A CREATURE FEATURE THAT'S GOOD, ENTERTAINING, AND HIGHLY AFFORDABLE...

Grabbers (2012) Ireland/UK

As a creature feature and self-described cult film, this movie seems to be very polarizing - people either loved it or hated it. I'm not sure why feelings either way were so strong - like the very popular Tremors, this film was simply what it was supposed to be - a bit of fluff to enjoy with a bit of a story and a big monster. No big whoop.

Forward Films is spanking new. They have only three movies under their belt, including this one, with a Danish Western of all things due to be shown at the Cannes Festival on May 17, with a release date of October 2, 2014. Although it is Danish it was shot in Johannesburg, South Africa (?!?)

Of course, even though I liked the movie a lot, I've still got all my snarks in a row - but since this is mostly Miss Mayhem's

review, I'll just butt in with one or five or so throughout. She enjoyed it also, and was very relieved when I assured her it was nothing like the movie Alien (by the way, we lost an extremely talented Swiss surrealist painter, sculptor and set designer who, besides working on the original Alien movie was also known for his art on famous album covers, as well as an, ahem, unique microphone for Korn's Jonathan Davis - H.R. Giger, who was 74, passed away May 13, 2014).

Before I could really get going though, Miss Mayhem reminded me of a few things - one, it's a film from Ireland who really don't have a ton of horror movies out there (true - the wiki only lists 19, but then again I don't know what years they cover). Two, they did a pretty decent job of balancing both actual models and CGI versions of the 'monster' - especially since they only spent what in US dollars equaled around $6.7 million which is.... damned cheap really. Watch the movie - it WILL impress you. So she begins:

Miss Mayhem: Our movie starts on an island off the Irish coast which is just beautiful... which island? Umm... 

Miss Murder: Ireland is itself an island and the list of smaller 'islands' goes on for miles - and those are off the ocean. You should see the list for those on lakes and rivers. But this says Erin Island which may be an inside joke because Erin means both "Ireland" and "west" - the name given by Scotland. But this island (whichever it actually is) IS very beautiful with small towns and rolling hills and beautiful beaches... hmm, I think I know where I want to live. For this movie they had two locations: Belfast, County Antrim and County Donegal. Apparently it was one of the coldest winters they've had in a long time and shooting the film was pretty miserable to everybody.


Miss Mayhem: So at the start, a fishing boat is out at night when they see a massive bright light in the sky which plummets into the ocean...

Miss Murder: And no meteorologist or astronomer saw this coming? Huge fireballs out of the sky and they just sneak up on us?

Miss Mayhem: Ahem. Soon the three on the boat are killed by... something. The next day pilot whales are found washed up on the beach, ripped to pieces. I was relieved to find that one was a prop, the rest were digital.

Miss Murder: LOTS of CGI in this one...

Miss Mayhem: A local named Paddy (yes, I know), who's the colorful town drunk (besides Coyle) finds one in a lobster trap (obviously a small one) and puts it in his bathtub to keep it wet. He's not worried about safety, he's mostly thinking of money. Meanwhile we have two policepersons (called Garda, and definitely not carrying sidearms) Ciarán O'Shea (Richard Coyle), who drinks constantly since his wife left him, and his new partner for two weeks while another is on vacation, a volunteer named Lisa Nolan (Ruth Bradley). 

But even though Paddy's 'alien' is small enough to fit in the lobster trap, it's nasty enough to first spit... something all over him, then attack him with what I thought was a tentacle but apparently it's a tongue. It tries to drink Paddy's blood...

Miss Murder: Wait, wait, wait, WAIT... what??? Let's get this straight for the reader. An alien. From space. Crashes unseen to earth (okay the ocean). It needs water and BLOOD? What, did it come from Blood Planet? Planet Of The Bloody Creatures? Planet...

Miss Mayhem: This is not MST3K and we are NOT riffing, okay? Paddy beats the alien to death (he thinks) and takes it to the local marine ecologist...

Miss Murder: Because every small island has to have...

Miss Mayhem: Shhhhh. You're sick, remember? Let me drive. Despite the ecologist wanting to find the genus of the species...

Miss Murder: Did you say genius?

Miss Mayhem: What, you can't read now either? Go sit over there and play with your Wii.

Miss Murder: I don't have a...

Miss Mayhem: READ A BOOK! Anyway, Paddy is determined to call the thing a 'Grabber' since that's what it did to him. The name sticks. Since by now several people have been murdered (they found one severed head - not very real looking but for a small budget film not bad) they wonder why Paddy's still alive. They're quick to figure out (this film's 94 minutes so they gotta move along so you can see the REAL monster) that this alien that somehow needs Earth's water and blood cannot take alcohol (which Paddy thinks is a food group).

Miss Murder: In this land of incredible dumbity and coincidences, a severe storm is coming which means there's no help coming from the mainland - AND there'll be lots of water to keep the other monster very happy (they figured the captive one was female when they discovered she was full of eggs - each one the size of her body - ouch!). They also discover that the male is the size of a house. Okay, we've got the setup for the next silly bit.

Basically, every person left on the island (many had gone to the mainland at the beginning of the film, probably so they wouldn't be stuck in this movie) has to meet at the pub and get stinking drunk in order to keep them safe from the CGI monster.

Miss Mayhem: It wasn't all CGI - they had close ups so they did have quite a bit of real models so it was a pretty neat combination.

Miss Murder: With some movie duh mixed in...

Miss Mayhem: Later. The two Garda draw the people into the pub by declaring that the alcohol is free. They had gotten the newbie drunk (she usually doesn't drink) to find out how much one has to drink to equal Paddy's BAC (that's blood alcohol lever by the way) of .20 and they figure eight pints each at least. They think that's a lot.

Miss Murder: Meh, I've seen one blow .42 before and he was still breathing.

Miss Mayhem: Good for you. 

Miss Murder: Everybody starts to have a good time and all of a sudden they're singing an Irish drinking song that sounds... very familiar. I'm listening as close as I can (it's on the jukebox and their singing is pretty slurred but the one I knew was this (not my video of course, but enjoy):

They, of course, are not the only ones who have re-done this song. I had always wondered why Metallica (with recently shorn locks that upset the metal world) would sing;

I first produced my pistol and then produced my rapier. I said: "Stand and deliver or the devil he may take ya". Musha ring dum-a do dum-a da,Whack for my daddy-o, Whack for my daddy-o, There's whiskey in the jar-o.

The rest of the words to Whiskey In The Jar depend on whose singing the song - The Dubliners, The Grateful Dead, Thin Lizzy, or Metallica. What were the original words? Since it's thought that the song began somewhere in the 17th century, no one is exactly sure.

Everyone gets stinking drunk, except for Garda O'Shea (Coyle) who volunteered to stay sober to keep everyone safe. But the drunk marine ecologist decides he wants a 'selfie' of the monster and him for National Geographic (and Facebook - his words). He's right in that the monster can't eat him, but it does fling him for what looked like over a mile - and he's dead.

Miss Murder: Are you sure? Did you see the body?

Miss Mayhem: I have duct tape and I'm not afraid to use it. Next to go outside is a gentleman who doesn't want to wait in line for the bathroom.

Miss Murder: The Piss Of Death.

Miss Mayhem: Do we have to....

Miss Murder: THE PISS OF DEATH!!! Or at least it would have been, but he's rescued by the two Garda who've been in their vehicle watching the building. There apparently were a lot of eggs so now we have 'Attack Of The Killer CGI Babies'. Or, to be more graphic, big nasty slugs with round, teeth filled mouths.

Miss Mayhem: Even drunk and without the ecologist, they

figure the huge male is looking for his mate. Paddy makes a comment that the male must smell his mate near the building which is why he's there. O'Shea realizes that the female, who had spit on him also when the 'dead' thing had revived (until they bludgeoned it to death - again) so he 'smells' enough for the male to follow, determines to lead the thing to a construction site. 

Miss Murder: What could they possibly be constructing on a small fishing island? I mean the hole they're leading it to is freaking deep...

Miss Mayhem: Let me tell this, okay? Just take another pain pill. The male monster follows them to the site...

Miss Murder: (slurring words a little) Wait a sec, I remember something...

Miss Mayhem: Go lie down or something.

Miss Murder: No no - this is where I was bashing the CGI really good. See, they're in the pouring rain - I mean soaking wet rain with this huge monster which I know is mostly CGI...

Miss Mayhem: And?

Miss Murder: Well, look at it bit by bit. The shot of O'Shea and Nolan has pouring rain and them soaking wet. Then it cuts to the monster - wet, no rain. Back, rain. Back, no rain. Back, rain...

Miss Murder: I think there's a chocolate bar left in the fridge. Good girl. Now to finish: We get a tense finish as the plan to lure the monster onto a forklift (the idea being to keep it out of water and let the sun kill it) is a no go because there's no forklift - then O'Shea falls into the big hole and hurts his leg. The 'Grabber' jumps in to kill him - and is pinned to the earth as a drunken Nolan, who had found a large piece of equipment, drives it right into the hole on top of the monster, pinning it down and keeping it there.

It's not dead however, and grabs O'Shea again - but he was just given a bottle of the stuff Paddy's been making and it did not like it a bit. Nolan grabs the flare gun they had (with no weapons they were reduced to things like super soakers and household items) and shoots explosives that are conveniently left in the open at the bottom of the pit. After O'Shea gets out of the way of course.

Now it's morning and the two Garda are walking back to town. Then we see the beach, and at least five more monster eggs, one beginning to hatch.

I'm going to end this before Miss Murder finishes her candy bar.

❦❦❦ Miss Mayhem ❦ ❦ ❦

WHAT COULD YOU DO WITH $11,000?

The Invoking aka Sader Ridge (2013)

While working on They Saved Hitler's Brain I realized that I was seriously starting to burn out my own brain so that one is in the works and coming up but not right now. It's not that it's complicated, or even long, just very, very tiring. So I found, by pure chance, this movie and decided to give it a go, hoping for something to distract me from visions of Hitler's head in a glass jar.

Really subtle guys...

I have to confess that my very first thought when I found this that it was probably a knock-off of The Conjuring. Whenever I do a movie review, I find out a little about it first - that doesn't change my opinion one way or another but I get an idea of what I'm in for. It wasn't good. Words like 'boring', 'waste of time and money', and yes, 'tries to get viewers who watched The Conjuring' were knocked about - I was afraid of that. And you movie making guys, here's a little information because apparently you think we viewers are really, really stupid. One, nobody 'invoked' ANYTHING and two, THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THE HOUSE IN THE MOVIE. 'Kay?

Looking at the IMDb to find out where this was shot, I found out that the budget was $11,000, filmed by a company called Ruthless Pictures, produced by The October People. That's a pretty low amount - and yet this indie film made some good impressions and nominations at several festivals. Okay. I looked some more and found it was made as a result of a Kickstarter program. 

For those of you who haven't heard of them, Kickstarter is a great way to forward a project, whether it be something like a movie, or a product, book, whatever. You can look through projects that are local to your area, or search a particular subject you like.

Those circumstances caused me to prepare to excuse a lot of dumb and bad stuff - but I really didn't have to. This is truly a decent film.

Again, wrong house, nothing to do with movie...

The movie was first called Sader Ridge when it was presented at several festivals. Whoever decided to cash in on The Conjuring to push the film did it a disservice. It left the viewer expecting something they weren't going to get, which is probably why the negative comments listed above came about. Using ONE word from Fangoria's review didn't help them much either. Fangoria DID have some good things to say about this film, but using just one word makes it seem like that's all they said that was positive and that's not fair.


So putting everything aside, I decided to see just what $11,000 and some imagination can buy. As it turns out, quite a lot. I've seen low budget films before, some with as little as $5,000 to work with. That means you'll see amateur actors probably wearing their own clothes, driving their own cars, and if a house is involved, no doubt it probably belongs to someone in the film. And special effects will be at a minimum. Which makes horror movies extra hard 'cause unless it's not a slasher flick or paranormal piece of garbage...

But wait. For the price of what the crew of Paranormal Activity (pick any one of 'em) spent on coffee for the crew, this film maker managed to create something genuinely creepy. Not the outright BOO kind of scare, nobody gets gloriously gutted, and no damned cupboard or bedroom doors mysteriously open and shut for an hour and twenty minutes so there can be a five minute climax.




What you get with this movie is very competent photography, wonderfully directed and shot. This movie takes place on a farm on Sader Ridge (actually shot in California) and the location they chose (or could afford) was great. The house was a normal house that any family could have lived in, and the actors, while obviously being a little rough around the edges did a pretty good job with this different take on the paranormal theme (except for one female who overacted so badly I wanted her dead but we won't go into that). 




I was also impressed with the sound quality. I can't even count just how many movies, cheap or those with big money, that have horrible sound quality - echoes, bad dubbing, horrible or inappropriate background music and worse. This was good. It's too bad that big film companies can't be made to sit down and watch films like this and say 'See? This is how it's supposed to look/sound'.



The basic story in a nutshell: A woman named Samantha (Sam) inherits a farm from an aunt who had recently died. She finds out that this was her biological aunt, she was raised by adoptive parents.  She and her college friends check it out. It's a modest house on a good sized farm. Soon after arriving however, her friends start to act strange. Sam thinks she is imagining things but the longer they stay, the stranger things are becoming and Sam is getting flashes that she's been in this house before...



You do have to go through the irritating we're-driving-and-arguing-the-whole-way scenes that start so many of these things. Finally after a lengthy drive where they start to lose their cellular signal... as you know, cell phones are only useful for telling the audience that practically every horror movie takes place 'out of range'. The only other useful function they serve is as a makeshift flashlight. The hubby saw that being done on another show and asked 'Is she using her iPhone for a flashlight? Yup. We have dumb phones but guess what - WE HAVE FLASHLIGHTS THAT WORK GREAT! Smarten up people.




Strangely (they don't quite explain why) one of the guys has an old tape recorder on a shoulder strap - the one with cartridges and the little microphones? You have to hold down the play AND record buttons? Remember those? No? Then go to bed, you're up too late. For whatever reason during the trip he has been recording what he thinks are strange sounds - including some vibrations from a radio substation they pass. Why? Why not?



Anywho, the four arrive and are shown around by Eric, who her aunt had hired as a handyman. He's recently returned from a tour in Afghanistan and constantly messes with his tags like he's trying to remind the audience of this - or it's just a nervous habit. He tells Sam that they played together as children and she is shocked to find out that she lived there until she was five - she has no memory of it at all. She is even more shocked to find that it is actually the family farm and belonged to her parents named Sader before they died.

I think this next idea is a combination of original ideas mixed with low budget restrictions. Sam is hearing one friend recite prayers at night, she catches two of them messing around, at one point two look as if they're about to fight each other - Sam notices that when this happens, their voices are a bit different too but when she mentions all of this her friends just stare at her. 



They have no idea what she's talking about. If there is a character flaw in the Sam character it's that she shows a shocking lack of curiosity about what's going on. Now that may be from fear, or maybe her lack of acting experience, or the script. You'd think by now she'd at least be grilling Eric, who seems to remember a whole LOT of stuff just what happened in that house and why she was sent away.

Because Eric DOES know more than he lets on and there WAS a very good reason to send Sam away when she was five. I'm going to do something I don't usually do in my reviews - let you see the rest play out for yourself. If you want to.

Let's give you a bit of a hint: Eric tells Sam that her family, her father in particular, were not liked by the community for the way her father 'practiced his religion and raised his children'. Children? As in more than one? Sam has also had flashes of being burned with a cigarette and checks where she thinks the scar is. They don't show it, but from the look on her face...

The end is a good twist, with backstory being provided slowly but surely, building up to quite the finish. Not spectacular, not wonderful, but pretty darn good. And I don't say that very often.

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HOW TO TAKE $5,000 AND MAKE THE WORST CRAP MOVIE EVER - WELL, OKAY THE WORST CRAP I'VE SEEN SO FAR THIS YEAR



Blackwood Evil (2000)

What a better way to start the year than a found footage movie supposedly taken on new year's eve of 2000? This being pretty early in the found footage game I was almost intrigued... until I read the opening paragraph. This is it - complete with spelling and punctuation errors:

On February 14, 2000, a single video tape was hand delivered to television station WBWE in Sunrise Texas by person or persons unknown. Labeled with only the title "BLACKWOOD EVIL" it is to date the only solid evidence in the New Year tragedy which took the lives of television reporter - Jane Fox, cameraman - Eddie Johnson, psychic - Margaret Fellows and land developer - Travis Taylor. It is shown here for the first time in it's entirety, just as it was received. Anyone with information concerning the production or delivery of this tape is urged to contact WBWE television or the Sunrise police department.

This movie cost (in 1999 dollars) $5,000 to make (that's $6,994.87 in today's dollars) - they spent waaaay too much.

If you can forget the fact that they're trying to cash in on the then-new Blair Witch phenomenon (see movie poster), that  most of the film is in the dark, that although this was a single video tape there are three cameras filming WITH fade in and fade out, and the first 50 minutes of this 85 minute movie is spent on exposition and a whole lot of arguing (usually virtually the same lines repeated over and over) before they even hold a casual seance which of course starts the whole slaughtering process, you just might make it through this movie.

I think we found Larry The Cable Guy's father...

The premise is that in Texas (during the movie they couldn't make up their mind if this was Blackland or Blackwater - it's only called BlackWOOD at the very end of the movie) there's this spot that was cursed with the highest murder rate in the state. Children disappeared constantly. December 31, 1899 - January 1, 1900, a group of people murdered everybody and set the town (whatever it was called) on fire. Except for this one rotten house. So, says the psychic ('cause of course there has to be at least ONE) starting at midnight of December 31, 1999 - January 1, 2000, the demons are gonna come up and the end of the world starts. Umm, what?

Never mind - doesn't matter. There really is no plot. The film is in terrible shape, the sound garbled, the scenes dark or poorly lit, the actors good at being mad but not much else. It was a relief to watch them die - or rather to know they're dead - there is no scenes of killing, that costs too much money - 'cause when they were all gone you knew your torture was over. Best line in the movie? The owner of the property tells the other doomed three people, 'You're wasting my time'. Amen to that, brother.

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MOVIES THAT COULD HAVE BEEN GREAT BUT GET MUCKED UP


Slasher House (2012) UK

Surprise surprise - we've got a pretty good movie from the UK that is very VERY low budget (5,000£ or $8219.50) but with solid performances, great saturated color (that makes most of the movie) of mostly reds and greens and at 85 minutes it's just right for a trip back into the world of the pure slasher film. 

BUT then they try to stuff to much into it and we get something too complicated - if they had left it alone, it would have almost been perfect. And the ending... whoa. WTH is a mild way of putting how they slap an ending together to finish the film. And there's a sequel ready to go in 2014 but we'll get to that.

The catch phrase is 'One Girl. Four Killers... Welcome Home'. That's - a bit misleading. This contains spoilers but the movie would still be a good view for those who are tired of the same old paranormal BS and wish there were a movie that goes back to the good ole' slasher routine (and not about a bunch of teenagers getting whacked one by one).

We start with a girl with impossible red hair (but I loved it - I'd have it in a second if I could) and heavy makeup lying naked in a cell. Just the way you want your slasher film to start. We only know her as 'Red' for obvious reasons. She finds a red dress and puts it on. She looks more like a doll than a person. Red was played by Eleanor James (who I first erroneously identified as Nikki Webster, sorry about that and thanks to MJ Dixon of MYCHO.CO.UK who pointed it out), who did quite well in this movie. I just wish they would have stopped meddling with it... but that's later.

The building is supposed to be an abandoned madhouse, which I guess is the UK term for abandoned mental asylum. She wanders through and as she does, she finds clues, weapons and other items by seeing red arrows on the walls and other objects, leading her through the place. Trouble is, she has no idea who she is, or why she is there. 

But others are there and they do, at least for themselves. And there is where is starts to bog down, although the slash scenes are well done and finally we get some real gore for the slasher film lover. And whoever did the color for this film, bravo. It is intense, surreal and makes this film even more interesting.

Somebody, somewhere is controlling things as randomly a loud alarm sounds which usually means doors have been opened or closed - and most probably another killer has been let loose. But this doesn't really start until almost an hour into the movie - that's a whole lot of 'What am I doing here?' to have to wade through before getting to the (forgive me for this one) meaty part of the movie.

Three were obvious and the movie tried to give a short backstory on each but that just bogged down the movie and was puzzling because it told you nothing about the why and where and how they got to Slasher House. Red teams up with a normal looking guy named Nathan and she finds there were 'files' on each of them - except for her. 

Nathan found his file but it was empty. The first to be 'let loose' is a killer clown they name Cleaver and they show a brief scene of him snatching up a kid into an ice cream truck in the middle of the night (?!?) and he is sufficiently creepy and scary - the scariest clown I've seen since Stephen King's It. He is right in character as he hunts the two down - only to meet his demise.

We then meet one who simply tells them (he wears a baseball cap low, you really never see his face) that they don't want to know him and they're right - they show the backstory for 'Corben' for a couple of seconds and soon he has them captive and strapped to operating tables. He had captured the clown and... like I said, there is gore aplenty in this film. 

But even he is not evil enough... when Nathan screams as he gets a saw to the head our final baddie is released from his cage - he had sat there sobbing like a child but a cage comes from above with his, uh, persona in it. He is Thorn, and when his mask is on, he is one big badass (and instantly gets his own sequel called 'Legacy Of Thorn' coming in 2014 - Red will also be there). Corben gets distracted from his torture of Nathan and Red and they escape as Corben is ripped to pieces by Thorn.

Aaaand the movie bogs down again. See, they have to have some kind of explanation for this and some kind of ending and their time is getting short so things seem really rushed. Nathan turns out to be not an innocent at all, but some kind of... I dunno... schizo character who can't control his 'evil' side I guess. So the three of them kind of go around for a while and soon Red is running from both of them as Nathan's 'evil' side keeps taking over.

Who wins? Well that's kind of obvious but the why is where they REALLY went waaaay to complicated. Red set it up. Why didn't she remember? Dunno... just know that her family were the victims of a serial killer and since then she has dedicated her life to executing all serial killers. In the media world she is known as the 'Red Angel' and we see her going after assorted baddies with a Katana blade. Uh huh.

So even though it appears that Thorn was defeated by Red in this movie, apparently the movie maker liked him so much ('cause there wasn't enough time for this to be a decision by audience approval) that they immediately made a sequel to this movie. Let's hope for less backstory, more gore and please keep that color scheme! It was both gorgeous and disturbing. But the idea of caging up a bunch of serial killers and letting them have at it with each other? Brilliant.

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FOUR HORRIBLE MOVIES THAT FEATURE URBAN LEGENDS THAT WERE SO RADICALLY CHANGED THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST COME UP WITH ORIGINAL ONES

The Midnight Horror Collection

I've said it before, but if you want to peruse horror films on the cheap and you're running out of options on the internet streaming services, Amazon has collections of movies that don't cost very much. Now of course it being the holiday season, Amazon has already been 'spanked' (and well they should) because at this time of year they decided to change the amount you need to spend in order to get free shipping from $25 to $35. 

Ten dollars may not seem much of a difference, but if you're just looking for cheap movies it might change your mind on who to purchase movies from. If you can get the shipping cheap enough, you might check out eBay - I've gotten movies there for a buck and low shipping rates - depends on what you're looking for.

So this small collection was supposed to be about Urban Legends. If I wanted really REALLY stupid Urban Legends, I'd read my Facebook page. By the way (Shameless plug ahead!) if you use Facebook at all, please check out my horror page at  https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies  and give it a 'like' pretty pretty please? You'll find updates whenever I put up new movies, movie trivia, quizzes, and assorted horror goodies. Okay, back to business.

I hate YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU!

The Ridge (2006): Our first horrible offering is supposed to be about an UL about 'The Ridge Runner'. Sorry, but every time they said it in the movie I yelled 'Beep beep!' - which is why my husband doesn't like to watch movies with me. The five people in their 20's were so unlikable, that I not only wished them dead fast, but hoped they were in a lot of pain when they died. They yelled and bitched at each other so horribly you can't help but think, 'Why are you even here? Did you CHOOSE to spend a weekend with people you obviously hate?'

If this were even close, this is where the story would end.

So one tells the others the UL story of 'The Ridge Runner' who supposedly killed a bunch of people years ago. The real story is very, very long but I'll condense it for you: In North Central Idaho is the Clearwater National Forest. The Ridgerunner's true name was William Clyde Morland or Moreland who was born October 1, 1900. When he was 21 he spent time in jail for burglary and larceny in different states, different names. He used about four different names by this time. He was a wanderer and homeless. He wound up in Idaho and people reported thefts, vandalism - he apparently just took whatever he wanted. He was becoming a 'mountain man' in that it took very little provisions in the wilderness for him to survive. His MO when he robbed places was the same - he usually trashed the place.

But he gained sympathy from those living in the vicinity - he was just a little guy trying to survive with nothing. They didn't like that he was filthy and always trashed places he stole from, but was he a threat? Nah. During the winter of 1957 Moreland stole more stuff but hurt/killed no one. He was examined by several doctors who reported that Moreland was suffering from malnutrition and was insane and dangerous. He was committed to the mental hospital. He escaped in 1959 but was quickly re-captured. The last anyone saw him was 1961. Wow. Scary (insert heavy sarcasm here).

So the only part the movie got right was that he trashes houses he robs. That's what they find when they arrive. After that, pure pffffft. They die one by one by a big, voiceless guy in black sweats and a hoody who dispatches them verrrrrrry slowly in the dark. The only half-way interesting factoid was the 'Ridge Runner' was played by a film editor. This was his only acting credit and he probably wants to keep it that way. Oh, and for some reason the blonde guy not only survives but kills TRR and then cries. HE CRIES. Wussy.

Sasquoit's (and Mr. Loomis') pride and joy... 

Mr. Halloween (2007): I had absolutely no expectations for this movie - hey, any film slapped together for $6,000 is gonna be... um... not... good. This is supposed to be a small town with one blinking traffic light. The UL here is 'Hit the red, he will come and you'll be dead.' Was this a real UL? Not really. This was a town project done out of love. See, this very budget conscious film actually featured a real man, Bill Loomis, who in Saquoit DOES have a horror house on Halloween. No, he is not an re-animated corpse. No he does not use the real body parts of kids and teenagers as his 'props'. He is a man nice enough to lend his house (and himself) for this movie to make sort of an UL.

This is part of an actual news story on it: A Sauquoit house has been spooking visitors on Halloween night for 27 years - daring visitors to enter at their own risk and experience zombies, witches, skeletons and more. The tradition began many years ago when Bill Loomis was simply decorating his front porch. Over time, that decorating expanded and began to turn his own house into a haunted house.

Now, he has cleaned out his barn to host a complete haunted house - admission is free. Loomis' love of Halloween and his haunted house brought him and friends to turn it into a movie called Mr. Halloween. "It started out, we made a small movie for my Halloween party, and then the next year make a sequel, and then decided to make a full-length movie," Loomis said.

To read the whole article:

http://www.wktv.com/community/halloween/news/Haunted-house-in-Sauquoit-spooking-visitors-for-more-than-27-years-132823413.html

Mr. Loomis preparing some 'live' entertainment (in the movie)...

The fact that not only was this a first-time project, but that the town got together for it brought this way up on the opinion scale. This movie is as good - or as bad - as many others I've seen with a lot more money and a lot less heart. In the movie any kid (it's gotta be a kid or teenager) who breaks the only traffic light in town will die... but apparently only on Halloween. At the same time, rumors abound that Mr. Loomis (he's playing himself, natch) uses real body parts for his props. So a group of kids set out to do the usual Scooby gang stunt of finding out because... umm... what else is there to do in a small town?

Mr. Loomis receives his 'don't be dead' treatment...

Loomis is a reanimated corpse who, when not arranging his little 'house' sits in a chair with strange tubes running in and out of him and generators chugging away, being cared for by the Sheriff. Oookay. Of course, the horror house IS real and the kids get killed one by one for finding out and being kids. And yes, the Sheriff is in on it, taking care of Loomis' reanimated body.

Low, low budget means any special effects (read blood and guts) are gonna be meh, but for the money they did pretty good. Soundtrack sucked, story was pretty stupid - they stretched it out where one boy was imprisoned a WHOLE YEAR just to die when trying to escape the next year with a new prisoner.

And Loomis is a corpse with clear... stuff in him, but when finally splatted by another Scooby gang, he bleeds all over the place. Whoops. Excellent effort for amateurs, way way WAY too long at 112 minutes.


Bloody Mary (2006): Now THIS one I knew but what this movie does to it makes it just about unrecognizable. Besides being just a bad movie, it takes the icky sticky tale of Bloody Mary (which I was going to shorten to BM for this review but I kept snickering) and twists it into some sort of paranormal/psycho thing that doesn't make any sense and doesn't explain itself.

It also features a small role by Cory Monteith who plays a backstabbing boyfriend who likes to paint in the nude. I had a hundred jokes about this but given his untimely death I'll pass. Watching him die onscreen was also pretty unsettling.

So we know what Bloody Mary is. It has its own wiki page for crying out loud. Again, for the long explanation on where it probably started from, the link is: 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloody_Mary_(folklore)



The wiki version of this movie is: The film begins with a group of nurses at a psychiatric hospital daring a fellow nurse, Nicole, to go into the hospital's basement for a game of Bloody Mary. Playing what the others call "The Mirror Game", she releases the vengeful spirit and is snatched away. When Nicole is reported missing, her writer/reporter sister Natalie decides to investigate on her own.

As the film progresses, more people are killed by the spirit of Bloody Mary (Richard Valentine) in gruesome ways while Natalie uncovers clues about the truth behind her sister's disappearance and Mary herself. Near the end, almost all of the main characters are dead except for Natalie, who discovers that Bloody Mary is actually her mother.

Okay stop stop STOP! While I appreciate that they tried to be brief with a bad movie (and snicker that Bloody Mary was a guy) this is really - not it. Mix in with the above some weird stuff about Mary being some kind of spirit you must 'believe in' to, I dunno, not get killed (though many do anyway). Oh and you have to be totally naked in front of the mirror 'cause... umm... 'cause then guys have a reason to watch it.

Also, those that 'serve' her get this disgusting looking skin condition that's never explained and nowhere did I see (and I did pay attention people) that Mary was supposed to be Natalie's mom. That makes absolutely no sense. That would mean Mary was Nicole's mom and so she killed her own daughter but spared the other one? Pffft.

Also the cop helping her is attacked by a doc in gloves and so shoots him. Umm, gun vs. gloves? Is that even... you know what, never mind. There are a hundred Bloody Mary movies or shows out there (even if they call her something else) so... yeah.


Wages Of Sin (2006): We get it, WE GET IT. If you're religious in a horror movie you are also a lunatic, a liar, a murderer, a psychopath and the main plot. Duh. And since the movie has no original thought in it, why should they name it something interesting? Just getting the IMDb (I always check my facts, 'kay?) I found five movies with that name in the first five seconds. Duh again.

This movie had horrible cinematography and the soundtrack wasn't much better. The way they held the camera on things they wanted to make sure we noticed was like getting swatted on the nose with a newspaper. Duh to the third power.

The story isn't any better: Sue, an adopted child, learns that her biological family is all dead and that she has inherited a house. Now it's at this point you need to say 'Sell that sucker - why do you have to go there?' To make a movie. A baaaad movie.

After a store scene where the camera practically knocked a guy in the face so you'd notice that he was walleyed (nice, make fun of a guy's appearance), Sue, her boyfriend and two other victims get to the house which is... not worth the trip. But she wants to 'learn about her past'. Why? There's a reason she was taken and adopted out, leave it alone why don't you.

Nope. The movie slows almost to a stop as we get into soap opera territory. Not kidding. If you've ever watched soap operas (I must admit for a time years ago I was so hooked that when we moved I jumped up and down until the TV was working so I wouldn't miss a day.) you know how the camera work goes: The guy talks, the camera is almost up his nose. The girl talks, cut away to another camera that also is almost up her nose. And on it goes.

Despite the roaring fire and the heat in the house, their breath is clearly visible through most of the movie. So they suffered from cold while making this? Serves 'em right.

The fun (I'm being sarcastic) really steps up a notch when the Ouija board comes out. That's always good for a laugh and a cheap plot device to show how her friends become 'possessed' by... I don't know. The psycho preacher?

The punchline is her father was a psycho preacher (this is not really an UL, there are a billion stories like this), she was a twin, and her mother had the two of them out of wedlock (Gasp!). So apparently along with being a psycho his dingly-dangly didn't work so good? They don't explain this and you don't really care.

The mother and her twin are murdered for their 'sin' and somehow Sue got out, not remembering anything and being adopted out. Uh huh.

Oh and movie-making guys? If you make a horror film and show an abandoned house that somehow still has a working freezer full to the top with meat, we're gonna guess in the first five seconds that it's human. Having the college kids eat it though was fun, thank you.

Oh and the lack of continuity was fun too, thanks. The remaining living kids peel off in their car in pitch dark, only to wind up at the house - in daylight. Frustrated they take off again - in pitch dark and wind up at the house... say it with me... SAY IT... in daylight.

At the end she is the only one out and somehow ends up at a hospital nine months preggers and her doc is... now I really don't have to tell you, do I?

If this WAS an urban legend of some kind and I'm missing the point somehow, let me know - I'll gladly print it. But for now, to me it was just a blanket treatment of every other psycho preacher story that's repeated a thousand times in other horror movies and books.

And fortunately that's all folks and more of my horror worksheets (patent pending) are now in the recycle bin, kind of like this DVD should be...

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