information and are quite capable of doing considerable home tonight finances and after the last supervisor said he will definitely put extremely detailed notations on my account and said I agreed to the original transaction. 

I said I have lost all faith and confidence in this company's ability to handle my financial security very scary I can see where they would jeopardize in order to gain the business back very unhappy. And on top of not being happy they process the payment that I didn't authorize and said they were unable to reverse the transaction.

Note: I think I'll spare you the rest - they just get worse and worse...

Just one more thing about this, uh, troubled company:

http://americasmarkets.usatoday.com/2015/07/21/lifelock-tanks-40-on-ftc-slapdown/

Printed on July 21, 2015 the gist of the article is that the stocks of this company are in biiiiig trouble 'cause LL was caught violating a 2010 order by the FTC that already cost them $12 million in fines... yikes! Yeah, you keep pushing their ads on your show Rush Limbaugh...

                      

HUH, THIS LOOKS PRETTY SWEET AND ANOTHER SOURCE OF HORROR MOVIES IS ALWAYS WELCOME... YAY THEY'RE LETTING ME TRY OUT THE BETA VERSION AND IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY WORTH A LOOK...

Shudder

Just a quick word about yet another horror movie streaming service that currently is in the Beta version (not available to the public yet).


You have to go to www.shudder.com and they'll tell you to submit your email to be notified when the service is available. I got to see the Beta version yesterday - the site is pretty slick and yes, there are some movies that are the same as on other sites, but perusing through it I found plenty I'd never heard of.


It even has an 'idiot screen' (my words) that runs 24 hours a day if you can't decide on which movie to check out. There is closed captioning available - if the movie has it. The streaming is smooth, it does stutter a bit if I try to do other things while a movie is playing but not badly.

Then I went there again today (June 20, 2015) and I was 'bumped' off and told again to submit my email in order to get word of when I could join. Bummer. Hmm, wonder if they found out I'm Native American...

Cause TV is pretty much passe' these days for horror lovers. Chiller? Okay - if you want to watch Buffy all day and a worn out movie on Friday nights. SyFy channel? One or two decent shows, and the rest filled up with just... stuff. IFC? Please. FX? Nope. I love Archer but I can see that somewhere else and I don't need to see a blockbuster five times in one week thank you, especially if I didn't like it in the first place (same goes for you Spike and TNT). 

AMC? Well they do have The Walking Dead. It's kind of dragging now though, isn't it? Sons of Anarchy, Breaking Bad, and Justified are all going away. What's left? Hundreds of sports channels, 'buy my crap' channels, 'DIY - if you're an expert' channels. For roughly a Benjamin each month? Pffft. Shudder IS from AMC so at least they're trying. But...


Local channels? Well they were mainly for the local news which we never watch (same thing every day). Sunday night used to be my cartoon night, a holy night - SHE SAID JUST KIDDING GOOD GRIEF WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? But, heaven help the person who messed with those (except when some schmuck named Bin Laden got killed) but I can see those in lots of places if I wanna.

I can understand why these new services are popping up. With Screambox, you get a month free and then $3.99 a month. As long as they keep the movies changing, watching a month of horror for the price of what we used to rent one of them for is a pretty good deal - and its streaming also is pretty smooth.

With Shudder they give you 2 months, and then it's $4.99 a month. Update 6/21/15 - Shudder put me back on the sight and yeah, there's some good movies among the meh stuff, enough to keep me busy for a while. Cool.

Netflix has horror, but it's very limited, and Hulu - pfft. I guess that's cheaper than cable or satellite but Hulu is buggier than shit. Netflix IS the superior streaming source and has closed captioning, but not a lot of younger people want to watch old TV shows, cartoons, chick flicks, romcoms, and, <shudder> zomcoms. Netflix has also developed the nasty habit of dropping movies with very little warning, and keeping sequels but dropping the originals.

So. Sign up for www.shudder.com if you want to see if there's something for you to enjoy. I know I saw movies I couldn't wait to tear apart.