WE INTERRUPT TRULY HORRIBLE FILMS FOR A CLASSIC THAT HAS BEEN REPEATED BUT NEVER IMPROVED AND THEY SHOULD JUST STOP TRYING...

Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (1956)

Listen up, cause I'm only telling you this once. I'm not bedtime story lady, so pay attention. It's 1956. The world is scared of communism and McCarthyism. You see, a while ago these pods started showing up. Bam, total devastation. End of the world as we know it. Everybody looks the same but nobody acts the same and they're all as emotionless as Barbie and Ken dolls. So it ain't all bad. 

Okay, I stole a bit of Tank Girl's monologue there, sorry. But that pretty much sets up a movie that is definitely before my time believe it or not. BELIEVE IT! It was a time of a kind of paranoia that hasn't been seen since... okay, people were just as paranoid then as in any other time in history. 

They just seem to find different things to be paranoid about. Between the two 'isms' they seem to be afraid of, the main gist is they didn't want to be in a world where their brains were taken over, or they were told how to think. I guess both those things are really the same.

And yet today kids listen to rap/hip hop music that tells them EXACTLY what to think and want: Money, drugs, alcohol, and sex - not necessarily in that order. Oh and that all women must be loose, with huge, umm, assets and very little clothing.

This movie has been redone three times since the original. I saw the 1978 version with Donald Sutherland and Brooke Adams when I was small (I am NOT THAT OLD PEOPLE!) and frankly the only thing I remember is Sutherland pointing and screeching at the end. Next they screw with it and called it 'Body Snatchers' in 1993, and a FOURTH screwing with the formula simply called it 'The Invasion' in 2007.

I've read where they have a colorized version of the original - nah, that would ruin it. It looks much more... grim and serious in black and white somehow.

The story was not supposed to be so hopeful - I'll explain that in a minute - but the studios wanted happy, happy, happy and so against their better judgement, the scriptwriters adjusted the movie. I don't need to tell you the plot... oh I do? Okay.

Somehow, somewhere, these pods show up (looking like giant fat doobies) and if they're near a human being, they start taking on the likeness of them and when the human falls asleep, it awakes and they... you know, they never really said what happens to the humans when the pods 'wake up'... maybe they just disappear in a cloud, I dunno.

This movie starred Kevin McCarthy as our hero, a small town doctor who realizes his town is fast becoming something - alien. Kevin was always very handsome, even in his later years. You may remember him from Twilight Zone: The Movie in 1983 where he played Uncle Walt in the segment 'It's A Good Life'. He died in 2010 at the age of 96. His girlfriend is played by Dana Wynter, a German actress with quite the impressive list of accomplishments as well.

It was a shocker looking up the actor's list, especially when it came to an ancillary character, Teddy Belicec. I didn't even recognize her - and I should have immediately. I may not be old enough for this film or the TV series but I should at least have recognized Carolyn Jones - who most know as Morticia Addams in The Addams Family (1964-1966). Her list of films and televisions appearances take up quite a large page.

So. A wild-eyed McCarthy is detained by police and medical authorities as being out of his head when he claims that his town, Santa Mira, has become the home of pod people and they're gonna spread the things across the country. And in flashback...

The original story (and movie) is a very good one. Being a movie in the 50's means all the men are in suits and ties, the women in dresses and looking like they're getting ready for a party. Oh and something else interesting. Miles Bennell (McCarthy) is reunited with an old flame, Becky Driscoll (Dana Wynter). They both had been married to other people. But then...

Miles: "When did you get back?"

Becky: "I got back from London two months ago. I've been in Reno."
Miles: "Reno?"
Becky: "Reno. Dad tells me you were there too."
Miles: "Five months ago."
Becky: "Oh, I'm sorry."

Apparently in 50's speak, when you spend time in 'Reno' that's means you're getting a divorce. Nice reputation for Reno to have. And what a polite way to tell each other that they're free and interested.

But people are freaking right and left 'cause they swear their loved ones aren't anymore. And they're not talking about needing a trip to Reno. These people just plain are not who they say they are anymore.

That same evening Bennell's friend Jack Belicec finds a body with his physical features, though it's not fully developed; later another body is found in the cellar of Becky's home that is a copy of Becky. When Bennell calls Kauffman to the scene, the bodies have mysteriously disappeared and Kauffman informs Bennell that he is falling for the same hysteria. The following night, Bennell, Becky, Jack, and Jack's wife Teddy again find duplicates of themselves, emerging from large seed pods; they conclude that the townspeople are being replaced while asleep by exact physical copies. 

Again for the time this had some decent special effects yet some definite holes in the story. For one, there was no explanation of where the pods came from, and why they were able to absorb all your memories (and you) while you slept, AND where all the bodies that are no longer needed went.

In the original story, it ends with Miles, the only 'real' human left, fruitlessly trying to tell people that the PODS ARE COMING TO GET THEM!!!

1955 Ford Fairlane Town Sedan... Sweet...

Buuuut to keep things 'happy' we get a slightly different beginning so that the whole story is a flashback and before Miles can be committed, they find out he's telling the truth and start calling for... uh... everybody I guess. And there we see a relieved Miles and that is the end of his tale.

It is truly a good movie (don't bother with the others - well, the '78 version was pretty good) and an interesting look at the attitudes and the other quirks of those living in the 50's. Great cars too.

                        

THE FIFTY MOVIE MARATHON OF PURE TERROR CLASSICS CONTINUES!

Pure Terror
Continuing on with 50 classic horror films whether you're ready or not. I've got the tape recorder, I've got the dictation software - let's see how I do. It can't be any worse than these movies were - woof, what stinkers!







DISC THREE, MOVIE ONE

Vendetta Dal Futuro aka Fists of Steel aka Hands of Steel aka Vendetta From the Future aka Atomic Cyborg (1986) Italy/US

This Italian science fiction piece of garbage is even more tragic in that not only is it very, very awful, but an actor actually died during one of the stunts for this movie. That's way way way too high a price to pay for this horrid piece of film. It's really too bad too, because I really like John Saxon. He is a great character actor who just happens to have the bad fortune of being in some really horrible films. This would be considered one of them.

I... don't know what to say about this one...

But first, a little respect for a talented man whose life was cut short when the helicopter he was riding in crashed in Arizona: Claudio Cassinelli, who's name was misspelled on the movie's page (I corrected that), was an Italian film, stage and television actor. He began his career in theater, later dedicating himself to film and television work. He was 46.

The movie synopsis: An international industrialist is determined to stop interference of ecological scientists in order to continue his profitable, but environmentally unstable practices, by sending his cyborg out to kill them. That's the synopsis, folks, it doesn't get any better than that. This cyborg is supposedly 70% machine, 30% human. Now if there are any sex scenes, I'd like to see where this 30% went.

Sorry about that, but when you have to watch a movie of this stinkitude, you go for what you can get. In this case, if it's a man with a little extra, no harm, no foul. So this movie (because of the environment, not because of, well, you know) would be under the category that I made up myself called and eat ghosts ploy Tatian. Wait a minute, that's my dictation software trying to say an ecosploitation movie. Hey, I'm going to like this machine-made stuff. The laughs come fast and furious. No, I'm lying. The only laugh I get is the title card, as they use this font in all capital letters that is so thick and horrible that if I hadn't already known the title, this title card would have been absolutely no help.

Whaddya mean I don't get to meet the Pope?

Going through the credits I noticed that John Saxon's name is not coming up. Finally, toward the end, it says, 'featuring John Saxon'. That probably means that Mr. Saxon was on vacation in Italy, they were shooting this movie, somebody recognized him and told him 'Hey Mr. Saxon, how'd you like your Italian vacation paid for?' And so, amid all the Italians in dubbed English, Mr. Saxon delivers approximately 5 minutes of dialogue in order to give this movie some kind of name to try to draw viewers. I don't think that it worked. Especially since it was painfully obvious that NONE of this film was actually shot in Italy. And Mr. Saxon was most likely in Disneyland when they approached him.

We're introduced to a character that I'm just going to call Sweaty Guy. Sweaty Guy sweats everywhere. His face is sweaty, his arms are sweaty, even the backs of his freaking hands are sweaty. Somebody please throw this guy a towel.

The movie isn't very clear of course, because that would mean they would need better scriptwriters, a better story, and more money. The bad guys send this cyborg out to kill some scientist that is not really explained, as this is apparently some sort of future Italy, where everything is filthy and messed up. In other words, Italy is now New Jersey. 

Just kidding, New Jersey actually can be pretty beautiful. No hate mail, please. Point being, and I do have one, that all of these so-called scientists and we know they're scientists because they're wearing scrubs, meet in a filthy hotel rooms like in the future there's no Holiday Inns or something.

The bottles? Oh they're to wring my shirt out in...

Why is this cyborg so freaking sweaty? He's wearing a long-sleeved shirt with a vest over it, and we can tell it's the 80's by the way, his hair is all nice and blow-dried. And yet, he sweats. Nobody else seems to be hot. Maybe it's not sweat, it's lubricant. Eww.

Now I don't even wanna know exactly where that 30% is and what it's made of. And now I can't eat my lunch. Oh my Lord, he just looked at his wristwatch, and his wrist is sweating! I am thoroughly grossed out. This is the most unattractive Stallone wanna-be character I have ever seen. 

Plus the acting is horrible because you're only as good as the person who dubs you and these 'dubbers' were horrible. How do they do that exactly? I mean, you're talking back and forth, one in Italian, one in English, and yet you're supposed to be having a conversation? How does that work? Those are the questions I would be asking if I gave a damn.

Sweaty Guy and his bitch-slap of death...

Mr. Sweaty Guy also has the unique fighting style. I call it the Bitch Slap method. When threatened, he crosses both arms over his chest, waits for the bad guy to get into range, then whacks them in the face with both arms. What a guy. That is so. Not. Cool.

So, Mr. Sweaty Guy finds the fellow in the wheelchair he supposed to kill because it's so manly for an able-bodied cyborg to pick on a poor old man in a wheelchair. Somehow, we don't quite see how, maybe he showed them his armpit or something I don't know, he kills him. He then climbs out a window to get away.

Does this look like freaking Italy to you?

I would tell you that there are exciting car chases, hot and lusty Italian babes, and lots and lots of nudity. After all, this is Italian, but nooooo. It was filmed in the US, so clothes on, people. What we get is Mr. Sweaty Guy taking us on a driving tour for no discernible reason. And it continues, and it continues, and I'm nodding off, and I don't remember what happened to me during about a half-hour, but I do know I have a slight headache.

Not only did Mr. Sweaty Guy fail to kill the old man scientist in the wheelchair, but as the paramedics are packing the injured geriatric up, making sure he has that miracle blanket that all paramedics give their patients in every movie you've ever seen, these paramedics also show an incredible ability to see through a patient's body. 

As they're about to leave, they inform his supposed bodyguards that he is in deep doody, as his spleen has almost ruptured and he's losing a lot of blood. Let me repeat that. His spleen. Has almost. Ruptured. Wow. I guess in Italy, paramedics are required to get a degree in ultrasound. Plus, since the old guy was red in the face and had a teensy tiny blood spot on his shirt, I don't think he lost all THAT much blood...

Meanwhile, Mr. Sweaty Guy is hot footing it out of town. He has gotten a new ride, and drives within the space of minutes through several types of terrain. None of them match. He turns off to drive through some woods (?!?) and passes a sign that says, and I shit you not, Caution Acid Rain Ahead. Oh, really? Acid rain only falls on a certain and predetermined part of a forest? Nowhere else? Wow. 

Anywho, Mr. Sweaty Guy ignores the sign and keeps driving. Soon the acid rain is eating a hole through the roof of his car. As it drips inside, it hits him, but of course, since he's a cyborg, there's no pain. Just lots and lots of sweat.

You know Mr. Sweaty Guy doesn't know what country he's in...

So by now you've got a be wondering, that is, if you're still conscious, who's behind his existence and his commands? What you mean you don't care? Oh, that's right, I'm supposed to care. This is where Mr. Saxon earned his vacation money (Shh, don't tell him, you'll spoil it). He is the head of the corporation that manufactured and commanded the cyborg to kill the old man in the wheelchair. 

Mr. Saxon's character's pissed off because he has to spend more time on screen, since the cyborg did not kill the old man. Now he has to find out why. We now find out that Mr. Sweaty Guy's actual name is Paco Queruak. Sure, whatever you say guys, not like I'm going to write that down or anything. Oh, wait. Dammit. I don't like Paco, so Mr. Sweaty Guy he stays.

Now I listen through minutes and minutes worth of my own voice telling me that nothing is happening in this movie. Why did I do that? I knew that I would only be irritating myself later. But I did it anyway. Apparently, there was so much nothing happening in this movie that I had an aneurysm or something and my speech center just wouldn't shut off.

Alright, I've had enough of this movie. I'm going through my recordings and it's just cyborg is made to kill scientist, cyborg does not kill scientist, cyborg runs away, big corporation chases cyborg, cyborg wipes out most of corporation's employees because despite having superior (and futuristic looking - sort of) weapons, they shoot like Stormtroopers. And then, finally, John Saxon, so he can get on with his vacation (wink, wink). How? "You can control a man's mind but not his heart!" says Mr. Sweaty Guy, and he rips Saxon's heart out. I'm not kidding.

Does Mr. Sweaty Guy live or die? Guess what? You get to watch the movie if you want to know, because I'm done.

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THE FIFTY MOVIE MARATHON OF PURE TERROR CLASSICS... WILL NOW CONTINUE!

Pure Terror


Continuing on with our little pack of 50 (yes that's a big five oh) classic (not necessarily good, but classic) horror films.The little pamphlet AND my little tape recorder has saved my butt 'cause it keeps me straight with what movie was shown. Each movie also has a short synopsis (thank goodness) so I know whether I've actually already seen (and reviewed) the movie or not. Unfortunately for the most part, it's not.

DISC TWO MOVIE THREE AND FOUR

The Thirsty Dead aka Blood Hunt aka The Blood Cult Of Shangri-La (1974) US/Philippines

Warning: This is a 70's era sexploitation film made once more (as a lot of them were) in the Philippines. The warning is that although that's what it's supposed to be, there are no women in bondage, no Foxy Brown (Pam Grier), no nudity whatsoever, and no reason to watch this movie. I'll make it very, very short.

Granny looks pretty hot, right?

They tease you with the opening of a girl dancing in a cage. But she's dressed. And she's probably your grandmother. Okay, calm down, maybe not YOUR grandmother, but she's somebody's grandmother. The news screams of a Hong Kong slavery ring grabbing women from Manila - yawwwwn. Hey, what do you want? When the main character's name is Baru and dresses like he's from the planet Weirdo, you get what you get.

Girls are snatched, transported via boat in the sewer until suddenly they're in what is probably the same freaking river in the jungle that every other 70's Philippines movie used. Then it's over the hill and through the woods to grandmother's house... wait. No, it's through the jungle and up the mountain where Baru keeps all the women he's been collecting - and blaming Hong Kong.

A heeeeeaaaaaaadddddd in a bbbbbboooooooxxxxxxx.....

And they're all following... oh for the love of GOD it can't be... it shouldn't be... FREAKING HELL IT'S ANOTHER HEAD IN A BOX!!! Obviously somebody has conspired against me, and disembodied heads in convenient carrying cases is now my fresh hell. Wow. Anywho, the head in a box-o is in charge of picking the leader of the group, which it does then slumps over. Let me say that again. A head. In a box. Speaks. Then slumps over.

This is way too bad, let me sum up. The Red Cross show up and bleed the ladies (kidding, it was the cult members) for the select other ladies to drink the blood to stay young. And, like other 70's movies, the captive ladies make a plan to escape, find out it's a bad plan, and only one makes it out. 

She brings the whole freaking police force (or whatever they have in the Philippines) but they won't climb the mountains - but the woman with Baru is able to see with her magic telescope made of a bundle of sticks down the mountain, through the trees, down the river and to the road to make sure they're (the bad guys I mean) safe. Old, but safe. The end.




The Amazing Transparent Man (1960) TV Movie

This completely gripping tale is about a rogue US Army Major who makes a scientist create a machine to make a man invisible so he can steal materials to make a man invisible. No I'm not changing that and it's not going to get any better either. BUT NO DISEMBODIED HEADS ANYWHERE!!! Just a stupid crazed experiment taking place in a remote house that looks just like it belongs to Norman Bates' mama. It's one of those movies where you walk right in, sit right down, grab a martini and a smoke. Every. Stinking. Time.

Best line of the movie (and don't be disappointed, this was just that bad): 'This will rip out your spine and roll it up like a ball of string.' I have no idea what that's referring to, but it's the most inventive part of the movie. That and the idea of strapping a guinea pig to a table to hold it still (you wouldn't get away with that today) while they irradiate it and keep it fresh forever... whoops, sorry a B52 lyric sneaked into there. They irradiate it and turn IT invisible first to make sure it won't kill the convict. How noble.

In short (too late) this turkey is about what I already put in the first paragraph - what, don't you pay attention? The nuclear materials Ulof (the scientist) needs to better his invisibility machine are extremely rare and kept under guard in government facilities. Krenner arranges the prison break of notorious safecracker, Joey Faust, to steal the materials he needs. Faust reluctantly complies since he's a fugitive and wanted dead or alive.



Faust continues attempting to escape and tries to get one over on Krenner by attacking him while invisible and running off. However, Dr. Ulof’s guinea pig dies when the female assistant announces she's pregnant - no wait, that's a rabbit, never mind. But soon after Faust finds that he can't control the visible/invisible schtick and we get stupidity that we can't see and then we can.

Faust decides he's had enough, "I'm getting all the guinea pigs outta this place!" He must have joined PETA. He's mainly pissed because the scientist tells him it will take more and more radiation to make him invisible, which will essentially make him a DEAD invisible man. Good.

Faust is more stupid than he looks and that's saying something. He decides to go for one last heist, a big bank robbery, because nothing's less suspicious than a money bag floating in the air, right? But, unfortunately, in the middle of the robbery he becomes visible. And, thankfully, also his clothes. 'Cause he's an ugly sucker. Really. No Kidding. 

Yeah, right.

Somehow he escapes anyway, rescues the woman and the doc, and finds out he's gonna die. So he's gonna take the others out too. He sets off the nuclear material which destroys the house completely but nothing else, and there's no radiation fallout. How convenient. How stupid. How long until the end of the movie? So Faust becomes an anti-hero but more importantly, he becomes MY hero because he ends the movie.

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FINALLY! FOR REAL! THE FIFTY MOVIE MARATHON OF PURE TERROR CLASSICS... WILL NOW CONTINUE WITH DISC TWO, MOVIE NUMBER TWO!

Pure Terror


Continuing on with our little pack of 50 (yes that's a big five oh) classic (not necessarily good, but classic) horror films.The little pamphlet AND my little tape recorder has saved my butt 'cause it keeps me straight with what movie was shown. Each movie also has a short synopsis (thank goodness) so I know whether I've actually already seen (and reviewed) the movie or not.



DISC TWO MOVIE TWO

Madmen Of Mandoras aka They Saved Hitler's Brain (1963 & 1969)

As I was going over, the famed Mandoras mountains,
I met with Fuhrer Hitler, and his nerve gas he was stashing.
I first produced my papers, and then produced my antidote.
Said 'I'm using this', so he killed me quickly.

Musha ring dumma do damma da
Whack for the Nazi 'ol
Whack for the Nazi 'ol
There's Hitler in the jar-o

I have to say that no movie that's this horrible has given me such fits as this one - especially because I micro-analyzed the damned thing but there was so much crap my mind shut down and I think I had a mini-stroke. Number one, I lost the review (got too delete happy on my recorder) and had to watch this turkey twice. Number two, this turkey is actually two separate movies - two very, very bad movies. 

This never happens...

In 1963, they came out with a movie called The Madmen of Mandoras. It wasn't a bad-in-a-fun-to-watch Plan 9 From Outer Space kind of way, just horrible. Also known (but not well) as Amazing Mr. H and The Return Of Mr. H. I guess using the name Hitler in the title was not PC for them in 1963. Apparently it was in 1969, though. So what the hell happened?

The original movie had a run time of 64 minutes - about 63 minutes too long. But unfortunately 64 minutes does not fill in two hours on TV, even with commercials. They needed 20 minutes more movie but the original people all were in hiding (kidding) so they asked some UCLA students if they'd like to play at being filmmakers 'cause hey, nothing could ruin THIS movie. They agreed. And so TSHB was born - with very VERY obvious patches between the earlier footage and the student's footage. That's not their fault, that's the fault of stupid movie production companies that think the American public will watch any crap put in front of their eyes. Nope. Just me.

TV version with laser gun (gun not included)...

There are so many mistakes, the music is horrible, the scenes don't even begin to blend together, and the movie is nearly half over before they even MENTION Nazis or Hitler's brain (which is actually Hitler's whole head) or a master plan.

The plot (meager as it is) is that there is a nerve gas that kills anything immediately that most nations already have. An antidote has been discovered and developed. Trouble is, the Nazis don't want that antidote to be available, so they can rule the world. Now in the movie they say that many countries already have the gas - nobody has an antidote. So how does destroying it lead to a master plan to rule the world? Pffft... this is a Nazi plot and they didn't do so well with their ideas in WWII either.

Let's talk about cars because it takes attention away from how awful it was to see this twice. The bad guys (who were not German) in the newer footage are dressed just like the Blues Brothers - black suits, hats, sunglasses. There's a reason for that which is revealed later. Unfortunately. They are riding in a black 1963 Lincoln Continental with suicide doors. This type of car was used in the original movie so they tried to keep it the same - they just didn't bother to make sure everything worked. One of the taillights in the '69 footage is burned out. 

There are two detectives that pop up for no good reason who are dressed as young people did in 1969. They inexplicably are looking into the plot - sort of. They separate - the one sits and reads a newspaper while his partner does the legwork in what looks like a Super Beetle. However those didn't come off the assembly line until 1971. Sigh. I hate trying to get the cars right but I'm kind of picky that way. Since this was definitely 1969 and I DID find a picture of a Bug with a rack from 1969 I'm sticking to that.

In a switch to the original movie, the ONE person who has the formula (massive movie duh) gets blown up when he gets in his car. The CID lab says the paperwork definitely was destroyed in the explosion. Oh really? Their 'lab' was sooo good that they could determine in a pile of twisted, burnt metal that plans for an antidote were destroyed? Wow. So those at the CID headquarters have to figure out what to do. CID must be for those agents who couldn't pass the CIA, CIB or CIC tests...

The 'leader' of the CID is reading a newspaper where in BIG letters it tells him of the man who got blown up only a couple of minutes ago. Great news coverage in that town. Trouble is, there's only a headline - no story. Oh there's stories on there, just not one fitting their headline. Whoops. Into the room steps one of the detectives - in a blow-dry haircut and mod clothes - quite different from the ones in the first scenes. Whoops again. 

Actually, that's the last 'whoops' I'm printing or this is gonna get very, very long. The blow-dry guy is sort of pissed because his partner turns out to be a woman. After they argue for a bit, he offers her some tea - which tastes terrible. He says 'I guess a man's place is not in the kitchen.' Somebody shoot me now! Better yet, shoot him. But noooo... it goes on.



Aaaaand I'm horrifically bored so I'll just say that these two inexplicable people die inexplicably quick so that we can switch to the original film where they show a couple get kidnapped for no discernible reason. They are then flown to Mandoras, a fictional island that is a none-too-subtle swipe at Cuba. 

There we see the ORIGINAL owners of the black Lincoln with suicide doors - which can apparently float really well since it made it clear from the mainland to the island. And they are no longer dressed as the Blues Brothers since they don't have to hide that they are two completely different actors. Ahhh, see? No? Don't worry about it.

Skip ahead skip ahead (pun DEFINITELY intended) we FINALLY see Hitler's head in a jar-o. He apparently got his acting cues from Charlie Chaplin, everything from the mustache up was right out of a Chaplin movie. Der Fuhrer looks pretty darn good for a head that's been in a jar for several decades. 

This is his Oscar-winning performance...

After more stuff happens that makes your eyes go glassy if you try to pay too much attention, we finally get a chase scene. Now, the only weapons the good guys have are grenades. And only a couple of those, so they have to make them count.

Pay attention military mucky-mucks: These grenades are not only capable of wiping out DOZENS of people in one boom, but their accuracy is spot on and they can blow up cars just as easily as people. And so the good guys use their laser guided.... um no. 



They used their 'good guy arm' thrown grenades to thwart Hitler's plot and save the day. We get to see a wax head in a jar melt a la Raiders Of The Lost Ark. And everyone laughs because there's nothing more enjoyable than a good afternoon of justifiable homicide.

Great toy for the kiddies!

AND I AM FINISHED WITH THIS MOVIE!!!! And for some reason, there are many, many references in movies, TV and songs connected with this stinker. There's no accounting for taste I guess.

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FINALLY! FOR REAL! THE FIFTY MOVIE MARATHON OF PURE TERROR CLASSICS... WILL NOW CONTINUE WITH DISC TWO!

Pure Terror

Continuing on with our little pack of 50 (yes that's a big five oh) classic (not necessarily good, but classic) horror films.The little pamphlet has saved my butt 'cause it keeps me straight with what movie was shown when 'cause when my brain mushes out (that doesn't even make sense, does it?) I sometimes completely lose where I've left off and what comes next. Each movie also has a short synopsis (thank goodness) so I know whether I've actually already seen (and reviewed) the movie or not. So far, unfortunately, it's only been one. This second disc has two movies worth a page apiece so:


DISCO TWO MOVIE ONE



The Werewolf Of Washington (1973)

The first time I watched this movie (because my fibro-fogged brain for some reason made me erase my notes on my recorder before I typed 'em up I had to watch this twice) I dismissed it as 70s schlock. The second time around however, I began to see and appreciate that, through the absurdity, the movie makers were making quite a statement about America and the government policies of the late sixties and early seventies. The President in the movie is supposed to be modeled after President Nixon with his 'out of control' Attorney General John Mitchell. Because this was released during the Watergate scandal, it gained quite a following and is considered a cult classic.

I must confess I learned a whole lot more about the White House and its' idiosyncrasies than I ever learned in school - and I didn't wanna either but I had to present this movie straight so... yeah. And please excuse some of the pictures - the movie wasn't in really great shape.

Jack and his eyebrows get a
silver headed walking stick.

The premise of the movie: Ambitious reporter Jack Whittier (Dean Stockwell and his eyebrows) schtups the President's daughter, gets tired of her and so persuades his boss to reassign him to Hungary where he meets a new girlfriend and plans to take her with him back to the US. Nice guy.

Jack and the President have a little bedroom talk...

So we've got Hungarian gypsies, one who is a werewolf and bites Jack. Jack kills him with a silver-headed walking stick. The police don't care. Jack returns to D.C. sans Giselle who disappears altogether from the movie and is never mentioned again. Because Jack had lied to the President's daughter that he was made to go to Hungary for being pro-establishment, the President decides to make him a press assistant.

Giselle who?

During the whole movie the President (who looks nothing like Nixon but repeats 'Let me make one thing perfectly clear' about a hundred times) moves about as if he's just one of the guys - no Secret Service, no security to speak of, and he just wanders around as he pleases. Jack tries to hook back up with the President's daughter but she got engaged to a psychiatrist. But that doesn't prevent her from flirting with him on the side. As a (small) running gag, every time Jack tries to talk to someone about his being 'cursed' by a werewolf with the Pentagram, invariably who he's talking to replies irritably, 'What does the Pentagon have to do with anything?' <Golf clap>

Sign of the Pentagon... err, I mean Pentagram.

While talking to a rich (and very drunk) outspoken woman at a party, Jack notices a pentagram on her palm. For this movie, that means she's the next victim. Yay. Now we've got an obvious plot device to know who dies next.

Guts? Her dress isn't even ripped...

Although he kills her at night and leaves her in a shopping cart in the parking lot of a supermarket, no one sees her until the middle of the next day. Maybe because her cart hit a car or something, I don't know. But this is the 70's idea of a woman who dies 'with her guts ripped open'. What you don't see 'cause it would have made this picture way too big, is a great product placement in the cart next to hers of Kellog's Special K cereal - how proud they must have been.

Wolfie travels in style...

Jack is getting desperate but the movie has a way to go yet so he doesn't do a whole lot about his situation. Plus there are more references to Vietnam, the Panthers, inequality between the sexes and races, and hippies and liberals to be made - probably not to be understood a lot unless you're a certain age. Even watching it twice I didn't understand a lot until I looked stuff up. Which I didn't want to do but hey, I suffer so you don't have to.

Apparently 'wolfing out' starts
by looking like Jack Nicholson...

I did notice that although there are lots of scenes of the front of the White House and Jack 'going to work' it never shows him actually stepping on the property. He's always either by the fence, or crossing the street in front of the White House. What, they too busy to throw a werewolf a bone and let him come in? And when he 'wolfs out' he actually looks pretty cuddly - they save a lot of money on costumes by having him NOT rip out of his suits (very distinguished looking werewolf) and he's also a fluffy whitish color - kind of a mix between a werewolf and The Shaggy Dog (don't send any hit men after me, 'kay Disney?).

We get prolonged scenes - two in particular that were both irritating and amusing at the same time is when Jack is in the White House bathroom (which is apparently set up like any business-type bathroom with stalls and everything) and since he's hiding in one, the President decides to get down on the floor to try to reach under to unlock the door... okay.

Another scene where the President attempts to get Jack to stop blubbering about being a fuzzy killer and concentrate on stopping the attacks on his policies and... oh whatever else he was talking about takes place in the President's private two-lane bowling alley. His ball gets stuck so we get a three stooges minus one scene of the two of them waddling down the gutters so as not to step on the lanes to retrieve the ball. I am not kidding.



Hmm? You heard there was going to be butt sniffing? All right, all right, I'll speed this up as much as I can. After overpowering the ONE guard at the bottom of the stairs in the White House basement, we discover that there's a whole freaking cheese making factory down there. Nah, I'm actually just kidding about that but this is some kind of huge manufacturing building with huge machines and a floor with a drain in it (ooh, what nastiness do they do down there anyway?) and it goes on for what seems miles. And then...


I'm getting pictures off the movie and I hear behind me 'What the hell is THAT? A mannequin?' Oh no no my dear hubby - what he has stumbled upon (now I have to kill him of course) is a secret lab that's apparently stashed deep within the bowels of the White House that contains all different kinds of human experiments... 

Is that Prince on the left?

We've got the guy in the cage on the left (the one my hubby noticed), a huge dude on a table covered with a sheet, leaving his HUGE booted feet sticking out, and, of course, Dr. Kiss (Michael Dunn - the guy from Star Trek?), a 3' 10" mad scientist who, for some reason, the werewolf likes... a little too much.

A little butt-sniffing between friends...

Now I was going to make a whole lot of jokes here, but since Dunn died of pulmonary heart disease the year this film was released (it came out, along with two of his other films, posthumously), all I'll say is that this werewolf liked him enough to revert to doggie behavior, complete with all the things that doggies do to people they like.

Eww dude you were just sniffing his butt!

That's all I was going to say about that part but then Google+, for whatever reason (do they have people searching photos and just making GIFs for no reason whatsoever?) took this photo and made it just that much more special... so I HAVE to include the face-licking part now...




The movie just kind of degrades from there. I know, I know, it didn't have far to go but it really does. Dr. Kiss tells the president he wants the werewolf captured alive (we see the lone gunmen and the werewolf, not at the bottom of the stairs, but instead in a long hallway they did NOT travel in) (sigh) and then he disappears into a stall of the kind of bathroom I remember we had as kids in Elementary School - you remember those? 



The huge round sink with water that shot from above in tiny streams when you stepped on the ring at the bottom? All that horrid dry powder soap? For you boys, the row of urinals? Apparently the White House of the 70's was really into school decor because several scenes are shot in suspiciously locker-filled, bland tiled hallways.



Then the doc disappears from the movie as well. Jack decides to end it all so he orders silver bullets but can only get one. He consults with his ex's new boyfriend about chaining him (to a wicker chair - that makes sense how?) but the plan falls apart when the President insists Jack needs to be with him for his most important speech on arms limitation agreement with the Chinese Foreign Minister (?!?).



The President sends a chopper to pick up Jack, who's somehow miraculously gotten out of all those chains, to be with him and the Foreign Minister - they explain away why it's not the official White House chopper by the President saying he has 'several choppers'. Nice save.

The CFM can see Jack begin to change and starts to exclaim that he wants off the chopper. The President is so clueless that he thinks the answer to the problem is to repeat a mangled Chinese phrase (the only one he knows apparently) to try to calm the man down. Nope.




Finally Jack jumps up, full-out wolfies, and attacks the President. There's a prolonged scuffle - nobody seems to care that the President is getting ripped up by a monster. No secret service, no protection.

Jack, still fuzzy, gets back to his apartment where his (ex?)girlfriend finally shoots him. Twice. That wouldn't be so bad but he only could get ONE silver bullet. Meh, at least he's dead.

Our last scene (if you can call it that) is listening to the President making a speech which ends with a howl. Wow, how exciting.

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