YES VIRGINIA, THERE REALLY IS A TENNESSEE... AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS...








The Bell Witch Haunting (2013)

Class, time to pay attention. HEY! Pay attention and you might get by with this review that will take you only a couple of minutes to read and appreciate (or hate, your choice). If you DON'T quiet down, your punishment will be 91 minutes of the inane ripoff of all the PA movies, haunting movies, and possession movies you've ever had the misfortune to see. And this is by the Asylum, so those in the know will appreciate just how excruciating those minutes would be.


I can just see the money grubbers now - desperately trying to eek out another movie in 2013. If you were a fly on the wall you'd probably hear something like this: "Okay people, we've got some year left and some losses to cover so let's come up with some ideas pronto!"

"A paranormal movie!"

"Done to death, I don't think we could get away with another one - you're fired!"

"Wait, wait - what if we throw in a possessed female teenager?"

"What? A possessed female is what ALL PA movies have - get out!"

"I've got family sir, let me try again. A paranormal movie, with a possessed teenage girl, AND a local legend presented as 'real events'."

"That's the worst idea I've ever -"

"AND... and we'll have a bunch of girls in bikinis taking their tops off for no reason whatsoever, a swooshing force that kills people (off camera of course) and an Amityville-type family who, although this all happens to them refuse to move out?"

"That is the... BEST idea I've heard this year. Give yourself a raise!"

Yes folks, that's what this is. A re-re-re-re-re-re-re-telling of the urban legend Tennessee folks either hold dear or just wish would go away - the Bell witch. Now if you read my review on December 30, 2013 of An American Haunting, you already know a bit about how it goes (or doesn't) and you don't want to go through it again. If you didn't read the review... no harm, no foul. And apparently they have their OWN horror movie worksheet - better not step on mine Asylum, it's patent pending.

Short and sour: This is the stupid tale of the Sawyer family who move into one of those huge houses that people in the movies seem to buy as easily as a new phone. We see the mother, father, son and daughter celebrating the son's birthday with a new video camera. Lame overused movie plot point #1 check.

The son soon irritates the whole family by using said camera with the typical 'turn that off' every five minutes or so which of course he doesn't do. Lame overused movie plot point #2 check.

If there is anything about to happen, whether it's slamming doors, booming sounds or whispering, the audience is warned by a rumbling noise that apparently only the audience can hear. Lame overused movie plot point #3 check.

Although horrible things begin to happen from the beginning (such as a couple who attended the birthday party being found dead by the side of the road that same night) the family blithely stays in the house. Lame overused movie plot point #4 check.



The boy, together with his friends find out about the Bell witch and gee whiz, the Sawyer's new home is right smack on the Bell property. Lame overused movie plot point #5 check.

The girl is bothered from the first day from night terrors which continue each night, as her behavior gets more and more bizarre and she starts displaying some evil activity. Lame overused movie plot point #6 check.

After a few more deaths of friends of the family, the father spitting up blood and wandering off in the night, the girl being found in the forest by police munching on roadkill and the mother cutting herself every ten minutes on something exploding on her, they get a priest to 'exorcise' the house - which ends up making things worse. 

See, these guys need to read Acts 11-16 'cause demons aren't going to take crap off of anybody no matter how many times you try to use the Lord's name. So now the teenage girl is totally possessed complete with levitation. She attacks the priest and snaps his neck. Lame overused movie plot point #7 check.


Instead of getting out or having a hundred cops show up, after the daughter takes off, the three remaining family members run out to the woods to find her, so the ending of the movie is all nauseating night shots bobbing all over the place, just to have the brother killed by his sister with his own camera. Lame overused movie plot point #8 check.

The father, bringing a gun, thinks he sees his possessed daughter coming at him and shoots. It's his wife. She's dead. The daughter shows up and stares at him, somehow forcing him to take the gun and blow his own brains out. Lame overused movie plot point #9 check.


The movie ends by claiming that they caught the Sawyer girl who lives in an asylum, screaming every night but leaving plenty of opportunity for a sequel, the mother was never found and the mystery never solved. Aaaaand this means that lame overused movie plot point #10 is a check and WE ARE DONE.

Now we sit and wait and rake in the bucks...

(BTW the WHOLE cast went uncredited. I wonder why...)

Does this LOOK like they're scared of some urban legend?

A DUMB MOVIE I WATCHED SOME TIME AGO BUT DIDN'T REVIEW AND NOW I HAVE TO BECAUSE I ALMOST MIXED IT UP WITH THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT DAMMIT!


An American Haunting (2005)

Okay people very quick history lesson here. This is a movie based on, not 'true events', but the telling of a story that was from a story that was told in a story that was found in a paragraph in an old book that someone found and went oooh, easy novel material and wrote yet another book claiming it to be true. Pffft. The Bell Witch or Bell Witch Haunting is a poltergeist legend from Southern folklore, centered on the 19th century fictional Bell family in Tennessee. Okay, partially fictional. There was a family named Bell and they were in Tennessee. Capicé? 

Just think of it as an early version of The Enquirer

No Andrew Jackson did not meet the witch and get scared off by it, no it did not torture a family in the 1800's, no it was NEVER a true story, it was ALWAYS a novel or an article written by someone out to make money, not history.

So. (My husband hates one word sentences so I use them a lot) So. This movie tanked. Since it was a fake story that's no great loss, but the waste of talent in Sissy Spacek and Donald Sutherland is almost a crime. It can claim to be 'the only case in the US where a spirit caused the death of a man' all it wants, that doesn't make it so you MORONS. That was directed at the movie makers, not you guys of course.

The truth as far as you can find it being he was a nothing kind of man in the 19th century, John Bell contracted a disease that he had for three years before his death. The claim that a 'spirit' caused the disease is like saying 'my mama is sick 'cause she was mean to me so God is killing her'. It's gross, it's wrong, and it's just plain stupid. 

Besides, it is stated with several sources (including this dumb movie I might add) that the cause of his death (as the illness was not considered fatal in itself) was poisoning at the hand of his daughter. How, then does one conclude that a 'spirit' killed him? Massive duh and I'm getting a wicked headache.

November 1848. Kids are playing soccer. Critics say that's anachronistic and as horrid as the film is, that's not entirely true. The idea of kicking around a ball has been in place since the 2nd and 3rd centuries BC. In China, it was during the Han dynasty that people dribbled leather balls by kicking it into a small net. It made its way to England so it is not a big stretch to find it in colonial America. Why did I put that in? 'Cause this movie has nothing to say and I have almost nothing to put here.

The bottom line to this sorry mess of a movie is the subject of incest. The dumbass (and so lacking in anything original YOU could tell me the movie plot and you'd mostly be right) effects are the same, the progression, same, the fact that no one ever pays attention to their kids 'cause they're wrapped up in themselves and their own miseries until it's too late, same. Same same same same same.

Present: A divorced woman and her daughter live together. The daughter has bad dreams of being chased. She has to spend the weekend with her father and really doesn't want to. The mother doesn't care. In her daughter's room she finds stuff from the attic and chastises her daughter for being up there. She takes the stuff and the story begins as she opens a letter and reads and somehow one letter becomes a 93 minute movie.

Past: Again, 19th century. This must have been the CLEANEST place in the new world 'cause every scene looked like the actors picked up their bleached and starched and ironed outfits without a speck of dirt anywhere, the homes looked better than any I've ever lived in, and everything was one lightbulb away from being ripped out of Better Homes and Gardens.

Betsy Bell is having fits. She's not spoiled, she's actually having fits. To make this movie more dramatic we've got the smashed windows, voices, Betsy levitating, you know, everything you probably already have seen in another film. No wonder I get these 'The Haunting Of' movies confused. What's happening to her is obvious to everyone except her mother - no strike that. Her mother knows perfectly well what's going on but has chosen to ignore/forget it. Betsy is being 'visited' during the night by her father. Duh.


They ask a, umm, I don't know who the hell he was supposed to be but he had a Bible. He attempts to - you know. It fails. They then for whatever reason (probably to advance the plot since he's the writer of the letter) call the schoolmaster over to discover what the hell is going on. During all of this the father chooses to blame a neighbor he had a property dispute with. Never once does he confess his sin against his daughter. Figures. Since he doesn't the torture continues until Betsy poisons him with her mother looking on (in the movie, I have no idea what happened in real life). All the spooky stuff stops and Betsy marries the schoolmaster. He makes the remark that he hopes this never happens again. <snort>

Riiiight. And the small Washington town I used to
live in has a Bigfoot festival every year. Cause
everything you hear/read is true.

Skip to present day. Mother has conveniently just finished the story when her daughter comes in and announces her father is there and she's leaving. She watches them drive away, her daughter looking upset and worried (DUUUUUH). Going back into the house she's confronted by the 'ghost' of Betsy (also conveniently still looking like she did in the movie) who tells her to 'Help her'. She gets a clue way too late and runs back outside, trying to stop her ex from taking off with his apparently already-being-abused-daughter. And the credits run. And now I can put down the whiskey bottle.

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FOUR HORRIBLE MOVIES THAT FEATURE URBAN LEGENDS THAT WERE SO RADICALLY CHANGED THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST COME UP WITH ORIGINAL ONES

The Midnight Horror Collection

I've said it before, but if you want to peruse horror films on the cheap and you're running out of options on the internet streaming services, Amazon has collections of movies that don't cost very much. Now of course it being the holiday season, Amazon has already been 'spanked' (and well they should) because at this time of year they decided to change the amount you need to spend in order to get free shipping from $25 to $35. 

Ten dollars may not seem much of a difference, but if you're just looking for cheap movies it might change your mind on who to purchase movies from. If you can get the shipping cheap enough, you might check out eBay - I've gotten movies there for a buck and low shipping rates - depends on what you're looking for.

So this small collection was supposed to be about Urban Legends. If I wanted really REALLY stupid Urban Legends, I'd read my Facebook page. By the way (Shameless plug ahead!) if you use Facebook at all, please check out my horror page at  https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies  and give it a 'like' pretty pretty please? You'll find updates whenever I put up new movies, movie trivia, quizzes, and assorted horror goodies. Okay, back to business.

I hate YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU!

The Ridge (2006): Our first horrible offering is supposed to be about an UL about 'The Ridge Runner'. Sorry, but every time they said it in the movie I yelled 'Beep beep!' - which is why my husband doesn't like to watch movies with me. The five people in their 20's were so unlikable, that I not only wished them dead fast, but hoped they were in a lot of pain when they died. They yelled and bitched at each other so horribly you can't help but think, 'Why are you even here? Did you CHOOSE to spend a weekend with people you obviously hate?'

If this were even close, this is where the story would end.

So one tells the others the UL story of 'The Ridge Runner' who supposedly killed a bunch of people years ago. The real story is very, very long but I'll condense it for you: In North Central Idaho is the Clearwater National Forest. The Ridgerunner's true name was William Clyde Morland or Moreland who was born October 1, 1900. When he was 21 he spent time in jail for burglary and larceny in different states, different names. He used about four different names by this time. He was a wanderer and homeless. He wound up in Idaho and people reported thefts, vandalism - he apparently just took whatever he wanted. He was becoming a 'mountain man' in that it took very little provisions in the wilderness for him to survive. His MO when he robbed places was the same - he usually trashed the place.

But he gained sympathy from those living in the vicinity - he was just a little guy trying to survive with nothing. They didn't like that he was filthy and always trashed places he stole from, but was he a threat? Nah. During the winter of 1957 Moreland stole more stuff but hurt/killed no one. He was examined by several doctors who reported that Moreland was suffering from malnutrition and was insane and dangerous. He was committed to the mental hospital. He escaped in 1959 but was quickly re-captured. The last anyone saw him was 1961. Wow. Scary (insert heavy sarcasm here).

So the only part the movie got right was that he trashes houses he robs. That's what they find when they arrive. After that, pure pffffft. They die one by one by a big, voiceless guy in black sweats and a hoody who dispatches them verrrrrrry slowly in the dark. The only half-way interesting factoid was the 'Ridge Runner' was played by a film editor. This was his only acting credit and he probably wants to keep it that way. Oh, and for some reason the blonde guy not only survives but kills TRR and then cries. HE CRIES. Wussy.

Sasquoit's (and Mr. Loomis') pride and joy... 

Mr. Halloween (2007): I had absolutely no expectations for this movie - hey, any film slapped together for $6,000 is gonna be... um... not... good. This is supposed to be a small town with one blinking traffic light. The UL here is 'Hit the red, he will come and you'll be dead.' Was this a real UL? Not really. This was a town project done out of love. See, this very budget conscious film actually featured a real man, Bill Loomis, who in Saquoit DOES have a horror house on Halloween. No, he is not an re-animated corpse. No he does not use the real body parts of kids and teenagers as his 'props'. He is a man nice enough to lend his house (and himself) for this movie to make sort of an UL.

This is part of an actual news story on it: A Sauquoit house has been spooking visitors on Halloween night for 27 years - daring visitors to enter at their own risk and experience zombies, witches, skeletons and more. The tradition began many years ago when Bill Loomis was simply decorating his front porch. Over time, that decorating expanded and began to turn his own house into a haunted house.

Now, he has cleaned out his barn to host a complete haunted house - admission is free. Loomis' love of Halloween and his haunted house brought him and friends to turn it into a movie called Mr. Halloween. "It started out, we made a small movie for my Halloween party, and then the next year make a sequel, and then decided to make a full-length movie," Loomis said.

To read the whole article:

http://www.wktv.com/community/halloween/news/Haunted-house-in-Sauquoit-spooking-visitors-for-more-than-27-years-132823413.html

Mr. Loomis preparing some 'live' entertainment (in the movie)...

The fact that not only was this a first-time project, but that the town got together for it brought this way up on the opinion scale. This movie is as good - or as bad - as many others I've seen with a lot more money and a lot less heart. In the movie any kid (it's gotta be a kid or teenager) who breaks the only traffic light in town will die... but apparently only on Halloween. At the same time, rumors abound that Mr. Loomis (he's playing himself, natch) uses real body parts for his props. So a group of kids set out to do the usual Scooby gang stunt of finding out because... umm... what else is there to do in a small town?

Mr. Loomis receives his 'don't be dead' treatment...

Loomis is a reanimated corpse who, when not arranging his little 'house' sits in a chair with strange tubes running in and out of him and generators chugging away, being cared for by the Sheriff. Oookay. Of course, the horror house IS real and the kids get killed one by one for finding out and being kids. And yes, the Sheriff is in on it, taking care of Loomis' reanimated body.

Low, low budget means any special effects (read blood and guts) are gonna be meh, but for the money they did pretty good. Soundtrack sucked, story was pretty stupid - they stretched it out where one boy was imprisoned a WHOLE YEAR just to die when trying to escape the next year with a new prisoner.

And Loomis is a corpse with clear... stuff in him, but when finally splatted by another Scooby gang, he bleeds all over the place. Whoops. Excellent effort for amateurs, way way WAY too long at 112 minutes.


Bloody Mary (2006): Now THIS one I knew but what this movie does to it makes it just about unrecognizable. Besides being just a bad movie, it takes the icky sticky tale of Bloody Mary (which I was going to shorten to BM for this review but I kept snickering) and twists it into some sort of paranormal/psycho thing that doesn't make any sense and doesn't explain itself.

It also features a small role by Cory Monteith who plays a backstabbing boyfriend who likes to paint in the nude. I had a hundred jokes about this but given his untimely death I'll pass. Watching him die onscreen was also pretty unsettling.

So we know what Bloody Mary is. It has its own wiki page for crying out loud. Again, for the long explanation on where it probably started from, the link is: 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloody_Mary_(folklore)



The wiki version of this movie is: The film begins with a group of nurses at a psychiatric hospital daring a fellow nurse, Nicole, to go into the hospital's basement for a game of Bloody Mary. Playing what the others call "The Mirror Game", she releases the vengeful spirit and is snatched away. When Nicole is reported missing, her writer/reporter sister Natalie decides to investigate on her own.

As the film progresses, more people are killed by the spirit of Bloody Mary (Richard Valentine) in gruesome ways while Natalie uncovers clues about the truth behind her sister's disappearance and Mary herself. Near the end, almost all of the main characters are dead except for Natalie, who discovers that Bloody Mary is actually her mother.

Okay stop stop STOP! While I appreciate that they tried to be brief with a bad movie (and snicker that Bloody Mary was a guy) this is really - not it. Mix in with the above some weird stuff about Mary being some kind of spirit you must 'believe in' to, I dunno, not get killed (though many do anyway). Oh and you have to be totally naked in front of the mirror 'cause... umm... 'cause then guys have a reason to watch it.

Also, those that 'serve' her get this disgusting looking skin condition that's never explained and nowhere did I see (and I did pay attention people) that Mary was supposed to be Natalie's mom. That makes absolutely no sense. That would mean Mary was Nicole's mom and so she killed her own daughter but spared the other one? Pffft.

Also the cop helping her is attacked by a doc in gloves and so shoots him. Umm, gun vs. gloves? Is that even... you know what, never mind. There are a hundred Bloody Mary movies or shows out there (even if they call her something else) so... yeah.


Wages Of Sin (2006): We get it, WE GET IT. If you're religious in a horror movie you are also a lunatic, a liar, a murderer, a psychopath and the main plot. Duh. And since the movie has no original thought in it, why should they name it something interesting? Just getting the IMDb (I always check my facts, 'kay?) I found five movies with that name in the first five seconds. Duh again.

This movie had horrible cinematography and the soundtrack wasn't much better. The way they held the camera on things they wanted to make sure we noticed was like getting swatted on the nose with a newspaper. Duh to the third power.

The story isn't any better: Sue, an adopted child, learns that her biological family is all dead and that she has inherited a house. Now it's at this point you need to say 'Sell that sucker - why do you have to go there?' To make a movie. A baaaad movie.

After a store scene where the camera practically knocked a guy in the face so you'd notice that he was walleyed (nice, make fun of a guy's appearance), Sue, her boyfriend and two other victims get to the house which is... not worth the trip. But she wants to 'learn about her past'. Why? There's a reason she was taken and adopted out, leave it alone why don't you.

Nope. The movie slows almost to a stop as we get into soap opera territory. Not kidding. If you've ever watched soap operas (I must admit for a time years ago I was so hooked that when we moved I jumped up and down until the TV was working so I wouldn't miss a day.) you know how the camera work goes: The guy talks, the camera is almost up his nose. The girl talks, cut away to another camera that also is almost up her nose. And on it goes.

Despite the roaring fire and the heat in the house, their breath is clearly visible through most of the movie. So they suffered from cold while making this? Serves 'em right.

The fun (I'm being sarcastic) really steps up a notch when the Ouija board comes out. That's always good for a laugh and a cheap plot device to show how her friends become 'possessed' by... I don't know. The psycho preacher?

The punchline is her father was a psycho preacher (this is not really an UL, there are a billion stories like this), she was a twin, and her mother had the two of them out of wedlock (Gasp!). So apparently along with being a psycho his dingly-dangly didn't work so good? They don't explain this and you don't really care.

The mother and her twin are murdered for their 'sin' and somehow Sue got out, not remembering anything and being adopted out. Uh huh.

Oh and movie-making guys? If you make a horror film and show an abandoned house that somehow still has a working freezer full to the top with meat, we're gonna guess in the first five seconds that it's human. Having the college kids eat it though was fun, thank you.

Oh and the lack of continuity was fun too, thanks. The remaining living kids peel off in their car in pitch dark, only to wind up at the house - in daylight. Frustrated they take off again - in pitch dark and wind up at the house... say it with me... SAY IT... in daylight.

At the end she is the only one out and somehow ends up at a hospital nine months preggers and her doc is... now I really don't have to tell you, do I?

If this WAS an urban legend of some kind and I'm missing the point somehow, let me know - I'll gladly print it. But for now, to me it was just a blanket treatment of every other psycho preacher story that's repeated a thousand times in other horror movies and books.

And fortunately that's all folks and more of my horror worksheets (patent pending) are now in the recycle bin, kind of like this DVD should be...

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HORROR MOVIES MADE BY ROCK STARS ARE REALLY REALLY... UNPREDICTABLE


Nothing Left To Fear (2013)

I think I've watched every movie Rob Zombie's ever made (even his mammary-heavy cartoon). Now did I think they were good? Yes and no. Yes that Rob had some really unique ideas for a horror movie, no because he sometimes has the ideas but doesn't seem to follow through. I'm sticking my neck out by saying this was apparent in Lords Of Salem. I really REALLY wanted to see that movie, and when I did... I scratched my head, thought 'I need to really pay more attention' and watched it again. I came to the same conclusion. He had a great idea, he had lush sets and music aaaaaand not much of a story. Or at least a story that seemed like he started strong and rushed to finish.

But in a world where the WWE is now producing its OWN horror flicks and doing a halfway decent job, as well as a young set of twins named Soska in Canada who are well on their way to becoming a very daunting force in future horror, when I heard that Guns 'N Roses former guitarist Slash was going to form his own horror production company I just shrugged and said, 'Why not?' - how bad could he be?

Truth? At least my truth? The only really disappointing thing about this project was the name he chose for his company - Slasher Productions. Uh huh. HOWEVER the movie itself turned out to be.... meh, pretty much what I expected but then they usually are. So what went wrong with this one (which had some peculiar if not outright baffling casting)?

This movie picks on the (very) small town of Stull, Kansas. Never heard of it? Yeah, the citizens there wish you never had either. An unincorporated town, it has a very plain and normal history. Yet somehow along the way it picked up an absolutely ridiculous rumor. The kind you can't even make any money from. I mean, do you think they got any money from this movie (which was NOT filmed there)? Nope. As briefly as I can (you know me) - this small community started in the 19th century and was originally called Deer Creek Community. In the middle of the 1800's there were six families. Woo hoo. 

While over the years the population hasn't exactly exploded, there were enough to have a church, a cemetery, and a post office. They were going to put in a bank and an electric railway but those never came to fruition. And then the rumors started. Soon EVERYBODY knew that Stull, Kansas sat directly on a gateway to hell. This isn't the first place that has gotten that reputation but for poor little Stull this was not an opportunity for growth or fame.

They, in a word, despaired. Stull is just a tiny town outside of Lawrence and really didn't want a reputation. I sometimes complain I live in a really dull area (no abandoned sanitariums, huge houses people are scared to death of, no cursed areas) but this kind of reputation I would not wish on anybody, even my little town. How did the rumors start? That's hard to pin down, whether you check sites that swear to its authenticity or sites that tell you it's total bullcrap (which I'm more inclined to believe). 'Mysterious' deaths have happened there. 

Umm, what? Death within families and hangings are hardly the fodder of demon hellmouth material. The way some of it reads, it sounds like a script to Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Stull has tried to squash all the rumors about possible demonic or cult activity within the tiny space their town occupies with limited and sporadic success.

This movie is NOT going to help them any. In fact, reading of some of the supposed 'haunted' things that have happened there makes me feel bad for them. Some even encourage ghost seekers to 'camp out', especially on the grounds of the former church (which was torn down due to becoming dangerously dilapidated) which was supposed to have been built over the hellmouth itself. Now THAT idea is ancient and not solely American.

From the rise of the so-called Christian faiths, it has often been believed that many of the first churches were built over 'cursed' sites (read hellmouth here although that word isn't specifically used) in order to seal off and keep the evil down below where it belonged. For those that believe in hell that is, and that it is under our feet. It reminded me of a show I used to watch on the BBC called, appropriately, Strange. It was about John Strange, an ex-priest who had dedicated his life to hunting down demons and the darker side of the church, a task which some of his former bosses stand in the way of. It lasted a whole six episodes but those six were pretty darn good.

Whoops, off topic, sorry. Bottom line with Stull is that stories can start and explode even in the tiniest spaces and this kind of publicity Stull does NOT need. What the people of Stull need most is to be left alone. I'm afraid this movie is not going to help them do that. Too bad - a story about a supposed hellmouth could have been made up anywhere and not pointed fingers at any particular place, but somehow being able to use those cursed words 'based on real events' is just too tempting for filmmakers who are interested in dollars, not common sense (Like that little pun?).

But I guess it saved time when coming up with a story. It's kind of lazy to take an urban legend and form your movie around it. Sorry Slash, 'cause the direction, acting and musical score were very good. But the story - ugh. We start in the poor, raped town of Stull - its lone Pastor (played by Clancy Brown, always a welcome site even in a WTH role) is retiring so a new family is moving in, the father a new Pastor to replace him. So we have dad (James Tupper), mom (Anne Heche) who in real life are actually a couple with a child, older sister (played pretty well by Midnight Movie's Rebekah Brandes), younger sister (Jennifer Stone, Wizards of Waverly Place) and a little brother.

They arrive and we get the typical stares from the 'natives' as they meet with the retiring pastor and find out a little something about the town they've moved to. Why the suspicious stares and making them feel weird? They DID ask them to come there for crying out loud. So even though the score makes you feel uneasy and builds tension (which is what it's supposed to do, great stuff Slash) the situation is pedestrian. You've got the seemingly only teenage boy in town attracted to the older girl, the old people giving them what we like to call 'the stink eye' for no reason and... we get the usual type of 'appease the demons' type of movie.

The family get a blue cake (Blue? Ick, that would go directly into the trash.) from one of the friendlier people but they're too occupied to eat it. And we've got strange conversations between the Pastor and the teenage boy. So something's up, duh. Oh, and if you're wondering how could such a small town look so incredibly modern and.... LARGE it's 'cause this movie was filmed in Louisiana - three different places in Louisiana. So it appears that Stull doesn't even want to be in a movie for real - they want to be left alone. Can't blame them.

Anyway, the middle girl is the first to take a slice of cake and promptly cuts the roof of her mouth on a huge tooth in the cake. GAG. That. Was. Gross. The older sister and teenage boy, Noah (Ethan Peck, The Sorcerer's Apprentice) take care of her - the sis getting her a cloth, the boy sneaking the tooth into his pocket and throwing out the cake. So this apparently means that the middle child has been 'chosen'. For what?

This is what gets me about these kinds of movies. Demons are simply Angels that refuse to serve God. They are extremely powerful. Why do these writers think they have to follow all these stupid rules? There were rules for them and they broke them. That didn't turn them into incomprehensible creatures that mere humans have powers over... just because. And all these stupid rules and rites... you know the Demons are laughing at you, right? 

In this case, only every so many years, this rumored hellmouth under Stull opens up, one demon comes up but not in its own body, oh no, can't have that - it 'possesses' a chosen young one to wreak havoc for a bit and then be sent back, and the hellmouth will be closed for another period of time. Ick. What a waste of a movie.

So the chosen girl, Mary, gets sicker and sicker and finally it takes over and she turns into - nothing like what's on the movie poster. Why do they do that? Sheesh. But she looks pretty ridiculous (and heavily CGI'd) and sure enough, she kills off her family one by one (except for the oldest girl) and is sent back where she - excuse me I mean it - came from. No matter what the older sister Rebecca (well that name was convenient) and her new beau Noah tries, it happens. Like it's happened over and over since ???

Noah pretty much knew this anyway - after all, he's the sole survivor of another family tricked into moving into their town. Why Rebecca still likes him after knowing that... never mind. In the end, the family dies, the 'Demon' is sent back and the town starts fresh. In the end, a new family is brought to town, with Rebecca looking grimly at them but not warning them or anything, as she is now absorbed by the town's populace I guess. Duh.

Despite the duh story I look forward to future projects from Slash - like I said the score was wonderful and I loved the song he played at the end 'Nothing Left To Fear' (I know, I know) although the song was horribly ripped apart by, I guess, Axl Rose fans.

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#WHAT #THE #(BLEEP) #IS #UP #WITH #THE #HASHTAG?





Hold Your Breath aka #HoldYourBreath (2012)

I do NOT Twitter. I'm not trashing it, I just don't get it. I tried it for a while but getting bits and pieces of other people's conversation that I didn't understand wasn't worth all the time trying to follow and put together. Plus I don't feel people want to know what I'm doing or thinking every minute of the day. Isn't that what Facebook is for?

This is yet another boring and cheap effort by horror-by-the-pound company The Asylum so right away I knew any extra research I did would be a hell of a lot more entertaining than the movie itself. And I was right. This plays on the urban legend fear that if you drive by a cemetery and don't hold your breath, a wandering spirit can inhabit you. Massive duh. So of course we have seven young people you hope die quick going on a weekend trip and one refuses to hold his breath. Again, massive duh.

See, the moronic backstory is that in 1956 at the Goodchild Sanitarium For The Criminally Insane a nasty killer named Detrich Van Klaus is about to be executed in the electric chair. Now let's stop a moment. A SANITARIUM is going to EXECUTE a criminal. Umm, no. A Sanitarium (or sanatorium or sanitorium) is a place that, in the US at least, at the beginning of the 20th century was used mostly for the long-term care of those with tuberculosis. With some, if you had the money you could get residence at really nice ones that were more like resorts, others, not so lucky. They did NOT execute anyone.

A lunatic asylum (or more nicely put a mental hospital) was for the insane - those who either voluntarily committed themselves and those who were committed either by relatives or the justice system. They did NOT execute anyone either. So major, MAJOR duh from the beginning.

Then we come to the urban legend. I've heard lots of versions of this and it has about the same impact of 'step on a crack break your mother's back'. In other words, it's crap. But because this movie is so incredibly boring I thought I'd print a couple of these just for the hell of it. If you want some old-time death traditions, watch the Panic! At The Disco video 'The Ballad Of Mona Lisa' (Contrary to the popular meme I DO know more PATD songs than I Write Sins Not Tragedies) and it will give you some basic rules (Some reasons according to different sources are in italics:

1. Open A Window: All windows should be opened at the moment of death so the soul may have a speedy journey to the other side.
2. Close It Two Hours Later
3. Stop All Clocks And Cover All Mirrors: Mirrors in the house with a corpse should be covered or the person who sees himself will die next.
4. Bathe The Body (Keeping a white cloth on the face)
5. Lay The Body In White
6. Allow The People To Wail And Lament: Bodies were watched over every minute for 3-4 days after death to prevent a premature burial for someone who might simply be in a coma rather than actually dead.

Some of these are pagan rituals, some are... I dunno, just stupid? The whole point was to, I guess, convince the spirit of the dead person to leave without messing anybody up. I dunno. But anywho, as far as urban legends and death goes, here's just a couple:

• A person must hold their breath when passing a cemetery or they will breathe in the spirit of someone who has recently died. Tuck your thumbs into your fists when passing a cemetery to protect your parents.
• Collecting epitaphs from tombstones is unlucky and will result in losing your memory.
• Being near or in an open grave cures all manner of illness including toothache, boils, and incontinence.

Why am I blathering on and not telling you about the movie? Not much to tell really. They of course get possessed one by one, take a quick trip through the sanitarium (which they keep calling prison, good job guys) and kill each other - too damn slowly. The first one didn't die until 50 minutes in. That's inexcusable for such a boring movie.

The gore is below acceptable for the amount they tried to show - ripped out eyeballs always had the look of marbles and the wounds looked like they were days old; the most they did try was cutting a young lady in half while she was tied to a tree - but they only showed it from far away, to keep the cheapness and fake quality of the special effect hidden I guess.

And what the ever loving hell were they thinking at the end of the movie? I'm not just talking about the ending itself which WAS lame beyond belief but switching vehicles with every scene? Did they think we wouldn't notice? Now I do NOT know cars. I only know this was a Chevrolet Suburban because they had nice product placement and showed the logo several times. But in the getaway scene at the end even I had to pause the movie a couple of times cause - wait a damn minute - the cars were different. 

How did I know? They didn't even have the same damn license plates for crying out loud. Did they really think we wouldn't notice? C'mon folks, how many seconds does it take to change a license plate? I did that myself when I worked at a dealership (which I wouldn't recommend for anyone wanting to keep their sanity) and I can tell you it's a simple, quick procedure.

But as I said I don't know spit about cars so I looked this movie up to see if I was just being a bitch 'cause I had to sit through yet another 'oh gosh a spirit - wait we killed him - wait it's still alive after all' kind of movie. It turns out that during the (brief) getaway scene where they drove out of the cemetery (Which they alternatively called a graveyard - get a freaking dictionary, would you? Graveyards are next to churches...) onto the road they used SIX VEHICLES. Why? They were travelling down a dirt road onto pavement, they weren't traversing the jungles of Africa. Massive, massive duh and an appropriate end to yet another The Asylum abortion.