LET IT SNOW, MAKE IT GO, I DUNNO...

Okay, I'm Done With This Now

The 'dusting' of snow we were supposed to get turned into a four inch frozen nightmare that they promise (yeah, right) will go away today or tomorrow - I'm not holding my breath, but I AM taking a snow day (hey, if the school kids get to use that I'm gonna too) and so the horror movie reviews will have to wait just a little bit longer - but then you were expecting that, right?



If there is anything good to say about fibro (and there isn't), it's that you can bow out of stuff when ya gotta, which is most of the time. AND it's cold. So wherever you are, stay safe, stay warm, stay sane. And for God's sake, PLEASE take care of your pets and keep them sheltered! I'm going nuts here listening to some poor dog barking and howling, probably 'cause it's tied up somewhere outside. In THIS. People who do that should be tied up naked in the woods for a couple of hours and see how they like it.

Yup.

                        

HORROR MOVIES THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE IN YOUR COLLECTION... WAIT A MINUTE, THAT TAKES TWO SENTENCES, SO LET'S CONSIDER SOME GREAT REDDIT RESPONSES TO MY QUESTIONS...

I Took So Long The Seasons Changed

Yes, today (November 13) it has decided that it is now winter in the beautiful Columbia River Gorge in Oregon, which usually doesn't happen until January or so, if it happens at all. Of course, this one inch of white splendor may well be gone in the morning. If there is one thing about living in the Gorge I have learned is that seasons only happen when they damn well feel like it, and sometimes not at all.


We've had two-day springs before (that period between freezing weather and searing heat), and our falls can be gorgeous - tons of trees in every shade of green and orange and yellow that you can think of. For a little while. Then one day there's a blasting wind and BOOM - no more leaves, no more fall. That was a couple of days ago and now we have our first snow. Now we were supposed to get absolutely blitzed, but they tamed that down to just being 'dusted'.

So although I started this column in one 'season', I'm finishing it in another... but you're not surprised by that, especially if you've read even a few of my reviews.

That's OOP, NOT oops... I think...

I was thinking, which is always dangerous, about how much I depend on streaming services for my horror movies, although I do have a decent amount of DVD's in my collection that I'm pretty proud of. Since my brain won't let me clean up and publish all the reviews I have right now, I thought I'd list a couple of suggestions for those who want a decent horror movie collection without having a whole room full of 'em.

Then I came to my senses and thought hell, I HATE it when a horror 'expert' tells me what I should like and what I shouldn't - much less what I should own and what I shouldn't. I mean, I've found treasures that I personally adore that 'critics' called garbage. So why listen to me?


My advice which you can promptly forget if you want to: Get the movies you love. If you can't go a week without watching it, if just looking at the DVD cover makes you happy, if you have it 'cause you're crushing on an actor in it, or if you just have it 'cause it looked interesting, go for it. Don't think you have to have certain titles to have a 'respectable' collection and certainly don't let others determine for you what you spend your money on.

There are certain movies I will watch several times a week - and if I had to rent those, that would add up pretty fast. There are certain movies that aren't offered anywhere - because they weren't popular, or are old, whatever. I have a few that are OOP (out of print) that I really had to search for - but I love 'em.

So. Enough jabbering and let's look into someone else's brain pan for a bit:

After discovering the joys of Reddit (and the trolls, don't forget about those 'cause they're everywhere) I decided to ask a couple questions of my own. I was actually shocked and pleasantly surprised by the fast answers and promised to publish them as is (stories are in italics). Now some are here but I've taken so long, the rest will be on the next entry:

Does Anyone Actually Have One Of Those Dreams Where You Sit Up Gasping Or Screaming?

I've had a bunch. I once dreamed that an entire town had turned murderously rapist and were coming for my girlfriend of the time (now my wife). For some reason, Dream Girlfriend had become entirely intellectually vacant, and didn't realize what a terrible position we were in. I kept thinking it didn't matter as much if they caught me, so long as I was able to keep her safe.

Her new-found idiocy was making that difficult though. The entire dream consisted of me dragging her by the arm to different locales populated by increasing numbers of rape-happy townies. Every corner we turned, every dark hidey hole I led her into was quickly discovered and assailed by them.

Near the end, I tried to escape with her in a self-driving cab (dream tech, I guess). Much to my surprise, after I got in with her, the doors locked, and I realized one of the townies was in the backseat with us. I planted my fist in his face, but he shrugged it off and beamed back at me as if to say "I'm going to start with her." So I put my all into it, over and over again, with him smiling back at me like he was enjoying a light breeze.

With every smile he threw my way, I focused more and more; then, without warning, I broke that smile along with the majority of his teeth. He frowned, spittled out "shit" with a bunch of loose chiclet teeth and blood, and I used the distraction to unlock his door and boot him out of the cab.

So it was the end scene. The camera shifted to the outside, and I sat comfortably in the cab with my challenged girlfriend as we happily drove off into the wild blue yonder. Then, I realized that the cab didn't seem to be moving very quickly. Also, that it was made of cardboard. When I looked around, I realized that the wild blue yonder was painted like a set. Then the horizon fell over flat, and we found ourselves having been carted into a large gymnasium filled with everyone in the town. The doors were closed behind us by a wall of people.

The last thing that I got to experience was being ripped away from my girlfriend by an entire town, her stupid face frowning but not fully understanding what was going on as she was buried under a mass of writhing humanity. Gasping and wakefulness was had. - InDevitoVeritas

Now THAT would be a movie I'd pay to see - even in 3D!






Has Anyone Had An Interesting Lucid Dream? I Mean, The Kind Where You Look Around And Try To Remember Things Because You Definitely Know You Are Dreaming? 


1. Usually I become lucid the same moment I realize it's a nightmare. Last one I had I dreamt I was in my dorm room at night which also has a bathroom. I was in the bathroom preparing to go to bed when I look in the mirror and see a ghostly figure (low of stature with an actual white sheet over their head) and from the familiar feeling of gloomy dread that I get I know it's a nightmare.

I have a feeling I could have unveiled whatever was under there but I really didn't want to instead I immediately try to kick the ghost and yell loudly to seem intimidating which is a force of habit I've developed. But no sound comes from my mouth and my limbs feel heavy. I clumsily clash with the figure and it just disappears like it was nothing but a vision.

I make my way into the bedroom where the ghost is now stranding. It's at this point I decide to wake up. It was a silly monster but the feeling of dread and uneasiness from the unknown threat was real enough. - Sporocarp


2. I have them all the time. One of my favorites was where I found myself in a forest looking at a well. All I could think was "Why the f*** would that be there?" And then, Samara started crawling out of it. So I noped the f*** out. And ended up in another place entirely, far away from the creepy little girl. - annarchy8

What Is The Creepiest Thing A Doctor Ever Said To You? 

I asked this question because of my personal experience that happened just a couple of weeks ago. I went in for, uh, female things and the doc - also female - wanted to do a breast exam. Sigh. Many of you know how fun THAT is. I'm freezing in a paper top laying down and out of the blue the first thing she says is, "Who did your bellybutton?" Uh, what? I just looked at her and she continued, "I've never seen a bellybutton done like that, who did yours?"


Now if I was sharp and had all my wits about me I would have just shrugged and said, "God, I guess," or maybe "The doctor thought a smiley face would be cool to carve in a newborn's stomach." Instead I just stared at her wondering what the hell... I have no piercings so I had to ask - she said my bellybutton was, and I quote, "neither an innie nor an outie, it's just flat." Uh huh. Nurse, check please!


It wasn't until I got home that I realized that I never DID get that breast exam. Meh. I thought that had to be as creepy as it could get - but I was wrong. I guaranteed anonymity (I didn't want anyone embarrassed, and this way they could vent and not worry) and here's what I got:


1. Went to go my blood taken one of the nurses messed up, and my blood started shooting all over the place the doctor coincidentally came in and said "Ohh looks like we got a gusher!" when she stopped it. I found it funny as hell and a little ominous even though I'm pretty sure I could've died from blood loss.


2. The doctor who took over our family GP's practice after he retired when I was 12 spent more time during my first exam lecturing me about the dangers to my soul of playing Dungeons & Dragons than actually conducting the physical. 

He also diagnosed my great aunt, my mother, and me with anemia and prescribed a routine of vitamin shots - I'm not genetically related to either of them and wasn't feeling weak or tired, so the quack alarm started going off for me. 

I insisted on a second opinion from my pediatrician (who gave the expected diagnosis of no health problems aside from a nervous stomach), and ended up going back to him for all medical needs until I was 18.

Turns out the doc was indicted for child molestation when I was in high school, so not bothering to conceal my contempt for him may well have saved me from some very unpleasant experiences.


3. One therapist suggested I give up video games and take up butt plugs as a hobby. She had a doctorate in psychology.

Another therapist has been obsessed with my DNA, and specifically brings up the importance of my DNA every time I think we are going to talk about trauma recovery. She also has mentioned my bloodline, and wanted to know if I had blood work done, and if anything interesting came up in the test.

Not sure how that's going to help me with that 'can't sleep at night problem' I went there for originally.


4. "Thanks for letting me see that awkward mark, but I'm not a doctor."


5. Doctor said "Strip off, take your clothes off." I asked, "Where will I put them?" Doctor said "Put them on top of mine." Miss Murder thinks that one is a little... creative.


6. While getting tested for an STD. My then-doctor pulls out an instrument that he intends to shove up the shaft of my manhood. I was nervous and timidly asked him how far he planned on sticking the instrument in. He chuckled to himself and then said "Not this far." while he motioned with his hand to his mouth and stuck his tongue to his cheek (in the manner of the age-old non-verbal reference to a blowjob).

It struck me as a rather odd and unprofessional time for a b.j. reference . Needless to say I have had plenty of laughs about it since. I also had an occurrence years later doing another STD test with a female nurse alone. But the things we did belong in a totally different subreddit. Ok that was a little TOO creative...

7. Well when I was younger my doctor's name was Dr. Weiner, so that's creepy as it is.

8. One time I went in to get a series of different shots. She gave me a couple of shots, then she got a concerned look on her face and told me to hold on a minute. She left the room, and I could hear her talking to the other nurses. (I don't remember the names of the shots.) She says, "Is it safe to give shot a and shot b at the same time?" All the other nurses just said that they're not sure and mine responds with, "Oh well, I'll just give them in separate arms." Miss Murder personally marks this one as her favorite...

9. My doctor once took a picture of my vagina and showed it to me (he was explaining something and figured the visual would help) he then accidentally swiped and I saw a disgusting vagina. He locked his phone and put it away...

10. I went in for some back pain, and he kept blaming it on my chest. Sure I'm gifted in the chestorial region, but I was NOT expecting him to say things like "really, really HUGE breasts." He even said "GIANT BOOBS." It was beyond skeezy. He's not some brand new, fresh-out-of-school young punk - he's been practicing for over 20 years...

11. I had a rash of spots that suddenly appeared across my chest. When I asked my doctor what it was he told me to Google it, after which he gave me medication for it. Miss Murder thinks we both go to the same doctor - she had one that told her if her infection got worse, to 'go see a doctor' - and he was WHAT exactly?

12. He Told Me Typing Like This Means You Are Going To Die Soon. I've Been Scared For Years. Miss Murder found that very funny, smartass.

13. He told me my blood matched my nail polish.

14. Before I had insurance I would go to the county clinic for birth control. They are always very nice but once during an exam the nurse asked me how many kids I had (I had none at the time). When I told her, she said "By the size of your cervix I'd guess you had at least 3." ...Never before or since have I had comments about the size of my cervix.

More coming up, I promise...



                        

TIME KEEPS ON SLIPPIN' SLIPPIN' SLIPPIN'... INTO THE FUTURE...

The Evil Within/Mine Games (2013)

Currently streaming on Netflix, it will tell you the movie is called Mine Games but when you start to watch, the OTHER title they liked better (but didn't stick with I guess) comes up, The Evil Within. Which is also the title to a popular video game, a 1970 movie, and an episode of Blade: The Series. And they made up their own genre to keep your interest (it fails) - a 'time travel thriller'.

Not. Even. Close.

When it's really obvious drek I have to come up with a decent reason why I would want to subject myself to it. Then I look at the title of my blog (sigh). Plus the movie was shot in the Gifford Pinchot National Forest in Washington state, and some scenes were shot in the Ape Caves, and since I used to live near there and have actually been in the caves, it was enough.

Hmm, who appears in this movie... uh oh. I recognize a name. My fibro brain can't remember to take pills on time, when my doctor appointments are, or what I ate the day before, but I can remember names clear back to when I was <mumbles>. In this case, it's Briana Evigan.

Teen Beat had a strict no-shirt policy...

Nah, she wasn't from way back when, but her dad was. Anybody ever hear of Tiger Beat? Way back when it was the magazine that told us young'uns which guys we should be screaming over (it was pointed to girls - don't know what the boys were looking at, except maybe their dad's Playboys). It is still in print, as well as having a digital version. Woof. That's... dumb.

But I guess magazines that tell us what to think and who's good and who's not are still around, even for adults. When Spin (a music magazine) decided to stop printing in 2012, the smarties at the subscription service figured what I'd most like instead ('cause I wasn't getting my money back) was Esquire. Do you know what Esquire is? Clothes I cannot ever afford and cologne I would never allow in my house. That magazine reeks so badly I can tell when the hubby picks up a new issue in the mail. I'd like to stop those freaking things but... sigh. Oh, and it tells me what is sexy, like I don't know. Short answer: Everything and everyone except me. There. Whoops, one more thing. It's pretty much for men.

Oh yeah, Tiger Beat. Way back when I was <mumbles> I did have my crushes. One was for the actor of the stupidest program on television (and this was in competition with Dukes Of Hazzard and Hee Haw) called BJ And The Bear, with Greg Evigan. If you're a bit younger, you might recognize him from My Two Dads, a show in an age where having two dads married to each other was unacceptable but it was perfectly all right to co-parent a kid whose (dead) mom slept with both guys close enough together (I mean days together, not in the same bed - sheesh) that she doesn't know which one was the kid's dad. And there was no CSI or Maury Povich to cut that series short with a DNA test.

Uh, where was I? Ah. Briana Evigan. When BJ And The Bear started on TV, Greg Evigan was 25. Briana is now 27. Where's my shawl and cane? And why am I stalling with this movie? Because it was absolutely, totally, completely awful. I would recommend watching the first ten minutes or so 'cause they're driving through to the north side of the Gifford Pinchot forest and you'll see some wonderful scenery and Mt. Rainier as they go by. As soon as they hit the gas station, stop. You've seen enough.

I want to meet the sicko who thought this up...

Sigh, but that's not what I do. Seven people who aren't even remotely likable are vacationing in the kind of place that no one can afford ever. It is gorgeous. For 'texture' sort of like having corn in your poo-poo (the Playdoh kind) they decided to mix Australian and American actors for I-really-don't-give-a-damn reasons. And conveniently, within a short walking distance, is an abandoned mine (they don't call it a cave, that's too boring). Nobody's there although a friend was supposed to be there to meet them.

In the first shot we get a few scenes inside the cave. Uh, no. Have you ever been in a cave, I mean a REAL cave? For a freak-out, the guide there at the Ape Caves had us all turn off our flashlights. The darkness is so total you could swear you were seeing things move - and you weren't. 

Here we see dimly lit parts of this non-mine with a voice that repeats two sentences you're going to come to hate - 'This Is The First Time' and 'I Can Break The Cycle'. Oh and an irritating sound sort of like a rattlesnake but not. If you want to skip this movie, go into a dark room, say that about a hundred times, have a loved one come in and grab you aaaaand you're done.

As the kids make a pit stop for gas and munchies we find out that Lyla (Briana Evigan) has a boyfriend Michael WHO'S ON ANTI-PSYCHOTIC MEDICATION OH MY GOD EVERYBODY RUN!!!! Thanks a lot Hollywood for making mental illness even more of a stigma than regular people already do. Besides, if he can have a treated illness and graduate college, I think he can survive a weekend in the country, right? At least in real life. Here... meh.

We see a sign for today's newspaper blaring that PEOPLE WERE FOUND MURDERED IN AN RV!!! All I could think was it must be a real bitch having to paint a sign every day for the newspaper headline that no one reads 'cause everybody just reads their freaking iPads anyway. Oh and just for the final piss off - that's not what it says according to the wiki, so how many versions of a bad movie CAN you make anyway?

Or they would read their iPads if they weren't in the 1% of the nation where there is no cell reception much less wifi. This is actually legit - I know someone who lives in the Gifford Pinchot and no, there's no cell phone reception in many spots. Maybe that's why these college graduates have absolutely no incentive as to call someone when a person tries to flag them down and the swerving makes their van quit working (I guess) so they have to walk the rest of the way to their billion dollar all-hardwood cabin/resort. Do I sound a little resentful to you? Oh well.

OH MY GOD MICHAEL LEFT HIS MEDS IN THE CAR AND WON'T GET THEM UNTIL MORNING - THEY MIGHT AS WELL SLIT THEIR WRISTS NOW!!! Sigh. I really hate that they have a movie about a guy who managed to get through years of college without killing anybody but can't go on vacation without having a babysitter every second.

Oh, and if it seems I've giving you more scenic shots than shots of the 'action' that's 'cause there wasn't much 'action' and believe me, you'll thank me for not having to look at them freaking out about... stuff.

Walking along the street they see the Northern Lights (the movie kind of implies that this plus Michael being a psycho killer in sheep's clothing being the cause of what is coming) and one of them says the Northern Lights shouldn't be seen that far south. Ahem.

Crown Point (aka Vista House) in the beautiful Columbia 
River Gorge in Oregon (Gary Randall Photography)

The Northern Lights are called that because they're in the Northern hemisphere, not on top of the world idiot. We've seen them here in Oregon, and other states have as well. <rolls eyes> How long did you guys go to college again?

Umm, yeah...

After Michael is left outside to feed gas into the generator (no electricity), he comes in with a very strange expression that everyone ignores. He has blood on his face but says he tripped over a gas can. Yeah, gas cans bleed, didn't you know? Anywho, he goes to bed early (because us mentally ill people do NOT like to party) and we have the obligatory get-blitzed-on-every-kind-of-alcohol-we-can-find-without-puking-all-over-the-cabin scene. Michael has nightmares. Yaaaaawn...

Hmm? I haven't even started the movie yet? Okay here we go:

The next morning - they go in the mine they 'just' discovered. It has old dynamite in it. Umm, no. It also is dusky but easy to see everything with small lamps. Umm, no. Rose (who conveniently is a medium) feels someone grab her leg. It causes a wound only she can see. Forever after during the movie she sees her friends as dead and rotting. What a fun girl.

In the cave they find a picture of The Ouroboros, an ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail. It often symbolizes something constantly re-creating itself, the eternal return, and other things such as the phoenix which operate in cycles that begin anew as soon as they end. It can also mean the thin premise of a never-ending movie to eat up time and money and suck the hard earned cash out of your pockets. <rim shot>

Two guys find three guys dead, two of them are themselves. Confused? Too bad, it doesn't get better. That's why I was babbling about other stuff. All through the movie we hear this strange rattling like snakes but don't know what it is.

The friends who invited them never show up - they are the couple found dead in the RV according to the convenient sign at the gas station. Problem with that - they weren't dead yet, they were killed later... you know what? Skip it.

Michael is trapped by his 'friends' for fun and sees on the wall 'This is the first time'. Repeat that about a hundred times.

Let's break it down, shall we? For unknown reasons ('cause it's cheaper that way) there's repeating sequences of the same dumb college graduates coming every day and starting this movie. Each group is oblivious of the other. So somehow the cycle has to be broken. Pleaaaaase.

The bodies are piling up, mainly because it's the same people and Michael is the instigator but we don't get to know why all we know is HE HAS SCHIZOPHRENIA AND SO MUST DIE!!! That's what people think about mental illness, right? You got somebody with one among you, you back away.

So they are circling around themselves trying to figure out how not to die and failing. Over and over. The only one to see past, present and future seems to be Rose, so she's poisoned by... someone (most likely Michael). And dies.

How did it start? Don't ask. The first Michael tells the next Michael to take his meds in the blister pack and throw it on a campfire. That's what the hissing/rattling noise through the whole movie. How? Don't ask. Why did the others hear the rattling when they were nowhere near the fire? Don't ask. Where did the FIRST Michael come from? Don't ask. 

A wounded Lyla limps all night long down the road. How? Don't ask. She manages to get to the gas station JUST as another Lyla is waking up and talking to Michael. The wounded Lyla slams on the van window. Is there going to be a sequel? DON'T ASK.

                        

BEAUTIFUL, SAD, TWISTED AND BRUTAL






The Tall Man (2012) Canada/France

This is one heartbreaker of a movie that I really think you should see. I'll outline the plot but I don't want to give away too much so for just a bit I'd like to talk about movies set in Washington State that are usually filmed in Canada.

The beautiful Columbia River Gorge

I've lived in the Columbia Gorge most of my life. It is the area of the Northern state line of Oregon and the Southern state line of Washington, separated by the Columbia River. It's absolutely beautiful - but I think I can say with no exaggeration that both Washington and Oregon are two of the most beautiful States in the Country. With Oregon you have everything from beaches to lush forests to miles of orchards to desert places to tall mountains. 

Mount Hood overlooking the orchards of Hood River, Oregon

In Washington you have much the same - except maybe more farming. In fact just this morning I was pleased to see on the Bing app a picture of the Gifford Pinchot Forest in Skamania County, Washington where I lived for over a decade. I can see why they like to set movies there, but movie makers go as cheaply as possible, and that usually means Canada. So what movies and TV shows are set in Washington? Way too many to list but here are a few, usually set in a fictional Washington town:

• Twin Peaks (TV and Film): Filmed mostly in Snoqualmie, Washington.
• Twilight: Actually believe it or not this was primarily shot in Oregon mostly around Portland, although the sequels were shot in many places including Vancouver in British Columbia, Italy, Louisiana, Brazil, and I guess wherever the filmmakers thought that the place had the right "colors". WTH?
• The Tall Man: British Columbia
• Rose Red (TV): Seattle Washington and other Washington State locations.
• An Officer And A Gentleman: Bremerton, Port Townsend and Fort Worden, Washington.
• The Ring: While some of it was filmed in Seattle and Bellingham and other Washington towns, film locations included Oregon, California and Massachusetts. 
• Millenium (TV): Vancouver, British Columbia.

There are tons more, that's just a sample.

Okay now our movie - I'm just going to set it up and let you watch and get your own opinions. My opinion of the whole thing was that at first I thought meh, just another horror movie about a monster who kills kids. This is far, far different from that.

Julia, a widowed nurse, lives in the town of Cold Rock. Cold Rock was a thriving mining town until all mining was shut down - now it's just yet another sad, dying town with dirt poor residents. They have a problem however - their small children keep disappearing, without a trace. Some have come to blame it on The Tall Man, a sort of boogeyman that steals kids at night, taking them to his lair. Since the whole town sits over mining tunnels that reach everywhere (that would be scary to live in a house on) and they go on for miles, searches conducted all over find nothing. And since the place is surrounded by forest, searches are hard and still find no trace of any children, dead or alive.

Julia tries her best to help the residents but they treat her like dirt - after all, she's ONLY a nurse. Her husband was the town's doctor before he died. Besides her son, David, his nanny and an older child named Jenny (Jodelle Ferland who you may remember as Patience Buckner on The Cabin In The Woods), who is mute by choice because of her hard life, she's pretty much alone. Jenny is very talented as an artist, but that will never happen. She lives with her mother and stepfather, the bastard already having had a child with her older sister. She figures the same will happen to her when she's old enough and wishes 'The Tall Man' would take her.

One night Julia hears a loud noise downstairs. She discovers the nanny tied up and sees a dark figure taking off with her son. She gives chase, even jumping onto the truck, breaking in and fighting with the driver until the truck crashes. The dark figure grabs the child and runs away. Julia tries to catch them but she's injured and only makes it a little ways down the road, where the police find her.

And this is where the whole movie changes. Not having a local hospital (Julia is their only source of medical care) the cop takes her to the local diner, filled with people. There she is comforted and asked to tell what happened. But Julia remains silent. She does not tell them her son was kidnapped, or that her nanny is still half bound and bleeding at her house. I thought to myself this isn't right...

And that's all I'm going to say to give you a chance to watch the movie and have your own opinions because this will make you think. What really is right and wrong when it comes to the future of a child? Who is evil and who is good? This movie starts what we feel is the usual way for a horror movie and then twists upon its head, becoming instead a thinker and one way or another you are going to have a strong opinion. I did.