THOSE WHO MAKE CERAMIC DOLLS SHOULDN'T THROW STONES... ISN'T THAT HOW THE EXPRESSION GOES? NO? OH, WELL THEN, THROW ALL THE FREAKING STONES YOU WANT BECAUSE THIS MOVIE DOESN'T EVEN DESERVE A REVIEW...

Annabelle (2014)

Okay, you knew this was coming, didn't you? I mean hey, the Amityville Horror is once again being considered 'factual' even though there are very little facts (and very little still-living witnesses) about what was claimed, written about, and eventually filmed.

This is (as of February 14, 2015) the highest grossing horror film of all time. What the hell is wrong with you people? Yeah, a lot of you thought the movie sucked, but you ain't gonna get your money back, are you? The doll they used has got to be the most freaking ugly thing I've ever seen. Can you imagine buying this monstrosity, much less putting it in a nursery with your newborn child? That's an express ticket to raising a psycho serial killer. But that's not my point and no, I refuse to review this piece of shit.


Interesting how during the Amity craze the Warrens were the best thing since... well, nothing. Then, as time went by, what a shock to find that MOST (they are willing to say that at least) of the happenings in the book about the house in Amity and in the movie WERE EXAGGERATED OR JUST PLAIN MADE UP. The priest never was 'chased' out of the house, the Lutzs themselves later backtracked on a lot of what they claimed, and also contradicted themselves on numerous occasions.

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/ghosts/amityville.asp

But the idiots ruling Hollywood, bereft of original ideas and going for the easy sell, decided to use the fact that time has passed and people have forgotten for the most part the fact that the Warrens were discredited by 'experts' on numerous occasions. The Warren's findings were suspect, and, if they claimed they made no money off of the whole mess, well that was a huge freaking lie too.

But.

Wait... that ain't no doll... what movie is this?

The Warrens, who always claimed to be so-called 'demonologists' have this room in their house full of objects with particularly evil demonics in them. Okay people, demonic is a adjective, not a noun, kay? Everybody on the same page? A demon is, as I've said countless times, merely an angel that has disobeyed God, therefore, why the ever loving shit would they think that such a powerful being could be 'trapped' in anything? 

In The Conjuring, Mr. Warren explains that they keep these objects in one room and a Catholic Priest blesses it (some sources say once a month, some say twice) to prevent any escapes, I guess. That would indicate that all demons are afraid of Catholics, which makes the rest of the world fair game, I suppose. Of course they don't bother to LOCK the door even though they have a child who is very curious as a child would be about a room full of objects that she is never supposed to touch.


ALSO in The Conjuring, Mr. Warren tells the two nurses who have the doll that there never WAS an Annabelle. This little tidbit true or false had to be changed or this movie would contradict itself. Although it already does. And it's stupid. And the people involved are mentally challenged. Or, since everything is fiction anyway and nothing has any solid foundation in fact, they can pretty much change the stories around as they see fit and as they see dollar signs. Tell you what? Wanna see a REALLY scary movie with dolls? Got one for ya - Dead Silence (2007). That one still gives me the creeps, even if Donnie Wahlberg plays an annoying cop who has to follow the dude through the movie (but he dies so that's okay).

Quick overview: Two hippies, a guy and a girl from the 60's go on a slashing spree (To imitate Manson? They don't say). They first murder the neighbors then go after the couple expecting their first child. The woman says 'I like your doll' before slashing her own throat for Hollywood reasons. A drop of blood hits the doll in the face and sucks into her eye. The name of the female slasher? Annabelle. Suck on that you stupid Hollywood idiots!

Now in The Conjuring we had a music box. For Annabelle, we had a doll (although it was nothing like the real one). Have you seen pictures of this so-called room of 'demonics'? Hollywood is going to be making millions for as many years as people can put up with the weak tales of the Warrens and their little toys. 

Demons are fallen angels. How the... ugh. How could they be 'stuck' anywhere? A glass case is supposed to hold this particular 'demonic' as they call it, in a doll? Wow, demons are real weaklings then - why should ANYONE be afraid of them?

If you've ever seen the Warren's "official" website (and I wouldn't bother - the only reason I did was to see what it was for and it's mainly to sell tickets for tours), you'll get a taste of how intelligent these people really are (yes I know Mr. Warren is deceased, but I'm sure there's a whole group hanging on Mrs. Warren's every word). This sentence appears on the face page:

Bare witness to a Raggedy-Ann doll which is responsible for a death of a young man

So. What this sentence is telling me is that they don't know how to spell, they don't know proper grammar, and they apparently don't believe in punctuation either. 

Imagine how shocked I was <sarcasm bubbling to the floor>.

And that's all I have to say about that and any other ridiculous Warren movies they make about these freaking so-called demonic toys.

UNTIL.... DUH DUH DUMMMMMMMM!!!!! Sources are saying that the next piece of shit from Mrs. Warren (and her accountants) will be The Conjuring 2: The Enfield Haunting. It's about two chicks in England who are supposedly possessed. Lorraine personally herself, CROSS HER HEART AND HOPE TO THE GOD WHO'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLY PISSED IF SHE DOESN'T KNOCK THE SHIT OFF, witnessed them levitate.

No of course I didn't just jump off my bed, I'm floatin'...

The movie will be in 2016 so if you're insisting on watching more crap, better start cashing in your 401K's because this is only the beginning folks...

MISS MURDER'S REPORTED DEMISE HAS BEEN A BIT PREMATURE BUT SHE AT LEAST SHE JOINS QUITE A SELECT PARTY...






Yes, The Horror Movie Shaming Is Continuing...

Hello, hello, hello my droogies! Yes, faithful ones, Miss Murder realizes that the new year has a whole two weeks used up (or three, she don't count so good) without a single horrible movie review. 

Now Miss Murder could go into paragraph after paragraph of what's been going on with her health, but since you are faithful droogies, you already know. Miss Murder has basically been somewhat of a potato gone rotten lately. And no, that is not a Val Kilmer joke, although it could very easily be.

Let's just say she won't be
doing this anytime soon...

Let's just say, even though Miss Murder said she would not go on about her health, these past few weeks have seen her worse than usual, to the point where her faithful hubby has had to wheel her drooling, disgusting self between the bed and the computer so that at least she would have some material for future posts, even if she hasn't finished the ones she's been promising for weeks.

Oh droogies - the movies she's seen! Including one that insults you (the main character talks to you like you're scum for watching him) and uses the phrase 'oh my brothers' waaaay too much which is what got Miss Murder into her Clockwork Orange mood.

Now if you find some words in this particular column that don't sound like real words, it is because Miss Murder is back to using her wonderful dictation program. Things have gotten so bad that apparently that she had to retrain the program to recognize her voice as apparently her voice had changed. And not for the better, dear droogies. So. What HAS Miss Murder been doing?

Wait a minute... that guy on the right
looks familiar... ah hell,
he's a regular on the SyFy show Haven!

Well, young ones, besides working on the promised Kane/Jacob Goodnight/Soska sisters saga, she has once again strayed from the Netflix fold because it seems that their horror selection has been a little stale lately. 

Although when looking up the "WWE" site to read up on the background of the wrestler "Kane" Miss Murder "laughed" so "hard" she couldn't "continue" (don't worry Weird Al, these are not quotations for emphasis, it's just that so much of their drama is "staged" they have to use "quotations" in place of saying wink-wink-nudge-nudge-say-no-more when they're mixing fiction with rea - I mean manly gymnastics.)

Now Miss Murder is not saying Netflix doesn't have lots of horrorfilms (Since when is that one word - damned dictation program - oh well, that's kind of horrorshow, right droogies?), but it gets pretty bad when she can index them from A-Z, and at a glance see what she has seen, what she has not seen, and what she does not want to see.

Unfortunately, this isn't John Dies At The End...

She's not going to say exactly where she's been watching most of her movies (*cough* Hulu *cough*) but she's been surprised to find some not so typically awful horror, and some movies even worth reviews of their own. Now, apparently, some places have quite a catalog of horror movies and surprisingly there's not a lot of 'doubling' comparing their lists to Netflix.

This particular place seems to have a lot of Gravitas Ventures, which scream cheap and sleazy and worthy of a review once in a while.

Not quite this bad, but you
get the pic - oh no wait, no you don't...

And most of them are available free without subscribing. This isn't a suggestion, just an observation. You can forget about the other frigging worthless service (*cough* Crackle *cough* *cough*) that has commercials that stream perfectly, but movies you develop a stutter after watching because the streaming sucks rocks.

But she has seen her share of interesting movies. She's actually seen an abandoned asylum movie with a slightly different ending, total pieces of garbage that she was able to grab a nugget or two of gold from, and a quote or two.

Am I?

So far her favorite quote has been when a man who was old enough to know better was confronted with the ghost of Charlie Manson's daughter. He said, "Manson? The singer? I thought he was gay."

She's also seen the much anticipated (for whatever reason) Annabelle - and all she can say right now is HOLY CRAP! HOW DID YOU EXPECT AN INNOCENT BABY TO SLEEP WITH THAT DEMONIC PIECE OF CERAMIC HELL YOU ACTUALLY 'SEARCHED' FOR JUST TO PUT ON HER SHELF? Seriously, somebody needed to call Social Services on those idiots.

Oh, and the movie sucked too.

Corey Feldman wasn't one of them...

So she has a whole lot of movies that she has made notes on tape for, most of them, terrible. One was almost watchable, and 'paranormal' wasn't even part of it. One. Movie. How sad is that? And do you know how many movies she was suckered into watching because the top billed star was someone she wanted to see... only to discover they are in the movie somewhere between two and ten minutes before they're killed off or just collect their check and go home.

Don't get excited, this is the only
movement in the entire movie...

Of course, there were a few surprises and actually a movie or two in the huge messy bundle that she has been watching in stutters that might be worth a peek. Please be patient and she will get things up to speed just as soon as she is able.

Miss Murder now needs to wipe the drool from her chin. Where is that hubby?