THOSE WHO MAKE CERAMIC DOLLS SHOULDN'T THROW STONES... ISN'T THAT HOW THE EXPRESSION GOES? NO? OH, WELL THEN, THROW ALL THE FREAKING STONES YOU WANT BECAUSE THIS MOVIE DOESN'T EVEN DESERVE A REVIEW...

Annabelle (2014)

Okay, you knew this was coming, didn't you? I mean hey, the Amityville Horror is once again being considered 'factual' even though there are very little facts (and very little still-living witnesses) about what was claimed, written about, and eventually filmed.

This is (as of February 14, 2015) the highest grossing horror film of all time. What the hell is wrong with you people? Yeah, a lot of you thought the movie sucked, but you ain't gonna get your money back, are you? The doll they used has got to be the most freaking ugly thing I've ever seen. Can you imagine buying this monstrosity, much less putting it in a nursery with your newborn child? That's an express ticket to raising a psycho serial killer. But that's not my point and no, I refuse to review this piece of shit.


Interesting how during the Amity craze the Warrens were the best thing since... well, nothing. Then, as time went by, what a shock to find that MOST (they are willing to say that at least) of the happenings in the book about the house in Amity and in the movie WERE EXAGGERATED OR JUST PLAIN MADE UP. The priest never was 'chased' out of the house, the Lutzs themselves later backtracked on a lot of what they claimed, and also contradicted themselves on numerous occasions.

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/ghosts/amityville.asp

But the idiots ruling Hollywood, bereft of original ideas and going for the easy sell, decided to use the fact that time has passed and people have forgotten for the most part the fact that the Warrens were discredited by 'experts' on numerous occasions. The Warren's findings were suspect, and, if they claimed they made no money off of the whole mess, well that was a huge freaking lie too.

But.

Wait... that ain't no doll... what movie is this?

The Warrens, who always claimed to be so-called 'demonologists' have this room in their house full of objects with particularly evil demonics in them. Okay people, demonic is a adjective, not a noun, kay? Everybody on the same page? A demon is, as I've said countless times, merely an angel that has disobeyed God, therefore, why the ever loving shit would they think that such a powerful being could be 'trapped' in anything? 

In The Conjuring, Mr. Warren explains that they keep these objects in one room and a Catholic Priest blesses it (some sources say once a month, some say twice) to prevent any escapes, I guess. That would indicate that all demons are afraid of Catholics, which makes the rest of the world fair game, I suppose. Of course they don't bother to LOCK the door even though they have a child who is very curious as a child would be about a room full of objects that she is never supposed to touch.


ALSO in The Conjuring, Mr. Warren tells the two nurses who have the doll that there never WAS an Annabelle. This little tidbit true or false had to be changed or this movie would contradict itself. Although it already does. And it's stupid. And the people involved are mentally challenged. Or, since everything is fiction anyway and nothing has any solid foundation in fact, they can pretty much change the stories around as they see fit and as they see dollar signs. Tell you what? Wanna see a REALLY scary movie with dolls? Got one for ya - Dead Silence (2007). That one still gives me the creeps, even if Donnie Wahlberg plays an annoying cop who has to follow the dude through the movie (but he dies so that's okay).

Quick overview: Two hippies, a guy and a girl from the 60's go on a slashing spree (To imitate Manson? They don't say). They first murder the neighbors then go after the couple expecting their first child. The woman says 'I like your doll' before slashing her own throat for Hollywood reasons. A drop of blood hits the doll in the face and sucks into her eye. The name of the female slasher? Annabelle. Suck on that you stupid Hollywood idiots!

Now in The Conjuring we had a music box. For Annabelle, we had a doll (although it was nothing like the real one). Have you seen pictures of this so-called room of 'demonics'? Hollywood is going to be making millions for as many years as people can put up with the weak tales of the Warrens and their little toys. 

Demons are fallen angels. How the... ugh. How could they be 'stuck' anywhere? A glass case is supposed to hold this particular 'demonic' as they call it, in a doll? Wow, demons are real weaklings then - why should ANYONE be afraid of them?

If you've ever seen the Warren's "official" website (and I wouldn't bother - the only reason I did was to see what it was for and it's mainly to sell tickets for tours), you'll get a taste of how intelligent these people really are (yes I know Mr. Warren is deceased, but I'm sure there's a whole group hanging on Mrs. Warren's every word). This sentence appears on the face page:

Bare witness to a Raggedy-Ann doll which is responsible for a death of a young man

So. What this sentence is telling me is that they don't know how to spell, they don't know proper grammar, and they apparently don't believe in punctuation either. 

Imagine how shocked I was <sarcasm bubbling to the floor>.

And that's all I have to say about that and any other ridiculous Warren movies they make about these freaking so-called demonic toys.

UNTIL.... DUH DUH DUMMMMMMMM!!!!! Sources are saying that the next piece of shit from Mrs. Warren (and her accountants) will be The Conjuring 2: The Enfield Haunting. It's about two chicks in England who are supposedly possessed. Lorraine personally herself, CROSS HER HEART AND HOPE TO THE GOD WHO'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLY PISSED IF SHE DOESN'T KNOCK THE SHIT OFF, witnessed them levitate.

No of course I didn't just jump off my bed, I'm floatin'...

The movie will be in 2016 so if you're insisting on watching more crap, better start cashing in your 401K's because this is only the beginning folks...

PEOPLE WHO CLAIM WHATEVER THEY WANT AND PEOPLE BELIEVE THEM WITHOUT QUESTION BECAUSE IF THEY DO THEY CAN MAKE WHATEVER MOVIE THEY WANT

The Conjuring (2013)

As you can tell, I'm not a fan of people claiming they can solve peoples 'problems with the spirit world' like they have super powers or something and know more than the Bible or God about the subject - while making a bunch of cash doing it. And if the Warrens, the couple responsible for the whole Amityville debacle (they claimed the problem was the house was built on an Indian burial ground - hell, AMERICA is built on an Indian burial ground) think they can make more cash by bringing up more of the 'legitimate' problems they supposedly solved (Although no real evidence supports ANYTHING they've ever done - but that doesn't stop movie makers, right?).

The 'We know all your secrets' Warrens

So why am I reviewing it? 'Cause if you haven't seen it, don't bother. I know the creepies and the crawlies are the 'in' thing and since the slasher flick is kind of in a slump, the paranormal has crept in to take up the slack. EVERYTHING is paranormal now. Their claims are so out there that you can pretty much fill out your own worksheet of every paranormal movie and get most if not all of it right. I'm sure the demons are loving it - the humans are doing all the work for them.

For example, one horror page on Facebook (not mine obviously) printed a rather blurry picture that was supposed to be very scary and solid proof of the paranormal. The picture, taken in daytime, was inside a cemetery. What you see is two grave markers, and a stone wall. Whoever had taken the picture had circled a section of the stone wall that supposedly contained a face. If you squint at it, you kind of see (maybe) a distorted shape that could be a face. 

So I looked at it pretty closely. What they DON'T point out for whatever reason, is just to the right of the circle, above the wall and in the bushes, an even clearer shape of a face can be seen. Does that mean they're right about the paranormal? No. Because people, when you WANT to see or believe something, you WILL find the proof - your desire will cause your mind to race to find the answers you want. And any shape can become anything you imagine it to be. That's why kids are afraid of shadows for crying out loud.

Okay, what was this stupid movie about again? Oh yeah, the Warrens. He's a veteran and former police officer and she's some kind of medium. So he decides to cart her around to different people who ASK for them to FIND SOMETHING. I put those in caps because, as I said, if you WANT to find something, you probably will. Don't get me wrong, they are probably sincerely thinking they are being bothered by spirits. But to bring self-proclaimed 'demonologists' into the mess is NOT going to make things better. But apparently it DOES make material for books and movies.

So: In 1971, Roger and Carolyn move into a dilapidated farmhouse in Harrisville, Rhode Island with their five daughters. During the first day, their move goes smoothly, though their dog, Sadie, refuses to enter the house and one of the daughters finds a boarded up entrance to a cellar. Smart dog, dumb people. From there we get the things-moving-very-slowly-to-build-tension-but-really-is-boring-us-to-death happenings from clocks being screwed with, the dog dying, mysterious bruises on the mom, and one of the kids is sleepwalking (which they admit she had done before they lived in this particular house).

Carolyn contacts Ed and Lorraine Warren for help. The Warrens conduct an initial investigation and conclude that the house may require an exorcism, but they needed authorization from the Catholic Church and further evidence before that. Okay, I call BS. Neither Warren is a priest. Although they may be Catholic, they have absolutely no authority to do anything so why wait for 'permission'  for an exorcism? 

Because it slows down the movie and gets the backstory going, that's why. Ed and Lorraine 'discover' that the house once belonged to an accused witch, Bathsheba, who supposedly tried to sacrifice her children to the devil and killed herself in 1863 after cursing all who would take her land. The property was once 200+ acres but has since been divided up into smaller parcels. And of course since witches and curses are like totally real they 'find' reports of numerous murders and suicides in houses that have since been built upon parcels that were once part of the property.

Uh huh. I call BS again. In an interview where Mrs. Warren (Mr. Warren died in 2006) talked about her various experiences, it ended with 'Lorraine Warren and the filmmakers hope you'll make return trips to see the flick.' Oh no, they're not looking for money, they want to teach... uh huh. You want to know the REAL reason I call BS on this whole story? Because the Perron family, despite these supposed things that were torturing them, lived in that house for TEN YEARS. 

What I find particularly vile about this 'story' and the Warrens making money off of it, is that they claim the Perrons brought this 'evil' upon themselves for being 'weak in faith' - since supposedly the only other past resident of the house who never had a problem was a local minister. Oh that is weak sauce. Blame an innocent family on being scared of violent local stories of hangings, murders, rapes and suicides because their 'faith was weak'. For your information movie maker guys? Hangings, murders, rapes and suicides have probably occurred, at some time, ANYWHERE YOU STEP IN THIS COUNTRY. There are particularly violent periods of history associated with the United States, hell with the whole world for crying out loud - you don't blame the family who gets scared by ghost stories for disappointing God. That's just vile.

And that's what this movie is - vile. It's a family who inexplicably stays for ten years in a house they claim (or the Warrens claim anyway) to have tortured them every day with scares and traumas who now have their story put on the big screen in the pursuit of money.

I would say the basis of the Warren's faith is in the almighty dollar, not the Almighty Jehovah God.

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