WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE THEY SELLING TO OUR CHILDREN???

And I'm Not Just Talking About A Doll That Shoots Flames Out Of Its' Butt

That's a real thing by the way - if you're REALLY good maybe I'll put it at the end of this entry...

Miss Mayhem here.

While Miss Murder convalesces, I asked her which movie she'd like to see reviewed next. I don't know how the conversation came up, but we got to talking about some of the stupidest scenes we've seen in horror movies. Actually, I should say mostly the stupidest scenes Miss Murder has seen, since she seen a lot more horror movies than I have. 

Funny though, for as new as I am with this movie review stuff, I still have seen a handful of them with so-called séance scenes and so was able to concur 100% with Miss Murder about how formulaic these scenes are, no matter which movie you're watching.

We took some notes down and put them together. Movie séance scenes are easy to predict and basically they happen this way: Two to six stupid teenagers (which usually means they're at least 25 or older) get together with some sort of spirit board as a joke or, sometimes, as a so-called serious way of finding out information they think they need to know.

It doesn't matter what they use. Miss Murder has said she's seen them use regular boards, sometimes scraps of paper, sometimes a glass instead of a planchette (the wooden thingy with a glass or plastic circle so you can see the letters/numbers), and in a couple of cases, they just plain scratched out the letters on the floor.

The idiot teenagers gather around the board giggling because, of course, this is just for fun. They all swear at each other and yell 'be serious dammit' as they place their hands on whatever device they happen to be using in the movie. Of course, no one actually believes that this is going to work. In fact, at least two or three of them will continue to repeat 'this is not going to work'. Massive, massive duh, as Miss Murder would say. 

Miss Murder remembers this commercial - 

there was another one too, even older, but she couldn't find it...

Point is, listen to the voices - the commercial is for kids.

The planchette, or whatever they're using, begins to move. Invariably, we hear them argue with each other 'you're moving it', 'no, you're moving it', 'no, you're moving it', ad nauseam. Finally, somebody asks their question. The planchette, or whatever, begins to move toward their answer because, in movies, Ouija boards always work.

The table goes flying in 3...2...

After getting several answers and giggling like idiots (because they're usually drunk too), they realize that the planchette or whatever is moving by itself. Of course, this signals the end of their so-called fun. Now they start to get scared. Invariably, they say stupid things like 'We shouldn't have done this man!' or something close to it, and all get up to get away from this horrible, horrible thing. 

But that's not good enough for today's horror moviemakers because they need to pound us over the head with their supernatural movie duh point because apparently they think their audience is too stupid to get it otherwise.

Made just for girls... tee hee...

So we get scenes like the board throwing itself off the table, or the planchette flying off across the room, or, in one case, where the board was not a board, but letters drawn onto a table, the whole table flying across the room. All scream and run like rabbits and we get more stupid special effects before the movie ends.

Not to say that there hasn't been some interesting, umm, variations. We have seen people use 'Simon Says' toys (green beeps for yes, red for no), and in one particularly hilarious case, some kind of World War I gas mask attached to a tube which in turn is attached to some sort of listening device. If you do not watch horror movies, know that we are NOT kidding. If you do watch horror movies, you know exactly which movie we're talking about.

Glows in the dark!

The movie Supernatural Activity (not to be confused with Paranormal Activity) spoofed this in their movie about different massively stupid horror movies. The main character offers to bring out his Ouija board to the immediate horror of the others who tell him no way. 

In an aside to the camera, he says always offer the Ouija, they never want the Ouija. When the others tell him that he needs to get rid of that 'demon board' he offers to set it on fire. This brings about another fit of panic from the others who tell him 'do not burn the Ouija'. In another aside to the camera, he says always offer to burn the Ouija, they never want to burn the Ouija. 

I love that movie (says Miss Murder) because it has more truth and more common sense in a movie that supposed to be a comedy spoof then most horror movies that are trying to be serious.

So. Miss Murder said I could go ahead and print this little conversation if I wanted to, as long as I do a little research about the Ouija board and how such a dangerous object (yes people, this is not a game) has become something that retailers have pointed towards small children. 

I did the research, the gist of which follows. If you're really good and read some of it, you can watch the video of a flame shooting out of a butt of a doll at the end.

No one really knows a specific date when this became popular, although spiritism, or the attempt to 'speak with the dead' is something as old as the Bible, which by the way, condemns it. Galations 5:19: "Now the works of the flesh are plainly seen, and they are sexual immorality, uncleanness, brazen conduct, idolatry, spiritism, hostility, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, dissensions, divisions, sects, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and things like these. I am forewarning you about these things, the same way I already warned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit God’s Kingdom."

But of course the practice has become widespread and even trivialized - after all, one recent version of the Ouija board 'game' sets the age of the users as "8 to 15". How did the board itself start? No one knows exactly, but a patent was applied for and granted at the beginning of the 1900's for the planchette, while the board itself has had a myriad of versions. 

In the mid 1800's, spiritism became all the rage as a parlor game, usually led by a medium using a planchette with an opening for a pen, with which she (or he I guess) conducted what is called 'automatic writing' where she/he goes into a trance and what is written on the paper comes straight from the spirits - I guess.

The planchette has hundreds of variations, including the one with the hole in it to use with an ever-changing addition - the Ouija board. Following its commercial introduction by businessman Elijah Bond in 1890, the Ouija board was still regarded as a harmless parlor game unrelated to the occult until American Spiritualist Pearl Curran popularized its use as a divining tool during World War I.

This looks about right...

In February, 1891, the first few advertisements started appearing in papers: “Ouija, the Wonderful Talking Board,” boomed a Pittsburgh toy and novelty shop, describing a magical device that answered questions “about the past, present and future with marvelous accuracy” and promised “never-failing amusement and recreation for all the classes,” a link “between the known and unknown, the material and immaterial.” Another advertisement in a New York newspaper declared it “interesting and mysterious” and testified, “as Proven at Patent Office before it was allowed. Price, $1.50.”

What's funny (at least I thought so) was all these places I found information from made sure to tell people about the skepticism of those in the scientific communities - that they called the phenomenon a hoax related to the ideomotor response. I kept reading it as the 'idiotmeter response'. I like mine better. 

Not everyone thought it was so 'marvelous' - it was blamed for all sorts of atrocities and deviant behavior, and some pretty recently.

In West Richland, WA in 2007, there was a horrific double murder of a mother and her daughter. The killers were two teenage boys, one her own son, 15-year-old Don Schalchlin, the  other 16-year-old Joshua Tucker. Tucker's mother tried to claim that he had carried out the murders while possessed by the Devil who found him when he was using a Ouija board. The courts were not moved - he is currently serving nearly 41 years after pleading guilty. The son? He got a mere seven years, for trying to 'cover up' the crime. Nice.

The Mars Volta (an American rock band established in 2001 who broke up in 2012) wrote their album 'Bedlam in Goliath' based on their alleged experiences with a Ouija board. According to their story (written for them by a fiction author, Jeremy Robert Johnson), Omar Rodriguez Lopez (their guitar player) purchased one while traveling in Jerusalem. At first the board provided a story which became the theme for the album. 

Strange events allegedly related to this activity occurred during the recording of the album: the studio flooded, one of the album's main engineers had a nervous breakdown, equipment began to malfunction, tracks would disappear at random, and Cedric Bixler-Zavala's foot was injured. Following these bad experiences the band buried the Ouija board. 

On January 2, 2008, they released an online game called "Goliath: The Soothsayer". The album chronicles the band's purported experience with the "Soothsayer", (the Ouija board) and its transition from a source of fun on tour to a psycho-spiritual force that almost tore the band apart.

In London in 1994, convicted murderer Stephen Young was granted a retrial after it was learned that four of the jurors had conducted a Ouija board seance and had "contacted" the murdered man, who had named Young as his killer. Young was convicted for a second time at his retrial and jailed for life.

Those are three modern examples but there are many, many more. Point being, the board is NOT a toy, NOT a game, and definitely NOT for children. You wanna mess with that stuff, keep your kids out of it. Mainstream religions and some occultists have associated use of a Ouija board with the concept of demonic possession, and view the use of the board as a spiritual threat and have cautioned their followers not to use a Ouija board - but those with a modicum of reason should know that already.

Anywho, here's some history of the progression of this 'game': Elijah Bond and Charles Kennard had the idea to get the patent. An employee of Kennard, William Fuld, took over the talking board production and in 1901, he started production of his own boards under the name "Ouija". Kennard claimed he learned the name "Ouija" from using the board and that it was an ancient Egyptian word meaning "good luck." When Fuld took over production of the boards, he popularized the more widely accepted etymology, that the name came from a combination of the French and German words for "yes".

Product Description from the Manufacturer:

Whether you call it Wee-Gee or Wee-Ja, the Classic Ouija board spells fun.
Just ask it a question and wait to see what answer the Mystifying Oracle will
reveal to you. Includes a sturdy wood Ouija board featuring original graphics
and plastic message indicator. WARNING: Choking hazard for children under 3 yrs.
Product Description: Plastic game unit with Pop-O-Matic die roller, 16 Playing Pegs (4 Yellow, 4 Green, 4 Blue, 4 Red), and English and Spanish Instructions.
(WHOOPS! I think they got their games crossed - I don't see any pegs, do you?)

Miss Manners: Ohhhh, this is what they were talking about - 1980's 
Pop-O-Matic Trouble game. This was one of those board games
 my so-called male parental unit would throw against the wall in fury 
after playing for about ten minutes. Gee my childhood was fun...

The Fuld name would become synonymous with the Ouija board, as Fuld reinvented its history, claiming that he himself had invented it. The strange talk about the boards from Fuld's competitors flooded the market, and all these boards enjoyed a heyday from the 1920s through the 1960s. Fuld sued many companies over the "Ouija" name and concept right up until his death in 1927. In 1966, Fuld's estate sold the entire business to Parker Brothers, which was sold to Hasbro in 1991, and which continues to hold all trademarks and patents. About ten brands are sold today under various names. You might hear such names as 'spirit board', 'witch board', 'talking board', 'Volo board', or 'Igili board'.

Unfortunately, to this day Hasbro continues to market this freaking thing, mostly to children. And you wonder why your kid won't sleep without a night-light.

Sources: Smithsonian, Wikipedia, Google

And now, because you've been good: A review of the Fanny Flambeaux doll that is apparently part of the Smokin' Pussies gang. Not really surprising as you'll see in the video.

To be perfectly honest though - the doll turned out to be a fraud - manufactured by substances listed on the video page - but funny nonetheless!

❦❦❦ Miss Mayhem ❦ ❦ ❦

OKAY I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, BUT DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE US WAIT TWO FREAKING YEARS?


Insidious: Chapters 1 and 2 Mashup (2013)

I dunno, maybe I'm losing my ability to appreciate a good, scary horror movie. Show me one and let's see - 'cause this ain't it. This will be a very unpopular opinion (most of mine are) because from what I've read, people think that James Wan walks on water and is the best thing since Sam Raimi. Okay one, that's blasphemy. Two, before you get hooked on a director who uses cheap tricks to force a scare (see below) and lots of twists, lets remember a similar director who nobody seems to want to work with anymore. Does the name M. Night Shyamalan ring any bells?

In 2011 Insidious came out and I reluctantly reviewed it on 10/10/12. To me, that movie was so full of unanswered questions, half plots and just plain WTH? moments it was impossible NOT to tear it completely apart. I called the movie out because it ripped off ideas from every other movie of its type. AND it claimed to be scarier than the Exorcist. 

Can you make this quick? I've
got three other houses to buy...

You know what was scary about the first and second Insidious? I'll tell you. The dialogue and whatever's going on is done softly, almost mumbling in spots so (if you're watching it at home) you have to turn the volume WAAAAY up to understand what's going on (especially if there's no CC available).

Then, since there's really no scares, they ramp it up by BLARING MUSIC AT TOP VOLUME!!! Damn thing just about blew out my woofer each time it did that. I can just imagine what it sounded like in a theater. THAT was scary. The movies were not. I mean just look at the movie poster. Duh. 

Remember waaaay back in the days of dial up modems that joke you played on your email buddies by sending them the 'ghost car commercial' joke? That gem shows a car driving around a road in the country and you were supposed to look reeeeal closely...

The most infuriating part is that this second movie which kind of explains the first wasn't even planned. OH NO YOU DON'T I CALL BULLSTUFF ON THAT ONE!!! I believed that at first, but consider this: the character of Elise Rainier, the medium who wears the most hilarious getup during her sceances was played in the first movie by Lin Shaye. At the end of the first movie she is killed. So the second movie backs up to explain what happened with the family way back when and Elise is alive and played by... Lin Shaye. 

THAT means that obviously something was planned to follow the first movie, otherwise why make her character look older if not so she can play her younger self in the second movie? AND she is to play that same character in the third, currently in pre-production? Huh? Huh? Yeah, thought so.

Hey! Heeeeeey! Remember me?
How come I'm not in this movie? Huh? Huh?

Nice mind-screw Mr. Wan. Just one small problem with your eeeeeevil little plan: Seeing them TWO YEARS apart would be worthless to the average moviegoer, considering they would have seen dozens of movies in between and so who memorizes movies for that long anyway? For the purpose of this review I actually watched the first movie again (don't say I never suffer for my readers) before watching the second.

I tried to think of a way to present this movie as an explanation to the first but as I said, there were two years between these films. SO I am going to attempt what may be impossible - give you the story by combining both movies. If you can't understand a bloody thing that's happening, that's perfectly okay. It just means you're in good company with others scratching their heads and wondering why they wasted money in the theaters just to have a soundtrack by Joseph Bishara blow out their eardrums. So here we go:

Dammit I'm dead and I'm still in this stupid movie...

We have a seemingly normal family called the Lamberts who live in a huge house because, as a school teacher, Mr. Josh Lambert (Patrick Wilson, who is also in The Conjuring and seriously in danger of pigeonholing himself into roles in dumbass paranormal movies) is practically a millionaire. One day their son Dalton (Ty Simpkins) has a spill and goes into a coma. He has no injuries or brain damage, but won't wake up. And the movie is over.

What? Okay, okay. He won't wake up so eventually they move him, hospital bed, tubes and gunk, back home. And weird things start to happen. Don't expect anything original. We're talking doors banging, opening by themselves, and the requirement of every paranormal movie: the kitchen furniture makes a big pile because we all know that ghosts are just frustrated interior decorators who want things a certain way. 

Grandma?

Josh (the millionaire teacher) has a mother (Barbara Hershey) who knows just what's going on but didn't bother to warn him. Thanks mom. Josh Lambert packs up his family and moves to a new huge house. And things get worse - much worse. Josh's mom finds family portraits and is freaked that Josh is in them because he can't have his photo taken - it steals his soul. 

Sigh, you guys aren't going to let me have ANY fun, are you? There is a small reveal that since Josh was small, every time she took his picture there was a ghostly figure of a woman near him and with each picture it got closer so she called a medium (I thought she was a small myself) named Elise who determined that Josh has the power of astral projection.

Who am I and why am I in this movie?
<sings> I'm not going to tell you...

Umm what? He's got the OBEs? That's out of body experience BTW SMH. He thinks he's been dreaming but he's been wandering Through The Never... oops, sorry, that's a Metallica song. He's been in what Elise calls (and she's the only medium here so she calls it anything she wants) The Further. You got your sad spirits, your mad spirits, your parasites (huh?), and your downright eeeevil ones. This woman she calls a parasite and says the way to protect Josh is to hypnotize him to forget he ever could do whatever she thinks he can do. So they do.

Back in the present his mother decides it's time for Elise to butt in again with her opinions. She tells the family it's not the houses - it's Dalton. Remember, this is a mashup of both movies so if you only saw the first one and are thinking WTH it's because you need to rush out and rent the second one okay? Or not.

Apparently they never pay their light bills in The Further...

Elise and her two assistants set up a sort of seance and this was so funny to me I had to watch it in sections 'cause I kept laughing too hard to hear what was going on. If I had been in a theater they would have thrown me out. They sit at the table and Elise... wait, let me put away all sharp objects and carbonated beverages. 

Elise brings out what looks to be a WWI gas mask with a long hose and an earphone at the end. Supposedly she's supposed to communicate but can't be heard by normal means <pfffffft> so she talks in the mask and the guy <choke> and the guy <choke> and the guy writes down what's going down on a pad of ppppppp... on a pad of paper. Whew. At first it's normal but of course it gets nasty really fast and she ends up screaming and passing out like every other medium.

Sorry, there's a three nightmare limit in this bedroom...

Dalton is in big trouble. Mostly because he has a horrible agent and he's stuck in this movie. Elise says there's a horrible thing keeping him in the Further and he's lost. Josh has to go get him. She and his mother confess to his previous trips twisting, turning, through the never. You heard what I said. 

So Dalton, whose condition has nothing to do with having his picture taken, is being pursued by Darth Maul - umm I mean an entity that is a cartoon demon - the only thing he was missing was a trident. I can't take credit for the Darth Maul reference either - somebody else said it, I just don't remember who. 

Excuse me ma'am? Sir? Grandma?

Josh finds Dalton and they both go Through The Never... sorry, The Further and wake up. Everybody's happy - for a couple of seconds. Then Elise notices Josh's hands are dirty and like claws. He is now the old woman who chased him as a boy. She takes his picture quickly before he kills her. The wife finds it and as she sees it he comes up behind her. He kills her and the whole thing's over.

Ah c'mon, do you really want this to continue - 'cause I didn't. Sheesh. He doesn't kill her, he just goes on with the rest to a second movie. Renai is suspicious of Josh but he's acting all nice and stuff so everybody moves in with Josh's mom until the police are done with their investigation of Elise's murder. And strange things happen - AGAIN. Doors open by themselves, something sets off the alarms (THAT was freaking annoying - can't hear them anyway and now this piercing noise) and the piano keeps playing by itself. Badly. 

But Josh has had enough of the boogeyman, he wants everybody to just shut up - for a very good reason. Want me to tell you why? Tough. What happened to Darth Maul? Apparently he went back to the Star War's set 'cause he conveniently is dropped in this movie.

Oh, a small continuity error and boo boo in one - Renai had been knocked unconscious by a ghostie and Josh finds her and places her on the couch. As he does you can see her pull her feet back so her knees are bent. Kind of hard to do when you're supposed to be knocked out. Also he places her with her face straight up toward the ceiling but when it cuts away for a second and back, her head is cranked all the way to the right.

Just to make things more... confusing, the deceased Elise's assistants go into her house trying to find... I have no freaking idea. But they do find a tape with Josh's name on it and observe the little boy and the session where they made him forget everything. They digitize the tape and lighten it up. Standing in the corner in back of the kid is the grown up version of Josh. Oookay. Something is amiss. Mostly that you spent anywhere from twenty bucks on up to see this. They then go see Elise's friend Carl for more fun.

Wait.. is mortis allowed in Scrabble?

Carl's version of a Ouija board (since they seem to be determined not to have one in these two movies) is playing Boggle. No, really I'm serious. He has a bunch of 'dice' with letters in a cup. He shakes them up, asks a question and throws them on the table. What, no Magic 8 ball? What's wrong with these people? After a couple of false starts they get an answer to go to an abandoned hospital conveniently open when Josh's mom was a nurse. Oh. No. We've gone from slightly interesting with a two movie mashup right back down to paranormal hand held camera crap in an abandoned hospital. Mr. Wan you SUCK!

They find the ICU and Lorraine remembers a patient called Parker Crane, there because he attempted to castrate himself. The last time she saw him he was in the elevator with her and got off on a different floor. She asked the admitting desk why he was up and was told he had died by suicide the day before. Conveniently because otherwise this movie will be four hours long they immediately find his records in the abandoned record room (geez, that would be an identity thief's treasure trove - all those names, social security numbers, etc.) and find out where he lived. Oh yes, we're hunting wabbits now.

The Church Of The Perpetual Plot Fail

Parker's house is not only still conveniently standing, but unoccupied. They break in and find a secret room that has pews like a church and the dessicated corpses of dozens of women, all in wedding dresses. Parker had been a serial killer who kept clippings of all his crimes (he was called The Bride In Black) 'cause of his mother. The living discover Elise didn't send them here, Parker's mother did, and not because she wanted to be nice. 

Just to keep things nice and confusing, Josh (the real one in The Further) finds Elise (why is she there?) and they try to figure a way to find the woman who killed Elise. She suggests they ask the one person who would know - Josh the child. Oh geez, now we're doing time travel in The Further. He asks the Josh who's still under hypnosis where to find the woman and Josh stands up and points at his bedroom. They go to the door and open it. This was shown on the tape in the first movie with absolutely no explanation. Now you know. Happy?

Tell me again why you couldn't CGI this?

Meanwhile among the living - Josh's mother rushes home and tells the wife and kids to get out and that Josh is not Josh. Duh. The three men surround Josh who by now is becoming ill for... I don't know, cause he's not really Josh? I don't really care. Three strong men cannot subdue Josh. This is not even the BIGGEST duh of the whole movie but it came close since they made a big deal of Josh starting to fall apart and becoming ill and THREE men can't hold him? Sigh. This movie is 105 minutes long. That's 105 minutes more than it needed.

The family gets the okay to come home and of course get ambushed by Josh/not Josh. So now we have The Shining going on as a crazed Josh/not Josh hunts down the family. They end up down in the basement and Dalton gets the bright idea of twisting, turning, Through The Never... sigh. I mean he goes into The Further to get his dad. So what, two people are going to be in this body now?

Son? Daughter? Grandma?

Nope, apparently it's one per customer. Dalton finds his dad and Elise and Carl (the Boggle guy) and they make their way to get out of there - well not Elise, she's dead. On the way they discover the reason the woman's been following Josh - it's not a woman, it's the serial killer. As a boy he was forced to live as a girl and so hates all women and kills... you know what? I really don't care.

Everybody gets out, all go to the right bodies, and we have another happy moment that's surely going to go to hell any moment. That is, as soon as Mr. Wan gets another freaking script and maybe another two years go by...

What's that Mr. Wan? I get a five movie contract?

Our epilogue is the two assistants who seek out those who need help with 'parasite spirits'. Oh. Brother. They show up at a family's house, telling them when their daughter, currently in a sort of vegetative state, was resuscitated, she brought something bad back with her. Unseen by everyone except the youngest daughter is the spirit of Elise, who decides to tag along in astral form I'm assuming, to help the two with their, uh, endeavors. 

Our last scene (THANK YOU!) is Elise staring at the afflicted girl, then at the corner where, I'm assuming there is something really nasty. She yells 'Oh my God' like anybody's going to hear her and the movie's over. And Mr. Wan has more money. And a setup for another freaking movie. And I have a freaking headache. You're welcome.

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LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT... OH CRAP THAT'S NOT SHAMPOO - IT'S A HAND HELD CAMERA FOOTAGE MOVIE ABOUT STUPID PEOPLE GETTING POSSESSED AND DYING! NO WONDER MY SCALP ITCHES!



Back From Hell aka Ex Inferis or From Hell (2011) Italian

Disclaimer: Nothing on the movie poster actually happens in the movie. Maybe they screwed up and made this poster for another movie and got confused, I dunno. For Americans who insist on making possession movies by the dozen, here's how it usually goes. You gotta be Catholic (sorry - not being discriminatory, the movie makers are), you gotta play around with spirits because it's 'fun', you gotta get possessed, you gotta get a priest for an exorcism, and of course, it's gotta fail. The end.

I guess Italians wanted to mix several types of paranormal movies together because they've been getting a bit behind so here we have our six unlikable people together on holiday going to an abandoned house in the country. What, no insane asylum? Close - it was a monastery (rim shot). A church with a priest living in it by his lonesome is next door. Raise your hands if this sounds really contrived to you. Now put them down 'cause y'all look silly raising your hands at a computer screen (rim shot).

We get the 'found footage' element by the first screen declaring 'Ecclesiastic-Military Commission For Investigation On M Phenomena Original Tape "Zero Manifestation"'. That means... absolutely nothing as far as I'm concerned. If you know, tell me 'cause I got nothing.

The camera footage starts (as it always does) with the car ride. YAWN. The guy usually has a new camera or is such a pest that everyone is constantly swatting at him. Yup, got that here too. We notice that one seems to be an unhappy couple, she being pregnant, he being (according to her) distant and not affectionate. Oh. brother. Is this an obvious set up or what? (Don't answer that, I won't hear you besides I'm finishing up my horror movie worksheet (patent pending).

One guy who apparently asked no questions UNTIL they got there is upset that it was a monastery because it 'blasphemes his religion'. It, uh, what? Pffft, never mind. The house was recommended to the pregnant woman because she was an architect and the Church wants to do a bit of restoration on the place.

It's their first night in this monastery so of course they all do the logical thing in the mashup of every duh movie you've seen in the past couple of years. Out comes the homemade Ouija board - but we also get the duh explanation that Oui is yes in French and Ja is yes in German. Good thing DUH pretty much is covered in all languages. The REAL scoop (since this movie is boring me to tears) is that the board was mass developed when two businessmen decided to make a 'standard' type board and patent it. One named Kennard decided that the name was ancient Egyptian meaning 'good luck'. 

When the production was taken over by a man named William Fuld, he decided to claim HE created the board and that's when the yes-yes name was popularized. He was so sure of himself that if anyone else even tried to make their own he would sue them - right up until his death (you thought I was going to say even after his death, right?). The board became a game for most, and is even mass distributed by Hasbro, which now holds all patents and trademarks (for 3 and up!) although it is sold by different companies under other names. Wow, this movie must be REALLY boring me, I can't even keep to it...

They play around with the thing and we get the obligatory table thumping, are-you-doing-that arguing, and answers they don't want to questions they shouldn't have asked. One always says "I knew we shouldn't have done this." while another says "I'm frightened." Every. Time. In other words, leave the damned thing in the box in the toy section of the store.

One of the guys (the names are different in the Italian and American versions) is the first to go buggy. He disappears and when they finally find him, he's drooling and being stupid. Movie-possessed stupid I mean. So we get an endless amount of dark and heavy breathing, until you want to scream (or just play video games on the side, I mean, really). For an obvious plot point (and a way to know when to watch 'cause something might happen) just listen for the noise distortion from the video camera - in this movie that means the spirits are interfering with it. Since you probably won't be watching this, it's a valueless clue but just in case...

Oh, and of course, the priest living all by his lonesome next to the place indicates that the Church is covering up something and now we have a Scooby team to break the mystery of the forgotten monastery. Grab your scooby snacks 'cause this just keeps getting dumber and dumber... The possessed guy goes nuts and gee whiz, there happens to be the priest, right there, with a rosary and a prayer on the ready... hmm, that's not suspicious or anything... and then the car goes plbbbt. Geez, that was a shock. In other words, my worksheet, I think, needs to become an automated computerized worksheet. That way I can fill in a word or a name here and there and tada! A review! (Patent pending of course.)

The priest attempts an exorcism on the part-time possessed person (apparently this demon takes holidays too) which of course doesn't work and the priest realizes they're in deep shi--- stuff (although it WAS funny to hear the priest say, 'Give us this day our daily breath'... pffft). The next to crack is the pregnant woman and the only flinchworthy scene of the movie, albeit a very brief one. She has gone out into the dark and self-aborted her baby. They find her covered in blood but alive.

Having drugged her and the father-no-more-to-be, the rest of the Scooby gang decide to give the ole' spirit board one more try since it's done them sooo much good up 'til now. And the duh factor rises and I'm really REALLY tired of movies made in the dark. But their little game gets broken up by the priest who tries to play Jesus and condemns them for blaspheming and knocks their little table and board over - only to have something shake the whole building. Uh huh.

Now we get a convoluted story about an angel and the knowledge of the world in a nutshell, as the saying goes. In other words, the movie makers had no freaking idea how to end this movie and it's just going to get longer. The remaining three decide to check exactly what's underneath because, umm, because... I have no idea, 'cause they need to fill up 97 minutes and we've had enough of the building in the dark so now we're going underground in the dark?

So after basically going past all the 'do not pass' stuff and getting into all the 'do not get into' stuff they find Clive Barker's Hellraiser puzzle box. I'm serious. The damned thing (although a bit bigger) is a rip off of his puzzle box. WTH?  The skeptic fudges with it, it glows, he disappears. Good, we're down to two (not counting the injured-but-dammit-they're-still-alive people in beds upstairs. 

The two find themselves outside again somehow and when they get to the building they hear a thump - it's one of the men (don't ask me I can't tell anybody apart in this dumb thing) and he's now dead. Okay NOW there's three left. Oops, sorry, I forgot about the part-time 'possessed' one - he shows up and the chase begins. They find the no-longer-pregnant woman dead of blood loss. How many does that make left that are alive? I've lost count and I don't care.

The half-possessed dude kills the priest with a waaaay too loud crack of his neck. The girl kills the half-possessed dude with a pipe. We've got WWE action going on now folks, now if they'd just turned the damned lights on we could see this but to save money it's happening in the dark which means she's probably whacking a big bag of nuts for all we know.

NOW WE ARE DEFINITELY DOWN TO TWO... I SWEAR THE MOVIE'S ALMOST OVER. We've got the camera man (natch) and the woman, whoever she is. It's the next morning. The car now runs. The two get in and go into town. It's empty, messed up, and a quarantine notice is running on all stations. Why? THEY DON'T FREAKING TELL US. There's stuff in the road like a bathtub and other junk. So they abandon the car and walk down the road. The man abandons his camera but leaves it running so we have our found footage. We hear a squeal and sloooooowly a man with a machete starts to follow them. Aaaaaand scene.

The movie tells us that Claudia and Mark (who?) are still in the quarantine area. Alessandro is still missing (who?). The area undergoing the M Phenomena (the what?) reached an extension of 27 km (where?) and that's it. That's all you get. Geez, I'd have rather had one of them wake up and have the whole thing be a dream than this convoluted story of NOTHING that tells us NOTHING, explains NOTHING and ends with NOTHING. You're welcome.

Oh, just for a laugh here's the summary written by someone for whom English is either a second or third language: Six ex-classmates decide to spend some holidays together. To enjoy a short rest period and some amusement, they rent a manor house in the countryside, upon where to forget the raving madness of the city life. After they get to know the priest living in the adjoining church, the group moves into the house. Very soon, the convivial mood progressively deteriorates, while in the house strange phenomena start to happen, apparently paranormal. The journey turns into a nightmare when Giorgio, one of the mates, starts to have aberrant behaviors, until he shows evident signs of what properly seems a diabolic possession. 

While Alessandro, his best friend, tries to find a scientific and rational explanation to the happenings, the other friends trust in Father Elia, the priest. He feels Giorgio is surely possessed by the devil, and tries to exorcise him. But in the end, all the people will figure out that what is happening goes over their ability to understand, and moreover, their possibility to control.

That didn't make sense to me either, don't worry about it. But it did make me giggle. A little. Wasn't worth the 97 minutes of watching though.

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FOUR HORRIBLE MOVIES THAT FEATURE URBAN LEGENDS THAT WERE SO RADICALLY CHANGED THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST COME UP WITH ORIGINAL ONES

The Midnight Horror Collection

I've said it before, but if you want to peruse horror films on the cheap and you're running out of options on the internet streaming services, Amazon has collections of movies that don't cost very much. Now of course it being the holiday season, Amazon has already been 'spanked' (and well they should) because at this time of year they decided to change the amount you need to spend in order to get free shipping from $25 to $35. 

Ten dollars may not seem much of a difference, but if you're just looking for cheap movies it might change your mind on who to purchase movies from. If you can get the shipping cheap enough, you might check out eBay - I've gotten movies there for a buck and low shipping rates - depends on what you're looking for.

So this small collection was supposed to be about Urban Legends. If I wanted really REALLY stupid Urban Legends, I'd read my Facebook page. By the way (Shameless plug ahead!) if you use Facebook at all, please check out my horror page at  https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies  and give it a 'like' pretty pretty please? You'll find updates whenever I put up new movies, movie trivia, quizzes, and assorted horror goodies. Okay, back to business.

I hate YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU!

The Ridge (2006): Our first horrible offering is supposed to be about an UL about 'The Ridge Runner'. Sorry, but every time they said it in the movie I yelled 'Beep beep!' - which is why my husband doesn't like to watch movies with me. The five people in their 20's were so unlikable, that I not only wished them dead fast, but hoped they were in a lot of pain when they died. They yelled and bitched at each other so horribly you can't help but think, 'Why are you even here? Did you CHOOSE to spend a weekend with people you obviously hate?'

If this were even close, this is where the story would end.

So one tells the others the UL story of 'The Ridge Runner' who supposedly killed a bunch of people years ago. The real story is very, very long but I'll condense it for you: In North Central Idaho is the Clearwater National Forest. The Ridgerunner's true name was William Clyde Morland or Moreland who was born October 1, 1900. When he was 21 he spent time in jail for burglary and larceny in different states, different names. He used about four different names by this time. He was a wanderer and homeless. He wound up in Idaho and people reported thefts, vandalism - he apparently just took whatever he wanted. He was becoming a 'mountain man' in that it took very little provisions in the wilderness for him to survive. His MO when he robbed places was the same - he usually trashed the place.

But he gained sympathy from those living in the vicinity - he was just a little guy trying to survive with nothing. They didn't like that he was filthy and always trashed places he stole from, but was he a threat? Nah. During the winter of 1957 Moreland stole more stuff but hurt/killed no one. He was examined by several doctors who reported that Moreland was suffering from malnutrition and was insane and dangerous. He was committed to the mental hospital. He escaped in 1959 but was quickly re-captured. The last anyone saw him was 1961. Wow. Scary (insert heavy sarcasm here).

So the only part the movie got right was that he trashes houses he robs. That's what they find when they arrive. After that, pure pffffft. They die one by one by a big, voiceless guy in black sweats and a hoody who dispatches them verrrrrrry slowly in the dark. The only half-way interesting factoid was the 'Ridge Runner' was played by a film editor. This was his only acting credit and he probably wants to keep it that way. Oh, and for some reason the blonde guy not only survives but kills TRR and then cries. HE CRIES. Wussy.

Sasquoit's (and Mr. Loomis') pride and joy... 

Mr. Halloween (2007): I had absolutely no expectations for this movie - hey, any film slapped together for $6,000 is gonna be... um... not... good. This is supposed to be a small town with one blinking traffic light. The UL here is 'Hit the red, he will come and you'll be dead.' Was this a real UL? Not really. This was a town project done out of love. See, this very budget conscious film actually featured a real man, Bill Loomis, who in Saquoit DOES have a horror house on Halloween. No, he is not an re-animated corpse. No he does not use the real body parts of kids and teenagers as his 'props'. He is a man nice enough to lend his house (and himself) for this movie to make sort of an UL.

This is part of an actual news story on it: A Sauquoit house has been spooking visitors on Halloween night for 27 years - daring visitors to enter at their own risk and experience zombies, witches, skeletons and more. The tradition began many years ago when Bill Loomis was simply decorating his front porch. Over time, that decorating expanded and began to turn his own house into a haunted house.

Now, he has cleaned out his barn to host a complete haunted house - admission is free. Loomis' love of Halloween and his haunted house brought him and friends to turn it into a movie called Mr. Halloween. "It started out, we made a small movie for my Halloween party, and then the next year make a sequel, and then decided to make a full-length movie," Loomis said.

To read the whole article:

http://www.wktv.com/community/halloween/news/Haunted-house-in-Sauquoit-spooking-visitors-for-more-than-27-years-132823413.html

Mr. Loomis preparing some 'live' entertainment (in the movie)...

The fact that not only was this a first-time project, but that the town got together for it brought this way up on the opinion scale. This movie is as good - or as bad - as many others I've seen with a lot more money and a lot less heart. In the movie any kid (it's gotta be a kid or teenager) who breaks the only traffic light in town will die... but apparently only on Halloween. At the same time, rumors abound that Mr. Loomis (he's playing himself, natch) uses real body parts for his props. So a group of kids set out to do the usual Scooby gang stunt of finding out because... umm... what else is there to do in a small town?

Mr. Loomis receives his 'don't be dead' treatment...

Loomis is a reanimated corpse who, when not arranging his little 'house' sits in a chair with strange tubes running in and out of him and generators chugging away, being cared for by the Sheriff. Oookay. Of course, the horror house IS real and the kids get killed one by one for finding out and being kids. And yes, the Sheriff is in on it, taking care of Loomis' reanimated body.

Low, low budget means any special effects (read blood and guts) are gonna be meh, but for the money they did pretty good. Soundtrack sucked, story was pretty stupid - they stretched it out where one boy was imprisoned a WHOLE YEAR just to die when trying to escape the next year with a new prisoner.

And Loomis is a corpse with clear... stuff in him, but when finally splatted by another Scooby gang, he bleeds all over the place. Whoops. Excellent effort for amateurs, way way WAY too long at 112 minutes.


Bloody Mary (2006): Now THIS one I knew but what this movie does to it makes it just about unrecognizable. Besides being just a bad movie, it takes the icky sticky tale of Bloody Mary (which I was going to shorten to BM for this review but I kept snickering) and twists it into some sort of paranormal/psycho thing that doesn't make any sense and doesn't explain itself.

It also features a small role by Cory Monteith who plays a backstabbing boyfriend who likes to paint in the nude. I had a hundred jokes about this but given his untimely death I'll pass. Watching him die onscreen was also pretty unsettling.

So we know what Bloody Mary is. It has its own wiki page for crying out loud. Again, for the long explanation on where it probably started from, the link is: 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloody_Mary_(folklore)



The wiki version of this movie is: The film begins with a group of nurses at a psychiatric hospital daring a fellow nurse, Nicole, to go into the hospital's basement for a game of Bloody Mary. Playing what the others call "The Mirror Game", she releases the vengeful spirit and is snatched away. When Nicole is reported missing, her writer/reporter sister Natalie decides to investigate on her own.

As the film progresses, more people are killed by the spirit of Bloody Mary (Richard Valentine) in gruesome ways while Natalie uncovers clues about the truth behind her sister's disappearance and Mary herself. Near the end, almost all of the main characters are dead except for Natalie, who discovers that Bloody Mary is actually her mother.

Okay stop stop STOP! While I appreciate that they tried to be brief with a bad movie (and snicker that Bloody Mary was a guy) this is really - not it. Mix in with the above some weird stuff about Mary being some kind of spirit you must 'believe in' to, I dunno, not get killed (though many do anyway). Oh and you have to be totally naked in front of the mirror 'cause... umm... 'cause then guys have a reason to watch it.

Also, those that 'serve' her get this disgusting looking skin condition that's never explained and nowhere did I see (and I did pay attention people) that Mary was supposed to be Natalie's mom. That makes absolutely no sense. That would mean Mary was Nicole's mom and so she killed her own daughter but spared the other one? Pffft.

Also the cop helping her is attacked by a doc in gloves and so shoots him. Umm, gun vs. gloves? Is that even... you know what, never mind. There are a hundred Bloody Mary movies or shows out there (even if they call her something else) so... yeah.


Wages Of Sin (2006): We get it, WE GET IT. If you're religious in a horror movie you are also a lunatic, a liar, a murderer, a psychopath and the main plot. Duh. And since the movie has no original thought in it, why should they name it something interesting? Just getting the IMDb (I always check my facts, 'kay?) I found five movies with that name in the first five seconds. Duh again.

This movie had horrible cinematography and the soundtrack wasn't much better. The way they held the camera on things they wanted to make sure we noticed was like getting swatted on the nose with a newspaper. Duh to the third power.

The story isn't any better: Sue, an adopted child, learns that her biological family is all dead and that she has inherited a house. Now it's at this point you need to say 'Sell that sucker - why do you have to go there?' To make a movie. A baaaad movie.

After a store scene where the camera practically knocked a guy in the face so you'd notice that he was walleyed (nice, make fun of a guy's appearance), Sue, her boyfriend and two other victims get to the house which is... not worth the trip. But she wants to 'learn about her past'. Why? There's a reason she was taken and adopted out, leave it alone why don't you.

Nope. The movie slows almost to a stop as we get into soap opera territory. Not kidding. If you've ever watched soap operas (I must admit for a time years ago I was so hooked that when we moved I jumped up and down until the TV was working so I wouldn't miss a day.) you know how the camera work goes: The guy talks, the camera is almost up his nose. The girl talks, cut away to another camera that also is almost up her nose. And on it goes.

Despite the roaring fire and the heat in the house, their breath is clearly visible through most of the movie. So they suffered from cold while making this? Serves 'em right.

The fun (I'm being sarcastic) really steps up a notch when the Ouija board comes out. That's always good for a laugh and a cheap plot device to show how her friends become 'possessed' by... I don't know. The psycho preacher?

The punchline is her father was a psycho preacher (this is not really an UL, there are a billion stories like this), she was a twin, and her mother had the two of them out of wedlock (Gasp!). So apparently along with being a psycho his dingly-dangly didn't work so good? They don't explain this and you don't really care.

The mother and her twin are murdered for their 'sin' and somehow Sue got out, not remembering anything and being adopted out. Uh huh.

Oh and movie-making guys? If you make a horror film and show an abandoned house that somehow still has a working freezer full to the top with meat, we're gonna guess in the first five seconds that it's human. Having the college kids eat it though was fun, thank you.

Oh and the lack of continuity was fun too, thanks. The remaining living kids peel off in their car in pitch dark, only to wind up at the house - in daylight. Frustrated they take off again - in pitch dark and wind up at the house... say it with me... SAY IT... in daylight.

At the end she is the only one out and somehow ends up at a hospital nine months preggers and her doc is... now I really don't have to tell you, do I?

If this WAS an urban legend of some kind and I'm missing the point somehow, let me know - I'll gladly print it. But for now, to me it was just a blanket treatment of every other psycho preacher story that's repeated a thousand times in other horror movies and books.

And fortunately that's all folks and more of my horror worksheets (patent pending) are now in the recycle bin, kind of like this DVD should be...

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