YET ANOTHER FREAKING NIGHTMARE HORROR MOVIE STARRING A CHILD THAT NO CHILD SHOULD EVER BE ALLOWED TO SEE...





The Babadook (2014) Australia

After already getting complaints about my ripping on the popular movie Oculus, I decided I might as well go after another movie that I've heard so much about this year, I was incredibly sick and tired of it and I hadn't even seen it yet.

The Babadook is a variation of the boogeyman - at least in this movie. I think everyone's aware of that. However if you want to see an above average, sometimes puzzling, actually pretty neat little piece of cinema (without your children please, unless you like them jumping into bed with you screaming they've had nightmares), I suggest you stop reading right now. If you must continue:


SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

The setup: Amelia is tired. Very, very tired. When she was being driven by her husband to the hospital to have her baby, they were in an accident and he was killed. She was fine and the baby was born...

Almost seven years later, Amelia is very VERY tired. Her child, Samuel (Noah Wiseman), is - hmm, let's put this in nice terms. He is a high maintenance child. He makes weapons like a small Daryl Dixon and insists on carrying them constantly. He gets kicked out of the first grade for sneaking one of his weapons (a small homemade crossbow that shoots darts) with him to school. He wants to be a magician and insists his mother helps him with costumes and magic tricks.


And he's scared of monsters. Every night not only does he demand a story, but a thorough search of his room for monsters. Night after night after night...

Amelia is VERY tired. Played by the beautiful Essie Davis, she is all but unrecognizable in this movie as the toll of trying to raise her son alone (she still wears her wedding ring and doesn't date) along with a full time job at a care center is making her older by the hour. Did I mention he was high maintenance? Oh and she has a toothache. That comes into play later...

He's also very, very annoying. He screams more than he talks and if I were his mother... let's just say that Noah Wiseman should get an Oscar for his performance in this film. If his character had been my kid, when he pitched a fit in the car screaming and kicking the seat, I probably would have stopped the car, kicked him to the curb and drove off...


Just kidding of course. Maybe. Which is why I have no children. One night, Sam insists on picking the book for his mom to read before bed. It is a pop-up book called Mister Babadook. I must admit that when I first heard the name, I thought it sounded like a toddler trying to tell you they've filled their diaper. The story goes as follows (if you think this is really cool you can buy the book but don't expect your kid to sleep without the lights on until he/she leaves for college):

If it's in a word or if it's in a look
You can't get rid of the Babadook.
If you're really a clever one
And you know what it is to see
Then you can make friends with a special one,
A friend of you and me.
His name is Mr. Babadook
And this is his book.
(RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE)
A rumbling sound then 3 sharp knocks
ba BA-ba DOOK! DOOK! DOOK!
That's when you'll know that he's around
You'll see him if you look.
This is what he wears on top.
He's funny, don't you think?
See him in your room at night
And you won't sleep a wink.
(LET ME IN!)
I'll soon take off my funny disguise
(take heed of what you've read...)
And once you've seen what's underneath...
YOU'RE GOING TO WISH YOU WERE DEAD.


After reading it to him, Sam completely freaks (just repeat duh a couple dozen times) and insists on sleeping with her. In his sleep he kicks her, pulls her hair and generally makes her miserable. Amelia is very VERY tired.

I peed myself more than usual trying to read this through without laughing so hard. I want to know who wrote this little ditty so I can shake his hand (I'll wash first)...


Samuel is such a brat he tries to scare everyone, telling them his dad died the day he was born, breaking the nose of a little girl when she won't believe there is a Babadook, and just being totally out of control. His mother can't even have a little, umm, personal time without him running in. Finally she's had enough after he trashes his room and takes the book and rips it up, throwing it out in the garbage.

Sooo of course the natural progression is that she starts to hear strange sounds at night. Great. She finds broken glass in her soup and is so defeated by it all that she simply tells Sam to go watch TV - even as he insists that The Babadook did it... And Sam isn't going to let up on her either:

"I HATE YOU! YOU WON'T LET ME HAVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY AND YOU WON'T LET ME HAVE A DAD!"  This was his punishment for screaming at everyone and talking nonstop about the Babadook - oh yeah, and breaking a little girl's nose in two places. 


FINALLY he gets so worked up he convulses, so the doctor gives her sleeping pills for the kid. To hell with the kid, what about her? I have to say I love the way they show her getting some sleep - the shot shows her floating in the air softly to her bed. Really wish I could do that. In the morning someone knocks on the door. Hard. The book is, of course, sitting on the doorstep.

It has been pieced together and more words have been added and looking closely I found a continuity error - it's small but it's so stupid that they couldn't take an extra second to... well, anyway:

Notice how the words are arranged...

I'll WAGER with YOU,
I'LL MAKE you a BET.
ThE MORE you DENY the
STRONGER I GET

The word 'the' has just been ripped and moved. L-A-Z-Y!

The second time the camera pans across the words, the last line now says 'the STRONGER I GET' - a word has been moved from the third line to the fourth. In fact, the paper obviously has been ripped to move the word down.

The next page is The Babadook over HER bed with the words LET ME IN! The next page shows a pop-up of her standing with him towering over her from behind.

You start to CHANGE when I get in.
the BABADOOK growing right UNDER YOUR SKIN
Oh COME! Come SEE what's UNDERNEATH!

The next pop-up is the same except now she's strangling the family dog. As she looks, the dog's head falls over. So of course the NEXT pop-up shows the same except now she's strangling her son (YESSSSS!!!!!). As she watches the paper twists back and forth. The final pop-up shows her with a knife, slitting her own throat and red blood flows.

This time, because she has learned ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, she puts the book on the barbie, covers it in gasoline and sets it on fire. Next come the phone calls, then the cockroaches...  Ho freaking hum. We're 41 minutes into the movie and all I've learned is that I'm rooting for a made-up boogeyman instead of worrying about this pitiful family.

Forty seven irritating minutes in, things finally get interesting. The kid is drugged to sleep, but mom isn't so she gets to see and hear a freak show that would frighten just about anybody. I was even creeped out. It's loud, it's an all-black figure, it crawls everywhere - even on the ceiling. Now HERE is the nightmare I was looking for. Watch only if you wanna:

Now it's mommy's turn to do all the screaming. She yells at the boy when all he wants is food. All she sees is TV programs with monsters in them - over and over. Her jaw is hurting even worse from the toothache, and while driving she thinks she sees something black and ends up in a minor accident.

I did find it interesting that when she turned stern (before she went total full-on psycho) the boy started behaving and stopped his yelling and temper tantrums. Hmmm... Of course once she totally flipped he tried to call for help and he had to hide with his homemade weapons while she went around locking everything so 'nothing could get in' although by now we know that she wants nothing to get out. She also makes him take his sleeping pills although they make him sick.

Totally at the head-twisting (the dog, or at least a stuffed one anyway) stage, she then pulls out one of her teeth - apparently the one that's been bugging her since the movie started. She's now a full-on evil spirit - she floats, screeches, and kind of sounds like Jessica Lange (sorry Jessica) - and now Sam's the hero and she's the enemy.


For a bit it turns into a nasty game of 'Home Alone' as the kid uses his homemade weapons, the kitchen knife, and a rope he strung on the basement steps to pull tight when she comes after him to trip her. If the tension wasn't so high, this would be funny. He manages to knock her out.

She comes to in the basement, tied up. But he's a seven year old and so she gets her hands free and starts to strangle him. After he tells her he loves her (with his neck being squeezed?) she lets go.


She turns over and vomits a bunch of black stuff. The boy then helps the wounded, icky and tired mother up the stairs. But at the next staircase he tells her you can't get rid of the Babadook and something invisible pulls him up the stairs.


She runs to save her son and gets in a yelling match with The Babadook and it gets irritating really fast - then we see effects that seem really cool but we don't see anything of him, except that he screeches and runs into the basement. Sigh. And the movie is not over yet.

It's the day of the boy's birthday party and they're apparently keeping and feeding the blasted thing in the basement worms. They're actually being nice to it and it seems to be at home in the dark of their house. Aaaaand that's the end. Sam and his mother celebrate his birthday by themselves, and they hug and are... happy? Really?

Actually although at first I felt kind of let down by this meh ending, I was at least not disappointed completely with it - it wasn't good, bad, or predictable... just really, really weird. And I think it fits.

Update: 4/18/15 - I watched this movie again on Netflix and think I have a theory of the weird ending that seemed off the first time. Of course because of all the screaming I watched a lot of it with the sound down or off (bless the CC) but I think why she allowed it to stay in their basement is first, she was briefly possessed by it and maybe understands what it needs - and it understands that to have a 'home' it has to behave. Also, now that Sam has seen a real monster that is not going to 'get' him (rats) he has calmed down and maybe a real life can begin for the both of them. Just a theory.



                        

THE BAD BAD RUBBER PIGGY MOVIE (AKA NAZIS) CRAPTACULAR WILL NOW BEGIN... AFTER WE WATCH THIS REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIE ABOUT A SNAKE... AND IT WASN'T EVEN MADE BY SY FY OR THE ASYLUM!!!

Anaconda (1997)

Wado (Cherokee for Thank You) to all you beautiful readers out there! I noticed that my count is now up to and past 117,500, which I thank you all for profusely, considering that I have been less than faithful with getting my promised movie reviews up and running. Thank you all for your patience, your loyalty, and most of all, your sense of humor.


Speaking of sense a humor, I have no less than three bad, bad rubber piggy movies (otherwise known as Nazi movies), and yes, they will be put on my blog as long as there is breath in my body, even if there is no strength in my arms.

Actual picture on RiffTrax Facebook...

Yup, I'm using the dictation program again, and I'll spare you the reasons why. Today's movie is a Columbia Pictures blockbuster from 1997 called Anaconda. I chose it for two reasons: 1. It sounded like it could be as funny as Sharknado; 2. I saw an article that said RiffTrax, the offshoot of MST3K, were going to do this movie live because of overwhelming requests. That got me curious. What was so good about a movie with a huge snake that would catch the funny bone of anybody?


Oh yeah, and please go to RiffTrax Facebook page and find out if you're in the right area to see 'em live. If you can't - read on...

Oh brother. They start the movie by telling you that Anacondas are such bad mofo's that they will actually catch prey, swallow it, then, uh, vomit it out so they can catch and kill again... which got the hubby a bit confused. How do you kill your prey again? Is it zombie prey? I gently tried to walk him through it but the puzzlement wasn't leaving his face so...


First off, the movie stars the ass of Jennifer Lopez. I'm not being crass, you look at where they point the camera. Some of the time it's at her very see-through tank top, others it's straight at her ass. I watched the first five minutes, saw some of the big star power and horrible effects in the movie, and decided I was going to need some help. Thus, with a lot of screaming and complaining, the hubby finally agreed to help me with this review.

And so we begin with the crew being DEEP in the Amazon jungle. We called bullshit on that one considering that a couple of times they show the Atlantic Ocean (which the river flows into). And this story of many, many errors is about to begin...



Whoops, almost didn't give Danny Trejo his 90 seconds. At the beginning Danny, with a lot fewer tattoos as this is 1997, is trying to radio for help from his dilapidated boat. He doesn't get any. What he does get is something unseen chasing him and his contract is now up so he shoots himself in the head. Bye bye Danny.

But Danny didn't have enough meat on him so the anaconda goes for a jaguar (or black panther, whatever) who the camera crew keeps still by feeding it (I imagine a leash is probably employed as well). And whoops there goes another rubber tree plant's worth of fake snake shown wrapping around what is plainly (and within animal safety regulatory guidelines) a stuffed panther. The 'snake' takes off with its prey... leaving nothing but the right EYYYYYYYEEEEE OF THE TIGER..... <sorry Survivor>. No, but seriously - this movie has something against right eyes - I'll explain later <sorry reader>.

But I digest. This movie is about a huge freaking snake that would never ever grow to this kind of size, although anacondas can grow to considerable sizes in the Amazon (but at least it's eligible for free shipping <rim shot>). This movie is also full of so many outright errors, stupidities, and apparent lack of research about life in the Amazon on the part of the writers that it began to transition from a scary movie about a big snake into my hubby and I breaking into giggles on a regular basis. We even got a little crazy, because, well, you're about to find out.

Now I understand that this movie has two sequels. You will not be seeing them on this blog. I've had enough of fake plastic - no, wait, that would be rubber, snakes to last a lifetime. This movie had some big (for that time anyway) names in it. We've got Ice Cube (not to be confused with Ice -T, leading to my hubby's new little joke: if Ice Cube and Ice-T had a child, it would be an ICE ICE BABY). My hubby thanks you for your pity laugh. 

We have of course the ass of Jennifer Lopez, Jon Voight, Kari Wuhrer (You'd probably recognize her if you saw Hellraiser: Deader - which means you don't know who the hell she is, right?), Eric Stoltz (who scored the easiest job in his life, considering that he spends most of the movie unconscious and in bed). 


There is Owen Wilson (who as you know is one of those character actors, I just hate with a passion for no reason whatsoever, so I really hoped he would die first), and Jonathan Hyde (also a great character actor who appeared in such films as the Titanic and Jumanji).

You'll also notice the name Frank Welker appear and probably scratch your head. Don't. That stirs up the fleas. Frank Welker, for those not in the know, is a voice actor. Why does Anaconda need a voice actor, you may ask? Okay, so you didn't ask yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, apparently the great people of Columbia Pictures thought the snake needed a voice. 

Snakes really have no voice. At least none that you can really understand unless you speak in Parseltongue. Among Welker's many credits is Futurama, where he played the voice of Nibbler. So every time we heard the snake make noise, we giggled that much more. Our characters? Oh I'm sorry. 

Lopez' ass plays the director Terri, Ice Cube is cameraman Danny (and since this movie is PG-13 is probably the most he's ever spoken without dropping F bombs), Kari is production manager Teri, and Doucheb... umm, I mean Owen is sound engineer Gary. Whoops, can't forget Mateo (Vincent Castellanos) who is, I guess, their captain.

On with the movie (finally). This is about a film crew whose main objective is to piss off all the natives in the Amazon basin. Now a very short geography lesson and I only include it because, although I made good grades at school, geography, history, and science in my brain are severely lacking. 

The Amazon flows out into the Atlantic. It mostly passes through the country of Brazil. To the south of Brazil lies Paraguay. For the most part in Brazil, they speak Portuguese. In Paraguay they speak Spanish (for those of you who saw that I had those languages backward at first, my apologies - told you I was a dumb dumb when it comes to that kind of stuff). So needless to say, those who traverse the Amazon usually know at least those two languages, if not more. Why do I mention Paraguay? Oh, you are going to regret that one.

The film crew is looking for the long-lost Shirishama tribe, a tribe that has bothered no one and has not been seen in many, many moons, so of course these Americans have to piss them off and invade their tribal lands. The so-called expert who knows how to find tribes is Stephen Cale (Eric Stoltz). The narrator, who for some reason has to be there with them instead of just reading a script in a studio is Warren (Jonathan Hyde). 

It begins to rain, hard. That is a movie signal by the way. In movies, when something bad is about to happen, it rains. Have you ever seen a movie funeral where it did not rain? Just an example. In the rain, they hear shouts for help. It turns out to be a man called Paul Serone (Jon Voight), who claims to have been a priest, but now poaches snakes for big money. Like idiots, and because this movie has to get started, they let him on their boat. At first he plays nice, even saving two of them from a wild boar. Too bad THERE ARE NO WILD BOARS IN THE AMAZON. Meh, maybe he found a boar WalMart. As for 'pigs' in the Amazon, the mammal is called a Tapir and they are herbivores.

Remember the short Brazil/Paraguay lesson? Well that was because of the Serone character (Jon Voight). The hubby finally nailed this supposedly Paraguayan character as he was portraying it: He was trying to sound like Marlin Brando attempting to impersonate Christopher Walken. And that is dead on, I swear. For a while. Voight apparently decided that being Paraguayan means never having to stick to a particular accent, so his Brando/Walken schtick alternated with a very drunk sounding Al Pacino as Scarface. Meh.

For whatever reason, a rope is hanging off the back of the boat. It has nothing attached to it, it's just there for the sole purpose of getting caught in the propeller. Eric Stoltz, in his only bit of activity in this movie, puts on scuba gear and attempts to clear the rope. Now Eric is a ginger and is pale with reddish blonde hair. The guy in the scuba suit looked like Carrot Top. Yikes, couldn't you get that to match a little better? Oh, and that is when we get several comments about the infamous pee pee fish. 

No, that's not what they're called. They are called Candiru. Now while you'll find so-called horror stories about men who have had Candiru swimming up their no-no spot, that's been debunked as an urban legend. I imagine there are a ton of bacteria and other nasties in the water, but you don't have to worry about watching your no-no area squirm by itself.

Oh no! Eric is in trouble! Someone has slipped a deadly black wasp in his breathing apparatus! A white wasp is being poisoned by a black wasp! (that joke is not racist, it's funny, relax). Okay, I have to call bullshit. We knew from the beginning that Jon Voight was going to be the bad guy, that's not the issue. The issue is, how did he get the wasp into the breathing apparatus and make it stay there when he didn't even know where they stowed the scuba gear? Huh? Huh? And what, does he just keep deadly wasps in his pocket for just such an occasion? Pffft.... that's when the hubby started going into 'turn it off' mode but I begged him to continue to see if we could salvage this review...

He agreed and I think we drank a little too much because all of a sudden things became very, very funny. No, wait - neither of us had anything to drink. Maybe there was a gas leak somewhere - which would make sense if any of our appliances used gas (they don't).


So since Stoltz has a better contract than Trejo, Serone treats his allergic reaction by cutting a hole in his neck, stuffs a tube in it, and Eric lives and gets to spend the rest of the movie in bed! Wow, what acting! Now they need to go where Serone tells them there's a hospital but of course he's lying because he wants the biiiiig snake for the biiiiiig money.

Serone leads them to restricted territory blocked off by totems and a wooden fence (and an earth dam that a kayak couldn't pass but we won't talk about that one). Using dynamite from his duffel bag (which also included guns, a crossbow, not to mention tons of tranquilizer vials and darts and ammo) he causes three explosions to rip the wall apart, sinking their lifeboat, raining baby snakes all over the boat (which were not baby anacondas, but boa constrictors).

A piece of wood knocks all their gasoline off the boat even though the rope never breaks. How does that happen you ask? Okay you didn't ask but you should have. The rope is actually wrapped around the last barrel so that on cue they can pull all the barrels off of the boat. Oh and all the fuel sinks even though in real life (pfffft) they'd float.


One major product placement I forgot to mention... Converse high top sneakers. That's what Ice Cube wore throughout the entire movie and he must have had 30 pairs or more - plus tons of expensive white socks 'cause he was in and out of the water constantly yet his footwear was always brand new and his socks whiter than white. Nice.

There were really bad continuity errors in this movie so we just started making marks on a piece of paper whenever we saw one and even those were too numerous to keep track of, such as when the stars were wet or dry. I never saw such quickly drying people in my life. One would be in the water, the other on the boat pulling him/her up and boom, both were suddenly dry. Then wet. Then dry. Then wet... you get the idea.

Despite my hopes that Doucheb...umm, I mean Owen would die first, the snake chose Mateo to wrap its fake self around. And I DO MEAN FAKE. The instant the 'victim' is touched by the snake, it becomes some weird rubbery looking dude (with his hair in a ponytail when the real dude had his hair loose) and... pffft.

So with Eric sleeping his life away and Mateo dead, Serone suddenly becomes in charge (He has to find that hospital, remember?) and Doucheb... dammit I've got to stop doing that. Owen's character Gary sides with Serone and up comes our favorite part of the whole damn movie:

Gary: "Do you know where you are? You're in the middle of the jungle!"

Instantly the hubby and I sing, "YOU'RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEE!!!" <Sorry GNR>

Now the movie was very specific about not mistreating animals, but the monkeys they show in the branches of the trees were kept up there with leashes (some can be seen on film). Doesn't sound nice to me... suddenly Serone went and... SHOT THE MONKEY! HEY HEY!

Serone shot a monkey (you may sing now too if you like) for bait but 'Nibbler' wasn't having any of it and spit it in the English guy's face (He... spit the monkey! Hey Hey!). <Sorry Peter>

Serone loaded up a tranquilizing gun but when he goes to shoot 'Nibbler' (our squeaking snake) he uses a crossbow????? He's got guns, a crossbow, drugs, bullets, crossbow bolts and lots of dynamite. In ONE duffle bag. Take THAT Daryl Dixon!

'Nibbler' is shot in the mouth with the crossbow and now is pissed. He crashes around the deck and knocks everybody down. Gary and his girlfriend Kari go in the water, both come out but he gets grabbed - Lopez tries to shoot the snake but Serone stops her as the snake is worth nothing dead and Owen is worth nothing alive so it's bye bye douchebag.

Lopez' ass tries to seduce Serone who is now in full Scarface Al Pacino mode - He says it's been a long time since he's had a woman. Yeah, we know, he used to be a priest and they like... never mind. But we did notice that the closeup of the big snake mouth looked really similar to a woman's va-jay-jay so you know he's probably had opportunity to improvise. It takes three people, but they manage to knock Serone out and tie him to one of the ship's poles.

Cale (Eric Stoltz) meanwhile is STILL in bed from an allergic reaction to the wasp a la Serone (that doesn't even begin to make sense) and the bandage from the hole in his throat constantly changes between bloody and clean. 

They get to a waterfall and find an old mill (?!?) near where the tribe they were looking for were supposed to be. But they hit bottom and are now stranded. All except Teri go in the water to try to find a way to loosen the boat. While they're out there, Teri decides it's a perfect time for payback against Serone. But in a blurry move (so we can't see he's not really doing anything) he grabs her with his legs, suffocating her and kicking her overboard.

Aaaaaand here comes the snake - Warren tells the other two to get back to the boat where they find Serone free so scuffle, scuffle, scuffle... the tree carrying the snake and Warren falls on the boat and all go in the water. This wakes Eric up and he's cranky (kidding).

Aaaaand I apparently don't know the
difference between a shotgun and a rifle,
so that's a double DUH on me, right?

All try to get back on the boat. Lopez is first and grabs the bolt action rifle and proceeds to treat it like a semi-automatic since she never cocks the thing - this same gun also has never been loaded but of course in movie duh style never runs out of ammo either. Serone (who is now free) is pissed that she would ruin his moneymaker just for some guy. Oh and the right eye of the snake is gone. What the hell is it with right eyes in this movie?

They all scuffle some more until Eric gets out of bed and stabs Serone in the back with a tranquilizer dart. Serone grabs Eric's neck at the bottom of his bandage and blood starts to run. Ummm, no, no it wouldn't. Doesn't matter though 'cause quick cutaway and back and Serone's hand is at the TOP of the bandage and blood still runs. Sigh. Serone is knocked into the water. The boat has been freed and they can back out in this beautiful scene. Now my young ones, tell me what is wrong with this little video? Hmmm? 

Oh the pitfalls of trying to save money by reusing footage! So we've got (as I'm sure you saw) a backward waterfall. Moving on...


They see a dilapidated building and think they're gonna find fuel. They're also dry again. How many pairs of Converse sneakers did Ice go through to make this movie? Also, I like his dainty little ankle socks - they stayed sooo white no matter how many times he went in the nasty, nasty wawa....  They gingerly go across a wooden dock and see weapons. She picks up a rifle BY THE TRIGGER (gee, hope it's not loaded) and drops it. Nice.

When they go inside, somehow Lopez' hair is soaking again and her tank top dry - and tight enough to see some backfat (hey, you look for yourself - I'm not kidding)...


When they think they find fuel, boom out comes Serone who's nice and alive as well as not drugged and attacks them. Lopez and Ice are tied together. Serone covers them with monkey blood a la Carrie for a big snack for an even bigger snake. Trouble is, well geez, if you've got a sharp eye (hell even if you're blind you can see it), the two already HAVE blood on them BEFORE the blood hits. 


This blood also disappears and reappears for the rest of the movie - on Lopez. Apparently monkey blood was not cool with the Ice 'cause you don't see it on him for the rest of the movie. So. Bigger snake comes in, Serone misses with tranquilizer. The two tied up get away, Serone is wrapped up, and we get bird's eye view of snake belly cam which, I must say again, represents a huuuuuge va jay jay.

SNAKE ANAL CAM!!!

All of this is done with the worst stop motion, green screen, CGI, I don't know what the hell they used, it all was just horrible and not realistic looking in the least, even if there ever WAS a va-jay-jay that big.

Even though the snake has over 200 pounds of a bad actor in it, it wants that sweet, sweet Latino ass. So it goes after Lopez. Ice tries to lure it away but she keeps shaking it and it wants her.

Oy I'm farklempt. I need a moment - talk amongst yourselves. The Holy Roman Empire was neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire - discuss... (sorry Mike Myers)

Okay, I'm better now. Lopez hides - but her hiding place is the playpen of the: Baby Snakes; Late at night is when they come out; Baby Snakes; Sure you know what I'm talkin' about; Pink 'n' wet; They make the best kinda pet. <sorry Zappa>

Okay, the hubby and I needed a break for more than a minute this time. See, when the BIIIIIG snake comes through the wall to get Lopez it makes room by... umm by... uh... oh hell, YOU watch this part...

What the hell is up with this movie and right eyes? And why is he drippings with goo? <sorry Ghostbusters 2>

Also his face is melting like the Nazis at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Ark (see, I knew I'd get a Nazi reference in there somewhere). I need to stop and grab a tube because now the hubby can't breathe and I have to cut a hole in his neck before he passes out, hold on a second... and I guarantee he won't bleed near as badly as Stoltz seems to...

Okay, after five minutes or so, the hubby recovered enough oxygen to swear he could get through the rest of the movie - so I started it. One-eyed goopy Serone was still on the screen but our composure was back - until the corpse winked with the one eye he had left (Get it? Left?). So this big snake definitely has a thing for right eyes. Remember folks - if you visit the Amazon, wear a patch over your right eye and you should be fine...

Hmm? The snake? Oh they blew it up with gasoline they found in the building, using a fire hose as a wick because everybody knows that fire hoses are the most flammable material in the world, right? Right?

Epilogue: Lopez and Ice survive and so does Stoltz (who now has an occlusive bandage on like he should have had in the first place) and not a spot of blood on him anywhere. His shirt, unbuttoned, also has on the right a small square pocket with the obvious ring of a condom in it. That's classy.

Suddenly we see the BIIIIG payoff - the elusive Shirishama tribe they've been trying to find casually paddle their way towards the smashed up boat. How sweet. How insensitive. How convenient. Saaaaaay, didn't they describe how to find the tribe in the middle of the movie? Yes. Yes they did. It involved climbing the waterfall, going along until they found a huge wall, walk to the end and maybe there might be Shirishama people there. Huh. Oh well, you want the movie to end, don't you? So shut up.

But the Shirishama people are cannibals, so guess what's for dinner?

Nah, just kidding, but that would have been cool, huh?



                        

A STITCH IN TIME SAVES YOU... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BUT IT WILL COST YOU ABOUT 86 MINUTES...

Stitches (2012) UK/Ireland

Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you.

You all know what I hate worse than seeing a bad horror movie once, right? Seeing it twice, of course. BUT This movie had been described as a good horror/comedy movie, with each slaughter being inventive although I didn't see anything special. Okay guys, I'll take another look but I warn you, I'm still reeling from Hitler in a jar-o so I'm gonna be a bit picky. Get ready... But first, let's check the IMDb on Google shall we?

Huh. That movie sounds AWFULLY familiar... I'm thinking massively popular, there were three of them, its' star is still a total hottie... oh well. 

I wonder who the incredible idiot was who first thought that putting a man in horrid clothes with a ton of makeup on his face would be entertaining for little kids. Sit down Braveheart, I'm not talking about you. Although a painted Mel Gibson IS pretty freaking scary. Actually ANY sight of Mel Gibson is freaking scary. No, I'm talking about the ones with the real big red noses, the ones who get right in little kids' faces and FORCE them to laugh... or wet their pants, either one.



So. Richard Grimble (Ross Noble, a stand-up comedian in his first acting role - which he does surprisingly well) is a clown who goes by Stitches. He has an egg with his likeness because all clowns MUST have an egg in a jar-o (Oh God, flashbacks!) to keep in some mausoleum in one of those monk-chanting type ceremonies that this little boy can conveniently see from a telescope in his treehouse (apparently this town is so freaking small he can see EVERYTHING from it).


Here's your Hey-I-didn't-ask-why-are-you-telling-me lesson for today: The practice of painting each clown's face on an egg is REAL. I shite you not. This is thanks to a website The Straight Dope at  http://www.straightdope.com/ :

The tradition began in the U.K. around 1946 at what was then the International Circus Clowns Club but is now called Clowns International. A member named Stan Bult started recording clown images on chicken eggs with the insides blown out. Clown Bluey became chairman of Clowns International in 1984. This time a professional artist was used and the faces were painted on china-pot eggs instead of chicken eggs. Over the years, many of the lost older eggs have been reproduced, and new eggs are added frequently.

In the U.S. collection, the faces are eggs-pertly hand-painted on goose eggs (more durable than chicken eggs), and decorated with various materials (such as clay, wire, felt, tiny flowers, glitter, etc.) to obtain as accurate a representation of the clown face and costume as possible. The collection is meant to preserve the uniqueness of each clown's face makeup. Quoting from the Department of Clown Registry information sheet: "It is an unwritten law among clowns that one must never copy the face of another." 

Stitches isn't a great clown. He isn't even a really good one - he's shite (look it up). He shows up late for Tom's (the boy with the telescope) birthday party and tries his tricks but kids are really jaded and they mock him and mess with him instead. And since we know this is about a zombie clown who gets revenge on the ones who killed him, he gets his eye non-comically (which is hard for a clown) impaled on a large knife sticking up in an open dishwasher (because everybody leaves them open with sharp implements sticking up around small children).

Stitches dies after spurting a couple of gallons of fake blood all over the damn place. I am not exaggerating. Through the WHOLE MOVIE it tries to tell you that most of the body's blood supply is in the head. Duh. Nice effect of a knife through a split eye though. After a clown funeral (which Tom watches with that magic telescope - MAN that town is SMALL!) everyone pretty much forgets Stitches, who lies, nicely preserved in his grave. 'Cause his egg is still intact. Does that even make a lick of sense? No? Well, I must have the right movie then.

Because the movie says so, time fast forwards to Tom turning 17. He wants just a small party with his best buds - you know, the fellow clown-killers? But they have other ideas - and a huge party containing more people than are probably in the whole bloody town are going to show up - including a girl Tom liked as a kid when he watched her... say it with me... SAAAAAAY IT.... THROUGH HIS TELESCOPE.



Now I'm going to stop for just a moment... HEY GET BACK HERE YOU COWARD!!!!  A moment with something I noticed and thought it was a nice nod to Wes Craven. Either that or they couldn't think of something original so hey, copy copy copy away, right? Since Tom was traumatized by the clown incident, he is now on medication. That medicine is called Hypnocil. That sounded verrrry familiar so I looked it up and yup, it is what the kids in Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors AND Freddy vs. Jason were dosed with so that they wouldn't dream. Cute. Fake, but cute.

Bobo... umm, I mean Baggy Britches... dammit I mean Bozo... <grits teeth> I. Mean. Stitches. Stitches the clown comes back to life because, uh, because the movie says so. That's their story and they're sticking to it. With one eye stitched up (GET IT????) he decides to join the party. He still has his red clown nose which is good 'cause he now only has a hole where his nose used to be... sometimes. Most of the time it is VERY obvious that his nose is intact. Duh.

Totally random, just thought this was a cool shot...

Now I was going to make my usual sarcastic remarks and ream this film out for its stupidity but soooo many horror sources say these killings were soooo inventive that instead I'll go through the characters then and now because each killing is supposed to be inventive and ironic. Names are not necessary 'cause who cares, right? We just want blood and gore. This movie tries to rival Dead Alive (Braindead) in amount of blood and guts, but also in trying to make the gore funny.

Kill #1: Male bully - at the party he made fun at the clown when he tried to perform a trick. First he gets his ear ripped off. When he swings (with his right arm), he misses and turns around for another swipe (with his left arm, duh). Stitches pulls the arm out of the socket and... very bloody, very gory - or is it? 

Stop the frame when the socket is shown. The top is clearly a half circle of plastic that is either stapled or stitched (no pun intended) to the shirt and there is definitely some sort of pin holding the gore to the plastic (that's the wrong kind of gore for a shoulder socket anyway) so a B- effect goes down to a C-. 

Good effort, sloppy effects. Stitches messes with him some more before kicking off his head. The head flies off and lands in a pond, eyes wide open. 'Kay. But when the head resurfaces, the eyes are shut. Sigh.



Kill #2: Homosexual friend - at the party he flung a scoop of ice cream at Stitches. He loves to eat. He shuts himself in the pantry and eats can after can of strawberries in light syrup. Urp. Stitches opens up his skull with the can opener and scoops perfect little balls of brains into a bowl. Too bad they show one of the balls bounce when it hits the bowl. Rubber brains? Sure, why not. Oh and as the kid dies, for whatever reason these 21st century kids suddenly listen to and sing along to Cutting Crew's I Just Died In Your Arms. That was popular in the 80's guys. Sheesh.



Kill #3: Female bully - she flipped him off at the party. She's the only one who puts up a fight and impales his neck with a shoe heel. He pulls it out and she attempts to get away. He throws his umbrella and it impales itself through her skull, pinning her eye on the end and shoving it into the camera. If this had been 3D this would have been a perfect shot for it.



But. The eye is perfect and blue. No ganglia, no gore. The pupil constricts. Uh, no. Fail on that one. But wait - now she falls backwards, shoving the rest of the umbrella through her eye socket and tons more blood shoots out. Huh, no eyelashes. Weird. Also when the camera pans out, no blood except for a bit on her face. Huh. The perfect eye pops off the end of the umbrella and she swallows it. The dead can swallow? Huh. That part was the hubby's favorite movie trick of the week. The umbrella opens and she is saturated with black... guck. Black? Really? Did they run out of red already? Huh.

Should we even talk about the fact that the model they used when shoving the umbrella through had no eyelashes, or that the 'patch' job they did to make it look real was so bad that it looked like a teenager had fun with Photoshop? No? Enough? Okay, let's go on...

Kill #4: At the party this boy wanted a dinosaur shaped balloon animal. When Stitches made a dog, he popped it. Stitches now slashes the boy's stomach open, does a little taffy pull (lots of blood and gore) and slices himself a section of intestine (now clean and pink). He makes a balloon animal out of it. The boy, guts hanging at his feet, tries to run away.



Stitches isn't done with him yet. He takes his balloon pump, shoves it into the boy's skull and pumps. The boy protests and yells as his head looks like... you guys are probably too young to remember Big Trouble In Little China, huh? 'Cause boom goes the dynamite and his head blows - twice. Guess they wanted to get their money's worth. Sparks are visible from the charges they set to get such a big spray - all blood, no skull, brain or other icky stuff.

With three survivors, Tom realizes that the only way to splat this clown good once and for all is to smash Stitches' egg. 'Kay. They make their way through the cemetery and Tom goes into the mausoleum and finds... hundreds of glass cases with eggs in them. This was actually a pretty elaborate set, and since the egg was on the top shelf and Tom knocks the whole thing over but nothing breaks, each case must have been plexiglass or something.

But inevitably, the egg is smashed and so then is Stitches in a scene that somehow was grosser than all the blood, gore, and body parts in the rest of the movie. Finally his yolky body is spread all over and we fade out to...

Tom is moving - down the street. Wow. His now-girlfriend Kate gives him a bigger telescope so he won't miss her bedroom which we assume not only can see the entire town, but can also see around corners, buildings, and whatever else is in the way of her bedroom window.

Meanwhile the high poobah of clowns is busy with brush and glue carefully putting Stitches' egg back together. Well, they couldn't afford all the King's horses and all the King's men... ahem. Sorry about that. We're done here.

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