Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.
MY SUPER DUPER REVIEWER HERO - I FOUND HIM! YAY!
Joe Bob Briggs Monstervision Drive-In And B Movie Reviews
At the beginning of my Less Than Zero craptacular movie marathon I mentioned a reviewer I used to follow all the time (Reading, not actually following him, I'm not a stalker... yet.) that would review movies with a totally cool flair. He'd add up breast sightings, every type of fighting was 'Fu' fighting (pillow Fu, chain saw Fu, fist Fu, etc.) and he was so - unabashedly politically incorrect it was marvelous. Note: In June I learned he will be in the upcoming movie 'The Ghosts Of Johnson Woods' (sigh, let's hope the movie is more original than the title) which is set for release in 2015.
I just by chance noticed a new horror film that I can't remember the name of because my brain has the same mass as a piece of soggy toast that was reviewed by Cassandra Peterson (that's Elvira to you) and... YES! Joe Bob Briggs, the aforementioned bad boy of movie reviews.
He loves the kind of movies that show up in drive in theaters but also does B movies and cult films. I guess recently he expanded his repertoire to VHS and DVD movies. I'd forgotten that in addition to the above important information he also did a body count, how many pints of blood were in the movie and a vomit meter. He also does a 1-5 approval rating. In other words, total awesomeness. I'm copying a sample from the wiki (I don't want to have Joe Bob think I'm scamming his stuff.) of what a paragraph of his looks like (no movie title either):
No dead bodies. One hundred seventeen breasts. Multiple aardvarking. Lap dancing. Cage dancing. Convenience-store dancing. Blindfold aardvarking. Blind-MAN aardvarking. Lesbo Fu. Pool cue-fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Tane McClure. Joe Bob says check it out. (Joe Bob's definition of aardvarking is a colorful way of describing how much sex is in the movie.).
His movie website is at http://joebobbriggs.com/ and I would not be the least bit hurt if you checked it out. I bow to the master.
Now it's time for some whiskey-Fu.
LESS THAN ZERO
I used to enjoy a certain reviewer whose name I have sadly lost in the mush that is my brain (much later to be remembered as Joe Bob Briggs), who reveled in reviewing bad movies - in part why I like doing the same thing myself with horror flicks. His reviews weren't just about thumbs up or down, or how many stars or points he'd give a movie - he would count how many breasts one could see in the movie (really funny when the number was an odd one) and what kind of 'Fu' they would use.
To him, all fighting was 'Fu' fighting: Pillow Fu, Knife fu, Chains and Whips Fu, even Food Fu - you get the idea. I hope. He was hilarious and his reviews usually were centered around movies you'd see in a drive-in. If anyone knows who I'm talking about, feel free to tell me, 'cause I'd like to see if he's still around.
Other than that, I have looked around at other review pages and I notice that people seem to only put what they thought of the movie (good, bad or pure suck) and give it some kind of rating. But what if a movie doesn't even register on your rating scale? On Netflix, the only drawback to their rating system is that if you absolutely hate a movie, it STILL gets one star. That doesn't seem right. Because some movies are less than one star - in fact, some are less than zero.
So dear readers, the following series are movies I have diligently sat through, tried to understand, noticed tons of flaws, and plain believe they were LESS THAN ZERO.
