WORKING THROUGH THE PILE OF DRAFTS AND FINDING THAT DAMMIT I HAVE TO WATCH THE MOVIES AGAIN TO MAKE SENSE OF MY NOTES PLUS MY MEMORY IS KAPUT AND GEEZ, HAVEN'T I ALREADY WATCHED THIS TWICE AND NOW I'M DOING IT AGAIN AND I HAVE YET ANOTHER NAZI MOVIE TO GO...

Frankenstein's Army (2013) US/Netherlands/Czech Republic

Somewhere in Hollywood we-don't-give-a-shit land, greedy overlords were desperate to find a way to earn their million for the week. They met around their solid oak table that approximated the cost of three houses and pondered for five minutes. Then they decided to write their ideas on a piece of paper and throw it in the I-don't-give-a-shit box. What they didn't count on was the president had had 'friends' over the night before (EXPENSIVE friends) and he had a hell of a hangover, so he hadn't heard that they were only going to pick ONE idea. Instead this genius took all the scraps of paper, laid them out on the table and said, "This is our next movie!"

So there you go. This movie really has no particular genre - no, scratch that. This movie can be put in any genre you choose, depending on your mood at the moment. It is a horror-creature-feature-sci-fi-Frankenstein-war-found-footage film. With whipped cream on top.

It does have its moments though. I wouldn't say run from this movie, maybe a slow walk would suffice. It also wouldn't hurt much to watch it just once. I'm just being a wussy 'cause to get this review done for good (instead of drafts I can't understand because it's been too long) I've watched this bloody thing at least three times. Pffft. Double DUH on me, I know.

You think they'd have run like
hell when they found Frank Tank...

So. This is WWII and we are with the Russians in this one. If I interrupt with a couple of 'facts', it's only because I care about your welfare and if you can at least learn a little bit of history it's worth it right? I know I learn from these 'cause school didn't do squat but teach me how to memorize facts for 24 hours, then forget everything. It wasn't a bad school, I was a lazy student.

Kentucky Fried Nuns... yeah, I know,
I already slapped my hands with a ruler...

Oh yeah, Russians. They are currently under the thumb of Stalin. At the beginning of the film a man, using what's supposed to be a camera of the age, announces that he is Dimitri and he is doing this for the mausoleum and for Stalin. Sigh. What's a mausoleum got to do with it? Short answer: That's where they put Lenin. Stalin was in it until 1961 before it was quietly removed. There were no ceremonies and no fanfare. 

About 300 feet from the mausoleum, Stalin's body was buried near other minor leaders of the Revolution. Stalin's body was placed near the Kremlin wall, half-hidden by trees. A few weeks later, a simple dark granite stone marked the grave with the very simple, "J. V. STALIN 1879-1953." In 1970, a small bust was added to the grave.

...and this is where techno came from...

Sorry, that wasn't very short, was it? Anywho, right now the Russians are fighting Nazis - their group has the required stereotypes - the peacemaker, the asshole, the lied-about-his-age-to-fight kid, the photographer of course, and others. Two are Jewish - one escaped Krakow as the Nazis invaded and so wanted to fight to avenge his mother. 

You're the only guy we've come across
but don't worry, we're too dense to figure out
that you're Viktor so you're safe...

Everyone seems to have their own agenda, and we are beat over the head with the message that 'no matter what side you're on if you war against others you are a monster' kind of thing. Just because this didn't have American troops in it doesn't mean they wouldn't have acted just this way. War is hell and people become desperate when the death of another means that you get to live.

And don't think I'm picking on Germans, 'cause this is a Nazi problem - the Nazis threw a lot of German people in the camps as well. There were many colored triangles delegated to the different 'undesirables':

• Red triangle - political prisoners: social democrats, socialists, trade unionists, Freemasons, communists, and anarchists.
• Green triangle - "professional criminals" (convicts, often working in the camps as Kapos).
• Blue triangle - foreign forced laborers, emigrants.
• Purple triangle - primarily Jehovah's Witnesses (over 99%), and members of other small religious groups. They were considered a triple threat because they were Pacifist (and therefore had to refuse both voluntary military service and conscription), were forbidden to swear oaths (and therefore couldn't swear loyalty to the party or allegiance to Hitler), and socially and politically opposed the Nazi party.
• Pink triangle - primarily homosexual men, as well as sexual offenders including rapists, pedophiles and zoophiles.
• Black triangle - people who were deemed "asocial elements" and "work shy" including Roma (Gypsies later assigned a brown triangle), the mentally ill, alcoholics, vagrants and beggars, pacifists, conscription resisters, prostitutes, some anarchists, drug addicts
• Brown triangle - Roma (Gypsies), primarily men. Previously wore the black triangle with a "Z" notation to the right of the triangle's point.
• Uninverted red triangle - an enemy POW, German spy or traitor, or a military deserter or criminal.

And in case the US starts feeling superior I know more than a few Japanese immigrants sent to internment camps in your country that would like to speak with you.

Ahem. The soapbox is in the closet and we are gonna do this movie if it kills you... umm I mean kills me. Let's see, Russian detail with a movie maker in tow to catch the 'action' for Stalin. Yay. While in battle the men act all brave and noble, but when they approach a small cluster of houses, they kill all they find and steal the rest. And that was normal for all sides.

They find a monastery with a pile of burning nuns - all the religious trappings are piled in corners and huge generators are providing electricity to... something. They find a "man" hooked up to electrical wires, stitched all over, blind, with a drill for a hand. He manages to kill one of them before being shot up by the soldiers. 

After lots of monsters (the most interesting part of this movie - definitely puts 'creature feature' into the movie) they discover they've been chasing a 'radio signal' set up for them to find - and the cameraman, Dima, is involved. He's the one who'd been blocking their transmissions so they could stumble onto the monastery. He outranks them all and blackmails them with the lives of their families in case they want to kill him.

They keep going down, down, down, until they think they've found the actual 'lab'. To get there they have to go down a blood-slick shute and the others decide that Dima should be first - whether he has the ability to get their families killed or not. They throw down all his gear and leave him groaning on top of a pile of assorted body pieces. After cussing out everyone he can think of (including Stalin) Dima watches as another monster grabs his gear bag (probably thinking it another body) and throws it on the pile he is pushing in a mine cart. Dima follows. 

Teddy Ruxpins always did creep me out...

It's a regular assembly line of monsters making more monsters. Dimitri realizes he's gonna die. On his last roll of film, he apologizes to his mother and father, as they too were being held captive unless he did this job for Stalin. Now they will die too. For one last dash at freedom he runs and finds the doctor's office - full of everything a mad doctor could want - including a teddy bear with a woman's head belonging to Viktor's mother apparently (Just in time for Christmas!).

After watching more... gore, he decides to make a run for it. The movie becomes like the POV of a video game player, running down hallways, meeting monsters, turning to different hallways, meeting more monsters, etc. It's nauseating. He runs into what was formerly Ivan and being movie-stupid assumes that means it won't kill him. It tries. But nope. Now we FINALLY see the actual doctor as he tries to figure out how to work the camera (it's upside down for a bit) and he has another man sitting at his table. 

It's Dimitri. The doctor wants to film him and Dimitri together. He feeds him Eintopf, a traditional type of German stew which can consist of a great number of different ingredients. Technically, the term refers to a way of cooking all ingredients in one pot, not to any specific recipe. Dimitri gags although he's fed by force because he realizes that there's got to be at least chunks of human in the stew but the Dr. wants him 'strong' to film his work. 

Viktor's specialty was novelty Halloween decorations...

The doc explains his dad told him man needed hammers and screwdrivers for hands to be more efficient, but when the doc tried it on cats the dad said it was against God and beat him for it. So he's been screwed up since birth.

Dad died (Viktor killed him) and he was sent to the camps until the Sturmbannführer (equivalent to a major) asked about his cats and whether he could do the same to people. Yup. He used his grandfather's techniques but had generators instead of thunderstorms. He gets mad when Dima suggests their automated machines - he insists they're alive and they eat Eintopf. He shows his next project - the fusing of two soldiers brains together, the right side from one and the left from another (massive duh - like pulling out half a brain and plunking it into another skull would work - meh, who am I kidding - they don't care).

Jabba's gonna be pissed when he
finds out that Oola is moonlighting...

The gist of the deal is the Russians want Viktor to help them win the war and since the Russian front is closing in on them he hopes Viktor will take the deal and they can both make like a hockey stick and get the puck out of there. But Viktor believes that a half-n-half soldier will end the war. No, it'll just hit itself in the face 'til it dies, asshole, sheesh. Dima's fine when the skull comes off the Nazi, but when his 'comrade' gets the drill, he passes out. Waking up he finds there is no deal and he's about to become one of the 'experiments'.

Viktor has already been in a Nazi camp, he expects no better from Russia. But alas, the bombing begins before he can cut Dima open. He decides to leave Dima tied up and take his camera, but he is shot in the back before he can grab it. Who shot him? Sasha, the youngest I-lied-about-my-age soldier. 

Dima has a shitfit because it was Viktor that was going to save his own life and his parents. Sasha takes Viktor's head, the camera bag and, of course, the camera. He leaves Dima behind.

Our last picture is a (supposedly) old photo of Stalin, with Sasha right beside him. Huh. I don't seem to feel bad for Dimitri at all.

                        

A CREATURE FEATURE THAT'S GOOD, ENTERTAINING, AND HIGHLY AFFORDABLE...

Grabbers (2012) Ireland/UK

As a creature feature and self-described cult film, this movie seems to be very polarizing - people either loved it or hated it. I'm not sure why feelings either way were so strong - like the very popular Tremors, this film was simply what it was supposed to be - a bit of fluff to enjoy with a bit of a story and a big monster. No big whoop.

Forward Films is spanking new. They have only three movies under their belt, including this one, with a Danish Western of all things due to be shown at the Cannes Festival on May 17, with a release date of October 2, 2014. Although it is Danish it was shot in Johannesburg, South Africa (?!?)

Of course, even though I liked the movie a lot, I've still got all my snarks in a row - but since this is mostly Miss Mayhem's

review, I'll just butt in with one or five or so throughout. She enjoyed it also, and was very relieved when I assured her it was nothing like the movie Alien (by the way, we lost an extremely talented Swiss surrealist painter, sculptor and set designer who, besides working on the original Alien movie was also known for his art on famous album covers, as well as an, ahem, unique microphone for Korn's Jonathan Davis - H.R. Giger, who was 74, passed away May 13, 2014).

Before I could really get going though, Miss Mayhem reminded me of a few things - one, it's a film from Ireland who really don't have a ton of horror movies out there (true - the wiki only lists 19, but then again I don't know what years they cover). Two, they did a pretty decent job of balancing both actual models and CGI versions of the 'monster' - especially since they only spent what in US dollars equaled around $6.7 million which is.... damned cheap really. Watch the movie - it WILL impress you. So she begins:

Miss Mayhem: Our movie starts on an island off the Irish coast which is just beautiful... which island? Umm... 

Miss Murder: Ireland is itself an island and the list of smaller 'islands' goes on for miles - and those are off the ocean. You should see the list for those on lakes and rivers. But this says Erin Island which may be an inside joke because Erin means both "Ireland" and "west" - the name given by Scotland. But this island (whichever it actually is) IS very beautiful with small towns and rolling hills and beautiful beaches... hmm, I think I know where I want to live. For this movie they had two locations: Belfast, County Antrim and County Donegal. Apparently it was one of the coldest winters they've had in a long time and shooting the film was pretty miserable to everybody.


Miss Mayhem: So at the start, a fishing boat is out at night when they see a massive bright light in the sky which plummets into the ocean...

Miss Murder: And no meteorologist or astronomer saw this coming? Huge fireballs out of the sky and they just sneak up on us?

Miss Mayhem: Ahem. Soon the three on the boat are killed by... something. The next day pilot whales are found washed up on the beach, ripped to pieces. I was relieved to find that one was a prop, the rest were digital.

Miss Murder: LOTS of CGI in this one...

Miss Mayhem: A local named Paddy (yes, I know), who's the colorful town drunk (besides Coyle) finds one in a lobster trap (obviously a small one) and puts it in his bathtub to keep it wet. He's not worried about safety, he's mostly thinking of money. Meanwhile we have two policepersons (called Garda, and definitely not carrying sidearms) Ciarán O'Shea (Richard Coyle), who drinks constantly since his wife left him, and his new partner for two weeks while another is on vacation, a volunteer named Lisa Nolan (Ruth Bradley). 

But even though Paddy's 'alien' is small enough to fit in the lobster trap, it's nasty enough to first spit... something all over him, then attack him with what I thought was a tentacle but apparently it's a tongue. It tries to drink Paddy's blood...

Miss Murder: Wait, wait, wait, WAIT... what??? Let's get this straight for the reader. An alien. From space. Crashes unseen to earth (okay the ocean). It needs water and BLOOD? What, did it come from Blood Planet? Planet Of The Bloody Creatures? Planet...

Miss Mayhem: This is not MST3K and we are NOT riffing, okay? Paddy beats the alien to death (he thinks) and takes it to the local marine ecologist...

Miss Murder: Because every small island has to have...

Miss Mayhem: Shhhhh. You're sick, remember? Let me drive. Despite the ecologist wanting to find the genus of the species...

Miss Murder: Did you say genius?

Miss Mayhem: What, you can't read now either? Go sit over there and play with your Wii.

Miss Murder: I don't have a...

Miss Mayhem: READ A BOOK! Anyway, Paddy is determined to call the thing a 'Grabber' since that's what it did to him. The name sticks. Since by now several people have been murdered (they found one severed head - not very real looking but for a small budget film not bad) they wonder why Paddy's still alive. They're quick to figure out (this film's 94 minutes so they gotta move along so you can see the REAL monster) that this alien that somehow needs Earth's water and blood cannot take alcohol (which Paddy thinks is a food group).

Miss Murder: In this land of incredible dumbity and coincidences, a severe storm is coming which means there's no help coming from the mainland - AND there'll be lots of water to keep the other monster very happy (they figured the captive one was female when they discovered she was full of eggs - each one the size of her body - ouch!). They also discover that the male is the size of a house. Okay, we've got the setup for the next silly bit.

Basically, every person left on the island (many had gone to the mainland at the beginning of the film, probably so they wouldn't be stuck in this movie) has to meet at the pub and get stinking drunk in order to keep them safe from the CGI monster.

Miss Mayhem: It wasn't all CGI - they had close ups so they did have quite a bit of real models so it was a pretty neat combination.

Miss Murder: With some movie duh mixed in...

Miss Mayhem: Later. The two Garda draw the people into the pub by declaring that the alcohol is free. They had gotten the newbie drunk (she usually doesn't drink) to find out how much one has to drink to equal Paddy's BAC (that's blood alcohol lever by the way) of .20 and they figure eight pints each at least. They think that's a lot.

Miss Murder: Meh, I've seen one blow .42 before and he was still breathing.

Miss Mayhem: Good for you. 

Miss Murder: Everybody starts to have a good time and all of a sudden they're singing an Irish drinking song that sounds... very familiar. I'm listening as close as I can (it's on the jukebox and their singing is pretty slurred but the one I knew was this (not my video of course, but enjoy):

They, of course, are not the only ones who have re-done this song. I had always wondered why Metallica (with recently shorn locks that upset the metal world) would sing;

I first produced my pistol and then produced my rapier. I said: "Stand and deliver or the devil he may take ya". Musha ring dum-a do dum-a da,Whack for my daddy-o, Whack for my daddy-o, There's whiskey in the jar-o.

The rest of the words to Whiskey In The Jar depend on whose singing the song - The Dubliners, The Grateful Dead, Thin Lizzy, or Metallica. What were the original words? Since it's thought that the song began somewhere in the 17th century, no one is exactly sure.

Everyone gets stinking drunk, except for Garda O'Shea (Coyle) who volunteered to stay sober to keep everyone safe. But the drunk marine ecologist decides he wants a 'selfie' of the monster and him for National Geographic (and Facebook - his words). He's right in that the monster can't eat him, but it does fling him for what looked like over a mile - and he's dead.

Miss Murder: Are you sure? Did you see the body?

Miss Mayhem: I have duct tape and I'm not afraid to use it. Next to go outside is a gentleman who doesn't want to wait in line for the bathroom.

Miss Murder: The Piss Of Death.

Miss Mayhem: Do we have to....

Miss Murder: THE PISS OF DEATH!!! Or at least it would have been, but he's rescued by the two Garda who've been in their vehicle watching the building. There apparently were a lot of eggs so now we have 'Attack Of The Killer CGI Babies'. Or, to be more graphic, big nasty slugs with round, teeth filled mouths.

Miss Mayhem: Even drunk and without the ecologist, they

figure the huge male is looking for his mate. Paddy makes a comment that the male must smell his mate near the building which is why he's there. O'Shea realizes that the female, who had spit on him also when the 'dead' thing had revived (until they bludgeoned it to death - again) so he 'smells' enough for the male to follow, determines to lead the thing to a construction site. 

Miss Murder: What could they possibly be constructing on a small fishing island? I mean the hole they're leading it to is freaking deep...

Miss Mayhem: Let me tell this, okay? Just take another pain pill. The male monster follows them to the site...

Miss Murder: (slurring words a little) Wait a sec, I remember something...

Miss Mayhem: Go lie down or something.

Miss Murder: No no - this is where I was bashing the CGI really good. See, they're in the pouring rain - I mean soaking wet rain with this huge monster which I know is mostly CGI...

Miss Mayhem: And?

Miss Murder: Well, look at it bit by bit. The shot of O'Shea and Nolan has pouring rain and them soaking wet. Then it cuts to the monster - wet, no rain. Back, rain. Back, no rain. Back, rain...

Miss Murder: I think there's a chocolate bar left in the fridge. Good girl. Now to finish: We get a tense finish as the plan to lure the monster onto a forklift (the idea being to keep it out of water and let the sun kill it) is a no go because there's no forklift - then O'Shea falls into the big hole and hurts his leg. The 'Grabber' jumps in to kill him - and is pinned to the earth as a drunken Nolan, who had found a large piece of equipment, drives it right into the hole on top of the monster, pinning it down and keeping it there.

It's not dead however, and grabs O'Shea again - but he was just given a bottle of the stuff Paddy's been making and it did not like it a bit. Nolan grabs the flare gun they had (with no weapons they were reduced to things like super soakers and household items) and shoots explosives that are conveniently left in the open at the bottom of the pit. After O'Shea gets out of the way of course.

Now it's morning and the two Garda are walking back to town. Then we see the beach, and at least five more monster eggs, one beginning to hatch.

I'm going to end this before Miss Murder finishes her candy bar.

❦❦❦ Miss Mayhem ❦ ❦ ❦

AN ABOVE AVERAGE CREATURE FEATURE WHICH LEAD TO... A WHOLE BUNCH MORE CREATURE FEATURES AKA ATTACK OF THE SUBTERRANEAN B-MOVIES.... FOR THE THIRD TIME



Tremors 3: Back To Perfection (2001)

I hate repeating myself but since it fits this series: I really don't like creature features. The Tremors movies are a definite exception. Even with this third installment when usually movie franchises start to wind down it still managed to come up with good stuff. I was supposed to do this some time ago and it's not that I didn't want to, but my friend Tim Forston is very smart and very funny and it takes all my brain power to keep up with him and I just haven't had it. Still don't, so I hope I don't muck this one up. And Tim starts:

Tim: As the title says, this installment to the Tremors series takes us back to Perfection, Nevada.

Shoy: Otherwise known as Santa Clarita, California.

Tim: We're going to do this again?

Shoy: Yup.

Tim: Sigh. Aaand we jump straight into the action with everyone's favorite monster hunter Burt Gummer. He's been hunting some Shriekers in... Argentina. Yeah, that is totally random. We are told that the local authorities couldn't handle a single Graboid that exploded into Shriekers. And this time Burt is prepared for some totally Gummerific overkill.

Shoy: Sounds like a candy.

Tim: Shush, adults are talking. Once he's finished we then head back to Perfection. We arrive and see Miguel from the first movie...

Shoy: I didn't see him.

Tim: Clean your glasses. We learn that Burt has recently Graboid-proofed his compound with a two foot thick steel reinforced wall around his land. Sides AND bottom. How he got it underneath his house we may never know. Creative license I guess.

Shoy: Maybe carpenter moles?

Tim: Really?

Shoy: What, they're not union?

Tim: Can you please be quiet for five minutes? Then we meet Jodi Chang, Walter's niece (you all remember him) who has taken over Chang's market. She has in inventory some awesome comic books: Graboids, Shriekers, Graboids vs Shriekers - an important plot point - man would I like to get my hands on those!

Shoy: I actually checked to see if they ever existed - after all in the movies the comics are supposed to be made by Dark Horse, a company in Milwaukie, Oregon (neighboring Portland) - about an hour from where I live and makers of my fave comic series (You might know a couple - one, for example, is Hellboy). 

So I found a site that claims to be the 'ultimate Tremors facts page' and the answer is: 'Yeah, we know. But the answer is always the same: Universal does not seem to be interested in pursuing those ideas.' I guess they say that 'cause there's also people clamoring for action figures and other movie memorabilia...

Tim: If they had them, I'd have them. And I don't. So they don't.

Shoy: That's what I just said.


Tim: Oh, I wasn't listening, sorry. Not. So we learn that the Argentinians gave Burt a very expensive watch that updates the accuracy of its time by ultrasonic frequencies. Why do they point that out you may ask? Plot point! Plot point! Plot point!

Shoy: Calm down worm boy.

Tim: Ahem. Meanwhile, Earl and Grady have made a successful monster theme park - but not in this movie.

Shoy: Then why -

Tim: Aaaand we then meet Perfection's newest entrepreneur/scam artist 'Desert' Jack Sawyer. He is running a pseudo Graboid tour. He takes tourists out in the desert...

Shoy: And shoots them in the head, burying them and taking all their possessions.

Tim: My God, you're sick! Which movie were you watching, anyway?

Shoy: Sorry, guess all the horror movies got to me.

Tim: Anyway, he fakes a Graboid attack with dust plumes and a video, then gets everyone 'safely' to a rock and sells extremely overpriced sodas and beer - he's making a killing - in money, Shoy. Back in town we learn Mindy (Ariana Richards) is back in town, because she had to quit school. The writers had a sense of humor in this one, throwing in an in-joke about Graboids being called 'Tremors' (small chuckle). Unfortunately, Jack Sawyer, while conducting one of his 'tours' finds that the worms have returned. His assistant is eaten by an actual Graboid (good thing he was an unlikable idiot).

Shoy: And I'm sick?

Tim:  Jack, Mindy and Jack's customers barely manage to escape to warn the town as Jack's only pistol is a prop, and Burt determines there are three Graboids in the area. He's instantly ready to go hunting but Nancy thinks they should call in the cavalry, pointing out that they aren't cut off this time. He disagrees but she goes behind everyone's back and contacts the Feds.

Shoy: Who was Nancy?

Tim: Mindy's mother - didn't you pay attention?

Shoy: Yes, I did... mostly. Sometimes. I think.

Tim: You. Are. Ridiculous. As in real life with endangered species (even if they're dangerous to humans), a team of government agents show up and try to do what they do best - kick out the people and protect the Graboids. Isn't Eminent Domain wonderful? A brief definition for those not familiar with that term: Eminent Domain refers to the power possessed by the government to take private property for public use by virtue of the superior dominion of the sovereign power over all lands within its jurisdiction. 

That's fancy talk for if they want it, they take it - even if it's really yours. It's Burt's worst nightmare. In order to keep his reinforced bunker, Burt agrees to help the Feds capture a Graboid by means of tranquilizers. This way he and the other residents get to kill the other two and keep their homes. And we get to reacquaint ourselves with everyone's favorite turd, Melvin Plug - last seen in Tremors 1.

Shoy: Hey, careful - this is a kid friendly site... wait, no it isn't - sorry, go ahead.

Tim: He has grown from an annoying teenager to an annoying adult real estate agent who wants to turn Perfection into a huge subdivision. He quickly runs off however when he sees Burt get eaten. WHAT? Burt eaten? Oh, he got swallowed all right, but he was inside a conveniently placed steel barrel and now is the only survivor of a Graboid snack. Jack drives and leads the Burt-laden Graboid through Burt's gate (not quite through, it's been Graboid-proofed) and a chainsaw later sees that our hero has come back (whew). Graboids turn into Shriekers like in Tremors 2...

Shoy: My turn. Again doing research, Tremors 1 and most of 2 was done the old fashioned way - the Graboids were full-sized puppets or miniatures in some scenes. In Tremors 2, the Shriekers were CGI'd but because the software was, I dunno, outdated or something, they couldn't use the same stuff so for Tremors 3 both the Graboids and new models of Shriekers made from laser scans of the old are CGI'd.

Tim: Huh. Like I was saying, Graboids turn into Shriekers and some Feds get eaten (no big surprise there). While preparing to hunt down the Shriekers our characters get trapped on a rock.

Shoy: You'd think that by the third movie they'd have learned not to do that.

Tim: (Covering ears) One Graboid did not charge because it's an albino (Plot point!). After the characters are saved from the rock, they discover empty husks, showing that the Shriekers have yet again evolved into something else. Their new foe shows up quickly and we now know that not only are they aggressive, but they can also fly! Well, maybe not FLY, it's more like they shoot a flame out of their ass and glide.

Shoy: I don't think you should use the words 'ass' and 'glide' in the same sentence.

Tim: If you can't say anything nice don't say... oh wait, that's what you do.

Shoy: You just now figured that out?

Tim: So it's not me?

Shoy: Nah, I like you.

Tim: Imagine my relief *facepalm*. Hence our new creatures are called Ass Blasters (yes, you read that right and I've gagged Shoy so no more butt jokes). Burt and company make it back to his compound (minus Miguel - R.I.P.) and learn quickly that his Graboid-proof place is NOT Ass Blaster proof. They have to flee using Burt's escape tunnel and since he believes the Ass Blasters will eat like their predecessors, making tons of them, he sacrifices his huge supply of M.R.E.'s by blowing up his house. Nice big boom. THEN Nancy  tells him that the food would have rendered them comatose, and not reproductive like the previous evolution. Do you know how much M.R.E.'s cost?

Shoy: Okay, an average M.R.E. (that's meals ready to eat to you civilians) are $45 to $60 per case. Assuming you get one in the middle and there's reasonable shipping - if a case is $50, that's still steep considering a case contains only 12 meals, which at $50 (a fantastic deal of yesteryear) is $4.16 per meal. And Burt had stockpiled a freaking warehouse full of them practically so not only was this a whole lot of (barely edible) food that he blew up for nothing, it was also a freaking lot of money.

Tim: How'd you get that gag off? Have you ever had an MRE?

Shoy: Sorry, I'm not into eating cardboard..

Tim: Didn't you write about an article that said we're already eating a whole lot of cellulose in our prepared foods 'cause the FDA doesn't care about it being a non-food 'cause it's not poisonous? You've been eating it for years my dear.

Shoy: Good point. And an apology to the brave men and women depending on them for sustenance.

Tim: So our friends hide in a boat Burt has in the middle of the desert (don't ask) and all seems lost - they've managed to blow some up but one is about to eat Burt - until he realizes it's his super-expensive watch that's attracting it. It's also attracting the albino Graboid so Jack, showing some brains for once, pins the watch to the Ass Blaster which makes the albino Graboid (also known as El Blanco) eats it, saving Burt's life.

Shoy: There is one Ass Blaster left, and Nancy manages to sell the captive Ass Blaster to Siegfried and Roy while Jodi and Jack pursue a romantic interest, depressing Mindy who had a small crush on him. Meanwhile, Melvin tries again to approach Burt about selling his land. 

But El Blanco is now classified as an endangered species and illegal to hunt. Since the Graboid won't change or have tons of babies, the town of Perfection is gonna live and let live. Burt then leaves Melvin standing on the rock, stranded while El Blanco circles, Melvin cursing Burt angrily as he drives away.

Tim: What did you do, copy the wiki?

Shoy: Well, kind of. They put the ending in a lot shorter paragraph than I had.

Tim: Why does that not surprise me? I think Tremors 3 was very good and did the series justice. Not AS good as Tremors 1 and 2 maybe, but good nonetheless. I did have a couple of problems with the production. As Shoy said, the Graboids were CGI'd in this version and I thought the Graboids looked a lot like penises. They could have been fined for that - LOL. 

Secondly, lots of sci-fi movies steal little special effects clips from other movies. This one steals two from the original Tremors and they are not very well spliced. But all in all no major complaints.

Shoy: Are you sure? That's what we're here for.

Tim: It's what YOU are here for. This movie was also pretty much a set-up for a hoped-for TV series which was eventually made two years later. Plus was followed with yet another sequel in 2004 - Tremors IV: The Legend Begins. It was set in 1881...

Shoy: 1889.

Tim: Aren't you a fussy little... anyway, it starred Michael Gross as Grandpa Hiram Gummer (*putting hands over eyes* OMG). Well, you will learn about that later I'm sure (Ever heard of a punt gun?).

Shoy: A punt gun is a type of extremely large shotgun used in the 19th and early 20th centuries for shooting large numbers of waterfowl for commercial harvesting operations and private sport.

Tim: Wiki is giving you kickbacks for this aren't they?

Shoy: No, but they should. That movie was set in Rejection Valley which is, of course, the predecessor of Perfection Valley.

Tim: Quiet, that's for another movie review, another time.

Once again I thank Tim Forston for letting me tease the crap out of him - it's almost more fun than the movie reviews. Hell it IS more fun to tangle with the little knucklehead. I say that with lots of affection - we ain't no Siskel and Ebert here, just a couple of movie watchers with a lot to say. I'm looking forward to Tremors 4 coming soon to a review... right here.

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AN ABOVE AVERAGE CREATURE FEATURE WHICH LEADS TO... A WHOLE BUNCH MORE CREATURES AKA ATTACK OF THE SUBTERRANEAN B-MOVIES... AGAIN








Tremors 2: Aftershocks (1996)

I've said it before: I really don't like creature features, although I will watch one or two if it's supposed to be really good. The Tremors movies are a definite exception. I think they're well made, if silly, and entertaining with just enough jokes to make the scares not so intense. And again I rely on my friend Tim Forston, for his perspective on this movie (He loves all the Tremors movies) but there will be a LOT of teasing on my part. It's what I do. Thankfully he has the sense of humor and has not bombed my house - yet. And he starts:

Tim: The worms have turned - and headed to a country that no doubt is much cheaper as far as taxes on the movie makers go. The sequel opens in Mexico...

Me: HA! Got you! I thought everything looked a little too... green to be Mexico so I checked and it was actually filmed in Valencia, CA (big raspberry).

Tim: Whatever. Anyway, the movie says we're in Mexico - we see an oil worker sitting atop a raised oil pipe, sliding along, fearing for his life. If you saw the first movie or even just read the review, you already have a pretty good idea of what he's running from...

Me: Don't you mean sliding from?

Tim: <sigh> Whatever. Anyway, you'd be proven correct pretty quickly when he looks back and sees a mound of dirt following along behind him.

Me: Yeah, you gotta watch out for that killer dirt.

Tim: Are you going to be serious?


Me: Am I ever?

Tim: He gets to the end of the convenient pipe and sees the equally convenient row of barrels to hop across leading him to the convenient again van with the door standing open to take him to safety.

Me: Good thing you know how to spell convenient, huh?

Tim: Shush. It should be pretty obvious that this is not going to end well. After hopping about three barrels you get a nice full shot of a Graboid out of the ground eating said oil worker. We go straight to the good stuff in this sequel, no waiting half the movie to get a good view of the monster. Now the premise for this movie is pretty simple. An oil field (Petromaya) in Sonora Mexico has been infested with Graboids, 28 of them as a matter of fact.

Me: How the hell did you count them? They're under ground - you got a sonar system on you?

Tim: They have killed several workers and forced the company to shut down production. So they come up with a plan: Find the two heroes from the first Graboid incursion and try to get them to take care of their problem. For a fee of course. They offer $50,000 per exterminated Graboid. And they are told the Mexican Army will give them any supplies they ask for. Why the Mexican Army doesn't want the job we may never know.

Me: Probably because the movie's in California.

Tim: Val (Kevin Bacon) turns them down, as we are told he is happily married now (he married Rhonda the graduate student) so why would he want to die?

Me: Great confidence there.

Tim: So they go to Earl (Fred Ward).

Me: In the time that has passed since the first movie, both Earl and Val appeared in a lot of magazines and a Graboid video game was even made, although neither saw any profit from it so they took the money they made and split - Val with the new wife, and Earl running an Ostrich ranch for whatever reason - comedic value?

Tim: Earl's dead set against it, but is convinced by a new character, Grady Hoover (Christopher Gartin) that this is his big second chance at fame and fortune. Since his Ostrich farm isn't doing that well, he agrees. They travel to Mexico...

Me: Valencia.

Tim: All right already! They travel to pseudo Mexico and we find out ole' Earl isn't as dumb as an Ostrich farm might suggest. With a combo of RC cars and dynamite what could go wrong?

Me: Well for one thing...

Tim: I wasn't asking you. They meet Kate (Helen Shaver), a biologist, and are successful in killing several Graboids, having it down to a science - even having the whole place hooked up with seismometers so they know where all the Graboids are every second. How could this possibly go wrong?

Me: Well for one thing...

Tim: Suddenly they get surrounded by a few Graboids at once and instead of trying to kill them one at a time since they are parked and safe on a rock, they say 'screw it' and decide to call in backup. Who you might ask?

Me: I didn't.

Tim: Stop it. They call everyone's favorite survivalist...

Me: Realist.

Tim: What. Ever. They call in Burt Gummer (Michael Gross). He is now divorced (his wife couldn't deal with him since the Cold War ended) and spends his time eating TV dinners and watching old war movies. He could really use an adventure and this one comes just in time. When he arrives, he reveals he has a Mexican Army deuce and a half truck laden down with all kinds of Graboid killing toys and over 2 1/2 tons of high explosives. He also brings 150 lbs. of MRE's (meals ready to eat)...

Me: Also explosive. Ooh, I get to tell a story now... I live in Oregon and we're famous for... very little. But when Earl and Grady hide beneath their umbrellas to keep from being covered in Graboid guts, I remember (way back in my itty bitty childhood) when a whale washed ashore in Florence in 1970, where some of my hubby's family lived. Now they thought of burying the poor thing but that was not going to happen. So they thought hey, what better way to make smaller chunks to bury than blow it up first? 

Let's use, oh, a half a ton of dynamite should do it. What followed was one of the funniest videos you'll see, um, today. It. Is. Hilarious. A simple local news broadcast of this explosion quickly turned into a mad scramble for cover as whale blubber covered not only the whole beach but part of the town - we're talking broken windows, cars, whatever it happened to hit. 

Tim: Well that was... totally not relevant to our movie. Anyway, Burt is ready for war. What could go wrong?

Me: Well for one thing...

Tim: I'm not talking to you.

Me: Then stop asking that.

Tim: He gets about a day of standard Graboid killing in before, as the preview states, the worms turn.

Me: So did Walt Disney in 1937 - great cartoon too...

Tim: These huge, blind, subterranean killing machines suddenly turn into something much, much worse. They are now bipedal, heat seeking killing machines that can reproduce exponentially just by eating enough food.

Me: Wasn't that the raptors in Jurassic Park?

Tim: Not even close.

Me: After killing a particularly large Graboid they discover that it has been hollowed out by... something. Apparently that's where the first bipeds had come from and they just multiplied from there. They also find out from the biologist that these creatures are Precambrian. If I hadn't traveled to Montana with the hubby for our anniversary last year I wouldn't have a clue what that meant. Precambrian, according to the theory, spans from the formation of the Earth to about the appearance of the first hard-shelled animals. 

We went to East Glacier Park, which has the Triple Divide Peak - the point where two of the divides in North America converge. What is pretty cool about this is that the peaks ABOVE the divide are Precambrian, meaning that the TOP of the divide is actually much older than the land beneath it. Pretty cool, huh? Okay back to the worms, um I mean raptors, um, I mean...

Tim: They communicate by screaming at each other, hence they are given the name 'Shriekers'. Of course our heroes quickly run out of ammo and have to improvise to kill them all. And to find out how you must watch the movie.

Me: Um, no, we watch 'em so they don't have to, remember?

Tim: Trust me, you will love the usual Tremors overkill. With an awesome closing line from Burt. "Some people say I am over-prepared, paranoid, maybe even a little crazy. But they never met any Precambrian lifeforms did they?" I think this sequel was really good and right up there with the first one. You do miss finding out what happened to Perfection Valley (the location of the first movie) and its residents, but it's okay - we get to find out in Tremors III.

Me: Oh goody.

Tim: All in all I give it two thumbs up - no matter what Shoy says.

Me: Hey wait a minute...

Tim: Plus it is also my daughter's favorite so it has to be good.

Me: It was good - especially since sequels seem to diminish in a lot of movie franchises and this doesn't. What Tim is not telling you is that they figure out that since the 'Shriekers' can only see heat signatures, they trick 'em by hiding behind CO2 in order to set them up with explosives (a la Burt) and the results... are quite impressive. All 'Shriekers' are destroyed... that is, until Tremors III. Which I'm sure we will be reviewing...

Oh and in case you think I'm a little hard on Tim, he's so fun to tease and so easy going about it that I just can't resist. That doesn't mean that Tremors isn't a good movie worth viewing, it means I have almost as much fun giving Tim a hard time about it as I do watching the movie. Tune in 'cause part three is soon to come and yes, I will be there for some good natured ribbing - it's what I do.

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