A BLOODY BREAK WITH THE HISTORY OF BLOODY GORE AND A BLOODY BLAST AT YOUNG BLOODY FILMMAKERS AND THEIR BLOODY CGI! (CAUTION: THERE! WILL! BE! BLOOD!!!)







Where Was I?

As I've promised (several times), a review of the opus Kill Bill Volumes 1 and 2 is coming. It's not a blow-by-blow review (or else it would be a small book), but a critical view of what I thought was great, good, iffy, horrible, and downright stupid about the two movies. 

"NOW GO HOME TO YOUR MOTHER!"

I had to wait on the review for just a bit, because I found out that it was not presented as Quentin Tarantino wanted it to be (the censors got at it between the showing at the Cannes Film Festival in 2003, and what audiences saw afterward in theaters). So that changed my perspective about certain things, but there were still plenty of points that I thought were just bloody awful so...

Speaking of blood.

Nightmare On Elm Street

While working on the damned thing, I got off on a tangent, as I always do. I wasn't feeling well (natch), the dictation software was giving me fits (either I had stopped speaking English or it decided that it preferred Klingon), and even the hubby was giving some unsolicited advice that, though usually welcome, at that moment just made me want to chuck the whole thing. Which is why you're not reading it yet.

Speaking of blood.


I actually MADE my hubby sit and watch the infamous nightclub katana sword fight scene from Kill Bill 1. There were so many of the different elements (good, bad, stupid, etc.) in just that one sequence I thought he'd enjoy it... nope. I did get the chance to show him that Quentin apparently thought that human blood in the body is kept at an extremely high pressure, like a fire hose, so something like losing an arm (or a head) can cause a spray equal to kids breaking open a fire hydrant on a hot day. But I digress about digressing.

Speaking of blood.

NOT from Kill Bill...

So I wondered - with this two-movie opus, did Tarantino break any records with the use of fake blood? I decided to look around. Now my "findings" are not all inclusive of course - you probably know of a particularly bloody film that seemed to uses gallons of the stuff - all those produced before CGI of course. AND there is great debate on the amounts used so this contest may be invalid altogether but that never stopped me before.

Speaking of blood.


How much do I hate CGI? Let's put it this way: After watching one heavily CGI'd zombie movie (no it was not World War Z) I read a comment by a parent who said, basically, "Finally! A zombie movie I can let my children watch that is not just blood and guts." And there's your answer.

Speaking of blood.

...except maybe this guy.

Waaay back in the old days (she said drawing up her shawl and knitting needles) people died usually without much fuss, maybe a blood spot on the clothes, and the requisite drip of blood from the corner of the mouth. Blood meant death, no matter how small the amount. Character has a bloody nose? Gonna die. Blood when they cough or sneeze? Gonna die. I'm surprised they didn't try to convince their audiences that women actually were gonna die a little each month (actually that's not far off from the truth)...

Speaking of blood.

Audiences changed - which meant that the horror genre (where most of the blood was spilled) had to change. They wanted more - and more realistic. Enter the great makeup and special effects geniuses that made horror just so, so awful (which means they made it lots of fun to watch): 


Rick Baker. In my opinion, he made the absolute best werewolf I have ever seen (and the scene of a man morphing to werewolf) in An American Werewolf In London (1981) - it has not been done better, even with all the so-called advances. And I loved the poor, ever decaying friend Jack. This is an early picture of Baker making the original 'Baby' from It's Alive. His credits are way too numerous to count, his talent huge, and his fans, lots and lots (sorry to be so technical).

Greg Nictero. He and his eeeevil minions did such a wonderful job on the Evil Dead series. He formed the K.N.B. EFX Group which has worked on hundreds of projects - and no CGI, so there! And you can't mention Nictero without...

Tom Savini. He is the epitome of special effects (and the sexiest man ever born). He is known as the Godfather of Gore, The Sultan Of Splatter, The Come To My Bedroom And I'll Show... whoops, sorry. Ignore that last one. Starting as a makeup artist (that sounds really tame - it's not) he eventually branched out to acting, directing, producing, even doing stunts. 

The picture above is an early one of his work on the original Jason Voorhees for Friday The 13th. But back to special effects: Savini's 'process' is so revered, he runs the 'Tom Savini's Special Make-Up Effects Program' in Pennsylvania. His age may be greater than even mine (blush) but he is just one of those guys who'll be handsome when they're 1,000 years old - I'll wait.

Speaking of blood.


Dick Smith. This is getting too long (natch) but I'd be an idiot not to include at least Dick Smith, the reason why people cowered (or just plain vomited) during The Exorcist, watched a freaking HEAD explode in Scanners, and, despite all the titles Tom Savini has rightfully gathered for himself, it is Smith who is considered the Godfather Of Modern-Day Special Effects Makeup. His work didn't just include horror, but Taxi Driver, Little Big Man, The Godfather and countless others... the guy is just freaking sweet.

Speaking of blood.

See how easy it is to become distracted? I am typing this by hand 'cause I thought it'd be short - now I'll be moaning and wrapping my wrists, and gulping down the pain pills for the rest of the week.

Speaking of blood.

SO. Who is the champion of Most Fake Blood Used In A Single Movie? I was wondering if it was Kill Bill (considering the people with gallons of high pressure blood in 'em, and Uma slices up an awful lot) but I remembered a couple of earlier movies so I'm just doing A COUPLE of movies and how much fake blood was used. If my pick for 'Most Blood' is incorrect, please send a message - I am pleased to look things up and if I'm wrong, I have no problem with saying so. SO.

Speaking of blood.

The Shining (1980): I'm leaving Stephen King out of this one (Why not, Family Could Brick did... hmm? What was that? Oh, that's how my freaking dictation software kept insisting on spelling Stanley Kubrick, which is why I'm typing today.), which sucks 'cause it's King's story - please read the book, especially now that the book Dr. Sleep (the sequel) is out which, as far as I've gotten in it, is just soooo cool. But despite the movie's many flaws and conspiracy theories it had a doozy of a fake blood scene. A couple hundred gallons of the stuff sounds wild enough.

Speaking of blood.

But Family Could Brick insisted that the first two takes weren't 'real' enough and insisted on a third. So mop up the muck and try again, right? Nope. Each take took so long to set up that before Family Could Brick was satisfied, a WHOLE YEAR had gone by... and it was bloody but still extremely flawed. Check out the video of it - not only is the elevator... strange, but the mechanism that both propped open the door and made the blood shoot out from floor to ceiling quite clearly flops onto the floor. So much for dissin' old Stephen, huh Could Brick?

Speaking of blood.

In 1984's A Nightmare On Elm Street, a Wes Craven masterpiece and a starting point for several now-famous actors and actresses (the bedroom scene is shown above), the total amount of fake blood used for the movie (which was shot in 30 days) was over 500 gallons. According to sources that is. If you know of a different number, do tell.

Speaking of blood.


1992, a not-quite-world-famous-yet Peter Jackson made a little film in New Zealand (actually he made quite a few but I digress times infinity), called Braindead (Dead Alive for those lucky enough to see it in the States). It was dismissed as just a gross-out for the sake of being gross... until LOTR. THEN all of a sudden it became a 'cult classic'. Hmm. Being about nasty zombies from a bite spread by a Sumatran Rat-Monkey, the movie has since become discussed and debated (excuse me) to death.

Who the hell cares about if they used the same cemetery from The Frighteners (another Jackson film) or if the priest says 'ass' or 'arse'? I wanted to know how much fake blood was used. The amount passes up anything made up to then or since, even if I went with the low estimate of 5,000 gallons to the whopping post-production estimate of 20,000 gallons. That's... quite a mess. But fun. 

In one of the last scenes of DA, Lionel (our hero) uses a plain, one blade lawnmower as a zombie dismemberment machine. It is said that the lawnmower sprayed out five gallons of fake blood per second. Believe what you want, I'm just glad they kept the mess mostly to one room (okay, set).

Speaking of blood.

So Kill Bill (2003 and 2004), pales in comparison (pun intended) using only a couple hundred of gallons. Huh. So who's the winner? Depends on who you believe.

...umm, this is Ash in Evil Dead 2 by the way...

There are sites that claim (and I'm not buying it 'cause I've seen both movies) that the reboot of Evil Dead (2013) kicks ass for the Lord on a much greater scale than Braindead, using 'over 50,000 gallons' of fake blood. Uh huh. But this same source also claimed that Braindead only used 1,000 gallons. Not. Even. Close.

Speaking of blood.


Am I being totally obsessive about my love of red, messy, squishy, pulpy gore in my movies? Lets have a couple of bad examples, shall we? There are no GOOD examples of CGI. First, in the reboot of Fright Night (2011), a woman who has 'turned' exploded in the sunlight right next to Charlie (the, uh, hero) and yet not a drop of blood, guts, skin, clothes, etc. hits him, the lawn, or anything else. WTH? Second, there's been a couple of zombie films (which I refuse to name) in which zombies are blown apart and... evaporate, because there is absolutely not a shred of evidence that they were even there in the first place.

Yup. Give me my pulp, my mess, my icky sticky red stuff. You want CGI? Play video games.


Note: Goddammit now my whole column is blown. I just read (and this is unconfirmed but knowing the Whedonverse it is conceivable) that they used an impossible 200,000 gallons of fake blood in their 2012 movie The Cabin In The Woods. Somebody please write me to tell me this is wrong... still, it was an awesome movie that I faithfully watch several times a month...

ONE LAST MOVIE I SAID I WAS NEVER GONNA WATCH BUT HERE WE ARE AND DAMMIT I'M GOING TO BITE THE BULLET AND REVIEW THIS SUCKA



Fright Night (2011)

In 1985, year of such wonderful movies (according to me in alphabetical order) as Back To The Future, Better Off Dead, The Breakfast Club, Clue, Day Of The Dead (well, meh), Enemy Mine, The Goonies, Just One Of The Guys (I love Clayton Rohner), Kiss Of The Spider Woman (I'm throwing that in there to sound sophisticated - I really didn't watch it), Ladyhawke (I love Rutger Hauer), Re-Animator (I love Jeffrey Combs), Real Genius (With the REAL Val Kilmer), Silver Bullet, Silverado (I love Jeff Fahey), St. Elmo's Fire (I love... none of these guys), Weird Science (I liked Oingo Boingo, you'd know him better as Danny Elfman), Witness, Young Sherlock Holmes...

What was my point? Oh yeah, in this year of a freaking TON of movies that I've only listed a few of, there was one that was a fave even though I didn't crush on any of the actors in it. Fright Night. Starring Chris Sarandon and Roddy McDowall as well as a few others I'd never seen before, it was freaking sweet. It was silly, it was scary (in a not-give-you-nightmares kind of way), it was slick - I've seen it so often it's one of the movies I repeat the words to (which drives my hubby crazy) when I watch it every couple of months or so. The phrase 'You're sooo cool Brewster' was almost an 80's version of a meme. It. Was. Cool.

So hearing in 2011 they were remaking it I was not pleased. Finding out it was going to star Colin Farrell made me ill. Hearing it was going to be a DISNEY project induced projectile vomiting.

Note: It's 5/9/14 and I've been revamping (sorry) my blog and just now noticed that the 'new' Charlie Brewster is the same guy (Anton Yelchin) who plays Odd Thomas (reviewed 3/24/14). Yikes. 

So with heavy heart I start watching. The first thing I see is they have made late night hack actor Peter Vincent (McDowall) into a character like Criss Angel. I stopped the movie, got out some whiskey and Tums (can't have one without the other unless I want to see the new year with a gut on fire and my head swollen to three times its size), took a deep breath and tried again.

Gaaaaak. Had to come up for air. Really? They're really doing this? Evil Ed (here played by the guy from Kick-Ass), one of the funniest characters from the first movie, the psycho weirdo who everybody thinks is a total spaz is now the BRAIN? He's the one figuring everything out? Ugh. And he said it. In practically a deadpan voice, 'You're so cool Brewster'. SACRILEGE!!!! If this gets any worse I'm gonna be typing in Captain Kirk mode and. every. word. will. have. a. period. Seriously. I was almost relieved when he bites it (sorry) twenty minutes in.

What do I have against Colin Farrell? Um, hard to explain - he's in a category of MEN I WOULD NEVER LET TOUCH ME THAT OTHER WOMEN SEEM TO FAINT OVER. There's lots of them and they all seem to be pretty popular: Ryan Reynolds, Owen Wilson, Chris Hemsworth (well okay he was pretty good in The Cabin In The Woods but given a choice between him and Loki...), Channing Tatum, Robert Pattinson, Henry Cavill, Christian Bale... hmm, maybe I should stop, I'm running low on Tums.

Huh? Oh yeah, the movie. Well it had some interesting bits - the scene where Charlie breaks into Jerry's house, rescues one of his victims, spends about an hour (not really but it felt like it) sneaking her out of the house (good tension and suspense, just went a little long) just to have her explode into CGI'd gore when they reached a sunny spot (Note to makers of CGI effects: It's NOT REALISTIC if the gore DOES NOT HIT THE GROUND OR THE PERSON STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE GORE, OK?) was not so bad. Charlie is left to slink home while Jerry, knowing full well he was there just grins and drinks his beer and eats his apples (That was a thing in the 1985 version too - what was it about the apples?).

So Charlie is a believer, his mother is not, his girlfriend isn't talking to him so his next step: Contact Criss Ang... umm I mean Peter Vincent (David Tennant, a face I was actually glad to see - he was one of my favorite Doctors on Doctor Who). He of course turns out to be a foul mouthed faker who kicks Charlie out without hesitation. Nice digs though.

Charlie begs his mom and girlfriend to believe him when Jerry shows up at the door asking to be let in. This changes the movie up a bit. We're 56 minutes in and Charlie's mother begins to see what her son was worried about when Jerry, told to go away, instead begins to dig up her back lawn. And their gas pipe. The special effects for this part were pretty good. Got to give them kudos for the best part: Jerry, riding Charlie's dirtbike, launches it into the air, crashing it into the back of their van and almost killing Amy. That was... not bad at all.

And then the nausea returned to me full force. Driving down the highway after first crushing Jerry into his own truck (didn't work of course) then slamming on the brakes 'cause he's clinging to the undercarriage of the van and punching his way through, they're rear ended by a car going at full speed. The driver stumbles out... and it's Chris Sarandon (the original Jerry Dandrige). I had to stop watching for a while. That was dirty pool.

Fortunately (for Chris) he's killed in about two minutes. Unfortunately Colin was not. Fighting with Charlie over a cross proves worthless but he doesn't appreciate mom slamming a Century 21 sign (nice product placement guys) through his chest. Does she hit his heart? Pffft...

As Charlie and his girl watch over his mom in the hospital, Peter Vincent in movie-style timing happens to pick up a picture Charlie had left there and low and behold, it means something to him. He calls Charlie (And he got Charlie's number how?) and they have the break-the-tension-by-using-backstory time while Peter tells them what he knows. Precious little. Mostly that Jerry is of a particularly nasty breed of vampires (There are breeds? New one on me.). And here comes Ed - now of the long-toothed breed. But still not funny.

He and Charlie fight, leaving Amy to deal with Jerry. I like that she had more on the ball than in the original - they had portrayed her as a whiny, neglected girlfriend and then victim but in the remake she stands on her own and fights. That was something anyway. She finds holy water (duh) and throws it in Jerry's face, then helps Charlie kill Ed (again). In the original Ed got to shapeshift into a wolf and go out with a bang - here he just falls to a heap of ash on the floor. Meh. And where's Criss... dammit I mean Peter Vincent through this whole thing (And wouldn't a Vegas showman pick a fancier name?)? Locked safely away in his 'panic room' watching the show. Bad bad boy Dr. Who - shame on you.

Since Jerry is so nasty, the holy water is just a temporary inconvenience and besides, we have 30 minutes of film to go. The two survivors run into a club and the unce unce unce music is horrid - how do kids dance to that for hours? They don't. Ever watch a club scene? They hop up and down - that's about it. Anywho, the two get separated in the crush of the crowd. Jerry catches Amy and bites her. Okay that's dumb. In public? Must be something about the 'nasty breed' Peter was talking about. Amy is his now.

Charlie goes back for Peter. Instead of refusing to help him 'cause he's only an actor (and a coward) as in the original, they make it more stupid - not only were Peter's parents killed by a vampire, they were killed by Jerry. Okay we've slid from almost good back to massive duh country. But also in movie duh style because his parents were killed he's been collecting religious artifacts all his life - one being a 'blessed stake'. Here come the Tums again, I better find that second bottle.

Charlie gets supplies from an army surplus store and here we go. Waiting for sunlight he storms the house. As in the original movie, Peter Vincent decides to help him at the last minute, 'Let's kill something.' Sure, just do it a little faster, please. Down in the basement Charlie is locked in a room with Amy as Jerry prepares to kill Peter. Ah geez - Colin Farrell says the other best line in almost a monotone, 'Welcome to Fright Night - for real.' Dammit Chris Sarandon had a whole lot more style than that sucka.

Okay the next part was - pretty cool. Jerry hits Peter in the head with a pebble, drawing a bead of blood. As soon as it hits the ground, here comes Jerry's, uh, pack I guess you'd call 'em. And the world of CGI pumps it up some more as Jerry's previous victims literally come out of the walls. They descend on Peter and start snacking while Charlie gets knocked around a while by his girlfriend then runs to take on Jerry. And here it gets stupid again. Was this the basement of the house or not? I mean they're in a sort of reinforced cave, they climbed down the stairs in his house to get there - yet when shots are fired at the ceiling there's the light of day coming through?

Sigh. Let's just finish this, okay? Peter had told Charlie that since Jerry's kind of vampire is a super duper hard to kill kind he would have to be stabbed in the heart while on fire. Uh huh. That was just a setup for the last bit of CGI nonsense. At the surplus store (because they have tons of them just lying around) Charlie had bought a fire suit and puts on cap and goggles while Peter lights him up. He then jumps on Jerry and we get several minutes of CGI'd flying around as Jerry tries to get away from the fire. Peter manages to shoot a hole directly above Jerry's head so he's getting it from two sources. With his chest on fire his heart is revealed and Charlie shoves the sacred stake through it.

We get another CGI'd scene of a vampire blowing up, blood going everywhere - except on Charlie, the floor, the other people in the room... sigh. With the permanent death of Jerry, all the victims who came out of the walls, Amy, and the much-bitten Peter who had started to turn himself all become human again. In the end, Peter Vincent lets them use his penthouse for Amy's deflowering. Aaaaaand scene.

Ick, okay I did it. It was stomach turning but I did it. What? There's gonna be a Fright Night 2 remake? Excuse me, I need to take a trip to the liquor store...

And that does it for me for the year - everyone keep safe and keep sane.

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies

SLEEP FRIGHT, SLEEP TIGHT...

Fright Night (1985)
Fright Night II (1988)

There are some movies that just become part of your favorites for life because they were just so much fun to watch. Toward the top of mine is Fright Night.

The 80's saw a lot of teen movies in every genre. So although this was to be a horror movie, it centers around a high school kid Charlie Brewster (William Ragsdale) who has an obsession with horror (hey, my kind of guy) and his favorite TV show Fright Night is hosted by the 'great vampire killer' Peter Vincent (done with style and humor by Roddy McDowall. I miss you Roddy.). His girlfriend Amy (played by a young Amanda Bearse, later of Married With Children fame) is frustrated by his seeming lack of attention.

One night he sees new neighbors moving in next door. To his consternation, the two men seem to be carrying a coffin into the house. Being a teenager he proceeds to tell everyone he knows and the police what he suspects but, being a teenager and the typical teen movie he is altogether ignored.

His new neighbor Jerry Dandrige (played by the every smooth Chris Sarandon - the 80's was really his decade to shine) hears of this and decides to pay Charlie a visit. He offers him something he himself says he doesn't have - a choice. Forget him, or lose everybody he loves.

Again, being a teenager, Charlie can't just keep his nose out of other people's business. Despite the lack of support from his girlfriend and 'Evil Ed' (played hilariously by Stephen Geoffreys) he seeks out the help from the only person who he knows can help him - Peter Vincent, the famous vampire killer himself.


Peter, of course, is a total fraud. No, that's not fair. He's an actor. He's done these movies for years but doesn't believe in a single bit of it nor should he. So of course he takes Charlie's ramblings as the silliness of youth - only promising to check it out when offered money for the job.

They confront Jerry - Peter being totally apologetic, Charlie accusing. Peter gives him 'holy water' (he assures him it's just tap water) to drink to 'prove' he's not a real vampire. All goes well until, I guess to move the story along, he happens to look in a prop mirror and notices Jerry has no reflection. Gulp.

He reacts predictably - he's gonna skedaddle out of town. After a lot of convincing, he agrees to help Charlie who now how has rescue his girlfriend, seduced by the ever suave Jerry (a little creepy since she's an underage high school girl) and has lost his best friend to the 'evil'. They gather crosses, stakes and holy water (Jerry must be Catholic like all good vampires) and they set out.

Again, I just adore Chris Sarandon. He appears casually, announcing "Welcome to Fright Night. For real." The battle is intense, cliche's notwithstanding, the girl is saved and Peter and Charlie have triumphed. I was almost sad about that - I kind of wanted Chris to win this one.

Highly watchable and very memorable - I see it every chance I get.

Horror movies were picking up steam in the late 80's and so were sequels. So in 1988 we have Fright Night II. Charlie and Peter still keep in touch although Charlie is now in college with a new girlfriend (Alex, played by Traci Lind). Charlie has also been convinced by his therapist (they're always spoiling things) that Jerry Dandrige was simply a serial killer whom he only thought was a vampire.

Peter loses his job on Fright Night to a newcomer to town, a very sultry woman named Regine (Julie Carmen, a real beauty who I've only seen in one other movie, The Mouth Of Madness, but surely has been in others). She brings a pack of cronies with her (for comic relief more than anything) and starts her stalking of Charlie Brewster. After Charlie conveniently cuts himself shaving, Regine takes advantage and visits him though he's unaware of it, feeding off of the cut and making him a slave-like groupie of sorts.

Peter Vincent soon realizes that Regine too is a vampire. He's not happy about this (but still hilarious to watch). He can't convince Charlie though, a reversal of the first movie.

A few comic diversions and some silly incidents murk up the movie in the middle. It's not as tight or well written as the original, but then again sequels seldom are.

Finally it's revealed that Regine is actually Jerry Dandrige's sister (ewwww, that a little too close of a family - who sucked on who?) seeking revenge for his death.

The battle is good, not as good as the first but still good. Evil seems to be vanquished, the heroes triumph, and the movie is over.... but room is left for a possible third (which never surfaced).

Oh yes, they had the audacity to remake this movie last year. Not cool. I don't even like Colin Ferrell even though for the life of me I couldn't tell you why. What is Fright Night without Roddy, without Stephen, without Chris Sarandon? I didn't want to find out. It was just one of over 50 movies that have been or will be remade starting last year and continuing through 2013 (I hear Colin is also in the remake of Total Recall - ewww). I would say don't bother but women seem to get hot and heavy over Colin Ferrell so just watch at your own discretion.