ONE LAST MOVIE I SAID I WAS NEVER GONNA WATCH BUT HERE WE ARE AND DAMMIT I'M GOING TO BITE THE BULLET AND REVIEW THIS SUCKA



Fright Night (2011)

In 1985, year of such wonderful movies (according to me in alphabetical order) as Back To The Future, Better Off Dead, The Breakfast Club, Clue, Day Of The Dead (well, meh), Enemy Mine, The Goonies, Just One Of The Guys (I love Clayton Rohner), Kiss Of The Spider Woman (I'm throwing that in there to sound sophisticated - I really didn't watch it), Ladyhawke (I love Rutger Hauer), Re-Animator (I love Jeffrey Combs), Real Genius (With the REAL Val Kilmer), Silver Bullet, Silverado (I love Jeff Fahey), St. Elmo's Fire (I love... none of these guys), Weird Science (I liked Oingo Boingo, you'd know him better as Danny Elfman), Witness, Young Sherlock Holmes...

What was my point? Oh yeah, in this year of a freaking TON of movies that I've only listed a few of, there was one that was a fave even though I didn't crush on any of the actors in it. Fright Night. Starring Chris Sarandon and Roddy McDowall as well as a few others I'd never seen before, it was freaking sweet. It was silly, it was scary (in a not-give-you-nightmares kind of way), it was slick - I've seen it so often it's one of the movies I repeat the words to (which drives my hubby crazy) when I watch it every couple of months or so. The phrase 'You're sooo cool Brewster' was almost an 80's version of a meme. It. Was. Cool.

So hearing in 2011 they were remaking it I was not pleased. Finding out it was going to star Colin Farrell made me ill. Hearing it was going to be a DISNEY project induced projectile vomiting.

Note: It's 5/9/14 and I've been revamping (sorry) my blog and just now noticed that the 'new' Charlie Brewster is the same guy (Anton Yelchin) who plays Odd Thomas (reviewed 3/24/14). Yikes. 

So with heavy heart I start watching. The first thing I see is they have made late night hack actor Peter Vincent (McDowall) into a character like Criss Angel. I stopped the movie, got out some whiskey and Tums (can't have one without the other unless I want to see the new year with a gut on fire and my head swollen to three times its size), took a deep breath and tried again.

Gaaaaak. Had to come up for air. Really? They're really doing this? Evil Ed (here played by the guy from Kick-Ass), one of the funniest characters from the first movie, the psycho weirdo who everybody thinks is a total spaz is now the BRAIN? He's the one figuring everything out? Ugh. And he said it. In practically a deadpan voice, 'You're so cool Brewster'. SACRILEGE!!!! If this gets any worse I'm gonna be typing in Captain Kirk mode and. every. word. will. have. a. period. Seriously. I was almost relieved when he bites it (sorry) twenty minutes in.

What do I have against Colin Farrell? Um, hard to explain - he's in a category of MEN I WOULD NEVER LET TOUCH ME THAT OTHER WOMEN SEEM TO FAINT OVER. There's lots of them and they all seem to be pretty popular: Ryan Reynolds, Owen Wilson, Chris Hemsworth (well okay he was pretty good in The Cabin In The Woods but given a choice between him and Loki...), Channing Tatum, Robert Pattinson, Henry Cavill, Christian Bale... hmm, maybe I should stop, I'm running low on Tums.

Huh? Oh yeah, the movie. Well it had some interesting bits - the scene where Charlie breaks into Jerry's house, rescues one of his victims, spends about an hour (not really but it felt like it) sneaking her out of the house (good tension and suspense, just went a little long) just to have her explode into CGI'd gore when they reached a sunny spot (Note to makers of CGI effects: It's NOT REALISTIC if the gore DOES NOT HIT THE GROUND OR THE PERSON STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE GORE, OK?) was not so bad. Charlie is left to slink home while Jerry, knowing full well he was there just grins and drinks his beer and eats his apples (That was a thing in the 1985 version too - what was it about the apples?).

So Charlie is a believer, his mother is not, his girlfriend isn't talking to him so his next step: Contact Criss Ang... umm I mean Peter Vincent (David Tennant, a face I was actually glad to see - he was one of my favorite Doctors on Doctor Who). He of course turns out to be a foul mouthed faker who kicks Charlie out without hesitation. Nice digs though.

Charlie begs his mom and girlfriend to believe him when Jerry shows up at the door asking to be let in. This changes the movie up a bit. We're 56 minutes in and Charlie's mother begins to see what her son was worried about when Jerry, told to go away, instead begins to dig up her back lawn. And their gas pipe. The special effects for this part were pretty good. Got to give them kudos for the best part: Jerry, riding Charlie's dirtbike, launches it into the air, crashing it into the back of their van and almost killing Amy. That was... not bad at all.

And then the nausea returned to me full force. Driving down the highway after first crushing Jerry into his own truck (didn't work of course) then slamming on the brakes 'cause he's clinging to the undercarriage of the van and punching his way through, they're rear ended by a car going at full speed. The driver stumbles out... and it's Chris Sarandon (the original Jerry Dandrige). I had to stop watching for a while. That was dirty pool.

Fortunately (for Chris) he's killed in about two minutes. Unfortunately Colin was not. Fighting with Charlie over a cross proves worthless but he doesn't appreciate mom slamming a Century 21 sign (nice product placement guys) through his chest. Does she hit his heart? Pffft...

As Charlie and his girl watch over his mom in the hospital, Peter Vincent in movie-style timing happens to pick up a picture Charlie had left there and low and behold, it means something to him. He calls Charlie (And he got Charlie's number how?) and they have the break-the-tension-by-using-backstory time while Peter tells them what he knows. Precious little. Mostly that Jerry is of a particularly nasty breed of vampires (There are breeds? New one on me.). And here comes Ed - now of the long-toothed breed. But still not funny.

He and Charlie fight, leaving Amy to deal with Jerry. I like that she had more on the ball than in the original - they had portrayed her as a whiny, neglected girlfriend and then victim but in the remake she stands on her own and fights. That was something anyway. She finds holy water (duh) and throws it in Jerry's face, then helps Charlie kill Ed (again). In the original Ed got to shapeshift into a wolf and go out with a bang - here he just falls to a heap of ash on the floor. Meh. And where's Criss... dammit I mean Peter Vincent through this whole thing (And wouldn't a Vegas showman pick a fancier name?)? Locked safely away in his 'panic room' watching the show. Bad bad boy Dr. Who - shame on you.

Since Jerry is so nasty, the holy water is just a temporary inconvenience and besides, we have 30 minutes of film to go. The two survivors run into a club and the unce unce unce music is horrid - how do kids dance to that for hours? They don't. Ever watch a club scene? They hop up and down - that's about it. Anywho, the two get separated in the crush of the crowd. Jerry catches Amy and bites her. Okay that's dumb. In public? Must be something about the 'nasty breed' Peter was talking about. Amy is his now.

Charlie goes back for Peter. Instead of refusing to help him 'cause he's only an actor (and a coward) as in the original, they make it more stupid - not only were Peter's parents killed by a vampire, they were killed by Jerry. Okay we've slid from almost good back to massive duh country. But also in movie duh style because his parents were killed he's been collecting religious artifacts all his life - one being a 'blessed stake'. Here come the Tums again, I better find that second bottle.

Charlie gets supplies from an army surplus store and here we go. Waiting for sunlight he storms the house. As in the original movie, Peter Vincent decides to help him at the last minute, 'Let's kill something.' Sure, just do it a little faster, please. Down in the basement Charlie is locked in a room with Amy as Jerry prepares to kill Peter. Ah geez - Colin Farrell says the other best line in almost a monotone, 'Welcome to Fright Night - for real.' Dammit Chris Sarandon had a whole lot more style than that sucka.

Okay the next part was - pretty cool. Jerry hits Peter in the head with a pebble, drawing a bead of blood. As soon as it hits the ground, here comes Jerry's, uh, pack I guess you'd call 'em. And the world of CGI pumps it up some more as Jerry's previous victims literally come out of the walls. They descend on Peter and start snacking while Charlie gets knocked around a while by his girlfriend then runs to take on Jerry. And here it gets stupid again. Was this the basement of the house or not? I mean they're in a sort of reinforced cave, they climbed down the stairs in his house to get there - yet when shots are fired at the ceiling there's the light of day coming through?

Sigh. Let's just finish this, okay? Peter had told Charlie that since Jerry's kind of vampire is a super duper hard to kill kind he would have to be stabbed in the heart while on fire. Uh huh. That was just a setup for the last bit of CGI nonsense. At the surplus store (because they have tons of them just lying around) Charlie had bought a fire suit and puts on cap and goggles while Peter lights him up. He then jumps on Jerry and we get several minutes of CGI'd flying around as Jerry tries to get away from the fire. Peter manages to shoot a hole directly above Jerry's head so he's getting it from two sources. With his chest on fire his heart is revealed and Charlie shoves the sacred stake through it.

We get another CGI'd scene of a vampire blowing up, blood going everywhere - except on Charlie, the floor, the other people in the room... sigh. With the permanent death of Jerry, all the victims who came out of the walls, Amy, and the much-bitten Peter who had started to turn himself all become human again. In the end, Peter Vincent lets them use his penthouse for Amy's deflowering. Aaaaaand scene.

Ick, okay I did it. It was stomach turning but I did it. What? There's gonna be a Fright Night 2 remake? Excuse me, I need to take a trip to the liquor store...

And that does it for me for the year - everyone keep safe and keep sane.

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MOVIES THAT AREN'T WORTH MENTIONING BUT NOW THAT I'M HERE I MIGHT AS WELL WARN YOU ABOUT THEM PART TWO

Twixt (2011)

There are movies you discover by accident and think 'Oh, cool!' and others you say 'Oh shit!' This film would be in the scatalogical category. How can that be? It was by the awe-inspiring Francis Ford Coppola after all, right? Young ones, let me break this down for you a bit:

FFC is currently 74 years old. He has a place in Napa Valley, California. In the 70's this gentleman was GOD. Ever heard of a little film called The Godfather? I know you little whippersnappers, lots of you weren't even born yet. Got it. Think of it this way - he was the Joss Whedon of the 70's, okay? Everything he made was golden. Happening to have a nephew named Nicolas Cage was NOT his fault.

In the 80's and 90's he tried to keep that Golden Boy status with mixed results 'cause hey, he was rich, he was getting older and probably didn't really care all that much. Sorry, that's real life. So here we are - in the 21st century and this dude is past retirement. But he makes a picture anyway. He chooses a potato as a leading man. 

Not just any potato - you know the one at the bottom of the bag that's getting kind of mushy with the little white roots sticking out that you know you'll have to cut almost in half to get anything good out of it? That one. His name is Val Kilmer. And keeping with the food motif, FFC gives a very brief role (FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THEIR DIVORCE the reviews keep repeating) to a prune who keeps yelling at the potato over Skype about money. That... was almost funny. 

The prune was, of course, Joanne Whalley. I know, I know, WHO? Trust me, they were a 'thing' for about a month when they appeared in Willow together (don't ask, that was probably before you were born too).

You know what was funnier? Some fan said he must have gained weight just for that role. Bwahahahaha... honey if that was true, he's been preparing for YEARS. It also reminded me of the Val I knew, from 1985's Real Genius when his professor said, "I want to see more of you around the lab," and Val's character instantly comes back with "Fine, I'll gain weight." <snicker>

AND there's a man whose voice was driving me crazy although he didn't look that familiar... I finally pinned it down and this is almost before MY time - Don Novello, better known to your parents (or grandparents) as SNL's Father Guido Sarducci played Melvin, the town's clock tower keeper.

This is supposed to have happened in some small town... somewhere. Actually a lot of the movie was filmed ON COPPOLA'S PROPERTY. See? He's so tired he doesn't even want to leave home. Welcome to my world.

So. I like having one word sentences. It drives my hubby crazy. 

"So is not a sentence." 

"So?"

So. We have a vegetable, a fruit, and a piece of petrified wood. That would be Bruce Dern to you older ones. And one stupid, vapid, nonsensical story that strung waaaay out like some kind of bad hangover.

A writer of witch hunter stories wants to write about something else and after being in this small town and discovering a place where Edgar Allan Poe once spent the night (In California?) he plops his mushy body down and thinks about what to write about. Looooong story shortened considerably, every time he falls asleep he has more interesting dreams than his waking life. Again, welcome to my world.

Not only does he decides to join the overdone vampire novel crowd, he thinks this particular town (with his new dream-buddy Poe's help) will be his inspiration and where REAL vampires are. Uh huh. They show the potato drinking constantly - gee, that couldn't have anything to do with all the dreams could it? 

He also (in his dreams, in real life he'd get arrested) has an interesting and uneasy relationship with a 13-year-old girl (Elle Fanning - younger sister of Dakota) which gets even weirder when Poe points out that his wife was 13 AND his cousin (this is actually true). People didn't faint over that kind of thing in Poe's day but today, mating a half mushed potato and a young girl is just... sick.

So we get this convoluted story full of 'maybes' - maybe there are real vampires across the lake (there's a commune there for whatever reason), maybe there's a serial killer that's been killing kids for (they don't say - they don't provide a whole hell of a lot of info to keep the story rolling), maybe the latest victim (who has a huge rafter in her chest) was a vampire too, maybe she's the girl the potato dreams about, maybe Edgar Allan Poe really IS trying to get the potato to write a great book. Sheah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt. Ah geez, you guys are too young for THAT reference too?

I'm beginning to feel like a half mushed potato myself. Anyway, the story drags with maybes on and on and on... until this sorry piece of film is movie length then they cut to a quick ending that shows you what happened, kind of like when you chew food, open your mouth and show it to your sibling.

The girl is a metaphor, maybe, for love lost and his dead kid (I didn't mention that - cause it wasn't important), Poe is a metaphor, maybe, for the potato not being able to write his book without her, the town being a metaphor, maybe, for the small world he's stuck in, and since the last scene is him turning in the book the whole movie is a metaphor, maybe, for an old man looking to make a quick buck.

He wasn't able to squeeze it all into his ending though and has to tell you, in text (like this was real or something which blows the metaphor stuff out of the water) that the potato's book sold, he now writes vampire series (oh God please no), the murders in the town were never solved and a character they kept showing that may or may not have been real, a 50's style biker with emo makeup, is never seen again. And neither is 90 minutes of your life.

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LESS THAN ZERO



The Wickeds (2005)

When a movie has to rely on a former porn star (not female, put your tongues back in) and some lame in-jokes and rip-offs of lines from GOOD movies, you know you're in for a bad, bad movie. The porn star? Ron Jeremy. If you haven't heard of him, you're probably better off. Besides being in countless porn movies, his non-porn movie credits include a lot of Troma films and, <gulp>, The Boondock Saints. WTH?

I'm desperately trying to NOT picture this man naked...

This claims to be a zombie film and I guess that's technically true because there are dead people in it. But it is soooo terrible that the actors playing live characters probably wished fervently that they could trade places. Because the makeup hides the real faces see and so those people could go on to other movies without too much shame.

One of the few scenes you DON'T see a boom mic...

Sigh. You know the setup all too well - teenagers you wish were already dead decide to spend Halloween in an old house that has just been used as a horror movie set and is supposed to be haunted. But their fun (and this movie) starts to drag when a couple of grave robbers (Really? In this day and age?) who have stolen an item that supposedly has kept the dead (And vampires?) in their graves show up 'cause, uh, yeah. So I don't know if these are just zombies or vampire zombies or vampires or... you know what? I don't care. And neither would you.

I got it! He's a zompire!

The only interesting things were the massively stupid things they did to try to be original. Some I saw in the movie, others I read. The boys are all named after Fox television shows (okay suck show names for a suck movie, got it), we have a ripoff of the Sixth Sense line 'I see dead people', and the boom mic operator probably couldn't get hired for another movie if he tried - besides constantly getting in the shots, if you don't see the boom directly, you see the shadow of it in countless shots. 

I didn't know zompires wore 
body suits with large zippers...

The best line? One of the boys ponders 'What would Bruce Campbell do?' although if I were Bruce I'd sue for that one. In fact the most entertainment you'll find in this horrid example of a low budget movie is the goofs shown during the credits. That's pretty bad.

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HIGHER EDUCATION WILL KILL YOU






Vampegeddon (2010)

Ah c'mon who can resist a title like this one? And it does involve college students dying so - yeah, bring on the pain! Actually the main reason I picked this one is because of a couple of reviews that were under it that made me laugh so hard I almost wet myself. Since they're anonymous I think it's safe to copy them here:

1st Story: I worked on this film. We knew it was bad when we were filming. The production team consisted of a bunch of film students shooting nonsense in the Arizona desert on a $2500 budget. We shot the whole thing in about 10 days. And to be honest, most of us were drunk a good portion of the time. Fun was had by all.We apologize for this film.

2nd Story: I worked on this as well, and I can confirm what the other guy said. I, for one, was incredibly drunk through the entire shoot. I don't think anyone involved thought that this would ever wind up anywhere other than a garbage bin.This will probably be the worst film you ever see. Please, please do not watch it.

After reading that, how could anyone resist finding out what is just so bad about this movie? Especially me. So we have the basic vampire story, according to this film starting in 1213, and leading up to the great exodus of vampires from Europe into the new world. We then get a bit of the 1800's as the main hunter confronts the main vampire. Both 'die'.

Fast forward to the present and five college friends, trying to portray goth kids. It's not flattering. Goth kids get so much abuse anyway that's undeserved, just because of the way they look and these idiots portray them in the worst light. One of the girls wants out of their dead end town by becoming, uh, undead I guess. How that would help I dunno. But her logic of 'If I don't become one of the undead I will be stuck forever in this place.' doesn't make sense at all. But then again these five also are pushing 30 so we're not really sticking to authenticity or logic here.

And there's no story. The makeup was drop dead funny, the soundtrack kept cutting in and out and the cinematography was a laugh and a half. The costumes? Apparently vampires love wearing cheap black capes down to the ground as well as red lace uh, scarves? We've got goth kids looking for a thrill, two massive idiots looking to mess with the goth kids, and a vampire looking for a new, uh, life? 

The girl who wants to be undead named Melissa passes a strange garage sale where the man insists she take an ancient book - he being what I guess you'd call a ghoul or something as he receives a bunch of bites from sexy women who all looked exactly alike.

Long story short, the kids succeed and the main vamp is resurrected - and so is the hunter, into the body of one of the girls, Liz. Suddenly she has the hunter's English accent and is kickass around vampires. The main vamp prepares Melissa for 'marriage' in the longest scene of nothing I have ever had the pain to witness. He basically spends about 20 minutes feeling her up while she's in bra and panties. Then they lose the bra, probably sensing they're losing their audience. More feeling up, blood being spilled all over her. 

Her other friends (except for Liz) are now either vamps or dead. But it comes down to the main vamp and the hunter once again and once again the vamp is vanquished. He is stabbed in the heart (duh) but there is no blood and no hole in his shirt. Okay that's just plain lazy.

Since Melissa is a lesbian and Liz, still possessed by the hunter was a heterosexual man they now have a chance at some sort of relationship - for some reason, Melissa is still 'marked' and so Liz says she has to be protected. Why? Oh no, you're not going to ask for logic at this point are you? Besides, the movie's over.

Oh but one thing: I'd love to have the ring the main vamp had on his middle finger - it ran the length of his finger and was really bitchin'. Sorry about that but I can be silly too.