Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.
Showing posts with label Handheld Camera Footage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Handheld Camera Footage. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

WHY THE FREAKING HELL DID THEY EVEN BOTHER MAKING THIS MOVIE AND IN WHAT WORLD DID THEY THINK THIS COULD HAPPEN IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM... OH WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S THE OTHER FOUND FOOTAGE MOVIE NAMED EVIDENCE THAT WAS MADE ABOUT THE SAME TIME... NO, NO IT'S NOT... YES IT IS YOU IDIOT, CAN'T YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE... NO IT IS NOT, THIS ONE HAS RADHA MITCHELL... OH, WELL OKAY THEN...




Evidence (2013)

That's right terrible movie fans - TWO found footage movies named 'Evidence' were made pretty damned close together and both sucked. THIS one had Radha Mitchell in it, a strong character actress that I usually like very much in everything she does. Unfortunately, in this movie, she does nothing but hold her boobs together to make sure she has cleavage showing. I'm not kidding. Look at the movie poster. That's pretty much her pose through much of this movie.


The 'found footage' aspect revolves around the ridiculous story of a massacre at some decrepit auto body shop in the middle of the desert in Nevada. At the beginning of the movies there's a really cool shot that has the whole scene frozen in 3D (no it's not really but it looked cool) as cops, SWAT, whatever, bagged burned up body parts and other detritus. 


...and one person must have their
hands to their face in horror at all
times... take turns, it's only fair...
It's Detective Burquez' (Really? We're going to call her that? Whatever...) job (played with one expression by Radha) to examine the footage from the victim's cameras that somehow was left behind and still watchable (DOESN'T THAT TELL YOU THE WHOLE STORY RIGHT THERE YOU IDIOTS? IT'S PRETTY BAD WHEN MY HORROR MOVIE WORKSHEET PATENT PENDING IS FILLED OUT BEFORE THE CREDITS FINISH UP) to determine what killed...


...that's right, play nice - it's your turn...
We have a dysfunctional couple (natch), the girl's BFF (natch again), a young kid going to Vegas to be a magician's apprentice (Wait, that's a thing?), a Russian ballet dancer (Say that again?), a paranoid woman clutching a bag (Uh huh), and the driver. That's it. Oh wait, no it's not - the driver has to pick up one more passenger in this out of way place clear out in the desert, uh, uh oh..... wait a second, I can't hold this in...

DDDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


"Okay, this time it's aliens, I swear!"
I'm so sorry about that. Anywho, Radha has help - the "emotionally damaged detective" who's supposed to be on leave but insists on helping. Oh yeah, and the video "expert". I  have a serious question. No, really - it's deadly serious. Why? Why did they? Why did they have? Why did they have a video expert? Why did they have a video expert to manipulate the film so they could watch it when he clearly had to take all his direction from the EDD (emotionally damaged detective played by Stephen Moyer) because for some reason he's an expert but knows nothing about what he's doing? Sigh.


Well, at least we know she probably didn't do it...
So these three sit in a room watching this damaged footage and Radha's job seems to be to jump to a conclusion at regular intervals during the movie and run out and give a press conference. No, really - that's about it.


Wow, his gum's still wet!
I'm doing this review in an angry mood and that's not good, but I dare you to try to watch this movie in a good mood. It can't be done. It's so contrived, obvious AND impossible you wonder why they wasted the film. AND you wonder if you should have watched the OTHER 'Evidence' movie instead. No. No you shouldn't have. You should have taken your kids out for ice cream and screw the movies.


This is known as a 'Psycho Selfie'...
Okay let's recap briefly. A girl dreams of the ultimate film role. Together with the boyfriend she has just publicly humiliated by refusing his marriage proposal, her BFF, a young Asian kid, a Russian ballet dancer, and the unknown psycho woman and oblivious bus driver, all are on their way to Vegas - after they pick up one more passenger. But they've been on this dirt road for two hours now... uh oh, here it comes again...

DDDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I am SO sorry about that. The young man offers to show his skills to the rest and does a move I recognized instantly. Now I don't watch talent shows. I missed the rise of Pentatonix as a terrific a capella group, and a certain young man (who turned out to be almost 40) who won a contest for this performance, which I'm including because it is the only entertaining thing about this review and I'm so, so sorry about that:




See the neck drop? That's what the kid did in the movie. Now this fellow, Kenichi Ebina does teach classes so I'm not accusing the kid of copying anybody - it was one of the few interesting parts of the movie (even if it lasted only three seconds).

Okay, everybody's at the abandoned whatever and there's a psycho in a welder's helmet, apron, and the looooongest acetylene torch hose I've seen in my life. This psycho took that torch EVERYWHERE. Most of the rest of the movie is watching this very bad hand held horror movie unfold (with constant interruptions of the bad film plus the EDD barking orders at the 'expert').

Suddenly they find that some of the footage that only they are supposed to have has been leaked onto YouTube. Uh huh. Now their game changes - it's a race against time before.... <YAWWWN> the rest of the footage appears to the public when they don't know who did the crime...

If I told you who that was, you'd shrug and say, "So?" And I wouldn't blame you. And I very much doubt YouTube would allow a snuff film on their site. Animal abuse, sure. Underage girls being abused, maybe. Shokushu Goukan (looking this up is not advised) possibly, at least for a short period of time. But snuff films? Especially for a crime currently being investigated by police? Pfffft.



Wednesday, April 16, 2014

OH FREAKING HELL! THIS MOVIE JUST KEEPS GOING AND GOING AND GOING...




Devil's Due (2014)


Well, as usual, I feel horrible. The weather has been very unstable - it's been one day hot, one day cold, one day hot, then cold, cold, cold, I usually can only take my painkillers and go straight to bed. But I decided to man up (even though I am a woman) and do what I thought I wanted to do. Part of this great and wonderful disease is that in the mornings, my mind is massively mush while I have some physical energy, and at night I am just freaking exhausted but my mind is racing a hundred miles an hour, with all those witty things I wanted to write that morning.


No symbol here...
Miss Mayhem wanted to do a column of her own, but I thought she should get used to the idea of trying to find humor in horror first. She asked me what movie she should watch. I handed her my copy of Zombie Ass: The Toilet Of The Dead (no joke, that's a real movie - I reviewed it Tuesday, July 9, 2013). She took one look at the cover - her face went white. Then she flipped it over. I swear I saw her age at least 5 years right in front of me. 

So, for now, I have sent Miss Mayhem into safer waters, and she presently is working her way through the MST3K catalog. I figured that would be a great way to get her used to bad horror as well as the concept of being able to make fun of it at the same time. I hope it works, but I realize not everyone has my twisted sense of humor.

Closer but no cigar...
Can you tell that I'm really trying to put off doing this review? I am. When I first saw the previews for this movie in 2013, I remember saying to myself 'Goddammit they've made another Rosemary's Baby'. I hated Rosemary's Baby. Yeah yeah, it was shot beautifully, it was a classic. It was William Castle's last film, and directed by a pedophile (who then fled the Country), but that's okay because he's famous, right? But it was so incredibly boring! And it was long. Very, very long. Maybe when it was made it was considered a very classy as well as creepy horror movie, considering you had diminutive little Mia Farrow as the tragic damsel in distress, but I was just bored to tears. THIS film was actually made by 20th Century Fox - WTH?

So.


This is what they use... whatever the hell it's supposed to be...
I actually looked at other reviews 'cause I thought I was being too harsh on this movie's, uh, contradictions? I mean this is about a Catholic couple, who have to be true to the church and yet they slept together before being married, they use birth control, they rarely step foot in the church - and so it is said by some that this is a prejudiced film against Catholics. Well, where there are movies about possession or devils or antichrists, there are Catholics. This is a Hollywood thing, not a me thing, so if some of this offends, well, it's just like every other movie and has nothing to do with my personal opinions. Just keep that in mind, 'kay?

First a scripture out of the Bible about antichrists is shown on screen that, of course, is misapplied. A perfect start. The circle with two lines is something I could NOT find anywhere - and I looked at a ton of different demonic and antichrist symbols - which was NOT a thrill. Not. Even. Close.




We start with a bloody man in a police station. He is apparently going to narrate this turkey. Oh goody. And here's his story (and get ready for a massive headache 'cause this is 'Rosemary's Baby' on a handheld camera): Zach and Samantha are a day from being married. Everything will be on a handheld camera 'cause Zach wants to start a 'family history'. Samantha likes this idea, since she has no family. She says her childhood is 'a blank'. Apparently she lost everyone in a car crash and yet-to-be-born Samantha was cut out of her mother. THAT is a VERY OBVIOUS CLUE by the way, keep it in mind. So they get married.



They go to what is described as the Dominican Republic for their honeymoon. I guess saying they went to the Caribbean is out of style or something. Either that or no one Country wanted to be named in this film for which I can't really blame them. Anywho, these two idiots, because of course to get this stupid script to work they have to be idiots, get stinking drunk in a city during a celebration of some sort. 




Then in the natural course of stupidity, the new wife wants to see a psychic (which Catholics are not supposed to do). The woman grabs her arm, telling her she's born 'from death' and they're waiting for her. She won't let go. After finally pulling away from her, they quickly leave.

They decide to go back to their hotel room. A cab drives up to them, and the man inside offers them a ride. Now – when you're in a strange country, cabs aren't necessarily cabs. I've never been out of the States, but even I know that. But these two idiots get right in as the cab driver promises to take them to a great party.




This stupid prank in New York was the
only good part of the movie - and it wasn't in the movie...
After winding through dark dirty streets they get to an even darker, dirtier building. And these two stupid people go inside and yes, there is a party. They do shots and get even drunker - and apparently drugged. And their handheld camera does NOT have night vision so not only is it wobbly, but it's so dark you can't see the DUH in the room at all. That means you get blurry, shaky shots of these two idiots and also that means we are going to see stuff recorded to tapes that they're not even going to bother to look at until the plot tells them to.

Sure enough, things get weird. The camera picks up distorted images, cuts out, and we get a brief and confusing look at some kind of ritual. You know, we get the chanting, the torches, flashes of bright lights, Samantha is probably getting raped (we don't get to really see that - so calm down) and nothing that makes any sense. The next scene is of our two stupid people waking up in their hotel room, having no idea of how they got there. Do they look at their camera? No. MASSIVE DUH ALERT...




They go home and we skip ahead a few weeks when they discover that Samantha is pregnant. Massive duh again. Yup, we're knee-deep in Rosemary's Baby. Samantha is a bit upset about this, she is nowhere near ready to have a child. This is one of those 'but we used contraceptives religiously' type of pregnancies. If because they're Catholic you're getting mad at me, look at the paragraph above - or maybe just skip the movie and/or review all together. Now if you look at the wiki, which I do to keep my facts straight, comparing them to my notes, the wiki says she's overjoyed. My notes say that she was pissed off.

But she plays happy mommy for a while, even though strange physical things are happening to her. She's having nosebleeds, weird bruising, and other physical symptoms that aren't usual with pregnancy. And she wants to eat meat. Yes, our two idiots are vegetarian. In fact, we get a very prolonged, very unnecessarily slow scene of Samantha in a grocery store in the meat aisle looking at different packages. We see this through the stores security camera since everything is handheld or security or CCTV. Which brings up another massive duh moment. This movie is comprised of footage from many cameras in several different places - who put them all together?



She moves very, very slowly. She picks up a package, very, very slowly. She opens the package, very, very slowly. She finally start eating the raw meat. By this time I was practically biting off my fingernails. Not because I was frightened or grossed out, but because more than anything I just wanted this moment to end.

Even though Zach's wife is acting very strangely ever since the honeymoon, he still doesn't bother to look through the footage. Wouldn't you want to look at your honeymoon footage when you got home? Of course you would. You're smart. Finally both notice that they see strange people that are appearing to be watching them from across the street, public places, etc. 

One of those people appears to be none other than the cab driver who took them to that interesting little party in the first place. When it becomes evident that Sam is uncomfortable with having the child and may hurt it (again, if offended... well, you know), someone places tiny hidden cameras in the idiot's home to make sure the two take care of their bundle of hell... uh, I mean joy.

The movie finally picks up a little when Samantha is in her eighth month. Now her baby has been growing large and the first doctor she had has been replaced by a strange doctor who tells her that she cannot see her regular doctor anymore (what did they do, look through Rosemary's Baby's script and just pull out what they wanted to use?). These two idiots have a nice location where they are, complete with a small wooded area where a family of deer live. They made sure we knew that at the beginning of the movie. Why?



Three kids are out wandering through the trails in that wooded area with, say it with me - saaaaaaaaaay itttttttt - a hand held camera. They come upon the gutted carcass of a deer. Being kids, they decide to poke at it and do the disgusting things that kids do. Then they hear a noise. Turning around, they see a woman bent over another deer. Thinking she is trying to help it, they approach her. Of course, we know what's going on and were praying that they just get on with it. It is Samantha, covered in the deer's blood, eating its guts.

The kids (two guys, one girl) attempt to run, and we get our only interesting effects of the whole movie. One (the girl) is thrown high into the air, one is dragged through the brush and the last manages to make it to his car, only to be thrown high above it, and come crashing down through the windshield. This effect was lessened by the fact that you see nothing but his camera POV and when he smashes onto his car, we only see a hand come through the broken windshield.



The two idiots attend holy Communion. While watching the priest, the priest sees Samantha and starts to violently cough up blood, sending people screaming into the streets. Our massively duh father-to-be finally gets the idea that maybe he should be looking at his camera footage for some clues as to what the hell is going on. Then he sees that, yes, the same man who drove them to that strange party has been following them around, even to the church. He then looks further and finds what happened to them during their honeymoon. And he notices a symbol.

The symbol appears all through the movie. And no, it's not an upside down cross. In fact, looking up this particular symbol I couldn't find it anywhere and I found a lot more than I ever wanted to see. It's some sort of voodoo schmoodoo symbol that he sketches and takes to the priest in the hospital. What there's only one priest in this whole freaking city? This one priest's got to be the guy Zach bothers - the person whom his wife made violently ill? Massive duh. That's when he finds that, of course, the symbol is related to the antichrist (at least according to this movie). It can't just be about a little monster – hell, at this point I'd accept Milo, the nasty little intestinal monster. But no.



Now for some reason, I guess just for something for Zach to do, he sees a couple of these people on his street and reasons that they're probably hiding out in an abandoned house. He breaks in, because that's what law-abiding people do, right? Inside of course he finds all of the close captioned video of his house and his wife, and he realizes that they are in deep shit. The people come for him, he escapes, and runs back to his wife.

Too late. After a pack-all-the-action-into-four-minutes type of tantrum where she psychically destroys the house, she throws her husband against the wall. Okay, this whole movie is from placed or held cameras. So how did they get the view from her on the floor to him on the wall - and vice versa? It keeps going back and forth and... there's no freaking way since neither is carrying a camera.



His wife now lays on the floor with a silver knife she received anonymously at her shower. She cuts herself open and there's a blinding flash of light. Now let me define what just happened for you who don't watch horror movies very often. This is the big scene, the payoff, just like in Rosemary's Baby. Now, quick quiz my lovelies: Did anyone ever see the actual baby after it was born in that movie? No, of course they didn't. That would have cost way too much money.

So, since this is basically following the pattern of Rosemary's Baby with a little bit of Paranormal Activity/Blair Witch/Every Freaking Handheld Camera Movie There Is, they don't want to reveal anything here either. They've already spent their budget, haven't they? They don't have anything left to show a big special effect of what an antichrist might look like. We just see Samantha die.

The 'doctor' and the cab driver come and take the baby that we didn't get to see. The police show up immediately afterward and Zach is arrested. While he finishes his story we get our last scene of another young couple, on their honeymoon in Paris, where the same cab driver from the beginning of the movie offers them a lift.

Apparently they're collecting all these babies for.... I don't know..... Antichrists On Ice?




Sunday, April 6, 2014

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY DUH REGARDLESS OF RACE, COLOR OR NATIONALITY


Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)

A major bed malfunction (see next entry) means I haven't had time to get my stuff together enough to get it up here despite having great dictating software now. I don't mind editing it for misspellings and punctuation either - it kind of soothes the Grammar Nazi in me.

I have a duel for worst movie seen this year so far between two very duh movies coming up that I will be reviewing with Miss Mayhem (her knees are shaking but she wants to try, so be nice), but I was being lazy yesterday (4/5) afternoon, so I picked this one out of all the bad movies I have a list of because I figured I could just watch it and not even bother to review it.

When this movie came out, the previews stated that this was a Paranormal Activity movie for Hispanics. I thought that was a pretty racist statement. Nevertheless, I decided to give it a look. You know what? We got ripped off. No, seriously, we all get the short end of the stick on this one. I've sat through PA 1 through 1,000 and they were so incredibly boring with their endless camera pan views through rooms of houses, just to have a brief flurry of activity within the last 10 minutes.

This particular movie not only had a story, it had action, interesting ideas, and a lot better special effects. What the hell? Did these people just make a halfway decent movie, get frustrated because they couldn't find a market for it, and so lumped in with all the other Paranormal Activity movies just to get an audience?

To add insult to injury, they do not consider this movie to be part of the Paranormal Activity series. They call this film a spin-off of the Paranormal Activity movies. What a crock! This used some of the same elements as the other PA movies, such as the basic premise of a coven gathering children, particularly firstborn sons, even though none of the movies have really explained what the hell they are collecting them for, and what the hell they're doing with them.

So. We start with a high school graduation in 2012. We see the class valedictorian Oscar give a speech, and we see a boy named Jesse being congratulated by his family on his graduation day. As it is a prerequisite for any of these handheld camera movies, Jesse is given a video camera for his graduation present.

Jesse, as is a tradition with many cultures, lives in a multi-generation household. His mother died giving birth to him, so he lives in an apartment with his father and his grandmother. Directly below him lives a strange woman named Anna. The whole neighborhood makes fun of her because she is so strange, having visitors at all hours, and keeping her windows covered in newspapers. Through the vent system. Jesse can hear moans, screams, and other things going on which he assumes to be something of a sexual nature.



One day he notices valedictorian Oscar visit Anna. Shortly after, Anna is found murdered and the police have no idea who did it. Pretty much the whole neighborhood saw Oscar leave her apartment and so know that he is most likely the culprit, yet not one of them is willing to speak to the police. Curious because I guess he has nothing better to do, Jesse breaks into Anna's apartment to take a look around. 




Together with his friend Hector, they look around her apartment and discover very strange items. Among those items are things obviously used in black magic rituals, as well as pictures of Jessie himself, one current, one as a child, and even a picture of his mother when she was pregnant with him. Understandably, this freaks them out. But they still keep looking. They open up a closet and find a ton of videotapes. Now if you have watched any of the PA movies, you're probably groaning about now because you know exactly what's going to happen.

In previous movies, in case you haven't wasted your time watching these, you know that on these tapes are pieces of the previous movies because this is just one big puzzle, or at least the filmmakers want you to think so. But fortunately, that is let alone. They find a journal. It seems to be filled with weird and mystical things, so they steal it because the duh stuff cannot happen until they start messing around with the supernatural.



Jesse has a girlfriend who helps him and Hector understand some of what is in the spell book. And of course, then they decide to mess around with it. His girlfriend spray paints the mirror black for some reason – she claims it's because it creates a portal from one world to the next – and the three of them sit around this mirror, chant some weird shit, but nothing happens.



If I went through this movie blow-by-blow would be way too long. So let me try to sum things up as they happen. Jesse finds a bite on his arm for no good reason. He finds Oscar hiding in Anna's apartment - there's a convenient trap door that Oscar pops up and comes out. By now his eyes are two black marks (very easy CGI work, not very impressive), and he grabs Jesse telling him that both are marked and Jesse must kill himself before he hurts someone. Oscar runs off, Jesse chases him, Oscar disappears. As Jesse tries to get help, Oscar apparently has jumped off of the roof of a church onto a car and is now dead.

Jesse suddenly gets weird. Actually, since he's a teenage boy, that's kind of hard to tell. Throughout the movie, unfortunately, there are some things that are very stereotypical and not very enlightened. One of those things is, that in Spanish neighborhoods, it is very dangerous to walk about in because of all the street gangs. I don't think they're any more dangerous than any other neighborhood. Jesse meets up with one of those gangs while with Hector. They want his backpack for whatever reason. Why they don't go after the camera – well, how else are they gonna shoot the rest of the movie?

When two of the tough guys attack Jesse, pummeling him while he's on the ground, all of a sudden one flies into a vending machine that sitting out in the middle of nowhere for some reason, and the other practically goes a block as he flies through the air. Hector asks Jesse what he did and Jesse says he barely touched them. This is the beginning of the 'gee isn't possession fun' part where they show that messing with the supernatural is harmless, and can be beneficial. I'm being sarcastic of course.



At least they didn't have one of those stupid Ouija board scenes where they play with it and then tell each other to stop playing with it after they told each other they have to play with it. No, for this one we get a Simon Says game. When they ask it questions, it will flash green for yes, and red for no. I am not kidding. Jesse continues to show supernatural abilities such as being able to do the 'Smooth Criminal' move better than Michael Jackson and his wires, and blowing up air mattresses with one breath.



As I said, this movie is dissed by it's being referred to as a spin-off rather than as part of the series. Especially since they incorporate this movie into the others. In one scene, Jesse suddenly runs into the black-eyed versions of Katie and Kristi, who of course were abducted in a previous PA movie. Suddenly Jesse sees something extremely scary, but before he can get away it attacks him, knocks him down, and completely possesses them.

At this point, Jesse is becoming violent and mean, because of course I guess one goes with the other, and Oscar tries to find help by contacting a woman named Ali. For some reason, she's the big time expert on demons. And this is getting a lot longer than I planned. So skip ahead, skip ahead - despite Oscar trying to help Jesse, Jesse is kidnapped anyway, by this supposed coven that's been the theme running through all of the PA movies. 

Here they called them 'The Midwives'. Why? I have no freaking idea. The two end up at the house seen in the last PA movie when the grandmother of two girls (already seen earlier) and a boy held her supposed coven meetings. The house is now empty, but just in case, Hector gets help from two more friends. Although they bring a 9mm gun plus a semi-automatic shotgun, they are no match for the women who suddenly come at them in droves.



Despite killing several of them, the coven gets the better of them, and it comes down to Hector all by himself. Jesse, now fully possessed, comes after his former best friend. Hector finds himself in a closet and sees markings of the covens triangular symbol that we have seen through all of these PA movies. Jesse manages to smash his way with his fist into the door and Hector runs. Running away through a doorway, Hector now finds himself in a completely different house. 

This is the house of the two little girls that he is already seen, whose parents have apparently also been taken by demons. Although when we saw the movie they were appeared to have been murdered. I'm getting a bit fuzzy on that. Nevertheless, for whatever reason, as the father tries to attack Hector, the mother kills the father and Hector gets away for some unknown reason. And Jesse is still chasing him. 

The ending is a big letdown. Now we knew from the beginning that Hector was not going to survive so this is not a surprise. However, the ending occurs off camera, which is a bit of a cheat because now we only see this freaking handheld camera shaking everywhere, lots of static interference, Hector screaming, Jesse roaring, and then finally the camera just falls to the ground and everything is quiet. Our last scene is one of the little girls leaning over the camera and pushing the stop button.

Now the reason I decided to do a review of this movie, despite hating the PA series with a passion, was because it had a whole lot more action, and a lot better special effects than all of the PA movies put together. That's what I mean when I said that we got the short end of the stick. 

One particular scene that I was very impressed with, although it did have technical problems, was when Hector, Jesse's grandmother, and his girlfriend tried to exorcise Jesse, but failed. The apartment shakes as if there is an earthquake, the lights go out, and by the time Hector can find the infamous night vision button, we're in total darkness. Hector flashes the camera back and forth, which isn't very exciting, but when he flashes back to the living room, still in night mode, we see the corner of the living room start to suck in on itself, à la Poltergeist. That was pretty cool. 

That particular effect was made even better when all of a sudden the lights come back on, and there is Jesse floating in the air shooting towards them, and destroying the living room by throwing everything around him and then disappearing.

My only problem with this particular effect, although it was the best effect of the movie, was that the lights came back on, but the camera was still able to catch Jesse and the destruction of the living room. The camera was in night vision mode. When the lights came back on, there should have been no picture on that camera at all, just white. But that was a small thing. I say again that this was the best PA movie made thus far, and that I really feel that this should be considered as part of the series and not just dismissed as a spin-off.



Thursday, January 2, 2014

YES VIRGINIA, THERE REALLY IS A TENNESSEE... AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS...








The Bell Witch Haunting (2013)

Class, time to pay attention. HEY! Pay attention and you might get by with this review that will take you only a couple of minutes to read and appreciate (or hate, your choice). If you DON'T quiet down, your punishment will be 91 minutes of the inane ripoff of all the PA movies, haunting movies, and possession movies you've ever had the misfortune to see. And this is by the Asylum, so those in the know will appreciate just how excruciating those minutes would be.


I can just see the money grubbers now - desperately trying to eek out another movie in 2013. If you were a fly on the wall you'd probably hear something like this: "Okay people, we've got some year left and some losses to cover so let's come up with some ideas pronto!"

"A paranormal movie!"

"Done to death, I don't think we could get away with another one - you're fired!"

"Wait, wait - what if we throw in a possessed female teenager?"

"What? A possessed female is what ALL PA movies have - get out!"

"I've got family sir, let me try again. A paranormal movie, with a possessed teenage girl, AND a local legend presented as 'real events'."

"That's the worst idea I've ever -"

"AND... and we'll have a bunch of girls in bikinis taking their tops off for no reason whatsoever, a swooshing force that kills people (off camera of course) and an Amityville-type family who, although this all happens to them refuse to move out?"

"That is the... BEST idea I've heard this year. Give yourself a raise!"

Yes folks, that's what this is. A re-re-re-re-re-re-re-telling of the urban legend Tennessee folks either hold dear or just wish would go away - the Bell witch. Now if you read my review on December 30, 2013 of An American Haunting, you already know a bit about how it goes (or doesn't) and you don't want to go through it again. If you didn't read the review... no harm, no foul. And apparently they have their OWN horror movie worksheet - better not step on mine Asylum, it's patent pending.

Short and sour: This is the stupid tale of the Sawyer family who move into one of those huge houses that people in the movies seem to buy as easily as a new phone. We see the mother, father, son and daughter celebrating the son's birthday with a new video camera. Lame overused movie plot point #1 check.

The son soon irritates the whole family by using said camera with the typical 'turn that off' every five minutes or so which of course he doesn't do. Lame overused movie plot point #2 check.

If there is anything about to happen, whether it's slamming doors, booming sounds or whispering, the audience is warned by a rumbling noise that apparently only the audience can hear. Lame overused movie plot point #3 check.

Although horrible things begin to happen from the beginning (such as a couple who attended the birthday party being found dead by the side of the road that same night) the family blithely stays in the house. Lame overused movie plot point #4 check.



The boy, together with his friends find out about the Bell witch and gee whiz, the Sawyer's new home is right smack on the Bell property. Lame overused movie plot point #5 check.

The girl is bothered from the first day from night terrors which continue each night, as her behavior gets more and more bizarre and she starts displaying some evil activity. Lame overused movie plot point #6 check.

After a few more deaths of friends of the family, the father spitting up blood and wandering off in the night, the girl being found in the forest by police munching on roadkill and the mother cutting herself every ten minutes on something exploding on her, they get a priest to 'exorcise' the house - which ends up making things worse. 

See, these guys need to read Acts 11-16 'cause demons aren't going to take crap off of anybody no matter how many times you try to use the Lord's name. So now the teenage girl is totally possessed complete with levitation. She attacks the priest and snaps his neck. Lame overused movie plot point #7 check.


Instead of getting out or having a hundred cops show up, after the daughter takes off, the three remaining family members run out to the woods to find her, so the ending of the movie is all nauseating night shots bobbing all over the place, just to have the brother killed by his sister with his own camera. Lame overused movie plot point #8 check.

The father, bringing a gun, thinks he sees his possessed daughter coming at him and shoots. It's his wife. She's dead. The daughter shows up and stares at him, somehow forcing him to take the gun and blow his own brains out. Lame overused movie plot point #9 check.


The movie ends by claiming that they caught the Sawyer girl who lives in an asylum, screaming every night but leaving plenty of opportunity for a sequel, the mother was never found and the mystery never solved. Aaaaand this means that lame overused movie plot point #10 is a check and WE ARE DONE.

Now we sit and wait and rake in the bucks...

(BTW the WHOLE cast went uncredited. I wonder why...)




Does this LOOK like they're scared of some urban legend?




Thursday, December 5, 2013

LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT... OH CRAP THAT'S NOT SHAMPOO - IT'S A HAND HELD CAMERA FOOTAGE MOVIE ABOUT STUPID PEOPLE GETTING POSSESSED AND DYING! NO WONDER MY SCALP ITCHES!



Back From Hell aka Ex Inferis or From Hell (2011) Italian

Disclaimer: Nothing on the movie poster actually happens in the movie. Maybe they screwed up and made this poster for another movie and got confused, I dunno. For Americans who insist on making possession movies by the dozen, here's how it usually goes. You gotta be Catholic (sorry - not being discriminatory, the movie makers are), you gotta play around with spirits because it's 'fun', you gotta get possessed, you gotta get a priest for an exorcism, and of course, it's gotta fail. The end.

I guess Italians wanted to mix several types of paranormal movies together because they've been getting a bit behind so here we have our six unlikable people together on holiday going to an abandoned house in the country. What, no insane asylum? Close - it was a monastery (rim shot). A church with a priest living in it by his lonesome is next door. Raise your hands if this sounds really contrived to you. Now put them down 'cause y'all look silly raising your hands at a computer screen (rim shot).

We get the 'found footage' element by the first screen declaring 'Ecclesiastic-Military Commission For Investigation On M Phenomena Original Tape "Zero Manifestation"'. That means... absolutely nothing as far as I'm concerned. If you know, tell me 'cause I got nothing.

The camera footage starts (as it always does) with the car ride. YAWN. The guy usually has a new camera or is such a pest that everyone is constantly swatting at him. Yup, got that here too. We notice that one seems to be an unhappy couple, she being pregnant, he being (according to her) distant and not affectionate. Oh. brother. Is this an obvious set up or what? (Don't answer that, I won't hear you besides I'm finishing up my horror movie worksheet (patent pending).

One guy who apparently asked no questions UNTIL they got there is upset that it was a monastery because it 'blasphemes his religion'. It, uh, what? Pffft, never mind. The house was recommended to the pregnant woman because she was an architect and the Church wants to do a bit of restoration on the place.

It's their first night in this monastery so of course they all do the logical thing in the mashup of every duh movie you've seen in the past couple of years. Out comes the homemade Ouija board - but we also get the duh explanation that Oui is yes in French and Ja is yes in German. Good thing DUH pretty much is covered in all languages. The REAL scoop (since this movie is boring me to tears) is that the board was mass developed when two businessmen decided to make a 'standard' type board and patent it. One named Kennard decided that the name was ancient Egyptian meaning 'good luck'. 

When the production was taken over by a man named William Fuld, he decided to claim HE created the board and that's when the yes-yes name was popularized. He was so sure of himself that if anyone else even tried to make their own he would sue them - right up until his death (you thought I was going to say even after his death, right?). The board became a game for most, and is even mass distributed by Hasbro, which now holds all patents and trademarks (for 3 and up!) although it is sold by different companies under other names. Wow, this movie must be REALLY boring me, I can't even keep to it...

They play around with the thing and we get the obligatory table thumping, are-you-doing-that arguing, and answers they don't want to questions they shouldn't have asked. One always says "I knew we shouldn't have done this." while another says "I'm frightened." Every. Time. In other words, leave the damned thing in the box in the toy section of the store.

One of the guys (the names are different in the Italian and American versions) is the first to go buggy. He disappears and when they finally find him, he's drooling and being stupid. Movie-possessed stupid I mean. So we get an endless amount of dark and heavy breathing, until you want to scream (or just play video games on the side, I mean, really). For an obvious plot point (and a way to know when to watch 'cause something might happen) just listen for the noise distortion from the video camera - in this movie that means the spirits are interfering with it. Since you probably won't be watching this, it's a valueless clue but just in case...

Oh, and of course, the priest living all by his lonesome next to the place indicates that the Church is covering up something and now we have a Scooby team to break the mystery of the forgotten monastery. Grab your scooby snacks 'cause this just keeps getting dumber and dumber... The possessed guy goes nuts and gee whiz, there happens to be the priest, right there, with a rosary and a prayer on the ready... hmm, that's not suspicious or anything... and then the car goes plbbbt. Geez, that was a shock. In other words, my worksheet, I think, needs to become an automated computerized worksheet. That way I can fill in a word or a name here and there and tada! A review! (Patent pending of course.)

The priest attempts an exorcism on the part-time possessed person (apparently this demon takes holidays too) which of course doesn't work and the priest realizes they're in deep shi--- stuff (although it WAS funny to hear the priest say, 'Give us this day our daily breath'... pffft). The next to crack is the pregnant woman and the only flinchworthy scene of the movie, albeit a very brief one. She has gone out into the dark and self-aborted her baby. They find her covered in blood but alive.

Having drugged her and the father-no-more-to-be, the rest of the Scooby gang decide to give the ole' spirit board one more try since it's done them sooo much good up 'til now. And the duh factor rises and I'm really REALLY tired of movies made in the dark. But their little game gets broken up by the priest who tries to play Jesus and condemns them for blaspheming and knocks their little table and board over - only to have something shake the whole building. Uh huh.

Now we get a convoluted story about an angel and the knowledge of the world in a nutshell, as the saying goes. In other words, the movie makers had no freaking idea how to end this movie and it's just going to get longer. The remaining three decide to check exactly what's underneath because, umm, because... I have no idea, 'cause they need to fill up 97 minutes and we've had enough of the building in the dark so now we're going underground in the dark?

So after basically going past all the 'do not pass' stuff and getting into all the 'do not get into' stuff they find Clive Barker's Hellraiser puzzle box. I'm serious. The damned thing (although a bit bigger) is a rip off of his puzzle box. WTH?  The skeptic fudges with it, it glows, he disappears. Good, we're down to two (not counting the injured-but-dammit-they're-still-alive people in beds upstairs. 

The two find themselves outside again somehow and when they get to the building they hear a thump - it's one of the men (don't ask me I can't tell anybody apart in this dumb thing) and he's now dead. Okay NOW there's three left. Oops, sorry, I forgot about the part-time 'possessed' one - he shows up and the chase begins. They find the no-longer-pregnant woman dead of blood loss. How many does that make left that are alive? I've lost count and I don't care.

The half-possessed dude kills the priest with a waaaay too loud crack of his neck. The girl kills the half-possessed dude with a pipe. We've got WWE action going on now folks, now if they'd just turned the damned lights on we could see this but to save money it's happening in the dark which means she's probably whacking a big bag of nuts for all we know.

NOW WE ARE DEFINITELY DOWN TO TWO... I SWEAR THE MOVIE'S ALMOST OVER. We've got the camera man (natch) and the woman, whoever she is. It's the next morning. The car now runs. The two get in and go into town. It's empty, messed up, and a quarantine notice is running on all stations. Why? THEY DON'T FREAKING TELL US. There's stuff in the road like a bathtub and other junk. So they abandon the car and walk down the road. The man abandons his camera but leaves it running so we have our found footage. We hear a squeal and sloooooowly a man with a machete starts to follow them. Aaaaaand scene.

The movie tells us that Claudia and Mark (who?) are still in the quarantine area. Alessandro is still missing (who?). The area undergoing the M Phenomena (the what?) reached an extension of 27 km (where?) and that's it. That's all you get. Geez, I'd have rather had one of them wake up and have the whole thing be a dream than this convoluted story of NOTHING that tells us NOTHING, explains NOTHING and ends with NOTHING. You're welcome.

Oh, just for a laugh here's the summary written by someone for whom English is either a second or third language: Six ex-classmates decide to spend some holidays together. To enjoy a short rest period and some amusement, they rent a manor house in the countryside, upon where to forget the raving madness of the city life. After they get to know the priest living in the adjoining church, the group moves into the house. Very soon, the convivial mood progressively deteriorates, while in the house strange phenomena start to happen, apparently paranormal. The journey turns into a nightmare when Giorgio, one of the mates, starts to have aberrant behaviors, until he shows evident signs of what properly seems a diabolic possession. 

While Alessandro, his best friend, tries to find a scientific and rational explanation to the happenings, the other friends trust in Father Elia, the priest. He feels Giorgio is surely possessed by the devil, and tries to exorcise him. But in the end, all the people will figure out that what is happening goes over their ability to understand, and moreover, their possibility to control.

That didn't make sense to me either, don't worry about it. But it did make me giggle. A little. Wasn't worth the 97 minutes of watching though.