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Does Anybody Have A Pair Of Hands They're Not Using?


As you, faithful reader, have noticed, I haven't been around for a while. Well, not around here anyway. I've been so frustrated with these brittle sticks I call hands from my fibromyalgia, that I started making videos. I've decided to stick with them, not permanently, just until I find that magical can of oil that the Tin Man used to get around in the Wizard Of Oz. I've looked through hundreds of flea markets and haven't found it yet.

But on the good side I HAVE been keeping busy - or at least as busy as I've been able. I've even entered a contest for better equipment and hopefully a more streamlined process for making better videos:

I've desperately been trying to do a Craptacular Marathon, but making videos, believe it or not, takes a LOT more time than just typing out a review. And I do it without a script because I hate to just read stuff - there are some very popular YouTube channels where guys just put up a picture and read stories - and not even their own. They usually read Creepypastas - you know, those spooky stories that some take too seriously and some even think they're true... like the Tall Man. Duh.

I don't beg for likes or subscriptions - that's not what I'm doing it for. Trust me, if my hands worked properly, this is what I'd rather be doing. I have time to think, I have better jokes (usually), and I don't stutter or have to show my face to the world. Buuuuut... 

Just doing this much has made my digits cramp up so much I'll be applying heat and cold to them for the next week, without doubt. So my dear ones, please check out the video channel, not because I want to be popular, but to find out what you've missed and proof that I'm not just sitting on my butt and have forgotten about you wonderful people.


https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzMdloAsYemEgugm9wXQDyA



Meanwhile my readership numbers keep going up for which I am extremely grateful and hope that somehow I can pay more attention to my first love, this blog.

                         

WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL DID I JUST WATCH CRAPTACULAR MARATHON


Killer Instinct (2001)

I think I've figured out why my life is so incredibly boring - there's no abandoned mental asylum anywhere near where I live. Apparently they're absolutely everywhere and yet <sigh> the closest abandoned building I can think of used to be a gas station. And nobody ever died there - at least not that I know of. Let's see... well, with the economy being as it is, there's gotta be some place abandoned that's creepy... huh. Nothing. Where I live is just about as scary as... umm... as... oh yeah, this movie.

Incomprehensibly starring Dee Wallace Stone and Corbin Bernsen  in some subplot about gaining property and a business in order to bankrupt the town and collect the... whatever it makes. This is set while our usual gang of teenagers get set to break into their town's abandoned asylum (I am sooooo jealous!) where there were not only deaths, but a crazy doctor who abused a patient who was there for an illness so badly that the patient literally went completely nuts and became a murderer. Men of the town who were considered 'pillars of the community' got together and lynched the guy... uh wait. Didn't I just do this movie? No? This is yet another ripoff? Figures.

So we're jumped back and forth from a slasher story to a hostile takeover story. Does this sound logical or even interesting to you? Me either. In between the guys getting slaughtered one by one (Guys first huh? Saving the girls for last - that at least is a little different.) and Dee Wallace trying her best to look interested as she looks up the history of the town trying to find an angle to convince the people to sell I was yawning so hard my jaw popped.

And even if I didn't know which of the interchangeable barbie dolls was actually the killer I knew why. It was a duh scenario used dozens of times and this unfortunately was no exception. One of these vapid teenagers was the daughter of the man wrongly strung up on the asylum grounds. Now all those men just happen to be on the board of the company Fairchild is trying to take over in a stroke of incredible movie coincidence, just as all those board of director guys just happen to have kids THE SAME AGE that travel IN THE SAME GROUP as the so-called killer's kid. Uh, wouldn't they have known that? It was a small town - I don't think even plastic surgery is going to hide her in this group.

Oops, sorry - this is the video game. Which
I would MUCH rather have watched...

So she goes through the young kids, killing them to the last, emerging as the 'sole survivor' of a horrible tragedy. Which Fairchild has figured out by going through newspapers, which no one else in town apparently thought to do. So she knows damn good and well this kid has killed a whole group of people. AND as the murdered man's heir (he happened to be deeded the embattled company for some unknown damn reason) she will be able to overrule the board of directors and sell the company to Fairchild - in return for her silence. Oh what a wonderful lesson for the kiddies.

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WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL DID I JUST WATCH CRAPTACULAR MARATHON

Sickle aka The Slaughterhouse Massacre (2005)

A massacre is an incident where some group is killed by another, and the perpetrating party are perceived to be in total control of force while the victimized party is perceived to be helpless and/or innocent with regard to any legitimate offense. In other words, this title is total garbage. Oh there was a slaughterhouse all right, but this wasn't a massacre unless you want to consider it a massacre of the horror genre. Because this was a special kind of suck. It was that suck that makes you want to watch romantic comedies for the rest of your life as a way to clear the palate. Or get an extra large bottle of Jack.

We start this horrid piece with a couple making out. The 'Hollywood Goth' girl is supposedly into kinky situations to get her, uh, aroused. She wants to do it where things died - like in the slaughterhouse. Now we're supposed to believe that this girl with the $200 hairdo and makeup and who knows how much money spent on clothes wants to lay down on a wet, filthy cement floor. But she does and they get naked in short order... while I'm thinking of the ick she's lying in and squirming in disgust. Then cut away as there are screams as some off-screen psycho apparently chops 'em up. Supposedly.

The backstory: A girl is raped and killed, found in the slaughterhouse. A loner worker conveniently named Marty Sickle is blamed for the crime and the people gather and, not waiting for justice, string him up over an electrified tub full of water where they kill chickens. They leave, the rope snaps and the electrified water both burns him and turns him into the poor man's version of Freddy Kruger, sans razor hand. And on the anniversary of his death, if the proper 'Bloody Mary' type chant is used, he appears. Sigh.

So teenagers we care absolutely nothing about go to test it out, although one girl really doesn't want to but as you know, in horror movies girls have absolutely no rights and so she has no choice but to go along. Now if you want to see a review as fake as the fact that this is supposed to be about a 'massacre' check out the IMDb - apparently somebody thinks this movie is the teenage equivalent of Apocalypse Now or something.

One by one (thankfully there's only four) are chased by a sickle wielding dead Marty - must have been a magic sickle because that sucker couldn't cut grass but somehow it manages to slice one boy in perfect halves from the head down, cut one girl's head off, and another boy in two through the waist. Oh that was funny too (I'm twisted that way)... see the lower half was solid, looking like a side of beef, while the top half was all loose and runny... did they even belong to the same body? 

Anyway, one of the girls is pregnant so you know she's going to live. Oh, I almost forgot - our not-Freddy psycho tries the one liners that made Kruger such fun and they are so lame he might as well be speaking another language - it would have been just as scary.

So to sum up, no massacre, no good gore (in fact some was downright funny), some nudity and only a couple of killings do not a good horror film make. I couldn't even come up with a good drinking game for it.

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WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL DID I JUST WATCH CRAPTACULAR MARATHON

The Club (1994) Canada

Note: This is one of those movies that, for some reason, you've seen, hated, but somehow get hooked into watching again. This review combines the original with some extra stuff from 6/29/14. We're supposed to believe that this is a Senior High School Prom held in a castle (Casa Loma in Toronto) - you know, the prom that no one has had anywhere ever. I pretty much had this one pegged within the first five minutes and the rest of my review pad was filled by the first half hour. The second time I watched it I had a chance to see some actual good stuff, and some truly awful mistakes and funny goofs.

At midnight, because in Canada, Senior Proms go all night long, time stops and the only ones left are five students, one murderous teacher, and a strange, enigmatic person with sinister intentions.

Since this is made in Canada, we've got some Canadian-born favorites, including Kim Coates, a character actor I'll watch in almost anything, Zack Ward, who from his young debut as the bully in A Christmas Story to his portrayal as a Russian fighter in a Resident Evil: Apocalypse has always been fun to watch. 

A new one (to me) is the man who played John (who was supposed to be Cory Haim but that, uh, apparently didn't work out) by a man who goes alternately by J.H. Wyman and Joel Wyner. He is mostly a producer and writer and all around talented young (well, young to me) man.

So we quickly and briefly meet our five students who will be in the 'private party' for the rest of the evening: Evan and Amy, the goody two shoes couple, Kyle and Laura, the troubled we-should-have-broken-up-months-ago couple, and loner Darren (who was rockin' some really cool wavy hair). Everyone is in some sort of costume, and earrings seem to be a requirement for both men and women in Canada - at least in this movie.

This castle is HUUUUUGE. And real. It's in Toronto as I said and, well, you can see it's gorgeous. So there's plenty of room for our couples to constantly run, duck and hide in. And be stupid. Don't forget the stupid.

The movie? Past stupid into imbecilic - the trap is that John is a demon of the lowest order in this "Club" (having joined when he killed himself in 1983) and his job is to get the five idiots to "join". You can go two ways - murder or suicide. In fact, during the movie some of the characters find a very cobwebby (Mario Bava would have been proud) library with numerous volumes in the basement that show the picture and birth/death date of each idiot - uh, I mean victim.

Although they don't explain why Mr. Carver (Kim Coates) isn't already in the club - he "kills" John at the start and yet keeps appearing sporadically throughout the movie. How come he doesn't go to the books? And do I really care? Now check out this picture - John leaps from the second floor balcony. The railing is decorated (for the prom) and you can see Evan's head to the right...

See this seocnd photo? Evan decides to follow John - problem is, the decorations have disappeared, it's a different balcony, and 'Evan' is clearly watching on the left as the stuntman climbs over to jump (probably the same guy who jumped for John). So now you know. We're going to be watching these kids run around through the place endlessly facing their personal demons (massive duh) as John and Mr. Carver try to urge them to do one or the other. I was personally rooting for John. 

But watching the action wasn't that bad - you even get a bit of swashbuckling as Evan and John cross swords (okay, rapiers) and there is some fancy effects - which they botch spectacularly. And the movie goes downhill from there. In this photo, 'Evan' apparently really enjoyed this as he leans over the railing, script in hand. A closeup of the stuntman's face shows that not only is he NOT Evan, he's clearly also a lot older...

It was good in spots but lost the main theme - wasn't John there to get all five to either kill or suicide? Then why all the chasing and scaring? It didn't make sense and quickly turned a so-so movie into a really terrible movie. Especially when everything rewinds and it's clear the whole scenario is about to play all over again. Blech.

WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL DID I JUST WATCH CRAPTACULAR MARATHON

Green River (2008)

It's bad enough when a movie is so awful you count the minutes until it's over. It's even worse if you don't understand what you just watched and so go to other sources to read reviews that might tell you but there aren't any (there is an IMDb now - I guess as a warning). This movie was... indescribable. My only guess is that there were four writers with four different movie ideas but no money so they pooled everything together, smushed the scripts together (if they even had one), made things go extra slow to stretch the movie out to 93 minutes and called it good. It wasn't.

Is this a movie about a serial killer of girls in Green River (Not THAT Green River, this is something totally different - and not near as smart), is it about a girl with a crazy friend or is it about a girl with a missing sister that she is determined to go clear out in the boonies to find? I DON'T KNOW STOP ASKING ME!!!

Sorry about that. It was just that I was waiting patiently <sigh> for any sign of a definite purpose for the movie and the way it ended I did not get a single question answered. Dammit.

We have a blank slate of a woman named Charisma (with that name she should be dead already - sorry Danielle Franke) who lost her sister while in the small town of Green River long ago. She decides to search for answers with her friend Allison at the family's cabin in the woods (of course) - with no cell service, one very strange stranger and her friend starting to act stranger and stranger (as well as complaining non-stop).

I threw my movie review pad against the wall on this one. While I had a couple things right (I think anyway) the movie was such a mess that the ending was impossible to predict and even when I saw it I don't know what the ending was. Or the point. Or the whole purpose of the movie. We have endless scenes of pure boredom as the two go for a hike (not looking really, just complaining) with Allison popping pills every five minutes so in moviespeak that means she must be insane because only insane people take medication, right?

So they're suspicious of an older man who seems to be watching them and then following them. Instead of staying where there's people (and a working phone) they go off to the unknown anyway. They later find out his cabin is next to Charisma (Can I just call her Char? I'm getting tired of typing her name.). So of course the next day when they find the car's battery is dead (Allison's car alarm went off all night, sheesh) they of course suspect the older man and steal his pickup. Understandably miffed he runs after them. He somehow GETS AHEAD OF THEM and subsequently Char, who is driving, hits him, then since we're full in movie-stupid mode she runs into a tree. Oh yes my friends, it's just that stupid.

They drag the man back to his cabin. He reveals he's the law in the town but they don't believe him, despite the gun, badge, and radio he has in his pickup. So Char goes off for help while Allison stays. She then proceeds to taunt and torture the man, cutting him up as well as screaming at him endlessly. I would have asked for death. She's in full psycho mode, having dropped her happy pills on the hike. Meanwhile Char gets a faint signal on her cell phone and is going to call for help when it rings. We hear her say 'attempted murder' and then nothing. She then proceeds to do the typical movie things women do in forests: 1. Fall and twist or break something. 2. Hear voices coming from... nowhere. 3. Take forever of sitting there feeling sorry for yourself before putting together a makeshift splint and get back to the cabin.

It's night time before she reaches the cabin. She opens the door just as Allison is about to shoot the older man (His name is Jack Walker but who cares?) but Char shoots the rifle she got out of the pickup... the last scene we see is the old man at the local diner and the board of missing persons (tons of them)... one of them is for Char and Allison. Whaaaaa? Was the older man the killer? He didn't have a scratch on him. Did the two even exist? Did this movie? Did I care? Do I want more whiskey?

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GARBAGE IN/GARBAGE OUT - YUP IT'S ANOTHER CRAPTACULAR MARATHON



Movies By The Pound

Well, I've pretty much given up on the Screampix (now Screambox) service dubiously available on YouTube for $2.99. After discovering the bulk of their movies (those that will play that is) are made by one company, this is probably THEIR channel and they're desperately trying to recover losses by having this channel with the lie that it is a premium site of horror movies. Nope. Don't even bother with the free preview - even free it's not worth it.

But they're not the only ones with absolutely stupid movies and I've got several to bore you with in yet another marathon session. So turn off your brain, grab something for your nerves and hold on...

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies