YOU WANT HOW MUCH FOR WHAT AND YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU'RE WORTH THAT? REALLY? I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE... REALLY?

You Get What You Pay For - Or Not


If you are a fan of horror movies like I am, then you probably are familiar with what is considered the number one horror magazine since 1979, called Fangoria. If you haven't seen it before, give it a look. Of course these days, it also has a website as well as a Facebook page. It was from this Facebook page (yes, I still go there from time to time) that I saw an interesting offer.



Fangoria was kind enough to provide notice (you can't really call it an endorsement, since I'm sure they received nothing for it) of a new horror movie streaming service - Full Moon Features (or Productions or Entertainment - depends on what article you read). I later learned that this was not a new service at all, it has been there for some time. I don't know why Fangoria would print something about it - I don't think they checked it out first.

If you're not familiar with that particular company, think Demonic Dolls, Puppet Master, hell think of any horrible, horrible horror movie that was massively, massively cheap and you've probably got yourself a Full Moon movie or one of their offshoots in your hands. I checked it out. This streaming service is self-described as a kind of Netflix for B-movie and cult flick fiends.



It's like Netflix all right – because they charge you money. They want $6.99 per month for the privilege of watching crap without close captioning or steady streaming. They offered a free week (ending June 24, 2014) as long as you register a credit card with them. Usually I run far, far away from those types of services, but because they were in Fangoria, I gave them a shot. They failed in the first five minutes.

First failure: the website refuse to load. My computer system's movie streaming usually is instant, especially when I'm using Google Chrome. However, this time I sat watching a little circle going lazily to the left (this is not a good sign) for the longest time before I got an error message. I waited a couple of minutes, and tried again. 


After an interminably long time, the damn website loaded. I reluctantly entered my information. I picked my first movie. It did not run. This particular website offers you the option of low, medium, high, and high definition (I have no idea what the difference between high and high definition is) and I tried each one of those options trying to get that movie to work. Nope. I wrote to their so-called support and told them that their website did not work.

The next day, I got an email from somebody who explained to me that because of Fangoria, their website experienced technical difficulties which their technicians have since fixed. Number one, it's really not very nice to blame the company that gives you free advertising. Number two, I am not at computer expert, but I do know that a if a website won't load it's because it can't handle the amount of traffic it's experiencing. Second failure.


Already figuring out that they probably had a high volume of users at night, I decided to try a movie in the early morning hours (4:00 a.m. PT). Guess what friends? It didn't help. Even if you can get the website to load, login, and actually get a movie on the screen, your struggles are not over. Failure number three. The first movie I attempted to watch stuttered, stopped, restarted itself several times, and generally was a massive pain in the ass just to try to see a horrible, horrible movie. 


I tried every definition they offered, and that did not make any difference whatsoever. Now I have a good computer system. It plays movies like a charm on Netflix. In fact, when I watch movies on Netflix, I can have other Windows open all I want – I can text, I can Facebook, I can look at other things, and still Netflix will continue to run without a hiccup. That is a quality streaming service that I am willing to pay for. The monthly fee for Netflix (for those who are grandfathered in) is $7.95 per month. 

I hear Netflix is going to raise their rates a whole dollar. $8.95 per month is still a freaking sweet deal for a service that not only works, but will give you close captioning when you need it. Believe you me, people, I need it. Now people have complained it doesn't have the best of selections, however, for the money it has plenty for me.



Coming up are reviews of those horrible movies that were approximately 90 minutes apiece and yet took me three hours to watch because of their horrible streaming. And they want $6.95 for the privilege. People let me give you a warning – Full Moon and its affiliates do not have that many movies. Even under its other names such as Wizard Studios, Moonbeam, Grindhouse (and don't ask me how they managed to get a hold of those), merchandise for their own movies, plus of course selling DVDs of their movies, it still doesn't amount to much. 

On their advertisement it says dozens and dozens of movies. Well, I guess 24 and slightly above is more than two dozen. That would be dozens and dozens, right? And if you're like me and have watched B movies for years, you've probably already seen most of these anyway. It does boast a re-mastering of the classic Puppet Master, but you can find that movie on other sites. You do not have to come here.

The service offers a quick way to cancel your subscription, saying you still will have the rest of whatever time you have paid for, however when I canceled, that was the end of the movies. I would've had to sign up again in order to watch and I was not about to do that.



Do what you like, try what you like, but be warned: This website seems to have an agenda besides selling DVDs and other merchandise. They also want to sell you what is called Roku. I had no idea what that was, so I had to look it up. Depending on how much you want to spend, anywhere from $50-$100, Roku seems to simply be some sort of memory stick that supposedly smoothly streams movies. So besides paying $6.99 a month, they want you to buy these little gadgets to watch their garbage with. 

Now the following is from a forum I looked up about this relationship and I found a complaint plus allegations against Charles Band (supposed owner of all of this mess). Yes, Full Moon wants you to buy Roku. No, that does not guarantee that your movies will work. One who had one and tried to watch the movies said each movie needed a different 'setting' or it wouldn't play right. Hmm.

This is hearsay but hey, never stopped me before. Charles Band has been accused of reprinting old Wizard Label video boxes and selling the VHS tapes for $50. Other sites also link people who have different claims but it all adds up to one general accusation: Charles Band is not a particularly likable guy. I looked several places on the internet and there are pages of different people blasting him and his business practices. 'Nuff said about him.

And folks, these movies are garbage. Yes, I really liked Puppet Master, and there are others silly B movies that are fun to watch, but not here. Save yourself some real frustration and a whole lot of excuses. If one of these movies you really, really like, buy the damn thing. Do not subject yourself to the torture that is Full Moon streaming. Just for some validation, I went back to the Fangoria Facebook page to see what other people said. Some were excited, but obviously had not started yet. 

Those that had, complained as I did that the site would not load. Others who I suspect worked for Full Moon, suggested buying that damned Roku stick or gadget, depending on how much you wanted to spend. Apparently, many have been burned by this company. I do not plan to be one of them, and I would advise that you do not either.

MOVIES THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT BUT GET MUCKED UP

Shallow Ground (2004)

Not all low budget B movies are doomed to suck. Some actually have a decent story and good progression, but there is something about movie makers that try to stuff as many horror 'necessities' into their movie that it just gets mucked up. That would be a good assessment of this movie. I'd seen it before and scratched my head a lot (no I don't have dandruff) so I found it and decided to give it another try. Still a bit confused, afterward I looked it up and even the wiki explanation doesn't make much sense. It just mucks it up more. And the title doesn't help. What the hell does shallow ground have to do with ANYTHING that happens in this movie? And the poster phrase 'Don't dig too deep' is just asinine. Our story:

We start with the appearance in a small town that is essentially emptying out of a naked boy in the woods. He is covered head to toe with blood. There was continuity errors throughout this part as the journey through the woods to a soon to close sheriff's office since obviously this was not done in one take or even one day. It's hard to make a head to foot blood covered body look the same from take to take. And so it did not. There are parts where there is more of what I'm assuming is dirt mixed in with the blood, and one scene shows his back barely has any blood at all on it - in the next frame we see it is covered again. Oopsy. I felt for this guy, played by Rocky Marquette, as he had to be naked and goopy for the whole movie. What a trooper.

Anyway the gist is that this boy, who bleeds out and in at will (backwards flowing blood is just a cheap effect, they could have figured something else to do but meh). He shows up which of course causes the packing sheriff's crew to panic. They handcuff him to a chair and wait for the sheriff to come in. There's obviously past history between the sheriff and the female deputy but thankfully they don't elaborate. Whoever touches the blood is treated to visions of what people have done to others - a drunk in the cell is found out by the other deputy to actually have killed a girl and dumped her body so he shoots him. It being a movie, although the deputy's handcuffed at first (no rights read, no arrest) after other things happen he's let go (!?!). Anyone who touches the blood as the boy makes it flow sees either a victim of a violent crime or what they themselves have done to someone else. Now things are starting to get mucked up. Sigh.

We get backstory about the town - it had a brief increase of residents because a dam was being built. A man and his daughter died during the build, and now that the dam is finished, that is why most are now moving on. During all this, someone in a black cloak has been killing people in the woods. Every time that happens the boy acts - weird. I don't know how they told him to act, but it was just weird. And things get even more mucked up.

The father of one of the deputies in another city tells the small crew that apparently the dead are rising and seeking revenge for all those killed. They are coming to 'clear the books and make things right'. Uh, what? We've only seen the two and... never mind. So if the dead person was the only one killed it appears as itself, but if more than one were killed the dead person becomes a composite of everyone who died. The boy is one of those so each of his fingerprints are one of the victims (convenient that they all have fingerprints on file). Uh, what? I watched this movie three times and that still makes absolutely no sense. Continuing on so we can end this...

The killer is on the loose. Or if I spelled like everybody on Facebook, the killer is on da lose. Sorry, I'm a spelling and grammar Nazi and lack of literacy has been rampant lately. And I'm getting bored with this movie because the mystery isn't enough to keep your attention with all this blood flowing, sucking up effects and finding out that most of the people he touches are really scumbags.

So who killed the people in the woods? Simple my dear Watson - the wife and mother of the man and daughter who were killed during the construction of the dam. Had that pegged immediately. For the little twist (and to spend the rest of their special effects money no doubt) the woman, who runs a small inn, has propped all these dead people up with hooks and wires in the dining room. Because the sheriff is pretty much a duh movie cop, he's soon caught and prepared to join the dead man's party. But the bloody boy, who conveniently got out of his handcuffs shows up and kills her. Why couldn't he just do that to begin with? Hey, what have I told you about trying to use logic with horror movies?

To put the boy to rest (um, wait - oh never mind) they take all the bodies out and bury them in the dirt, just below the surface. Ick. So instead of Shallow Ground this should have been Shallow Graves, right? Oops, sorry, logic surfacing again. And here we get more mucking about because the boy does NOT rest, he just wanders off with his nude little self into the woods - where our last twist and supposedly scary ending is that another body covered in blood except this one is nasty with white eyes jumps out and kills the boy. Um, why was that? Who was that? They say nothing and that's actually fine with me. I'm done and so is the movie.