CAN SOMEONE JUST TAKE A RUSTY FORK AND STICK IT IN MY EYE FOR ME PLEASE? AKA I GUESS IT TAKES WAN TO KNOW WAN

Dead Silence aka Shhhh... aka Silence aka The Doll aka Mary Shaw (2007)

It is pitiful beyond belief that I started this review on the 6th of March and am only working on it now because I went to the doctor's office and whoopee! I get to live!

And then goddammit the freaking clerk, nose running faster than Carmelita Jeter, coughing harder than a 20-year veteran of a coal mine, and handing me gross items right and left (and there was hand sanitizer there that I was using plenty of, believe you me) that I gingerly had to stuff into my purse.

So in other words, now I'm going to live, but I'm going to suffer every moment of it. WHY do people insist on going to work sick? Yes, yes, I know - bills have to be paid, children fed but geez, shouldn't they at least be required to wear face masks instead of shooting their nose candy across the counter at you while you're dodging the best you can but knowing how fast and how far that stuff travels... and I'm still sick.

Hmm? Oh yeah, movie. Oh bewan my children (yes you read that right and it's my hubby's pun so read on), I mean beware on whom you put your faith when selecting what you hope will be a good movie. I WAS going to review this movie (which wasn't perfect, but pretty creepy) and pit it against the current horrorible (yeah I know, if they can make up words like 'demonologist' I can make up words too) movie Annabelle - comparing the two and showing why Dead Silence was so good and Annabelle so freaking awful.

Sorry about the quality - just to 'see' the
doll I had to screw with the picture some...

But a small voice said, "Miss Murder... you suuuuuuck... but you also need to check your facts before you review a movie." That's when I found out that both this movie AND Annabelle were directed by the same  guy - James Wan. Now I don't want to spread nasty rumors, but this guy seems to have a thing for dolls.

Now for those that don't know, there is a very tense scene where all the dolls from this movie are shown. If you've got sharp eyes (and just in case you don't, here's a pic of it for you), you'll notice that on the floor in the front is the Jigsaw doll from Saw, another of Wan's creations. So he gets this:

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! Don't ever do another doll movie, 'kay?

But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle. 

Jamie Ashen and his wife Lisa receive a mysterious ventriloquist doll, "Billy", in an unmarked package. Now the particularly retarded part of this movie is that BOTH of these people were raised in a town called Raven's Fair and knew of the legend of Mary Shaw and her dolls OF DEATH!!!


Nah, they just knew that her children were her dolls and if you see her and scream, you lose your tongue. How quaint. BUT THEY BOTH KNEW THAT and yet getting a doll was blase' to them. Jeez. So the chick goes first, we figured that since the plot is that Jamie has to go to his home town to bury her. Sigh. Apparently Jamie is rich - or at least his father is - so he goes to see him first.

But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.

It doesn't take any kind of expert to see that the dad's obviously dead. They couldn't use makeup? They do on cadavers, why did they have to leave his father looking like he should have been underground weeks ago? So we... get nauseous looking at him?


Following Jamie on his doomed trip is a detective who thinks Jamie killed his wife but needs proof so... why do I bother? The detective is played by Donnie Wahlberg. Do you know what Donnie's gonna be doing this summer (2015)?

But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.

Even with the retarded poem they repeat every ten minutes or so: "Beware the stare of Mary Shaw. She had no children, only dolls. If you see her in your dreams, make sure you never ever scream, or she'll cut your tongue out at the seam."


Oh I'm sorry, that's the poem they quote for the POSTER and the movie. The movie actually keeps repeating: "Beware the stare of Mary Shaw. She had no children, only dolls. And if you see her in your dreams, be sure you never, ever scream (For some reason, she rips out tongues. Lovely.)

So. You get an elaborate history of this crazy woman that you didn't ask for about the puppets you don't care about and why the townspeople got together and murdered her, which you didn't ask.
But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.

Her final wish was to be made into a puppet before she was buried. Ohhhh, I see, there were TWO brilliant puppet makers living in this tiny town? Really? Truly?

But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.


The mortician, when he was a boy, accidentally knocked the coffin over. Shaw's body briefly came to life and approached Henry, but he survived by covering his mouth to keep from screaming; Shaw can only kill her victims when they scream. Why? Uhhhhh.....

But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.


Oh yeah I know why, 'cause before they killed the witch and she magically became a doll herself, they ripped out her tongue. See? Simple. HEY YOU WAKE UP!!!!!

Meh.

But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.


It has two different endings, neither one of them good but, and say it with me people, this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.

Oh, and on your next doctor visit, leave a big, soggy, snot filled rag on the counter next to the receptionist. And sneeze... a LOT. Thank you.

OH, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY - APPARENTLY MISS MURDER REALLY PISSED SOMEONE OFF HIGH UP IN GOVERNMENT BECAUSE THE UNITED STATES IS TRYING TO KILL HER

Oh Sure, Reverse Everything You Told Me Yesterday

As I mentioned in my previous blog entry, I'm experiencing a life-threatening condition that needs immediate treatment <pauses for raucous laughter> but that's okay now 'cause we just got insurance (NOT Obamacare) now, right?

No problem - says the new insurance company - you just call the people you need to see, flourish your brand new laminated card at them and poof! You're cured!

WRONG.

Now this particular condition I'm dealing with is not the kind of thing you discuss with... well, anybody. That's why I typed the whole thing out - I didn't want to leave anything out and this way the doc could just read everything, ask his questions, wave his wand and then poof! I'm cured!

WRONG.

Maybe if I'd included my selfie... HEY! STOP LAUGHING!

My hubby, knowing how horrific this is for me and how in this country women aren't taken nearly as serious as men when it comes to health (he can make an appointment for me in a week as opposed to me trying and maybe getting one a month away), made the call to the right doctor and, despite having the work load of two people right now, he went through the bullshit that makes this country's care system, uh, such bullshit.

He tries to make an appointment. OH, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. They can't just see some stranger who's afraid of imminent death without previous records from her regular doctor. But the insurance people said... he can practically hear the rattling of the chick's marbles as she turns him down flat. 

He calls my regular doctor (who, if I trusted anything he said... well, let's continue) to request that the records be transferred to this new doctor. OH, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. I have to make an appointment to see MY doctor to tell HIM what's going on (which I would have done in the first place if I wanted him to know) and THEN have them transfer everything to the new doctor. Then I get to see them, right?

OH, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. Apparently, their appointments (which makes me envision all these people sitting around waiting for their turn or their deaths, whichever comes first) are at least a month out.

IF WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME WAS NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO SEE A DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY, WOULDN'T YOU THINK I'D JUST WAIT ANYWAY?

This? Means nothing - just cheers me up...

OH, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. If you have an emergency before your appointment, rush to the nearest ER and pay out the BIG bucks, especially if after tests you have to stay in the hospital to fix what you've been trying to take care of from the beginning.

That means instead of the insurance (which the hubby pays big bucks for) covering my, uh, problem, he has to pay cash out of pocket to take care of me so I don't, you know, die.

AND THAT'S THE WAY IT WORKS.

Canada's looking pretty good right now, eh?

SO... UMMM MISS MURDER? YOU ARE GETTING REVIEWS SUBMITTED HERE MORE REGULARLY AGAIN. IF YOU'RE FEELING BETTER, HOW 'BOUT DOIN' SOME MOVIES THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE - OR EVEN BETTER, SETS OF MOVIES PEOPLE MIGHT WANT TO SEE, OR SOMETHING THAT'S A CLASSIC... OR JUST TELL US IN THIRTY WORDS OR LESS IF A MOVIE IS GOOD?

Not me yet, but soon... soon...

Okay, Okay, Just Relax Guys

Unfortunately, the rise or fall of the amount of reviews I publish have little to do with how I feel. Sometimes I feel... better and don't want to sit looking at a computer screen. Other times I'm so miserable that breathing is a chore and I find that I've put two or three reviews up anyway.

Change the way I rate movies? No. I could simply say that this is MY blog and I'll do what I wanna but that's not very nice. Accurate, but not nice.


I have enjoyed other styles of reviews - remember Joe Bob Briggs? You better, 'cause he's still alive and kicking and enjoying his movies. I liked that he 'counted' things that he thought were important like, well, boobs. The best movies seemed to have an odd number of boobs in them - when he reports there were "19 boobs" you've gotta wonder - what happened to the 20th? He also reported a lot of the violence as "Foo". For example, if you have college girls fighting each other with pillows, Joe Bob would translate that as "Seven boobs and feather fu." I miss his programs - have no idea where to find 'em.

Elvira was mildly amusing. She of course was more for the, umm, male population with her sultry delivery (and how the hell does she look so good when she's got to be at least.. never mind) and sly remarks during the movie itself.

Roger and Ebert were your go-to guys if you just wanted the bare facts and then have fun watching two middle aged men fight over whether the gore was over-the-top or not sloppy enough.

And the undisputed champions of the bad horror movie review crew: MST3K. Joel (and later Mike) and his two robot buddies joked their ways through the most horrible movies ever put to celluoid. There were even non-horror movies, such as PSM's or those Information-Disguised-As-Long-Commercials they used to show us in school as kids. I could never be that good. Besides, unless you're watching the movie, saying something nasty about a line or a mistake is kind of lame.

So.

So no, I'm not doing better, just kind of determined that no matter how bad things get, I need to just keep trying to amuse and entertain people with my take on horrible (and, believe it or not, sometimes good) horror movies. And as I've said before, I'm staying with horror movies because my twisted sense of humor enjoys the fake screams and bad special effects.

So.

What do I watch myself? Well, despite my physical looks (which no one will ever see if I can possibly help it) I don't eat a whole lot. When you feel despondent and horrible, eating isn't a priority. In fact, the last doctor I saw said if I don't eat at least four times a day, it would only get worse. Funny, but she didn't specify what 'it' was. Was 'it' my weight? My mood? My health? Meh.

So.

And why is it that doctors are so freaking blind and deaf to their patients? Okay, that doesn't apply to all, but way too many of them work their offices like a cattle run - push one in, spend five minutes, push it out while their nurse pushes the second one in...

So.

And why, when you suffer from a condition where you very rarely even can leave the house, take care of yourself, etc., the terribly clever idea of their is inevitably to do something impossible? Can't leave your home and driving is hard - even for small distances? Well, you should join a gym or a swimming pool and take exercise classes. 

Can't even get out of the house long enough to go to the store and get the food you're not eating? Eat four times a day. Trying to do something extremely simple such as washing dishes, clothes, or your bathroom makes your back and legs hurt so badly it sends you to bed for at least a day? Go out and walk a mile each day and you'll feel better. Really?

So.

Close your eyes. Open them. See how stupid that was? How could you open your eyes when you were told to close them? How did you know when to open them again? That's kind of what dealing with so-called health professionals is like.

So.


Since I don't eat much, junk food or otherwise, I have movie junk food. Those are the movies I put on like others will turn on the TV or play their CD's. While they play I either veg with a game or try to write a column. What do I watch and why? Yes, I know you really didn't ask but hey, closing this page is super easy so you don't have to read if you don't wanna.

So.

The Legend Of Hell House (1973): The movie is based on a story by Richard Matheson (who we lost last year, sadly) about four people investigating the 'Mt. Everest of haunted houses', the Belasco house. It brings up the theory of EMR, electromagnetic radiation. This is what was considered to trap residue 'energy' from people who inhabit houses.

If the people were particularly nasty, there'd be a lot of it, causing 'phenomenon'. It was thought that reversing the polarity would dissipate whatever EMR was causing Poltergeist-like activity. Today they say electromagnetic frequencies (EMF) - it's a tool used by electricians but supposedly it also detects whether there is a plethora of ghostly nasties about. It was an interesting idea and I probably play it three or four times a week.

John Dies At The End (2012): This plays at least twice a week. It made me an instant fan of David Wong, Rob Mayes, and a book that is about 1,000% more complicated than the movie but still a freaking good read (and don't forget the sequel). I still use them as my cover picture and I know I've got to put something original up there that more accurately represents this column, but meh.

The Haunting Of Whaley House (2012): Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. So why watch it? Well, I've gotten some of my best lines from the dumbest of movies, and this is a prize example. Someone wrote as a review that this was so "well researched". Pfffft... see, there IS a Whaley House in San Diego, California that is considered to be haunted and several of the family members, a convict who was hanged there, and a little girl with unknown ties to the family are said to have haunted the place but that's where the 'true' part ends. 

In real life the family was very good to the people of San Diego - they even allowed businesses, plays, movies, and other activities to take place in the house. They were generous and did not deserve this movie treatment. In the movie the family is evil, although the kid's 'psychic' keeps assuring them 'No, no, they're just desperate.' Umm what? It's one of those types of movies so ridiculously stupid that you can't help chuckling at it. I watch it a couple times a month.

Shaun Of The Dead (2004): Beautifully done, clever as hell (especially all the zombie movie references), and funny. 'Nuff said. I watch it once or twice a month.

Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn (1987): I watch this one more than the original for one reason only - it's on Netflix and I don't have to go through my DVD's to find it. No matter how many times I watch it (saying the lines with the characters, a habit that drives my hubby nuts) I find a new little nugget, and if Bruce Campbell actually doing a flip without help isn't impressive enough, you're not paying close enough attention. I watch this I think around twice a week. In fact, it's on this very minute.

Bad Kids Go To Hell (2012): This is a new fave, because it's just a little smarter than the average teen slasher flick, it's still really, really dumb, but it has several pretty good lines in it that I've put in my horror movie archive that I keep for other films later. I'd say I watch this one maybe two or three times a week.

Well, there's a ton of others on my junk movie list, but it's time for me to eat - that Miso soup isn't going to stew for a whole 60 seconds by itself... oh, wait...

WHERE CAN I FIND ME ONE OF THEM FANCY SCHMANCY SWORDS? I GOT ME SOME WEEDS THAT NEED CUTTIN'...




Kill Bill 1 and 2 (2003, 2004)

I'm in a particularly foul mood today, so finishing this review that I started a week ago (or something like that) is perfectly masochistic of me. At least Bill would have thought so.

To those not in the know, I am ill. It is permanent and thanks to the US and its brilliant health care system, I am without insurance. I'm not looking for sympathy - the responses are always either 'Some children will never get to the age of...' or 'You think you've got it so bad but I...'. You can't win those. Ever. If I had the stamina, I'd design a family game (for four players or more so your friends can join in). 

The Game Of 'Life Sucks'...

The rules: A normal looking game board and pieces. You roll the dice to go forward and land on a symptom. You draw a card to get a disease. You then have 30 seconds to pantomime to your family (and/or friends) what you are suffering from. If before that time ends one guesses and says the words "I have/had that! Mine was worse!" they win. You feel worse but all the other players feel a little better. It's not fair, but it's life. 

I saw the one doc I have left for my once a year say-it-as-fast-as-possible-because-apparently-they-all-charge-by-the-minute-now appointment. I was ready. I listed everything in under 5 minutes, including the infection in my arm. What did I get for my money? A letter - which listed everything I said and followed everything with man answers. Sorry fellas, but they were MAN ANSWERS.

• You cut down on sweets and fat but still gained weight? Try to lose weight better.
• You have an infection in your arm that is under control? See a doctor if it gets out of control. (Who was he again?)
• You have an appointment to see your psych? Go see your psych.
• You have an appointment this year at the county health clinic? Go to the health clinic.
• You need a cholesterol check for the year? Go get your cholesterol checked.

You can imagine my reaction. I don't care if you're female or male - this would piss you off, wouldn't it? Oh and no, I don't have a psych anymore. She's THERE, but she's not mine. Once a year with the hubby we see her for 15 minutes in order for me to get my meds. What exactly can I tell her in that time that will be clear enough for her to diagnose.... pfft, never mind.

If there was ONE thing I carried away from this past week, it's that my time is shorter than I thought and the projects I wanted to do better be started now. Screw freaking Facebook and its constant errors, changes, 'free' games that are never free (or that just plain crash if you try to block all their ads), and so-called 'friends' that never talk to me anyway. And the news articles that "trend" - pffffft!

This is a real person - at least what guts she
has left are hers. Her name is Valeria Lukyanova
and she has had <ahem> several surgeries in
her attempt to become a human Barbie 
Doll. Is this really what you guys want???...

You wanna know what one was this week? "Gorgeous Celebrities With Ugly Mates". I was already pissed so I thought meh, might as well see... oh hell no! These 'ugly' people were gorgeous! Maybe not beauty magazine cover material, but they looked wonderful! In one example, a handsome male movie star was credited for sticking with his wife "despite her ever-expanding waistline." Things went red and I don't remember much after that...

I've always wanted to start a comic strip - my drawing skills are... meh. But that's what computers are for, right? And there's that novel I've had going for...

Hmm? Oh, the MOVIE. I was going to use my notes to try to condense over four hours of movie down to a shortened review, not a blow-by-blow review so to speak. However, looking through them, I had roughly over an hour and a half of blathering, which doesn't make for a very short review of anything. So, going in completely blind, we start.

First, I thought having the damned thing cut into two movies was stupid - it just encouraged Twilight and Harry Potter to cash in on the 'gee we can't fit this story in one movie like everybody else' method. But that wasn't his intention nor his fault. 

Quentin Tarantino, being a big fan of Chanbara movies, martial arts, spaghetti westerns, and other movies of that type brought forth a hell of a story with a lot of swordplay as well as plain good ole' ultra violence - starring Uma Thurman. Umm, okay. He included some funny aspects in those movies as well as serious, put it together, and presented it to the Cannes Film Festival.


It got a lot of good reviews, but for it to show in America, they told him he'd have to screw it up. Okay, not screw it up, but... and they gave him a list. Damn. He was proud of his creation but to get it to theaters he chopped here, changed there, adjusted this, and that's why we have two movies.

Aspects that didn't seem to make sense now do and others that I thought were trying to be artistic weren't. The ending of the first one had to be adjusted to BE an ending, which meant there had to be an extra scene plus another extra scene to be a beginning to the second (Uma's overacting as she narrates the story thus far)...

These two movies I imagine must have frustrated more than a few moviegoers in that the storyline wasn't linear - it went back and forth, with title cards to let you know where you are in the story. I was impressed with Uma's performance, as The Bride she's in most scenes in both of the movies. That does not mean that she is alone however - besides the main characters, there must be dozens of good actors and actresses that have bit parts in both parts one and two.

The basic synopsis of Kill Bill is that there is this assassination team who do... something which they do not really explain, and one of their members, code named Black Mamba, has taken off to have a life of her own. Well that's no good for the rest of the group. They track her down, beat the ever-loving holy hell out of her, and then shoot her in the head, despite the fact she is obviously pregnant. This starts our movie.


Four years pass. The woman, known only as The Bride, wakes up for what ever reason and starts doing physically impossible things. That was my problem with these two movies, although there were some very cool aspects. It seemed the movie went from good, to no - that's not right, back to good, to excellent, to no - that's impossible, to that's just plain awful. If that sounds a little schizo, that's because this movie was schizo.

After four years in a vegetative state, she sits up gasping like everybody does who has bad dreams in movies. Uh, no. There's a little thing called orthostatic syncope (a fancy way of saying you pass out when you change position). I know of someone who was in bed not near that long and the nurses sat him up too quickly - and he promptly fainted. 

Four years? And she has stomach muscles capable of pulling her up? Nope. The following half hour or so is a major NOPE. No, she couldn't fight someone off of her, no she couldn't get out of bed, no she couldn't wheel herself out of the hospital... stuff like that was the massive duh part. Yeah, yeah I know - it's a fantasy movie but hey, it's what I do. I bitch. And I'm telling you it would take her a year or more just to walk around, much less...

And so her self-described 'rampage of revenge' begins. All of the remaining members of the 'team' have scattered and all live new lives doing something else. (Raises hand) Umm, excuse me, why was it okay for them to all go off and have new lives but they were so wildly vindictive when The Bride wanted to do it, to the point of (they thought) murdering her? (Lowers hand) You know, if I don't shut up, this WILL be the length of two movies.

Bud (brother of Bill) is now a bouncer somewhere in Arizona.

Vernita is in Pasadena, the wife of a doctor and mother of a school-age girl.

Elle... they don't really say what Elle does, but she gets a cool Firebird.

O-Ren is in Japan, busy being the head of the Yakuza.

There is a very cool (and bloody) anime sequence in the first one to explain the backstory of one of the characters - that was wicked and wonderful at the same time. Again, because of the censors he had to edit it - which is a damned shame. I mean c'mon, it's animation for crying out loud!

Which reminds me, if you plan to see these movies, I warn you, this is an homage to other film genres. However, being a Tarantino film, it also takes all the violence over the top. In fact, it was because of this that the censors required that part of the fight scene at the end of the first movie be put in black and white (blood looks better black than bright red I guess). 

I have no idea why black-and-white would be less offensive to people, I thought he was doing it to be artistic not to satisfy censors. So I'm kind of disappointed, but it still was the best kick-ass fight scene that has been in a movie for a very long time and I haven't seen much better since. And notice the suit and shoes The Bride wears during this fight? Pure Bruce Lee - except he didn't have a stunt double.

In fact I wanted the hubby to see it, although spaghetti westerns are more his thing - he didn't really like it. So I pointed out some of the reasons I did - even though there were excellent, good, poor, and just plain stupid moments in it. One major one I couldn't get over? Where did she get all the freaking money to afford all the stuff she had during this movie?

You really have to pay attention to find fault with the fight scene - but some are obvious. The physical impossibilities such as people flying through the air to sword fight, the fact that Uma is fighting about a thousand Yakuza yet they are adhering to the movie rules - circle the victim, then attack one at a time, and at times it is clearly NOT Uma in the yellow suit. 

There were the limbs being cut off, and the remaining bodies acting like fire hoses, the cool sequence done in blue lighting so you saw only silhouettes fighting, the silly sound effects (every time somebody whipped up their sword or moved their arms it sounded like a Michael Jackson video), and the 'bowling pins' sound of one sorry man hitting a table (it's there, really!).

GO HOME TO YOUR MOTHER!

And, of course, the end of the fight. After everyone is vanquished, The Bride (Uma) declares that those still alive could leave but their severed limbs now belonged to her. She's confronted by a boy who looked anywhere from 14 to 16 and gives him a proper sendoff... (see spanking above). Actually, I really liked that part.

And, because the movie was split in two, we have an ending where Bill learns she is after him. And her baby is alive. So begins movie number two. The Bride spends a couple of minutes describing the first movie, then tells the movie she has one left - Bill. We know there's some we haven't seen yet, so we wait for the title cards to tell us where we are and who's about to die.

Fresh and clean...

Aaaaaand this second installment has serious problems. It has several places where the movie just... stops. We get backstory we don't need or want, conversations that don't make a whole lot of sense, and too much gap between conflicts. But I learned something important though - if somebody throws a can of tobacco spit in your face, a nice swirly in a toilet will clean every bit of it off. Really.

But wait! We now get to know what The Bride's name is. Before if it was mentioned, it was actually bleeped out. No kidding. That's a hint by the way. And when they finally say it, there's this... scene of her (as an adult) attending grade school and answering her name when teacher takes attendance. Ha.

She catches up with Bill (after a few more movie-stopping puzzling moments that mean absolutely nothing to the story) halfway into the movie. This is a two hour movie. That's one hour left of the movie dedicated to her killing Bill without traumatizing her (now) 4 year old daughter, B.B.

Bill asks Beatrix Kiddo (c'mon, really?) if she can really kill him in front of their daughter. Sigh. Here comes some more backstory...


When Beatrix was Black Mamba, her last assassination assignment was fraught with problems - she was sick, she was vomiting, she... uh oh. After checking the infamous pee stick in her hotel room, here comes another assassin (female of course or else this, uh, scenario probably wouldn't have worked - pffft) who blasts into the room, ready to kill Kiddo... until she tells the woman that she just now, this second, found out she was pregnant. The stick and box was where she dropped it - right by the assassin's feet.

If you were a highly trained assassin... why am I asking you?

The woman gets the stick (eww) and the box. She takes a moment, not knowing how these things work (c'mon, really?) so Kiddo explains it to her. The woman asks 'What now?' and Kiddo says 'We both just go home.' And she does.

If you were a highly trained assassin... why am I asking you?

THAT'S when she moved to Texas, started a job, found a guy willing to marry her, and got him and about a dozen other strangers blown away in a hail of bullets. And her into a long coma. She was Bill's favorite and he was jealous. I'm... not touching that one.

Part one was more popular with men. Part two was more popular with women. I'm ashamed of the whole female gender for that one. Movie makers probably had the whole Twilight series mapped out and written when they found that shit out.

Does Beatrix Kiddo (pfffft) kill Bill? In four hours? And how does she do it - gun? Katana? Hand to hand combat? Or does she play it smart, make him keep the brat and take off for the Bahamas... kidding on the last one, sheesh.

For the answers to those and other burning questions...

Both are currently streaming on Netflix if you want to see why Quentin raked in roughly $334 million in the theaters and who knows how much in DVD sales...