GIMME AN 'F', GIMME AN 'R', GIMME A 'Q', GIMME A, UMM A, UMMM, WHAT WERE WE TRYING TO SPELL ANYWAY? OH YEAH, REVENGE! REVENGE! REVENGE! WIKKA WITCH BULLSHIT! ZOMBIES! YAY!!!

All Cheerleaders Die (2013)

Heeeey bitches! Time for another bedtime story - and I don't wanna hear any static out of you hoes and hosers 'cause you've heard this all before from a dozen other movies 'cause I gots me the floor right now and Ima gonna speak my piece so shut up and listen up! You don't like my title? Hey, you don't have to know how to spell to be a cheerleader you know. Now listen up kiddies 'cause this is one story that has so much duh, copying of other movies, plot contrivances, and just 'WTH is this stuff?' that it actually becomes fun to watch.


This is one of those few movies where the entertainment overcomes the DUH of the plot. And the actors. And the situations. And the fact that this movie has doomed itself immediately by telling you it's gonna have a sequel. Never NEVER do that. Just ask... oh, never mind. This was written and directed by Lucky McKee/Chris Sivertson based on their original film 'All Cheerleaders Die'. What they meant by that (besides it being totally stupid) is that they remade their OWN movie that came out in 2001. This is how it plays out:

Maddy (Caitlin Stasey) is making a cheerleading movie with her friend Alexis ('Why do you call the cheerleaders bitches?' 'Cause - the players are the Bloodhounds so we're the bitches, a'ight? It's gangsta!'). Alexis tries to show off and ends up breaking her neck. Three months pass, and we see Maddy determined to 'ruin' Alexis' boyfriend Terry (Tom Williamson) for... several things he's done.

The cliche's and stereotypes fly fast and heavy throughout this whole thing: Cheerleaders are super skinny (they're not - it takes muscles to do those moves), football players are demi-gods always looking to score sex and drugs and alcohol, (they're not, although many of them might like to think so) kids who are different are outcasts, losers, or 'emo'. 

So this is a 'I'm gonna get you sucka' kind of movie where we only have to wait for the rest of the cheerleaders and football players to die right? Well... not quite. But this film also has a bit of a messy plot line and what it's going to shape into is not quite made clear until you're twenty minutes or so into the movie. And I had given up on it at first. Buuut, I try to finish every movie I start no matter what, so I waited a day and tried again.

Okay, Alexis goes boom and three months later for the new high school year, Maddy decides to infiltrate the cheerleading squad to get her revenge. For Alexis? Kinda sorta. She's got other reasons of her own too. She makes the squad because, you know, if she didn't the movie would be over. Everybody's happy except her ex-lover Leena (Sianoa Smit-McPhee; how's THAT for a name?), who is into 'Wikka witch bullshit' (that's the movie talking, not me) and foresees that Maddy is in deep shit.

We have the obligatory pool party full of cheerleaders. And a party in the cemetery (two cliche's in one). There's a small side story that Leena, playing with her magic stones, tells the younger sister of a cheerleader that if she wants it badly enough, she could have her sister's boyfriend - if she accepts the consequences. That comes later.

The 'boys' stop by and, as Maddy had planned by making out with cheerleader Tracy, she and Terry get into a fight and break up. Terry was Alexis' boyfriend and started dating Tracy right after the funeral. He gets mad enough to punch Tracy (and the Foley guy better not get any more work for making a simple punch sound like concrete hitting harder concrete). 

After that, he needs revenge AND to prevent any of the girls from calling the police and ruining his high school year. It escalates into a sort of drag race with a car full of 'bitches' and the other car full of 'bulldogs'. The girls crash into a river. The guys chicken out and leave. The girls are dead.

Emo girls practicing Wicca witch bullshit must have super strength because Leena was able to break into the car that is upside down in the river and drag all the girls to the edge. Of course, they're all dead but she IS a witch, right? She notices her stones rattling... sure enough a stone for each girl starts to glow and embeds itself into wherever they were injured. As for Leena, her part in this... uh... whatever they're trying to make it, is to have one purple stone glow, then embed itself into her throat. Oh goody. For whatever reason, that means she is now their leader. Why? <Sigh> How long do you want to be here?

Next morning, all girls 'wake up'. And, in Freaky Friday tradition, the two sisters are in the wrong bodies. Why? That comes later. But what they do discover (by watching Leena resurrect her cat for the third time - a little Re-Animator anybody?) is that they have no heartbeat, and they also have a thirst for human blood. But hey, there's school.

And time for another cliche'. The super slow hot-chicks-walking-down-the-hall-making-everybody-stop-and-look scene which includes a tarted up Leena, the leader of this group. Why? I dunno, she has the one ring... umm I mean the one stone? 

While at school, the younger sister (in her older sister's body) boffs the older sister's boyfriend (Remember the 'consequences' story? No? You've gotta pay more attention dude...). Another kills and drinks the CGI blood of one of the football players. When they feed, they heal up and feel better. When one has sex, the others all collapse to moan and wriggle on the ground to the entertainment of the other kids.

When Maddy collapses, Terry sees her back glowing (where the rock went in). Then Terry and a couple of the other football players find the body of their fellow player that got killed and Terry figures the glow has something to do with it.

He kills one of them, digging where he saw the glow. He gets it out and it fights like hell to get away from him but he swallows it. He now is... something else. He decides to kill them all, get all the stones.


Terry steals Leena's bag - now he's going after the rest of the stones. Leena and Maddy have to go get them - and since Leena is letting Maddy 'feed' on her blood, they're best bud... umm I mean they're girlfriends again.

We get the cheesiest 'love story' type of music as the two girls go after Terry on a motorcycle - taken from a guy who really liked Maddy so she really... killed him. Kind of like Romeo and Juliet - you don't know Romeo and Juliet? That's okay, they don't know you either.


So it all comes to a head at the grave of the munched cheerleader from the beginning. Why? Don't ask questions or you don't get dessert, you mouth breathers. Terry's got Leena and set traps for the other two surviving girls because he wants Leena's 'secrets' - he's already swallowed two or three stones so he's like... dumber than ever. We find out that the main reason Maddy's been after him is not just that he went for Tracy practically at Alexis' funeral, but he also raped Maddy the summer afterward. He thinks Maddy's dead but... Tracy fell on the traps Terry set, and Maddy landed on HER so she lived. Sooooo....

Maddy rescues Leena, Terry tries to kill Maddy, and Leena concentrates on her stones. They beep (do NOT ask questions) and circle in the air above Terry which scares him for some reason even though they're the size of quarters. Now everybody must get stoned... umm I mean unstoned as all stones come out of everybody to join the little dance.


Leena gets 'em and the purple one goes to Maddy, bringing her to life for the third time, but one goes underground... hmmm... says the movie critic with the Horror Movie Worksheet (patent pending) already filled out - I wonder what THAT will do??? DUH!!! Up through Terry's body (which was the coolest scene in the movie) comes Alexis and SHE. IS. PISSED. She screams for Leena...

And that's the end of Part One. And all the other parts, we hope. And just for ONE MORE IRRITATION, during the credits the music changes like somebody with ADD is listening to the radio and keeps changing stations. Thanks guys. I feel... horrible.




                        

I WOULDN'T WISH THIS MOVIE ON MY WORST ENEMY... BUT YOU CAN IF YOU WANT TO...






The Revenant (2009)

I was really looking forward to this movie. A zombie buddy picture, a horror/comedy about a soldier dying in battle who 'revives' after being brought home in a box, who then joins his best friend to be the good guys. 'Keeping the streets of L.A. safe for the undead' I believe is one way they put it. Massive BS on that. This foul mouthed duo needed to lie down and stay dead. First we have Bart, a soldier fighting overseas in a Country no one seems to agree on - I read in three different places Iran, Iraq and Afghanistan. 

Sorry to tell you kiddies, but even I (being geographically ignorant) know that these are three DIFFERENT COUNTRIES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. So where was he? I had to go back to the film (and I REALLY didn't want to) to find out he was - in the Rumaila Oil Fields, Basra, Iraq. SO THERE, YOU PEOPLE WHO THINK ANY COUNTRY WITH SAND IS INTERCHANGABLE. Whew, sorry but this movie brings out the massive jerk in you. Probably because the two 'heroes' in this movie are massive jerks. They may be friends but that doesn't make them good ones.


Okay, lets find something good to say about this movie. This should take about a minute. The makeup and gore and special effects were outstanding. Just looking at the makeup work on the main two characters made me wince - those contact lenses must've hurt like a bitch and I'll bet they spent half of the day in a chair getting that latex right. 

So what if Bart's facial injuries, scars and even skin texture changed from scene to scene? Did we expect better? Excellent effects sometimes means sacrificing continuity. Watch Evil Dead. Please. 'Cause this movie really, really sucks.

And the basic premise for the story was a good one - a fallen soldier and his friend go against the 'creatures of the night' so to speak to clean up the streets. Groovy.

Now the bad. This is going to take a while. No, you know what? It doesn't deserve that much. Yeah the makeup was good and so was the premise but the delivery, the length of the film (110 minutes), the juvenile language (Geez, do you guys know any words longer than four letters?) and the fact that these two are HORRIBLE people from start to end just ruined anything they did - you just wanted this piece of crap to end.

The soldier, Bart (David Anders), dies because he is a dumbass - an insult to the real soldiers deployed in foreign countries. Adding insult to injury, he causes the death of his squad. This is our hero? Granted, he thought he hit a small child with their vehicle (I'm wondering if that kid didn't start the infection) but when it's dark and you have orders and the lives of your comrades at stake you don't just say 'I'm gonna go out in the dark and see what's out there.' Blammo. Lots of people waiting with rifles idiot. Then for whatever reason it takes a month from the time he dies to the time he's buried. So he stinks. In more ways than one.

Funeral, burial, people drinking in the bar talking about their hero. His best friend Joey (Chris Wylde who I wanted dead in the worst way) 'comforts' Bart's girlfriend by sleeping with her. Nice. That night Bart 'wakes up', gets out of his box and finds his buddy.


Lots of bad language, lots of juvenile stunts, more language, typical zombie stuff like vomiting black goop all over everything, more bad language, both yelling at each other, more vomiting. So they do the natural thing - they go out to party. 


At the liquor store they encounter a stereotypical gangbanger (the stereotypes fly fast and loose in this crapfest) and he and Bart face off, both shooting the other. Bart gets up of course, and finds some quick nourishment feeding off of the dead dude's blood. So he doesn't do the taffy pull, doesn't pull off and chew on legs or arms, just eats blood.

Joey looks this up and decides that Bart is a revenant, a person who has returned, supposedly from the dead. Duh. Zombie. Ghoul. Revenant. Whatever. It doesn't make him any smarter. Although he becomes like the real dead during the day, sunlight doesn't hurt him. And this little tidbit works against this freaking movie later.

After playing like they're in a Tarantino movie for a while (shooting, sucking blood, chopping up the bodies - or not - then dumping them in the river) Joey gets in front of a bullet. Whoops. So Bart 'infects' him. After stinking up the place for, I guess, a month, Joey gets up and now both are sucking (literally and figuratively) and the bodies are piling up.

Small problem. These 'revenants' do not get destroyed as easily as they think. The original gangbanger who they chopped up and threw in the river returns, sewed together, bloated and pissed off. He captures Joey, cuts him up and sends Bart his head. Still um, alive. I'm not going to describe the scene of how he enables Joey to talk but he is asked to kill him so he takes a huge ass piece of machinery and runs over the head. Nice splat and squish by the way. The effects and gore were pretty good. If they could have cut the movie to just show those, they might have had something.



Instead we're tortured with more crap - Bart trying to kill himself which doesn't work, Bart and all the other he 'infected' being captured by the military and prepared for war. In capsules reminiscent of those in The Return Of The Living Dead the revenants are packed (if there's just enough of them to be mobile, they're usable I guess) and they are dropped over Khuzestan Province, Iran. 









That's where this sorry piece of... cinema makes its final mistake. These guys are REALLY DEAD during the day. It shows them being dropped in the daytime - yet we get one last woebegotten glance at Bart as he contemplates his immediate future. Uh, he's not supposed to be awake, remember? No no, don't fix it, just run the credits pretty pretty please...

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies

TROMA-TIZED





Surf Nazis Must Die (1987)

Does it make me seem old that I did not quite get the joke in this movie? It's not the first film by Troma Entertainment I have tried - Troma being almost synonymous with exploitation movies. But I'm sorry, I just didn't see the funny or the point. An earthquake in California ruins the coastline - just where exactly? In every beach scene everything was pristine. As far as the populace goes they show ONE person being evacuated from her home (I supposed a mass evacuation would cost too much money) and she had to go to a care center. Umm, what? She could take care of herself but has to... you know what? Never mind.


Stereotypes are here in spades but then again they're supposed to be. We have the main group (consisting of about five) of Neo-Nazis led by Ricky Johnson - err that's Adolph and his girlfriend Eva. Sorry Adolph, you were much too dark and 'ethnic' to be a Nazi, you weren't even close to being Aryan. Anyway, there's also some young street punks covered in soot and makeup, a group of Chinese surfers, a group of yuppie surfers... you get the idea. And nowhere is there any indication of an earthquake.

It's kind of like the Troma people wanted a combo of Bleach Blanket Bingo, A Clockwork Orange, The Road Warrior, and any other movie they could rip off.


So an oil well worker is out for a jog and happens to be African American. Adolf refers him as, well, you probably know - and the young man named Leroy (oh come on) is killed. That is the only son of the one woman who was evacuated and sent to the care center. And mama gets mad and when mama gets mad she gets even. Finding the funds to not only afford a new Harley Sportster to pretend to ride around on, she also goes into a pawn shop to buy weaponry - the shop of course being owned by a Jew. There is NO enlightenment in this movie. 

She buys a Walther P38, great weapon except it originated in Nazi Germany... oops was I not supposed to mention that? They stopped making this weapon  in 1963 (or 1945 if you read the internet movie firearms database). It's also been used in more movies and television than I could possibly list, although I noticed their list did NOT include this movie.... hmmm. She also buys grenades.

So now it's mad mama against the Nazis since they have killed all the other stereotype groups. And since this movie isn't worth exploring as far as it having any value as entertainment, suffice it to say she kills 'em (some on land, some in the water) and rides off on her Harley laughing like a madwoman. The end.

Well that's more than enough Troma for me so I picked a film that was supposed to be arty, surreal and conceptually deep. In other words, a piece of sh... well, I'll save that for the next review.



                              

IF I STRIP FOR YOU WILL YOU STRIP FOR ME?

Spellcaster (1992)

This was a pure throw-away movie. The production company must have felt the same since the movie was made in 1988 but not released  until 1992. I was feeling... weak and didn't want something I had to pay close attention to. Plus it said it starred Adam Ant, and having had a bit of a crush on the guy (he looked good in makeup and feathers - better than Johnny Depp in my opinion) I thought why not? It's supposed to be just one of those 80's type horror movies, nothing too serious, just a bunch of blow-dried kids wearing leggings with cowboy boots running around looking like idiots. In other words, the usual.

The premise is that Rock TV (their version of MTV) is promoting a giveaway where kids from different countries have a chance to go to Italy to the Diablo Castle (Oh brother, is that the best they could do?) for a contest - somewhere in the castle is hidden a check for a million dollars. Accompanying the lucky kids is a diva full to the brim with her own self-importance, and a VJay. We have stereotypes from several countries, I don't even have to explain them, they're in every movie like this, plus a brother and sister who just happened to BOTH win a place in the contest. Uh huh.

So the movie drones on - the guests are given rooms and food and the rules are simply to look for the check without breaking anything. The owner, Senor Diablo (of course) never seems to make it to welcome the kids or join them during meals. Which means you don't actually SEE Adam Ant (as Diablo) until 75 minutes into the movie. Sigh. I knew it. They sold this movie on Adam Ant's name but didn't hardly use him. When he finally shows up, he of course is the Devil personified. In a suit and bow tie. Sigh again.

Again, this is a throw-away so... the kids get themselves killed (actually they go to limbo) one by one as Diablo rubs his crystal ball (no I'm not kidding) until just the diva and the brother and sister are left. The diva had made a deal to become rich and famous and was going to trade the kids to get her soul back but she's sweet on the brother so she makes a new deal...

Everyone gets a free pass and everybody's alive again - the diva is famous no more because she made the Devil a new deal - he gets to be a VJay on Rock TV, offering young hopefuls contracts to make them rich and famous singers. Sigh. Oh well, he was still handsome.




                              

SNOOZEFEST: THE RETURN OF THE SNOOZE





Scary Or Die (2012)

All right class settle down, it's project day and we've got a lot of ground to cover so - hey! I said settle down people! You've been divided into groups for your short films and I'm hoping you have a wraparound for them people, I gave you a whole week - YOU! Sleep on your own blog mister! I want to hear what you've got and it's due NOW so let me... no you may NOT have one more day! The assignment gave you two weeks for the story and one week to come up with a wraparound now if it's not done you all get an incomplete for the semester. What's your working title? Scary Or Die. Why? It's a website? Really? That's the best... oh okay what's the setup? 

A hand with icky skin is on a computer mouse looking at a computer site called scaryordie.com for videos to watch. That's... awful. Okay let's continue - group one?


1. The Crossing: Three rednecks in a POS pickup truck travel through Arizona. C'mon people, redneck stereotypes? At least sharpen them up a bit. No? All right the driver has the most smarts apparently, the girl has a body and that's about it as far as talent, and the other is a drooling brown toothed ick who drinks his own foul version of homemade liquor. That's the best you could do? 

They travel through the hot sun, stop to gas up and grab supplies and murder the Mexican at the cash register on the way out. Redneck and racist, really? What's next? Hmm... at the border they stop, and the driver reveals that under a tarp in the back he's got two more Mexicans tied up. And they didn't scream and the girl didn't know they were there huh? Sigh. What's next? They throw them out of the truck and we see they are at the Mexico border. 

There is a lot of clothes and belongings strung all over the ground. It looks like it's all only been there for about five minutes but let's continue. There are also graves. We have racist rednecks that murder Mexicans huh? They kill the two they brought and bury them with the rest, then wait until nightfall, knowing they will probably have the opportunity to kill more as they come across the border. Suddenly a hand reaches up from the ground... oh for crying out loud another zombie story? Really? Mexican zombies, terrific. 

The murdered bodies rise up and kill the two men, the woman is wounded but gets away and runs down the road. Up on the hill are two members of the Arizona Border Patrol with rifles. They see the girl staggering on the road far below. #1: "What do you think?" #2: Looks like a zombie to me." ABP number 2 aims his rifle and shoots her in the stomach and she goes down. #1: "Should we go get her?" #2: "What time is it?" After learning it's the end of their shift he shrugs and says "Let the animals have her." That's it? Rampaging Mexican zombies that just stop rampaging and your twist is the ABP are there for zombies, not illegals? Sigh. C+  

The hand on the mouse, looking a bit worse, continues looking around the site until it settles on:

2. Tae Jung's Lament: People after this assignment we are going to have a serious talk about stereotyping people and cultures. Tae Jung is a man who has lost his wife and mopes around. One night he sees three women, the one in the middle is drop dead gorgeous. And Asian. 

Really people, there ARE other cultures in L.A. A man appears, putting a cloth over her face and dragging her away in a new Honda. Instead of calling 911, Tae takes his iPhone and shoves it inside the gas door of the Honda. Uh huh. He uses his Apple computer to locate his iPhone... do you people know how much product placement costs? He locates the phone and WALKS to the location. The man is driving a car, he is walking but he catches up to them right away. Really? Sigh. 

He finds both by a canal, the man about to murder the woman. He knocks the man into the canal and saves her. As a reward she invites him to a party the next week. C'mon people, you don't think anyone has guessed this situation and the ending by now? Really? Tae Jung goes to the woman's building where, again, everyone is Asian. He goes up and there are nothing but drop dead gorgeous women. 

He starts to make out with the one he rescued, apparently the leader... we see starting at the front door every person on the way up is dead, staked through the... ah come on! The final scene is just as Tae gets fangs to the throat the man who was knocked into the canal drops his bag to get more stakes and a large wooden mallet. Then... aw hell you have GOT to be kidding me <puts hand on forehead in disgust>. We then see the name 'Van Helsing' on the bag. You ran out of money here - I see you make everything go black and all we hear is screams and pounding and splats... D

Again with the rotting hand... it chooses:


3. Re-membered: A hit man has finished cutting up a body in a motel bathroom. Not very original but at least not racially motivated. He cleans up, wraps the pieces up and puts them in a large duffel bag, throwing a necklace with some sort of pentagram on it on top. Oh brother, here we go. Driving off to get his money, the body in the trunk, he's tired - he's weaving a bit on the road. He hears thumping in the trunk. He stops, looks in the trunk and... the body is there and all is as it should be. 

Driving on he's even more drowsy and his weaving has caught the attention of the 5-0 and he gets stopped. He's about to be let go when there's thumping in the trunk again. As the cop goes to inspect the trunk the hit man gets his gun out of the glove compartment and sticks it in his jacket. The cop comes back, says he's free to go. Puzzled the hit man drives on then stops at the side of the road to look for himself. 

The duffel bag is empty, save for the necklace with <pained look on face> the pentagram and a note that says 'You can't kill me.' He sees the man, with all the cuts but in one piece in his car. He leaps out of the car - the re-membered man <we're going to talk about grammar after this too> is behind him and uses the large bone cutting saw to take his head but we don't see that 'cause you ran out of money... D

The hand is definitely getting ickier as it looks for another story:

4. Clowned: Are we trying to be clever? Hope the story tries as hard. Hmm, two brothers, one older the other small live with their mother. The older one's girlfriend also lives there. He's black and... don't you guys have any shame? Why does he have to be a crack dealer while his white girlfriend is a nurse? Sensitivity training for the whole class will be mandatory starting next week! 

While his mother throws his little brother a birthday party, one of the kids goes missing. All the adults go to look for the kid and the mother tells the older brother to pay the party clown. He finds the clown in the kitchen raiding the refrigerator. Pissed off he tells the definitely pug ugly clown to beat it. The clown drops a kid's finger on the floor and pretty much dares the guy to confront him which, being a black guy... all right, I am not African American but already I am very insulted by this class' racist... sigh. 

The guy, not seeing the finger somehow (Nobody does, doesn't anybody look down or sweep the floor?) shoves the clown outside where they fight and the clown pins him down and bites his leg. After that, he takes off, skipping and dancing down the sidewalk. The kid is never found. 

Now people this story just... quits. I could go on about it but nothing happens. The man mopes around as changes start to take place and... still nothing. You had a good beginning <except for the racist part> but it just dies. Finally when the 'transformation' of monster clown is complete, we... get more moping. Geez! 

Finally it comes down to... oh come on people. The original clown kidnaps his brother? Really? A million children around... so the two clowns square off and he kills the one who bit him. Feeling the urge to eat his brother despite his love he tells him to go home and instead does a DBC (that's death by cop in case you don't know and it's pretty damn insensitive to the poor cops who have to shoot) and your story is done. D-

The hand, in major decay clicks on one last story <Thank God>:

5. Lover Come Back: Another racist story huh? An African American couple, who were once so in love but of course now married and bored, he beats her. I should just flunk your group right now. Oh and because of her race of course her Gran Pere (Cajun for grandfather) knew spells and covered her in goofer dust which, in case you kids think I don't pay attention or know about cultures, is any powder used in a spell, usually supposed to be harmful or deadly and can be or include graveyard dirt. 

Having her grandfather spray it on her as a protection is... ah never mind. So one day her husband, cheater and wife beater kills her and puts her in a trunk. But thanks to Gran Pere, she's going to reclaim her man. She finds him and another woman in a car (too cheap for a motel) and at the sight of her the woman screams and runs, the man can only look in horror as his wife, now rotted Cryptkeeper style, rips him apart. C- and I'm being generous because this was so short.

The wraparound: The owner of the hand stops at the keyboard and the one owning it comes to the doorway. It is the rotted dead wife from story #5. She slams the door. Fin

Starting next week I will be bringing in a sensitivity instructor and you people will learn about tolerance and how harmful stereotypes can be. And as for being film makers? I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.