I CAN BE A FUNNY HORROR MOVIE REVIEWER WHEN I WANNA, BUT I HAVE MOODS IN WHICH I CAN BE A TOTAL BITCH TOO, WHICH IS APPROPRIATE, BECAUSE THIS STUPID ASS MOVIE IS A TOTAL BITCH...

Crazy Ei8hts (2006)

I first feel compelled to apologize to Stephen King for thinking this was one of his creations - I should have known better. He DOES have a novel called From A Buick 8, which I believe is the last novel of his I've bought that <nervous chuckle>  I still haven't read.

This is pure B movie schlock - and not good schlock either. The acting is phoned in (They've got Traci Lords billed freaking first!), and the story is one of those where the beginning sounds like a good idea but it quickly turns to crap. And not good crap either.

We get a BS prefix of the movie synopsis: Between 1954 to 1976, nearly 600 children were voluntarily submitted for participation in a number of behavioral studies. These experimental facilities were privately funded and tucked away in secluded regions of the south. Families were paid a fee for their involvement and were told the studies were harmless. Most of the children were never heard from again.

The rest of the movie I'm gonna take pity on ya and try to keep it under 500 pages, 'cause it's not your fault I'm in a pissy mood so - we have eight kids who were stuck together as a group in an experimental facility 'cause hey, being experimented on is so much more fun when you have friends.

Twenty years later, they get a notice that one of their number has killed himself (smart move, guy). This would be Brax.

So a 20 year jump sees the introduction of characters we hope die really, really soon. They all are somewhat successful in their fields. Here's their names:

Jennifer

Lyle

Beth

Brent

Gina

Wayne

Since I know you can count, the other two are dead dudes; Brax of course and our mystery guest. Following the map Brax left, they find a ranch-like property with a barn. In the barn is a box. In the box under some of their childhood toys is a corpse. They find it within 20 minutes. Can we go home? No? DAMMIT... Who is it? Well...

The rest of the movie, I swear to God, are six seriously mentally challenged (I've used up my politically incorrect phrases for the week) people who wander around this property looking for clues and slowly finding them - and thankfully dying at the same time. Here's the death list:

Wayne (Dan DeLuca) breaks his leg almost immediately, but to be <heavy sarcasm here> clever, he doesn't die from that - he's decapitated by a window. 'Kay.

Beth (Gabrielle Anwar, who was great in the series Burn Notice, not so great here) is next because she's in a room by herself and the 'ghost girl' of whoever was in the trunk "helps" her tear her own jaw off. Which is impossible. Unless you're in a freaking dumbass movie. 'Kay.

Next is Brent (Frank Whaley), whose sole purpose in the movie was to make sure they would have an 'R' rating by swearing constantly. Unfortunately he dies off camera and we don't get to watch him suffer because he was a real whiny bitch. 'Kay.

Gina (Traci Lords) is first blinded by the light... sorry, she went to the bathroom and was 'persuaded' to gouge out her own eyes. Later she gets killed. Good... whoops, I mean 'Kay.

Lyle (George Newbern, a great voice-over actor whose best known appearance in movies was in both 'Father Of The Bride' movies) is next - before Gina died she accidentally stabs him (she can't see, so it's only 95% stupid). 'Kay.

The gist of the whole thing is that, as children, they were 'donated' for experimentation in ward C8 (Crazy Ei8hts - DUH). 

They all thought the doctor was their father and were given all kinds of tests and blah blah blah. For some reason they throw in the fact that Beth and Wayne had been brother and sister and had never known it. Could have been worse. Could've been married to each other... although I hear some states are turning a blind eye to that kind of thing...

As kids they decided to escape and put their toys in a trunk, hiding a kid named Karen because she was too frail to escape with them. They promised once they were free they would come and get her but they were too late and she suffocated. So she wants vengeance.

There is so much freaking DUH in this movie that if you're in a nasty mood, it's the perfect movie 'cause you can't get any madder than you already are...

So all but Jennifer (Dina Meyer, who like George Newbern got to be in the Saw movies - she was in the first four. She was also in Starship Troopers, as well as a whole page full of roles both on TV and in movies.) is dead but that's not good enough for Karen. Somehow Jennifer decides that the death of her friends wasn't good enough for this angry little spirit girl, so she gathers up the toys from the toy chest (and I'm getting pains in my chest from the idiocy of having to type this) and throws them in a wastebasket and burns them.

But that's still not enough for dead girl Karen (Karen Beriss). Jennifer has to kill herself. Our last scene (YAAAAAY!) is of Jennifer with a broken piece of glass ready to shove it in her gut and we hear the voice of the 'doctor'. I'll print it, but if you can understand this piece of @$&*((^%*$&%^# (sorry, cat jumped on the keyboard), you get a banana:

Two boxes are in front of who we assume is Jennifer. The doctor says, "One will be painful but lead to redemption. The other will only lead to more tests. Do you know what redemption is? Do you know what guilt is?" Then, as the scene fades away piece by piece we hear, "Choose." 

Here's my question: Do you know how pissed I can get having to watch an 80 minute piece of crap? Do you know that you have two choices: Either I can kill you slowly, or keep you alive for a week or two and THEN kill you? 

Choose...

A MOVIE SO AWFUL I'M GIVING YOU A BREAK AND SHOWING YOU THE ONLY GOOD PART OF IT... WHICH HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ACTUAL MOVIE. YOU'RE WELCOME...

1,2,3... Scream aka End Of The Road (2011)

There is nothing more frustrating (okay, there's a lot of things but this is a pisser too) than seeing a bunch of names attached to a movie that makes you want to see it, just to find out that those people either are in it for a fraction of time, a voice-over, or get killed before the beginning credits stop. This was one of those movies so here's your warning:





This movie is about a couple of guys (cameraman and soundman) who finish up with a film by Robert Picardo and are on their way to Idaho to shoot the first episode of a new reality paranormal series called 'Spirit Seekers' with actual psychic (pffft) Randolph (played by Doug Jones, well-known contortionist and sci fi actor, recently of John Dies At The End). The buildup is supposed to be that, of course, they piss off whatever supernatural force has started this mess in the first place. The punchline is, that it is all a practical joke - played by Robert Picardo. There, you just saved yourself roughly 90 minutes. You're welcome. For a treat, this is the only part of the movie worth watching (and that's stretching it a bit):

Oh, and Zack said this himself in this movie, so here you go my fave redheaded Canadian dude, you are now a meme:

WELL, AT LEAST THIS MOVIE DOESN'T HAVE HITLER'S HEAD IN A JAR... OH DAMMIT!!!

Nazis At The Center Of The Earth aka SS Troopers (2012) Straight To DVD

The Asylum Presents. Never in movie history can just three words cause such dread and disgust. What's almost worse (almost) is that the director of this film knew it, spoke freely about how awful it was, and basically shrugged, collected his paycheck, and went home. Nice. For this movie they admit they had a script on the run, so to speak, two weeks to shoot, and less than $200,000 to do it with. We are not going to be looking at a cinematic marvel here.

So, having had TWO movies with heads in jars just this year, ONE of them Hitler I thought (because sometimes the brain synapses DO connect) "Meh, there's no way they could stoop so low as to have THAT happen again." But, apparently, my brain did all that work for nothing, and stoop they did.

Shoots the same guy twice, nobody cares...

A group of researchers are studying the decline of the glaciers and it's ALL YOUR FAU... umm wait, that was another movie, sorry. We begin in 1945 Germany because apparently that's the only year in history that anyone has any interest in Germany (sorry). A handful of overweight actors in ill fitting uniforms stumble out of the back of a truck. Nobody worries about trivial details like accents or proper German or anything like that. I mean, one of them says a sentence to the guy who's supposed to be playing Joseph Mengele and he replies with gibberish that a two-year-old German baby would laugh at.

When a pressure cooker is carried out of the back of the truck, I had a strange tingle go down the back of my neck but I ignored it and carried on as the movie shows (very briefly, time is money and money they ain't got) that they're transporting their canned goods... somewhere. Sigh.

Mengele, being the super shit-kicking doctor he is, grabs a freaking rocket launcher and blows a tank to kingdom come - but isn't through with that, as we see him shooting generic soldiers who are running in the dark THROUGH THE EXPLODED TANK. He's a crack shot and gets all he aims at (One of them twice!) as we hear the famous Foley screams... but fun is fun and done is done and he finally gets on the motherführer plane... wait, he's STILL shooting the same soldiers from the moving plane! 

Those little plastic models are
fireproof, waterproof, bullshit proof...

This guy is a real badass! He even dispatches a very VERY fast foot soldier who's grabbed onto the moving plane. Wow. For a heart-stopping final kickass moment the plane is shot by another of those sneaky silent-in-the-dark tanks... and flies right through the explosion! Oh the humanity!

We fast forward to a supposed outpost called Niflheim Station at Antarctica (otherwise known as Asylum studios in California). They're taking core samples - it's all very technical so the movie doesn't have to explain it to you. And they don't have to explain why they're freezing but can't see their breath when they talk. Just shut up about it, will you? Huh? Oh sorry, must be the massive DUH reverberating in my ears. I think I've suffered permanent damage from this movie.

She didn't feel that when she stepped on it???

Taking core samples is really metal. Wait, I said that wrong. While taking a core sample, TWO INCHES DOWN they hit metal. In very VERY fake snow that is so loose, the 'scientist' just brushes it away with her hand to expose a green metal plate with a swastika on it. Funny, I'm starting to feel very, very drunk, yet I haven't had even a sip. This is NOT a movie to do a drinking game with either. You'd die in the first 15 minutes. Must be that massive DUH in my ears, it's making me dizzy.

They only have two seconds to look at this hiding green plate, however, before three Nazis in ghost whisperer gear... no, I'm sorry, I'm thinking of the chick in the Insidious movies. Three Nazis in gas masks show up and take the two idiots for whatever reason. I dunno.

But the biggest pfffft of the whole movie is expecting us to believe that Jake Busey is a scientist. Nah, just kidding - a little. THE BIGGEST is that there is a whole Naziland under the ground at Antartica, with it's own air, heating, theme park... wait, scratch that last one. The city gleams as apparently pollution has been eliminated in the Nazi world. And Jake Busey is not only a scientist, HE'S A NAZI SCIENTIST. Somehow that makes more sense.

So they work at, uh, what was that station's name - oh, the Niflheim (Mist World being one of the English translations). I guess they were attempting to be cute by naming it after the Norse Mythology of the land of the ice and snow from the midnight sun where the hot springs flow, the hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands, to fight the horde, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming!

On we sweep with threshing oar, Our only goal will be the western shore... Umm, wait. Woof, I am going nuts from this movie... <Sorry Led Zeppelin>

Anywho, they leave there to find their mates and slide down this previously not-seen-for-plot-reasons hole at the instruction of their soon-to-be-saluting-everyone idiot scientist (Jake Busey). They find a brilliant... computer image. Nice work for the time spent I guess. The ones already captured have discovered that while Mengele somehow has not aged a single day and looks exactly the same, his men need fresh skin over their junk (no, not THAT junk - I hope) to keep sort of human looking. This is the absolute WORST makeup ever devised. These guys look like they've been interrupted from a day at the spa in the middle of a cucumber facial.

Jake Busey, not to be out-DUH'D by this movie, pretends he's seeing the city for the first time and proclaims that this must be Agharta, the subterranean world. Huh? Agharta is a place that all Buddhists believe in. They also believe that this Subterranean World has millions of inhabitants and many cities, all under the supreme domination of the subterranean world capital, Shamballah. And Busey would know that there's no way this was even close. Sigh.

They (the idiots in this movie) wander around the city apparently undetected. They approach an airplane hanger (recycled from the beginning of the movie) and one of the victims-to-be mutters, "Why does this look familiar?" Since they never explain that, just chalk it up to the movie messing with you 'cause they know it's the same building used over and over.

Steampunk Mengele

So. They're captured and Busey explains that for ten years he's been working for the Nazis in Les Schwab land. Oh, I'm sorry, that's Neuschwabenland, or New Swabia, an area of Antarctica. Mengele says (to cover the fact that in 'real life' his bones were discovered in the '70's) that most of his bones were replaced (pffft) and so since he had arthritis he don't got it no more, he can peel the skin off his skull when he wants to (which is a great trick for the ladies), and he don't age no more. That's... the stupidest thing I've heard all year.

We're very limber...

Favorite line in the movie? Oh, there's so many... but I liked when Mengele talks to one of the victims, proclaiming him a Jew to which the guy answers, "No, I'm not religious." Pfffft... like that erases your heritage or something. That would be like pointing at me and saying "You're Cherokee." and me responding, "No, I don't dance around the fire in full ceremonial dress." 

Mengele says that the best of 20th century engineering came from Germany. Hmm, let's see... there's the Volkswagon, Mercedes-Benz, BMW, Audi, Porche, TV Remotes (better versions, not original ones), the first home video game console (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!), cruise ships (hopefully not the ones with the backed up toilets), the Enigma machine (you wanna know what it is, look it up yourself), atomic bomb, assault rifles (The Sturmgewehr 44), the clarinet (I had one once, loved that thing until someone stole it), 

DEEEEEP BREATH

I had a metal one - only the
mouthpiece could be removed...

the bicycle, the typewriter, the computer mouse, vinyl records, movable type (such as the one which made the Gutenberg Bible), Henry J. Heinz tomato ketchup and fifty six other things, the fax machine, aspirin, the submarine, morphine, the elevator, adhesive tape, blue jeans, Ferdinand Graf von Zeppelin, inventor of the airship named after him in the land of the ice and snow from the midnight sun where the hot springs flow... whoops, sorry about that. I was drifting off...

Have the ability to create an underground city,
but not a doorway tall enough for men to walk
through without stooping over - and oh yeah, I do
believe your flag is.. just wrong Herr Mengele...

So what is all this torturous nonsense about? Oh yeah, I was trying to forget but...

Musha ring dum a doo dum a da
Whack for my daddy-o
Whack for my daddy-o
There's Hitler in the jar-o

Sigh again. Yup, we've got another abomination but this time they ripped off Robot Chicken:

Pretty close...

Am I stalling 'cause I don't want to do the rest of this movie? You bet your sweet ass!

Ahem. Let's take a quick look at what Mengele's reading material while he's been down the hole, shall we? Hmm... from left to right (according to Google translate) 1. Gross Ass, Young Lady; 2. I love to do drugs; 3. Thirteen; 4. Eat Babies. Oooh Mengele we know your dirty little secrets now. I think. Sort of. You can thank the movie's German translator Johannes Gotz for those funnies. Or not. So. Hitler in the jar-o now looks like the Humping Robot in Robot Chicken. Sorry, just would much rather be watching cartoons right now.

Dammit, wrong head!

The Hitler robot jumps into his new ship, which is (they want you to believe) about half the size of the Death Star. On the computer screen anyway. Dr. Mengele for some reason starts to rot like a banana in record time and wants a new skin. Wait, if his skin changes why does he still look like himself? Wait, why am I looking for logic?

So we have two main characters that I haven't bothered to name who love each other so they manage to kill Mengele (again) and get away where they attempt to rescue another character I never named from being cut up by Busey while a healing zombie picks at and eats his scabs. You heard me. The two lovers rescue a third friend (Busey took off with his girlfriend) and rips the scab-eaters face off. It wasn't much grosser than watching zombie pimples and scab snacks.

Okay, that's... better?

And since the Nazis are Stormtroopers <rim shot>, they shoot and shoot and shoot and not a single shot comes anywhere near our heroes... whoever they are. Meanwhile Hitler tells his, uh, navigator? to set a course for North America. Hey, why does the navigator look like Data from Star Trek? Never mind. The good guys shoot, the bad guys shoot and miss, and I'm yawning so hard I think I dislocated my jaw. 

The good guys are on the stairs and shove a cart with oxygen tanks on them and since Stormtroopers apparently don't know what 'inflammable' means, they shoot them and blow up. Wow. That's what Luke Skywalker needed - would have saved a lot of time.

Why is this guy pulling the Nazi's borrowed skin off?
He wanted to SAVE FACE! BWAHAHAHAHAAAA...

But Hitler doesn't just want to bomb the world - he wants to bomb it with Ebola (that's... almost eerie). After an interminable amount of time of these guys going around the same corridor over and over again, two are left and find a glider of some sort to get out of the ship with - just as Busey and his girlfriend set off a bomb in one of those last minute gee-I-guess-I'm-human-after-all turnarounds that never happen.

Oh rats, he worked on that computer
image for two whole hours!

The two in the glider land on the ice as the ship crashes because of an itty bitty hole in it (not that sturdy I guess). But Hitler in a jar-o is still coming after them. The girl shouts (like he could hear her inside that robot), "C'mon you bobble-headed zombie Nazi son of a bitch!" Now how many times in your life do you get to say something like that?

Now all we need is a washing
machine... <sorry Robot Chicken>

With a 'we really need to find a way to end this horrid movie' move, they manage to infect Hitler with Ebola. 'Kay. Is our movie over now? Hitler's laser (don't ask) shoots around him, cutting a hole in the ice and plunging him into the depths of the computer... uh, I mean ocean. The two survivors kiss, he gives her a ring (because nothing says 'let's get married' like the slaughter of all your friends), and we have our ending. Not.

We get our credits (Even for the honey wagons! Wow, show-business really IS glamorous!) - oh wait one freaking moment 'cause I just discovered where they spent all their money! They didn't just get honey wagons y'all, they got the Mercedes Benz of honey wagons! Check this ad out: Hollywood Honeywagons - This 10 room honeywagon is not only the biggest in Los Angeles, it's the most well designed in the whole film industry! Each crew restroom has 2 stalls and sink AND each and every room becomes a double. Every other bed turns into a work desk! (5 double rooms!) This trailer houses it's own generator and can work independently! The truck is a four room honeywagon all by itself! You really do have to see it to believe it!

Yeeeaaaaahhhh, I think I'm going to pass on that one.

Anyway, at the end we see Hitler's robot hand deep in the ocean... and it wiggles. Tell you what - if there is a sequel to this movie I will PERSONALLY go to Antarctica (known as Asylum Studios) and burn down the studio for you because I care about my readers THAT MUCH.

Oh, and I think Asylum owes Seth Green and Matthew Senreich an apology. NOW.



                        

OKAY, NAZI MOVIES HERE WE GO BUT... OH HERE'S A NEW (TO ME) ZOMBIE MOVIE, WAIT IT'S ABOUT WHAT? AGAIN? STILL? BUT IT WILL BE GOOD, RIGHT? NO? IT'S (GULP) A UK FILM? NO? BUT IT STILL HAS TWO TITLES? THE SECOND TITLE IS BETTER THAN THE WHOLE MOVIE? I CAN DESCRIBE THE BEST PART WITHOUT WORKING ON IT? 'KAY...

Dead Within aka What Remains (2014)

Currently streaming on Netflix, here's a warning for those considering watching this sloooooow piece of nothing with minimal effects or acting or story or...

The plot straight out of the IMDb: Six months after the outbreak, a man and woman have survived by isolating themselves in a remote cabin. Starved for resources, they must confront the horrors that threaten them from outside and from within.

Ba dum dum. That's it. Here's the best part and you can thank me (or curse me) for saving you precious time:

You're welcome.

                        

HEY YOU MOVIE MAKING GUYS! HERE'S A TIP AND PLEASE KNOW THAT I WILL COME AFTER YOU WITH THE BILL IF I HAVE TO BUY NEW SPEAKERS: LOUD NOISES DO NOT EQUAL SCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARES!!!






Alien Abduction aka The Morris Family Abduction (2014)

Yes my lovelies, we have a lame movie that not only is a found footage hand held piece of crap, but it's about an alien abduction. In fact, we get to see the end of the movie AT the beginning. AND if I was smart (and I'm not) I would have said 'good' and passed on this horrible, obvious, THEY'RE COMING TO GET US! type of alien bull spit and found something better. Somewhere. Somehow. But for now this ripoff of every found footage movie since the beginning of time can be found streaming on Netflix. BUT my children I MUST give this movie snaps for not pasting 'Based On Actual Events' on their movie poster, given that the phenomenon of strange lights being seen on Brown Mountain is real.


And to make this movie even more special for the audience, they make sure and let you know that the footage is taken by a boy with autism (played by Riley Polanski). What the hell does that have to do with anything? I'll tell you what though, he's a better cameraman than most idiots using hand held cameras in these types of movies. And all the actors real first names are used as their movie names. Isn't that clever?

I'm gonna be short with the movie part anyway 'cause there just ain't a whole lot going on in this movie that couldn't have been told in ten minutes or less. A family goes camping. They fight, complain, spend a night on Brown Mountain in North Carolina, and they all get abducted.

Since the movie is such a nothing movie, here's your small bit of education for today.


Brown Mountain DOES exist in North Carolina. In fact, lights that cannot be explained have been seen in the sky there for over a hundred years. Now the movie 'interviews' so-called experts as well as witnesses but here's the real thing:



The Brown Mountain Lights are a series of ghost lights reported near Brown Mountain in North Carolina. The lights can be seen from the Blue Ridge Parkway and from the Brown Mountain Overlook, Table Rock, and Wisemans View. There are other vantage points also that can be seen in North Carolina. And yes, they do want visitors - the best time to see them is reportedly September through early November.

Of course, the 'ghost lights' have their detractors. One interesting (and extremely stupid in my opinion) supposed 'reason' people are seeing these lights is called Nature Deficit Disorder. This disease flavor-of-the-month refers to a hypothesis by Richard Louv that human beings, especially children, are spending less time outdoors resulting in a wide range of behavioral problems. 

So that would mean the boy taking the footage has autism because he's never outdoors although he's outdoors taking footage despite his autism being caused by his never being outdoors which he is in now with a camera despite his autism... ick, now I'm dizzy.

Louv claims that causes for the phenomenon include parental fears, restricted access to natural areas, and the lure of the screen. Recent research has drawn a further contrast between the declining number of National Park visits in the United States and increasing consumption of electronic media by children.

Oh really? So over a hundred years ago kids that were into their electronic games started seeing weird... oh, wait a minute - there wasn't even TELEVISION over a hundred years ago. So telling us we're stupid enough to see strange lights because we're imbeciles who were raised on electronic gadgets doesn't quite cut it.

Okay, movie. Family camps. Autistic boy with camera gets footage of three lights in the sky moving strangely. The next day, following the GPS instead of a good ole' map, the family gets lost (the movie suggests the GPS was guided by something other than a satellite, if you know what I mean and I think you do - sorry Joe Bob).

Next day family fights over running out of gas. Trying to get to town, they find a tunnel full of cars that must have the best batteries in the world because all of their lights are still on, in some the engines are still running, but everybody is gone. All the seatbelts have been ripped out of the cars.

And then the noise begins in earnest. You know what? Having soft dialogue and then SCREEEECHING a super-loud supposedly alien noise at top volume is not a substitution for scares. It's annoying, it woke up my husband in the other room, AND it's bad for my speakers. The father of the family is taken, the rest run for it and drive off without him.

Suddenly, it starts raining fake birds (don't worry - the guy who wrote the movie loved Hitchcock - he didn't hurt any birds). After it stops, so does their van and they have to travel on foot.

They remember that there was ONE mailbox on the road and they race toward it hoping to find someone with a phone because since they are in a horror movie (say it with me people) there is no signal on any of their phones. They can blame that on aliens if they want, but it's also a horror movie rule on my horror movie worksheet (patent pending) so you choose the reason.

The guy they run into at a small cabin, whom the movie portrays as one step above a caveman, tries to scare them off with a rifle, but when the aliens show up he lets them all inside. He's been waiting for his brother who went out and never came back. The movie screeches to a slow halt as nothing much was happening anyway, but now... nada. For a loooooong time. Instead of a picture, just imagine three people spending an hour in the basement. If you're still awake, keep reading...

The older brother is taken, the backwoods guy drives off presumably for help, and we get more non-action as the three remaining family members run through the dark woods for no good reason, for a long time. They find a barn and hide in it. For a long time. I'm now rooting for the screeching idiot aliens to show up quickly. They finally do. The mother gets bent backwards and off she goes. So does the backwoods guy, who had come back after finding his brother's empty truck. They scream as they're taken. Uh, no. Break someone like that, they're not going to be making ANY noise much less still be alive.

The sister and Riley spend an interminable time (again) running through dark woods. Let me say that again. INTERMINABLE. 


They make it back to the road the next day, meeting a cop who conveniently chose that exact moment to drive up. Unfortunately, he's about as handy as tits on a boar as he's immediately sucked up, then the sister, then the autistic boy is grabbed, then sucked up into... something. 

'Leaked footage' from the Air Force shows that his camera took blurry images of... stuff (Inside the spacecraft?), we hear screams, then the camera is flung from what appears to be an alien garbage shute and it makes its way back to Earth. 

It falls from outer space to Earth WITHOUT exploding into flame and spins and falls clear to the ground, again WITHOUT exploding into a billion pieces with exquisite precision onto Brown Mountain. AND it still works, as we see an Air Force dude in a hazmat suit pick it up and turn it on. 

Then we see credits, which is a cheat 'cause they have more. One year later (according to the movie) the father is found after walking out of the woods, naked and out of his mind. Roll the rest of the credits folks because I am done.

                        

NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! BUT I WON'T...

Skeleton Man (2004) SyFy Original Movie

Oy vey this was a massive stinker - both times! All through the movie I was saying (out loud which is usually why I watch movies alone) 'Geez I know I've seen this before' but I swore I'd seen it on TV and this movie had Michael Rooker and sounded... meh, and I didn't check it out first. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.


Turns out that this is a SyFy stinker of a movie that they added ONE 'F' bomb to and released on a DVD. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Let's make this short (pffft). Supposedly in the Pacific Northwest (also known as Bulgaria apparently) this dude is working on an archeological dig for Iroquois artifacts. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Huh. Iroquois warriors wore gloves. New one on me.

One, he's doing it in the middle of the woods, in a big, comfy home. Two, the Iroquois were nowhere near the Pacific Northwest OR Bulgaria. Three, just down the road is a power plant. Or a chemical plant. Or both. Or a nudie bar. It depends on who you read and talk to I guess. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Then we have Cotton Eyed Joe...

Whoops, sorry - it was Cotton MOUTH Joe. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Iroquois warriors also apparently
wore riding boots and used stirrups...

Cottonmouths (or Water Moccasins, or Pit Vipers, etc.) are found in the lower eastern parts of the United States - nowhere NEAR the Pacific Northwest. And show me ONE RECORD of an ancestral Iroquois warrior named JOE. Can't, can ya? In fact, this movie was originally CALLED Cotton Mouth Joe, but people wouldn't stop laughing so they had to change it.

Geez, he's whiter than I am...

Cotton Mouth Joe is basically a cheap skeleton in a cheaper black cape that was supposed to be riding a black stallion. He's been cursed (according to ONE blind old Indian sitting in the middle of the forest by himself in front of a campfire that isn't even burning for some reason) and now just goes around cutting off heads. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Is... is he riding sidesaddle here?

An ancient Iroquois warrior with a long black cape? Was that from Spooks-R-Us? The bargain bin? And the 'black stallion' was clearly a brown mare. Several in fact, in colors ranging from dark to red, and the white marks on the horses' faces differ from scene to scene. And I'm not even going to go into all the hatchets he used which he clearly bought from a Bulgarian Home Depot.

After a bunch of soldiers go missing (because the Pacific Northwest has a wormhole that goes straight to Bulgaria), a 'Delta' team is sent in to find out what happened. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

This 'Delta' team included specialists that had skills that would serve them very well in the forest (she said with poisoned sarcasm) - such as the chick who was an underwater demolitions expert. Uh huh.


They get killed off one by one, some by arrow, others by ax, the rest by spear. We get a few comical scenes of actors rolling down hills and very obviously having to push themselves to keep going down the hill. In fact, one scene has Michael Rooker rolling (sort of) down a looong hill. He started with a hat, rolls without a hat, ends up at the bottom with the hat. Hey, a magic hat!


Let's cut this down 'cause despite the sad attempts of Michael Rooker trying his best to save this damned movie, there's just not anything to save. Even the stupidity of the plot and the lack of continuity wasn't good enough to make this even remotely enjoyable. This is where their money went:

1. Michael Rooker
2. Casper Van Dien 
3. A helicopter to pick them up (even though it was clearly a four person helicopter at the most) and a toy to blow up against a grass hill. You heard me.
4. A tanker truck carrying something flammable to jackknife and blow to Kingdom Come (or maybe open the wormhole back to the Pacific Northwest, you never know).
5. Lots of models of the whatever-the-hell-plant-it-was to blow up at the end.

The supposed rescue helicopter blows up because 'Joe' shoots a WOODEN arrow and destroys the back rotor. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

The cab is sideways, he is on the ground, and then...

One soldier finds a road (with lots of traffic and lights of some town plainly visible not too far from it) and a truck whose driver has gone off to take the piss of death - I guess 'cause he never comes back. The soldier inexplicably steals it and makes it 1/4 mile at most, passing a sign that simply says 'North', sees 'Joe' and jackknifes the truck. The cab breaks away and the rest goes up in a ball of flame and then...

Whoops - too hot, gotta get it out further...

Uh, wait a minute. Back the hell up. Apparently, they only had that stretch of road to do stuff on because as the truck begins its little trick, the 'North' sign is still in the same place, but the truck is now facing the other way. 

Okay, that's better - go back
sideways in the road and lay down, 'kay?

And although they could afford the tanker explosion, they couldn't afford to damage the cab. The cab is at first sideways on the now-deserted road but when the camera cuts away, it is driving AWAY from the flames. The camera cuts away again, and the cab is once more sideways in the road. DUUUUUUUUH!!!!

So Rooker's character supposedly tricks the non-Iriquois Indian from Bulgaria into going into the chemical/power/I-have-no-freaking-idea plant before blowing it up. The end. Not. They show the cheap ripoff from the Scream movies riding his black... brown... red... whatever the hell horse it was... off into the woods for another, uh, skip it.

CURSE YOU, SYFY CHANNEL!!!