ONE LAST MOVIE I SAID I WAS NEVER GONNA WATCH BUT HERE WE ARE AND DAMMIT I'M GOING TO BITE THE BULLET AND REVIEW THIS SUCKA



Fright Night (2011)

In 1985, year of such wonderful movies (according to me in alphabetical order) as Back To The Future, Better Off Dead, The Breakfast Club, Clue, Day Of The Dead (well, meh), Enemy Mine, The Goonies, Just One Of The Guys (I love Clayton Rohner), Kiss Of The Spider Woman (I'm throwing that in there to sound sophisticated - I really didn't watch it), Ladyhawke (I love Rutger Hauer), Re-Animator (I love Jeffrey Combs), Real Genius (With the REAL Val Kilmer), Silver Bullet, Silverado (I love Jeff Fahey), St. Elmo's Fire (I love... none of these guys), Weird Science (I liked Oingo Boingo, you'd know him better as Danny Elfman), Witness, Young Sherlock Holmes...

What was my point? Oh yeah, in this year of a freaking TON of movies that I've only listed a few of, there was one that was a fave even though I didn't crush on any of the actors in it. Fright Night. Starring Chris Sarandon and Roddy McDowall as well as a few others I'd never seen before, it was freaking sweet. It was silly, it was scary (in a not-give-you-nightmares kind of way), it was slick - I've seen it so often it's one of the movies I repeat the words to (which drives my hubby crazy) when I watch it every couple of months or so. The phrase 'You're sooo cool Brewster' was almost an 80's version of a meme. It. Was. Cool.

So hearing in 2011 they were remaking it I was not pleased. Finding out it was going to star Colin Farrell made me ill. Hearing it was going to be a DISNEY project induced projectile vomiting.

Note: It's 5/9/14 and I've been revamping (sorry) my blog and just now noticed that the 'new' Charlie Brewster is the same guy (Anton Yelchin) who plays Odd Thomas (reviewed 3/24/14). Yikes. 

So with heavy heart I start watching. The first thing I see is they have made late night hack actor Peter Vincent (McDowall) into a character like Criss Angel. I stopped the movie, got out some whiskey and Tums (can't have one without the other unless I want to see the new year with a gut on fire and my head swollen to three times its size), took a deep breath and tried again.

Gaaaaak. Had to come up for air. Really? They're really doing this? Evil Ed (here played by the guy from Kick-Ass), one of the funniest characters from the first movie, the psycho weirdo who everybody thinks is a total spaz is now the BRAIN? He's the one figuring everything out? Ugh. And he said it. In practically a deadpan voice, 'You're so cool Brewster'. SACRILEGE!!!! If this gets any worse I'm gonna be typing in Captain Kirk mode and. every. word. will. have. a. period. Seriously. I was almost relieved when he bites it (sorry) twenty minutes in.

What do I have against Colin Farrell? Um, hard to explain - he's in a category of MEN I WOULD NEVER LET TOUCH ME THAT OTHER WOMEN SEEM TO FAINT OVER. There's lots of them and they all seem to be pretty popular: Ryan Reynolds, Owen Wilson, Chris Hemsworth (well okay he was pretty good in The Cabin In The Woods but given a choice between him and Loki...), Channing Tatum, Robert Pattinson, Henry Cavill, Christian Bale... hmm, maybe I should stop, I'm running low on Tums.

Huh? Oh yeah, the movie. Well it had some interesting bits - the scene where Charlie breaks into Jerry's house, rescues one of his victims, spends about an hour (not really but it felt like it) sneaking her out of the house (good tension and suspense, just went a little long) just to have her explode into CGI'd gore when they reached a sunny spot (Note to makers of CGI effects: It's NOT REALISTIC if the gore DOES NOT HIT THE GROUND OR THE PERSON STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE GORE, OK?) was not so bad. Charlie is left to slink home while Jerry, knowing full well he was there just grins and drinks his beer and eats his apples (That was a thing in the 1985 version too - what was it about the apples?).

So Charlie is a believer, his mother is not, his girlfriend isn't talking to him so his next step: Contact Criss Ang... umm I mean Peter Vincent (David Tennant, a face I was actually glad to see - he was one of my favorite Doctors on Doctor Who). He of course turns out to be a foul mouthed faker who kicks Charlie out without hesitation. Nice digs though.

Charlie begs his mom and girlfriend to believe him when Jerry shows up at the door asking to be let in. This changes the movie up a bit. We're 56 minutes in and Charlie's mother begins to see what her son was worried about when Jerry, told to go away, instead begins to dig up her back lawn. And their gas pipe. The special effects for this part were pretty good. Got to give them kudos for the best part: Jerry, riding Charlie's dirtbike, launches it into the air, crashing it into the back of their van and almost killing Amy. That was... not bad at all.

And then the nausea returned to me full force. Driving down the highway after first crushing Jerry into his own truck (didn't work of course) then slamming on the brakes 'cause he's clinging to the undercarriage of the van and punching his way through, they're rear ended by a car going at full speed. The driver stumbles out... and it's Chris Sarandon (the original Jerry Dandrige). I had to stop watching for a while. That was dirty pool.

Fortunately (for Chris) he's killed in about two minutes. Unfortunately Colin was not. Fighting with Charlie over a cross proves worthless but he doesn't appreciate mom slamming a Century 21 sign (nice product placement guys) through his chest. Does she hit his heart? Pffft...

As Charlie and his girl watch over his mom in the hospital, Peter Vincent in movie-style timing happens to pick up a picture Charlie had left there and low and behold, it means something to him. He calls Charlie (And he got Charlie's number how?) and they have the break-the-tension-by-using-backstory time while Peter tells them what he knows. Precious little. Mostly that Jerry is of a particularly nasty breed of vampires (There are breeds? New one on me.). And here comes Ed - now of the long-toothed breed. But still not funny.

He and Charlie fight, leaving Amy to deal with Jerry. I like that she had more on the ball than in the original - they had portrayed her as a whiny, neglected girlfriend and then victim but in the remake she stands on her own and fights. That was something anyway. She finds holy water (duh) and throws it in Jerry's face, then helps Charlie kill Ed (again). In the original Ed got to shapeshift into a wolf and go out with a bang - here he just falls to a heap of ash on the floor. Meh. And where's Criss... dammit I mean Peter Vincent through this whole thing (And wouldn't a Vegas showman pick a fancier name?)? Locked safely away in his 'panic room' watching the show. Bad bad boy Dr. Who - shame on you.

Since Jerry is so nasty, the holy water is just a temporary inconvenience and besides, we have 30 minutes of film to go. The two survivors run into a club and the unce unce unce music is horrid - how do kids dance to that for hours? They don't. Ever watch a club scene? They hop up and down - that's about it. Anywho, the two get separated in the crush of the crowd. Jerry catches Amy and bites her. Okay that's dumb. In public? Must be something about the 'nasty breed' Peter was talking about. Amy is his now.

Charlie goes back for Peter. Instead of refusing to help him 'cause he's only an actor (and a coward) as in the original, they make it more stupid - not only were Peter's parents killed by a vampire, they were killed by Jerry. Okay we've slid from almost good back to massive duh country. But also in movie duh style because his parents were killed he's been collecting religious artifacts all his life - one being a 'blessed stake'. Here come the Tums again, I better find that second bottle.

Charlie gets supplies from an army surplus store and here we go. Waiting for sunlight he storms the house. As in the original movie, Peter Vincent decides to help him at the last minute, 'Let's kill something.' Sure, just do it a little faster, please. Down in the basement Charlie is locked in a room with Amy as Jerry prepares to kill Peter. Ah geez - Colin Farrell says the other best line in almost a monotone, 'Welcome to Fright Night - for real.' Dammit Chris Sarandon had a whole lot more style than that sucka.

Okay the next part was - pretty cool. Jerry hits Peter in the head with a pebble, drawing a bead of blood. As soon as it hits the ground, here comes Jerry's, uh, pack I guess you'd call 'em. And the world of CGI pumps it up some more as Jerry's previous victims literally come out of the walls. They descend on Peter and start snacking while Charlie gets knocked around a while by his girlfriend then runs to take on Jerry. And here it gets stupid again. Was this the basement of the house or not? I mean they're in a sort of reinforced cave, they climbed down the stairs in his house to get there - yet when shots are fired at the ceiling there's the light of day coming through?

Sigh. Let's just finish this, okay? Peter had told Charlie that since Jerry's kind of vampire is a super duper hard to kill kind he would have to be stabbed in the heart while on fire. Uh huh. That was just a setup for the last bit of CGI nonsense. At the surplus store (because they have tons of them just lying around) Charlie had bought a fire suit and puts on cap and goggles while Peter lights him up. He then jumps on Jerry and we get several minutes of CGI'd flying around as Jerry tries to get away from the fire. Peter manages to shoot a hole directly above Jerry's head so he's getting it from two sources. With his chest on fire his heart is revealed and Charlie shoves the sacred stake through it.

We get another CGI'd scene of a vampire blowing up, blood going everywhere - except on Charlie, the floor, the other people in the room... sigh. With the permanent death of Jerry, all the victims who came out of the walls, Amy, and the much-bitten Peter who had started to turn himself all become human again. In the end, Peter Vincent lets them use his penthouse for Amy's deflowering. Aaaaaand scene.

Ick, okay I did it. It was stomach turning but I did it. What? There's gonna be a Fright Night 2 remake? Excuse me, I need to take a trip to the liquor store...

And that does it for me for the year - everyone keep safe and keep sane.

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies

YET ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND H.P. LOVECRAFT



The Resurrected aka Shatterbrain (1992) Direct To Video

Any attempt to make a movie based on H.P.'s work can go either horribly wrong and boring, or wonderful. Personally I haven't seen wonderful yet. However this movie did try and some things about it were pretty good, some pretty awful. This is a movie where the Netflix 'reviewers' (all anonymous) either gave it 5 stars and raved about it or gave it one star saying it was a total piece of garbage and all the 5 star reviewers were involved with making the movie. 

Uh, I don't think people who make movies bother with Netflix, do you? If so, that would be really, really sad. The more I watch these movies though... I personally liked the title Shatterbrain a whole lot better but it has nothing to do with the movie at all, so I understand why they changed it. It is a lot cooler though. And, sadly, Jeffrey Combs is not present.


This is NOT based on an H.P. story - I would say they took ideas from a story and tried to make a movie around that. The story was called The Case Of Charles Dexter Ward, a short novel published after Lovecraft's death. The basic story is that Charles Ward, young, rich but not particularly smart, learns that one of his ancestors was considered a wizard of sorts, into the black arts. This man, Joseph Curwen, performed experiments trying to find the secret of eternal life (a recurring type theme in H.P.'s work). Ward finds a portrait of Curwen who looks exactly like him (or vice versa, whatever) and decides to try to 'raise' him first. Duh move on his part 'cause blood is NOT thicker than water...

So the movie starts in a detective agency as John March dictates the strange case he has just been involved in and hopefully will soon forget. They format the movie like the typical gumshoe story - he's in his office when SHE walks in... the blonde who makes him nuts and do anything she wants. She tells her story - she's the wife of Charles Ward who, after finding out that his ancestor was not who he thought but a man named Curwen who was into black magic becomes obsessed and tries to recreate his experiments. The main aspect apparently is the stink. They make a big deal of the huge stink this whole experiment creates - whether that's supposed to represent the wrongness of what he's doing or it's just because... well, let's continue.

She's gorgeous, she's rich, and he wants the money. He uses his assistant Lonnie (known to most as Mike Damone from Fast Times At Ridgemont High - funny 'cause in a recent Family Guy Peter 'calls' Damone for a favor using a scene from that movie then breaks the fourth wall and says something to the effect of 'And he was never seen again.') to check the place out since March has moved out to his family's country, uh, dump to continue his experiments. 

Talking to Ward (Chris Sarandon) himself, March notices some strange things - his skin is discolored, he's much thinner, his perfect teeth are now dark and almost looked like they've been filed down to points, and he talks as if he was born several hundred years ago. Yeah, it's one of those duh moments where the audience has the gist of it but the movie takes forever to catch up.



If you're looking for blood and guts, this movie provides plenty. Apparently, Ward has found the means for eternal life, but as March puts it, 'It's messy'. SALTS. Oh, sorry... that means 'smiled a little then stopped'. As March has guessed, eternal life involves sucking out the life of others to keep alive yourself - kind of a really smelly smart zombie. Kind of. Ward is really now Curwen (something everyone except the movie already figured out) and he needs blood (or bloody raw meat, whatever) to keep his form.



There's protracted scenes where March, Ward's wife and his assistant find a huge underground labyrinth and we see where all the money for special effects was spent. It is the place that Curwen does his experiments, and includes his/Ward's 'mistakes' - misshapen horrid things from the oopsies made with a mysterious elixir and the human remains smuggled to his, uh, lair? After fighting with things that really aren't alive anyway and therefore can't die, two make it out and blow the place to kingdom come - but not before March learns a secret, pocketing the elixir before leaving.

He takes Ward's wife to the hospital and goes to visit Ward/Curwen. He of course now knows that Curwen, once raised by Ward, uh, consumed him? Absorbed him? Something icky. But Curwen, who already has gotten the whole modern justice system down pat knows that he just needs to be a good boy for a few months even if he's accused of murder and he'll be considered 'cured' and let go. One immediate problem though - he's really, REALLY hungry. And March is conveniently made of meat. Sorry, but the movie began to seriously fall apart and you really just want this to be over by now. Curwen breaks out of his restraints and attacks March, biting him in the shoulder.

Hmm, Curwen got his teeth fixed before he bit the big one...

March breaks out his secret weapon: Ward's suitcase, which contains, somehow (not possible but oh well) the complete skeleton of the hapless Charles Ward. It scatters on the floor and he brings out the elixir, throwing it on the skeleton. He had read notes in the lab, conveniently, that said if one consumed another, and the other was given the elixer... well, long story short (way WAY too late) since Curwen, uh, ate Ward, Ward's reconstituted skeleton pulls the flesh from Curwen. At this point they got pretty gory and I thought this was going to be a great payoff but then they cheapened out and we get all these where-the-hell-did-these-come-from sparks that cover the two, uh, things and they explode. Or implode. All that's left of both is a blackened spot on the floor. Umm, okay.

March stumbles out of the hospital before the mess is found, leaving Mrs. Ward and her unborn baby (bum bum BUMMMM!) to believe that Mr. Ward simply escaped from the hospital and hoping not to think about any of this anymore. Hmm, I was having that same thought myself.

NOT AS GOOD AS THE EXORCIST, MUCH BETTER THAN ROSEMARY'S BABY






The Sentinel (1977)

This movie had been suggested to me several times and I kind of passed it by. Since I thought the Exorcist was absolutely hilarious (I'm kind of twisted that way) and Rosemary's Baby bored me to tears, I wasn't terribly eager to peruse this Exorcist wannabe but there were an awful lot of big names in it, as well as names soon-to-be-famous so I bit the bullet and tried it out. It wasn't half bad. Wasn't great, but I'd watch this ten times back to back rather than sit through Rosemary's Baby again.

And boy were there a lot of names. They almost took away from the movie 'cause as I'm watching it my husband is looking over my shoulder saying 'Hey that's... (somebody not in the movie)' at which point I'd have to pause it and explain that no, that was somebody else. It happened a lot. Oh well, he knows the stuff I don't like what kind of cars are being used. Together we almost know enough to do good reviews.

Names? The leading lady is just about the only one I DIDN'T know - Christina Raines. I guess she's done a ton of TV work but I didn't recognize her. The ones I did know were Chris Sarandon (very sexy but with one of those porno star mustaches - yuck), Burgess Meredith, John Carradine, Beverly D'Angelo (naked through most of her role - wow), Ava Gardner, Jose' Ferrer (whose son Miguel Ferrer is a favorite of mine, and oh yeah, he's George Clooney's uncle), Eli Wallach, Christopher Walken (who seemed to spend most of the movie chewing on something, he rarely spoke), Jeff Goldblum (who didn't even get a credit until the end of the movie) and Tom Berenger who had five seconds of screen time, billed only as 'man at end'.

Oh what was the movie about? Sorry about that. Seems this neurotic model wants a place of her own to get some space from her clingy boyfriend (Chris Sarandon) so in Brooklyn she finds this fully furnished apartment for some outrageously low price and moves right in. On the fifth floor she sees a man but is told he is a blind priest and never leaves his room - in fact, the whole building is supposedly owned by the church. 

Not being the sharpest tool in the shed she moves right in but things get strange fast - thank goodness. This did not rely on shots of her scared and shocked face like in Rosemary's Baby - she actually moves. Her neighbors are massively weird though, from the owner of a cat who keeps showing up at her door to the two lesbians who seem to like lounging around in the buff and... doing what lesbians do I guess - at least in the movies.

We get cutaway scenes from the Catholic Church and we are let in that something big is about to happen, involving the building they own and the model who's moved into it. Her boyfriend, being a lawyer decides to stick his nose in her business, being a bit put out she wouldn't move in with him, and begins to find evidence of some sort of conspiracy. 

Meanwhile the model complains to the realtor about the neighbors only to be told and shown that there are no neighbors - the apartment she went to a party in obviously hasn't been lived in for years, and the only other inhabitant of the building is the old priest. She thinks she must be going nuts - not a first for her, as her childhood was traumatic and caused her to attempt suicide. When she first met her boyfriend he was married but his wife committed suicide which made HER attempt suicide again - this chick is not the sharpest tool in the shed, as I said.

So we're supposed to believe the explanation that the building is not owned by the church, but rather by a group of excommunicated Catholic priests, and is a gateway to Hell. The blind priest is the guardian but is about to die and they need a new one - one who has attempted suicide, as all the guardians have. Wait a minute - that makes no sense whatsoever. To Catholics, suicide is instant Hellbound behavior. Ah, but since she survived, she needs to pay for being miserable by being the new guardian. Ummm... whatever.

Here's where the movie makers got themselves in quite a bit of trouble. Burgess Meredith, who played her massively nosy neighbor (and like the others is actually a dead murderer) comes at her with some 'demons' from Hell. This would all have been well and good, except for the part of the 'demons' instead of special effects they used people with real deformities and some from freak shows. 

That was a major no-no. Why? Well, think about it - by doing so, they infer that those who are 'different' go to hell, right? That may not have been their intent but a lot of people saw it that way and were massively pissed.

Among these 'demons' is her boyfriend who had been murdered and because he had really arranged for his wife to be killed and have it called suicide is damned with all the others. Now here's where it's not how much money you have or the kind of people you hire but how well you use the camera that makes the movie. My long-winded speech is because at this point to show he's, uh, dead I guess, Chris Sarandon's face flies apart. One itty bitty problem though. If you stop the film just as it starts to rip, you can CLEARLY see strings on four points of his face - the four places the skin 'rips' away. Ah damn, that would have been a good effect too if they had been more careful.

They try to convince her to join them, but suddenly a priest who's been bugging her throughout the movie plus the blind priest beg her not to join the dark side - oops, sorry, I mean beg her to return to Christ. Or something like that. Does she?

Somehow, even though she now stays in the same apartment, they manage to demolish the old building and build a new one. A young couple love the place and ask if there's anyone else living there. On the fifth floor, the realtor explains, is an old nun who never leaves her room. It, of course, is the model who is now the new Sentinel.

Did any of that make sense? No? Oh well, it was still better made than most and certainly was a who's who of actors and actresses.



                              

SLEEP FRIGHT, SLEEP TIGHT...

Fright Night (1985)
Fright Night II (1988)

There are some movies that just become part of your favorites for life because they were just so much fun to watch. Toward the top of mine is Fright Night.

The 80's saw a lot of teen movies in every genre. So although this was to be a horror movie, it centers around a high school kid Charlie Brewster (William Ragsdale) who has an obsession with horror (hey, my kind of guy) and his favorite TV show Fright Night is hosted by the 'great vampire killer' Peter Vincent (done with style and humor by Roddy McDowall. I miss you Roddy.). His girlfriend Amy (played by a young Amanda Bearse, later of Married With Children fame) is frustrated by his seeming lack of attention.

One night he sees new neighbors moving in next door. To his consternation, the two men seem to be carrying a coffin into the house. Being a teenager he proceeds to tell everyone he knows and the police what he suspects but, being a teenager and the typical teen movie he is altogether ignored.

His new neighbor Jerry Dandrige (played by the every smooth Chris Sarandon - the 80's was really his decade to shine) hears of this and decides to pay Charlie a visit. He offers him something he himself says he doesn't have - a choice. Forget him, or lose everybody he loves.

Again, being a teenager, Charlie can't just keep his nose out of other people's business. Despite the lack of support from his girlfriend and 'Evil Ed' (played hilariously by Stephen Geoffreys) he seeks out the help from the only person who he knows can help him - Peter Vincent, the famous vampire killer himself.


Peter, of course, is a total fraud. No, that's not fair. He's an actor. He's done these movies for years but doesn't believe in a single bit of it nor should he. So of course he takes Charlie's ramblings as the silliness of youth - only promising to check it out when offered money for the job.

They confront Jerry - Peter being totally apologetic, Charlie accusing. Peter gives him 'holy water' (he assures him it's just tap water) to drink to 'prove' he's not a real vampire. All goes well until, I guess to move the story along, he happens to look in a prop mirror and notices Jerry has no reflection. Gulp.

He reacts predictably - he's gonna skedaddle out of town. After a lot of convincing, he agrees to help Charlie who now how has rescue his girlfriend, seduced by the ever suave Jerry (a little creepy since she's an underage high school girl) and has lost his best friend to the 'evil'. They gather crosses, stakes and holy water (Jerry must be Catholic like all good vampires) and they set out.

Again, I just adore Chris Sarandon. He appears casually, announcing "Welcome to Fright Night. For real." The battle is intense, cliche's notwithstanding, the girl is saved and Peter and Charlie have triumphed. I was almost sad about that - I kind of wanted Chris to win this one.

Highly watchable and very memorable - I see it every chance I get.

Horror movies were picking up steam in the late 80's and so were sequels. So in 1988 we have Fright Night II. Charlie and Peter still keep in touch although Charlie is now in college with a new girlfriend (Alex, played by Traci Lind). Charlie has also been convinced by his therapist (they're always spoiling things) that Jerry Dandrige was simply a serial killer whom he only thought was a vampire.

Peter loses his job on Fright Night to a newcomer to town, a very sultry woman named Regine (Julie Carmen, a real beauty who I've only seen in one other movie, The Mouth Of Madness, but surely has been in others). She brings a pack of cronies with her (for comic relief more than anything) and starts her stalking of Charlie Brewster. After Charlie conveniently cuts himself shaving, Regine takes advantage and visits him though he's unaware of it, feeding off of the cut and making him a slave-like groupie of sorts.

Peter Vincent soon realizes that Regine too is a vampire. He's not happy about this (but still hilarious to watch). He can't convince Charlie though, a reversal of the first movie.

A few comic diversions and some silly incidents murk up the movie in the middle. It's not as tight or well written as the original, but then again sequels seldom are.

Finally it's revealed that Regine is actually Jerry Dandrige's sister (ewwww, that a little too close of a family - who sucked on who?) seeking revenge for his death.

The battle is good, not as good as the first but still good. Evil seems to be vanquished, the heroes triumph, and the movie is over.... but room is left for a possible third (which never surfaced).

Oh yes, they had the audacity to remake this movie last year. Not cool. I don't even like Colin Ferrell even though for the life of me I couldn't tell you why. What is Fright Night without Roddy, without Stephen, without Chris Sarandon? I didn't want to find out. It was just one of over 50 movies that have been or will be remade starting last year and continuing through 2013 (I hear Colin is also in the remake of Total Recall - ewww). I would say don't bother but women seem to get hot and heavy over Colin Ferrell so just watch at your own discretion.