HORROR MOVIES MADE BY ROCK STARS ARE REALLY REALLY... UNPREDICTABLE


Nothing Left To Fear (2013)

I think I've watched every movie Rob Zombie's ever made (even his mammary-heavy cartoon). Now did I think they were good? Yes and no. Yes that Rob had some really unique ideas for a horror movie, no because he sometimes has the ideas but doesn't seem to follow through. I'm sticking my neck out by saying this was apparent in Lords Of Salem. I really REALLY wanted to see that movie, and when I did... I scratched my head, thought 'I need to really pay more attention' and watched it again. I came to the same conclusion. He had a great idea, he had lush sets and music aaaaaand not much of a story. Or at least a story that seemed like he started strong and rushed to finish.

But in a world where the WWE is now producing its OWN horror flicks and doing a halfway decent job, as well as a young set of twins named Soska in Canada who are well on their way to becoming a very daunting force in future horror, when I heard that Guns 'N Roses former guitarist Slash was going to form his own horror production company I just shrugged and said, 'Why not?' - how bad could he be?

Truth? At least my truth? The only really disappointing thing about this project was the name he chose for his company - Slasher Productions. Uh huh. HOWEVER the movie itself turned out to be.... meh, pretty much what I expected but then they usually are. So what went wrong with this one (which had some peculiar if not outright baffling casting)?

This movie picks on the (very) small town of Stull, Kansas. Never heard of it? Yeah, the citizens there wish you never had either. An unincorporated town, it has a very plain and normal history. Yet somehow along the way it picked up an absolutely ridiculous rumor. The kind you can't even make any money from. I mean, do you think they got any money from this movie (which was NOT filmed there)? Nope. As briefly as I can (you know me) - this small community started in the 19th century and was originally called Deer Creek Community. In the middle of the 1800's there were six families. Woo hoo. 

While over the years the population hasn't exactly exploded, there were enough to have a church, a cemetery, and a post office. They were going to put in a bank and an electric railway but those never came to fruition. And then the rumors started. Soon EVERYBODY knew that Stull, Kansas sat directly on a gateway to hell. This isn't the first place that has gotten that reputation but for poor little Stull this was not an opportunity for growth or fame.

They, in a word, despaired. Stull is just a tiny town outside of Lawrence and really didn't want a reputation. I sometimes complain I live in a really dull area (no abandoned sanitariums, huge houses people are scared to death of, no cursed areas) but this kind of reputation I would not wish on anybody, even my little town. How did the rumors start? That's hard to pin down, whether you check sites that swear to its authenticity or sites that tell you it's total bullcrap (which I'm more inclined to believe). 'Mysterious' deaths have happened there. 

Umm, what? Death within families and hangings are hardly the fodder of demon hellmouth material. The way some of it reads, it sounds like a script to Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Stull has tried to squash all the rumors about possible demonic or cult activity within the tiny space their town occupies with limited and sporadic success.

This movie is NOT going to help them any. In fact, reading of some of the supposed 'haunted' things that have happened there makes me feel bad for them. Some even encourage ghost seekers to 'camp out', especially on the grounds of the former church (which was torn down due to becoming dangerously dilapidated) which was supposed to have been built over the hellmouth itself. Now THAT idea is ancient and not solely American.

From the rise of the so-called Christian faiths, it has often been believed that many of the first churches were built over 'cursed' sites (read hellmouth here although that word isn't specifically used) in order to seal off and keep the evil down below where it belonged. For those that believe in hell that is, and that it is under our feet. It reminded me of a show I used to watch on the BBC called, appropriately, Strange. It was about John Strange, an ex-priest who had dedicated his life to hunting down demons and the darker side of the church, a task which some of his former bosses stand in the way of. It lasted a whole six episodes but those six were pretty darn good.

Whoops, off topic, sorry. Bottom line with Stull is that stories can start and explode even in the tiniest spaces and this kind of publicity Stull does NOT need. What the people of Stull need most is to be left alone. I'm afraid this movie is not going to help them do that. Too bad - a story about a supposed hellmouth could have been made up anywhere and not pointed fingers at any particular place, but somehow being able to use those cursed words 'based on real events' is just too tempting for filmmakers who are interested in dollars, not common sense (Like that little pun?).

But I guess it saved time when coming up with a story. It's kind of lazy to take an urban legend and form your movie around it. Sorry Slash, 'cause the direction, acting and musical score were very good. But the story - ugh. We start in the poor, raped town of Stull - its lone Pastor (played by Clancy Brown, always a welcome site even in a WTH role) is retiring so a new family is moving in, the father a new Pastor to replace him. So we have dad (James Tupper), mom (Anne Heche) who in real life are actually a couple with a child, older sister (played pretty well by Midnight Movie's Rebekah Brandes), younger sister (Jennifer Stone, Wizards of Waverly Place) and a little brother.

They arrive and we get the typical stares from the 'natives' as they meet with the retiring pastor and find out a little something about the town they've moved to. Why the suspicious stares and making them feel weird? They DID ask them to come there for crying out loud. So even though the score makes you feel uneasy and builds tension (which is what it's supposed to do, great stuff Slash) the situation is pedestrian. You've got the seemingly only teenage boy in town attracted to the older girl, the old people giving them what we like to call 'the stink eye' for no reason and... we get the usual type of 'appease the demons' type of movie.

The family get a blue cake (Blue? Ick, that would go directly into the trash.) from one of the friendlier people but they're too occupied to eat it. And we've got strange conversations between the Pastor and the teenage boy. So something's up, duh. Oh, and if you're wondering how could such a small town look so incredibly modern and.... LARGE it's 'cause this movie was filmed in Louisiana - three different places in Louisiana. So it appears that Stull doesn't even want to be in a movie for real - they want to be left alone. Can't blame them.

Anyway, the middle girl is the first to take a slice of cake and promptly cuts the roof of her mouth on a huge tooth in the cake. GAG. That. Was. Gross. The older sister and teenage boy, Noah (Ethan Peck, The Sorcerer's Apprentice) take care of her - the sis getting her a cloth, the boy sneaking the tooth into his pocket and throwing out the cake. So this apparently means that the middle child has been 'chosen'. For what?

This is what gets me about these kinds of movies. Demons are simply Angels that refuse to serve God. They are extremely powerful. Why do these writers think they have to follow all these stupid rules? There were rules for them and they broke them. That didn't turn them into incomprehensible creatures that mere humans have powers over... just because. And all these stupid rules and rites... you know the Demons are laughing at you, right? 

In this case, only every so many years, this rumored hellmouth under Stull opens up, one demon comes up but not in its own body, oh no, can't have that - it 'possesses' a chosen young one to wreak havoc for a bit and then be sent back, and the hellmouth will be closed for another period of time. Ick. What a waste of a movie.

So the chosen girl, Mary, gets sicker and sicker and finally it takes over and she turns into - nothing like what's on the movie poster. Why do they do that? Sheesh. But she looks pretty ridiculous (and heavily CGI'd) and sure enough, she kills off her family one by one (except for the oldest girl) and is sent back where she - excuse me I mean it - came from. No matter what the older sister Rebecca (well that name was convenient) and her new beau Noah tries, it happens. Like it's happened over and over since ???

Noah pretty much knew this anyway - after all, he's the sole survivor of another family tricked into moving into their town. Why Rebecca still likes him after knowing that... never mind. In the end, the family dies, the 'Demon' is sent back and the town starts fresh. In the end, a new family is brought to town, with Rebecca looking grimly at them but not warning them or anything, as she is now absorbed by the town's populace I guess. Duh.

Despite the duh story I look forward to future projects from Slash - like I said the score was wonderful and I loved the song he played at the end 'Nothing Left To Fear' (I know, I know) although the song was horribly ripped apart by, I guess, Axl Rose fans.

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I'M NOT TELLING YOU THE ENDING SO THERE!







John Dies At The End (2012)

I'm beginning to like comic books remade into movies (or TV series like The Walking Dead). Some they kind of butcher but others turn into a fun and fresh look at... uh... in this case, total insanity. It kind of gave itself the mark of death too - no, it didn't claim to be based on a true story or events (impossible anyway), but there were a couple of spots where one could see a similarity to the movie The Matrix (not telling how) and the works of H.P. Lovecraft.

It sort of promises a sequel right away (some other films that have done that and flopped were Buckaroo Bonzai blah blah blah, Doctor Detroit, Remo Williams blah blah blah and Bubba Ho-Tep - whose director, funny enough, is in this movie). 


Here's a tip movie makers: If you wanna stick your neck out and say watch for the next installment of anything, first have a good movie, second don't name the damn thing something that's 20 words long, and third don't depend on star power in place of a good script, even if it's someone like Bruce Campbell.

Of course you can tell just by the first look at my blog that it is my favorite movie (I watch it several times a week). So why do I rip on it so badly? <Points at blog name> Sorry, gotta do it - it's in my contract. In fact, I like it so much that even if I wanted to make a little money off this blog and let advertisers on here I can't 'cause of the 'copyrighted' material on here. 

Uh fellas? It's about movies. Unless I just ask for and reprint reviews direct from publicists for movies, and as long as Google has tons and tons of pics of these movies, uh yeah, I'm gonna use them. So there.

So why watch a movie that tells you how it ends? Well, I guess the question would be, does it end as the title says? Well... uh... okay here's the basic breakdown and I'm not going to give too many spoilers 'cause this is a movie worth taking a peek and scratching your head over. But despite its comic appearance, this movie is NOT for children. I don't usually specify whether young ones should watch movies or not, but there are monsters and gore galore and that's good for us horror buffs, not good for a kid you want to sleep in his/her own bed for the next couple of years.


So we start with David Wong, writer of the book and our faithful narrator (pseudonym of Jason Pargin, who is also senior editor at Cracked.com). He waxes philosophic at the beginning about a bizarre situation, whether it happened to him or is just a question he has is not clear - we then jump completely away from that into the story.



He is relating a series of very VERY strange events to a reporter in a restaurant (Paul Giamatti) that happen to him and his friend John (who reminded me of an 80's era Val Kilmer) when they come in contact with THE STUFF... uh, sorry, wrong movie. They come in contact with THE SOY SAUCE, an otherworldly concoction of black oil-looking gunk that moves on its own. After that their world pretty much blows apart and the adventure begins.

Again, I don't want to give away too much because this is a truly weird and wild ride. Let's just say that time, space and events become liquid and things happen in no particular order, making for a movie you might have to watch more than once to follow. But both John and David are likable characters and of course, since I love anything Clancy Brown does, his performance as TV infomercial psychic Albert Marconi is just terrific. And Doug Jones, an actual contortionist, is always fun to watch.

Uh, yeah - you might want the kiddies in bed before this...

Needless to say there are guts, gore, mysteries, multi-dimensions and monsters (One is a creature that forms out of raw meat - must have been Lady Gaga... I thank the hubby for that giggle.) and an ending that leaves it wide open for a sequel. Which has been written already, titled This Book Is Full Of Spiders: Seriously Dude Don't Touch It. There is also a trailer for it (the book, no movie yet). So maybe.... yeah.

This freaking thing still haunts me...

You can check out JDATE on Netflix now, and the books are available through different sources which you can find on http://johndiesattheend.com/ which also includes the sequel book's trailer. Consider yourself warned.

REVISITING OLD FAVORITES





Pet Sematary (1989) / Pet Sematary 2 (1992)

I've often said there is very little that scares me - especially in movies. Monsters, zombies, psychos with chain saws, pfft. Piece of cake. A toddler with a scalpel? Brrr... Now I've never had kids but THAT is something to be frightened of. Excuse me, of which to be frightened. Didn't mean to end my sentence with a preposition. Or did I?

When I first saw these two movies there was a whole lot I liked and very little I didn't. Even then, I thought using a little kid was not great for a horror story - but then again like I said, what could be scarier than a toddler coming at you with a scalpel? Not much.

Watching with a more critical (and smart ass) eye I can see these films are a bit dated and when they talk about remake, I kind of shiver and wonder at the same time. I mean, there were a few things wrong with these movies that I'd kind of like to see either addressed, corrected or just done a whole lot better.

Pet Sematary: Not to mess with the great King, but in the first movie, if you were moving into a house with children and you were a doctor (meaning you have money) and you knew the road was dangerous and big trucks sped past, wouldn't you fence off your yard? And keep your cat inside? Fixing a cat, as their 'solution' was in the first movie to 'keep him from wandering' was kind of dumb. He won't be looking for love, but cats still do a lot of exploring, fixed or not.

Where are the police? Okay it's a small town but hey, that doesn't mean there's no law. If a whole CEMETERY has been built just for the animals the trucks have demolished, you'd think that there'd been at least a couple of people included also. Hey, pedestrians get hit in the part of Portland, Oregon where the speed limit is below 25 MPH - these trucks must be doing 80.

And how 'bout lovable ole' Jud? Nice enough guy who can't keep his mouth shut. Yeah, I know, if he did we wouldn't have a movie, but he spills his guts about this whole 'get your dead stuff back' deal and then spends the rest of the movie telling Louis (the father) not to do what he spent lengths to explain to him. Uh, okay.

So of course when Louis loses the cat he didn't take care of and the toddler son he didn't build a fence for, he does the inevitable despite Jud's and Victor's protests. Who was Victor? Hmm... having a kid hit by a truck (THERE IT IS) and mangled and following you around rotting slowly giving you advice you ignore, where have we seen that? Ah yes, American Werewolf In London, where David Naughton's best friend, savaged by a werewolf keeps appearing to him more and more messed up through the movie. 

The book Pet Semetery was written in 1983, the movie AWIL made in 1981 by John Landis... okay. Let's leave that one alone - except to compare poor Victor to little toddler Gage. Gage, maybe 2 years old is splatted by a high speed truck. When he comes back, he's got a nice, neat scar on his forehead. That's it. And how can he come back anyway after being embalmed (assuming there would have been enough left to embalm)?

Oh and of course, in the end, when Louis takes his wife Rachel out there and she returns and kills him, where does she go? Did she just gradually fall apart? Inquiring minds and smart asses like me wanna know.


Pet Sematary Two (II): Umm, I didn't enjoy this one as much as I did the first time, probably because of the violence towards animals. Yeah, I know they regulate that so no animal is ever hurt, doesn't mean I like to watch it. If people are going to be nasty psychopaths to each other, well, they can go right ahead and do that. But leave the bunnies, cats (especially harmless kittens) and dogs out of it, okay? 




Although I did enjoy the performances by the then-still-cute Edward Furlong, and Clancy Brown, who before this had enjoyed thoroughly in Highlander. But watching this again I can see why they ran out of steam for any chance of a Pet Semetery 3.


Still doesn't mean we really NEED a remake. Whose gonna be Gage - Chucky? <Bad joke, sorry>

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