WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL DID I JUST WATCH CRAPTACULAR MARATHON


Killer Instinct (2001)

I think I've figured out why my life is so incredibly boring - there's no abandoned mental asylum anywhere near where I live. Apparently they're absolutely everywhere and yet <sigh> the closest abandoned building I can think of used to be a gas station. And nobody ever died there - at least not that I know of. Let's see... well, with the economy being as it is, there's gotta be some place abandoned that's creepy... huh. Nothing. Where I live is just about as scary as... umm... as... oh yeah, this movie.

Incomprehensibly starring Dee Wallace Stone and Corbin Bernsen  in some subplot about gaining property and a business in order to bankrupt the town and collect the... whatever it makes. This is set while our usual gang of teenagers get set to break into their town's abandoned asylum (I am sooooo jealous!) where there were not only deaths, but a crazy doctor who abused a patient who was there for an illness so badly that the patient literally went completely nuts and became a murderer. Men of the town who were considered 'pillars of the community' got together and lynched the guy... uh wait. Didn't I just do this movie? No? This is yet another ripoff? Figures.

So we're jumped back and forth from a slasher story to a hostile takeover story. Does this sound logical or even interesting to you? Me either. In between the guys getting slaughtered one by one (Guys first huh? Saving the girls for last - that at least is a little different.) and Dee Wallace trying her best to look interested as she looks up the history of the town trying to find an angle to convince the people to sell I was yawning so hard my jaw popped.

And even if I didn't know which of the interchangeable barbie dolls was actually the killer I knew why. It was a duh scenario used dozens of times and this unfortunately was no exception. One of these vapid teenagers was the daughter of the man wrongly strung up on the asylum grounds. Now all those men just happen to be on the board of the company Fairchild is trying to take over in a stroke of incredible movie coincidence, just as all those board of director guys just happen to have kids THE SAME AGE that travel IN THE SAME GROUP as the so-called killer's kid. Uh, wouldn't they have known that? It was a small town - I don't think even plastic surgery is going to hide her in this group.

Oops, sorry - this is the video game. Which
I would MUCH rather have watched...

So she goes through the young kids, killing them to the last, emerging as the 'sole survivor' of a horrible tragedy. Which Fairchild has figured out by going through newspapers, which no one else in town apparently thought to do. So she knows damn good and well this kid has killed a whole group of people. AND as the murdered man's heir (he happened to be deeded the embattled company for some unknown damn reason) she will be able to overrule the board of directors and sell the company to Fairchild - in return for her silence. Oh what a wonderful lesson for the kiddies.

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HULU SNOOZE FINALE!




Voodoo Moon (2006) Canada TV Movie

Well I'm ending my Hulu crapfest on a kind of positive note because this movie wasn't half bad. Unfortunately that means that half of this movie IS bad and you should be warned. But we have a hunky hero, a hunkier villain and a whole lot of famous friends to round this movie out to be a kind of soap opera-ish story of good and evil having a final battle in good ole' New Orleans. Well, sort of. Near there somewhere.



Bad part - this was actually a TV movie. Good part - Jeffrey Combs is in it. Well that's good for ME. Actually quite a few people make an appearance in this thing including John Amos who will look F-I-N-E well into his hundreds, Dee Wallace, Charisma Carpenter (Cordelia for you Buffy fans), and a slew of others you may recognize.

Okay the story is thin but: Twenty years ago give or take a demon destroyed an entire town using a possessed guy to take the fall 'cause hey, they're like that - the only survivors were a boy, Cole (Eric Mabius) and his sister. Why? Don't ask questions, that will just make this longer. Anywho, the boy grows up fighting this guy all over the world and because Christianity doesn't make him strong enough - just quoting the movie, calm down - he borrows from all the 'beliefs' of the world to pump him up to defeat this same demon over and over. Seems monotonous. His last stint of learning is in Haiti with voodoo. I thought it amusing (because I'm twisted that way) to see someone shaking chicken bones and quoting scripture at the same time. Oh well.

Sensing that his playmate has come back and in fact is making a beeline for his sister (Charisma Carpenter) who, while not being a psychic powerhouse like her brother does have the uncanny ability to draw things that are going to happen. He then calls together all the 'friends' he has in the States for this final battle, which apparently will take place in his hometown, where it all began for whatever reason.

We get lots of soap opera style action with longing looks, forbidden love, a brief flirtation between Charisma and the man she doesn't know is evil, Daniel (Rik Young). Quite a few of Cole's gathered friends bite it before they can really help. Poor Jeffrey Combs - his character, a cop who owes Cole for saving his life, dies but somehow rises anyway to come and help - brain dead, stiff and rotting but he's there. Needless to say he makes a presence but can't really do anything.

The final battle is silly and typical of these types of movies. Even the bad guy comments on Cole using pagan objects while quoting scripture but he's still getting his ass kicked. Now here's where it gets stupid. Uh, stupider. Their whole hometown was flooded because the town was massacred and they decided they'd rather have a good water source (With all those corpses? Ewww.) than rebuild the town. I mean it's WAY under water, right? Well, good old Charisma notices one of the churches has it's steeple sticking out of the water. What, is this church twenty freaking stories high or something? Conveniently she had drawn that very steeple and someone impaled on it, she just didn't have a face. 

She scurries to finish her drawing with Daniel's face on the picture and sure enough - splurch! Yeah, I know, not a word but a good sound effect - splurch! He's impaled on the steeple (in the shape of a cross of course) and Cole is rescued by the impressive and still hunky John Amos as he sinks to the bottom of the lake/town. He takes him from the arms of his dead mom who's, I dunno, holding him still I guess.

At this point Jeffrey Comb's character, very much worse for wear, says, 'Cole okay? I can sleep?' and slumps over dead again... uh still. Ahhh, how sweet. Ick. And our movie is over and so is Hulu.



Hulu in case you Google yourself and this comes up here's a tip: If you want to charge for your service, don't pack your damn movies full of commercials. I don't need to watch Jennifer Aniston rub her elbows with Aveeno a thousand times, or how having a tablet in my new car is an absolute necessity or how Stayfree twists and turns to keep me fresh all day. I can watch TV for that, idiots. That combined with the lousy buffering, no close captioning available and dumber than dumb movie choices is not worth a monthly fee.