MY SUMMATION OF THE HORROR MOVIE BUSINESS OF 2013 - IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT TOUGH, IT WAS TORTURE FOR ME... JUST KIDDING, I LOVE IT...

The Year 2013

This was a big year for the remake/reboot genre. I know, I know, it's not in itself a genre but it should be. We wept (or at least cursed under our breaths) when we saw our past favorites of every genre up on the big screen either chopped up and served to appease the younger masses, or in a bigger piss off, put up exactly as is with just a couple of 3D effects added and a bigger ticket price. Let's face it, 2013 sucked and 2014 isn't looking much brighter. This is what we had this year listed by Country:

United States:
Bad Milo!
Carrie
Curse of Chucky
The Conjuring
Dark Skies
Evil Dead
Hatchett III
The Haunting In Connecticut 2: Ghosts Of Georgia
I Spit On Your Grave 2
It's A Beautiful Day (with Japan)
The Last Exorcism Part II
Texas Chainsaw 3D
V/H/S/2
Warm Bodies
We Are What We Are
Willow Creek
World War Z

Japan:
Arcana

The Complex

It's A Beautiful Day (with US)
Miss Zombie

China:
The Chrysalis
The Deadly Strands
Lift To Hell
Midnight Train
Mysterious Island 2

Hong Kong:
Rigor Mortis
Tales From The Dark 1 & 2

S. Korea:
Horror Stories 2
Killer Toon

Thailand:
Long Weekend
Pee Mak

Other:
Dark Touch                              France/Ireland
Frankenstein's Army                 Netherlands
Mama                                      Canada/Spain


I'd hate to admit just how many of these I've actually seen. I didn't really try to see newer movies until this year and I didn't feel privileged in the slightest. We soooo need some new blood in the horror department it's getting hard to make fun of what is just sad and a repeat of everything else. Now if I was on the Satellite of Love with two faithful robots at my side...

But I'm alone. It seems a lot of other horror reviewers need to put a value on everything, whether it's a thumbs up or down, a number of stars, whatever. I don't do that for a very good reason: It over simplifies the movie. Geez, you watch for anywhere from 90 minutes to 120 minutes and you're just going to be satisfied by saying 'Two and a half stars out of five'? Pffft. You can do that just by reading the title.

I can give you my opinion of some things though, take it or leave it...

Worst Title Of The Year: The Haunting In Connecticut 2: Ghosts Of Georgia runs in a close first for the year. Connecticut - Georgia. Could they be further apart? Yes, but then they wouldn't be in the same Country. Massive duh. How does one story connect with the other except for the 'haunting' part? Sheesh.

Second Worst Title Of The Year: The Last Exorcism II. Exqueeze me? Can you repeat that and NOT see something wrong with that title? How can an exorcism be the last if.... <facepalm, reaches for Excedrin>

The Why Exactly Was This A Necessary Movie is a tie between I Spit On Your Grave II (which is a sequel to the REMAKE, not the original) and Texas Chainsaw 3D. And no I DON'T know if they 3D'd the first one or the REMAKE.

The Most Decent Reboot Of A Cult Movie: Evil Dead. I was prepared to hate this film, loving the original three as I do and wondering how you can even have an ED without Bruce, but except for the typical uneven action progression, kind of thin plot and predictable ending, they did a decent job - and thanks Sam for including the iconic Olds Delta 88 for us old people.

The Second Most Decent Reboot Of A Cult Movie: Whether you call this a cult classic or a franchise, this 'award' goes to Curse Of Chucky. I don't know why this was straight to video - they wanted to make Chucky back into a nasty little guy who's whole purpose was to kill instead of being a joke and they did that. Having the main character be handicapped (played actually pretty well by Brad Dourif's own daughter, Fiona) added to the tension and the mayhem. It wasn't a great movie but it didn't deserve the 'toss it in a bin' attitude.

A Movie That Was A Great Movie Once. Once.: Carrie. C'mon guys, we've had the original and best (even though I ripped it up from all the boo boo's in it as part of my review but it was still the best) in 1976, then a Broadway musical in 1988, a sequel called The Rage: Carrie 2 in 1999, a TV remake in 2002 (which they tried to make a series but thank goodness that didn't happen), and now this remake (they're not trying the 'reboot' trick with this one) which is supposed to be 'more faithful to the book'. Hmm. I read the book, the 1976 was pretty close as far as I remember - maybe I'll have to read it again before I attempt to watch this new treatment of the infamous girl with a deadly temper.

Oh yeah, that looks totally real... really.

The Only Two Zombie Movies (in the US) Of The Year Suuuuuuucked: In the number one spot of this two-movie category would have to be World War Z. A combination of Brad Pitt and a ton of CGI nonsense is NOT what we wanted for Max Brooks' famous novel - we wanted gore dammit - rotting flesh, suffering survivors - not a PG13 view of fakier than fake (my word, deal with it) piles of zombies that were... really dumb. Watching Brad Pitt and his single-expression acting was not a treat either. Ick.

The number two spot for this category is Warm Bodies. Again, PG-13 and when a parent gushes how finally she can take her children to see a zombie movie and not worry about the gore and violence we zombie lovers know to stay far far FAR away from this puke-warm treatment that is the Twilight of zombie movies. Besides, this is NOT an original idea - it was done (and done much better) in movies like Fido (2006), and even the stinkers Boy Eats Girl (2005) and A Little Bit Zombie (2012). In other words, bringing a vomit bag to the theater would be a good idea.

Whoops, sorry, wrong mama monster...

Biggest Movie Disappointment: Mama. I had high hopes for this one, being produced by Guillermo del Toro (well, he was an Executive Producer which probably means he looked at the movie and shrugged), and being described by everybody (read people trying to sell tickets) as 'extremely scary and spooky'. Pffft. 

There we go... you can understand my confusion...

When the movie started showing a father on the edge killing his coworkers and wife and taking off with his two girls, driving movie stupid on a snowy road (he was going off to kill them in the woods for some reason) and crashing, saving the girls and finding a cabin and STARTING A FIRE TO WARM THEM UP so he can, I dunno, shoot them without them shivering and ruining his aim, I immediately lost any respect for this film. The effects were... okay. But the ending was soooo obvious that I found myself just impatiently waiting for the credits.

Well that's it for the present - I'm sure I'll have more opinions soon. They seem to attack me whenever I'm trying to do something else (sleep, read, sleep some more) so prepare yourselves.

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MOVIES YOU WATCH BECAUSE OF WHO'S IN THEM... AND THEIR CHILDREN

Curse Of Chucky (2013) Straight To DVD

This being the age of endless sequels, remakes and now the infamous new word for I-don't-wanna-think-of-something-new-now-give-me-money, namely reboots, we get the straight-to-video reboot of the Chucky franchise. But instead of being funny (people say they were awful but I still laugh my butt off when I watch Seed Of Chucky) they decided to try and go back to the 'horror' aspect and leave the laughs behind. They failed.

First, they cast none other than Brad Dourif's smoking hot daughter Fiona in the lead. That's not a bad thing, after all, she has had a good acting career of her own - but I couldn't seem to get over the fact that it was his daughter in a wheelchair and he was trying (as a doll) to kill her. Plus, it's supposed to be serious, but we get a surprise - umm wait. If you want to see this, stop and watch and then come back 'cause you know I do the whole movie which means spoilers. Anyway, they wanted this to be horror but at the end they bring in (very briefly) Jennifer Tilly at what you think is the end. But it's not. 

Do these douchebags have to add extra scenes at the end of ALL the credits? Now when the hubby and I make that rare trip to a theater to watch movies, we DO sit through the credits, usually because we're curious about something. I remember the first time we saw an after-credits scene. I'm not saying it WAS the first, it was just the first we'd ever seen. After watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986), we sat through the credits, partly to watch, and partly to wait for the crowd to leave. Then we got to see the after-credit scene of Ferris saying "You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go." Okay that's not an earth-shattering plot point but we were the only ones who saw it - that day anyway. Long story short (too late) it pays to stay through the credits for extra little tidbits - in this movie's case it was a BIG one.

So four years after Chucky's last dismemberment (and we conveniently have to forget he had kids 'cause that whole storyline doesn't apply anymore) Chucky is looking for revenge (Isn't he always?). See this movie is kind of a how-Charles Lee Ray-became-Chucky kind of movie but the backstory is given in such small bits and of course mixed with a lot of murder and mayhem so if you don't pay really close attention, you don't get all the story. And do you really want to pay THAT much attention to yet another movie about a murderous doll?

Apparently for a lot of people, yes. This is on its way to reinstate the whole Chucky franchise, the makers hoping we just forget the last two Chucky movies and keep seeing him as a pure killer, not a joke. That's kind of a shame 'cause they came up with some good ones in those two - even if a lot of critics hated them. My favorite from Bride Of Chucky is when the teenage boy discovers that Chucky and Tiffany are 'alive' and asks 'How'd you end up like this?' Tiffany says it's a long story. Then Chucky pipes up and says 'Let me put it this way. If this were a movie, it would take three or four sequels to do it justice.' If you can't laugh at that then... uh, I forget where I was going with this...

Since you know the whole movie is pretty much about Chucky killing absolutely as many people as he can, instead I'll tell the reason why since, like I said, you'd have to pay real close attention and that sucks - at least to me. There's this psycho named Charles Lee Ray (Brad Douriff), a shaggy haired friend of this particular family. Why he's a friend I have no idea, but he is in love with the wife of the family - who's pregnant (not his). So he decides he wants this woman even if she doesn't want him. He kills her husband and after the funeral kidnaps her. 

She tries to escape and he stabs her - which is why the main character Nica (Fiona Dourif) has been a paraplegic all her life. Nica's mother turns him in which leads to the big chase and kill scene from the first movie, and he becomes a doll.

So he wants the rest of this family as well to complete his revenge. Arriving mysteriously in the mail, he soon kills Nica's mother and Nica is now at the mercy of her older sister and her sister's husband, daughter, and nanny (who is secretly her lover as well). So now we have a houseful of victims for the Chuckster.

No I'm not going to outline each death, it's about the same as in all other movies. Fiona as Nica does very well and is convincing enough as a woman trapped in a chair in the same house as a bunch of psychos - and a killer doll. She's pretty much screwed though and you know that before it even starts. 

Sure enough, when the blood settles and the bodies spread everywhere with Nica being the sole survivor (except for the small daughter 'cause Chucky doesn't seem to do too well with killing kids *hint hint*). And since this is a reboot, the last escapades of the doll don't count so the authorities figure that Nica went nuts and somehow, from her wheelchair, she managed to slice and dice everybody. She's put in a mental hospital. The daughter is sent to her grandmother's house.

As had happened in a previous Chucky movie, the officer in charge of the evidence room is bribed to sell the Chucky doll to an interested party - but never gets to collect because that 'party' who is, of course, Tiffany (Jennifer Tilly) slits his throat as she's done before, and takes Chucky to mail to his next target - the little girl at her grandmother's house. Now here it gets - nonsensical. I know, I know, I expect a movie about a killer doll to make sense? DUH. But it shows that Chucky has put a plastic bag over granny's head and does the mumbo jumbo voodoo on the little girl to transfer his soul. Game over. And I turned the movie off.

Naughty naughty... I didn't watch the credits. Why would I? Well, apparently Chucky wasn't successful with the little girl and so is mailed yet again to his next target - some guy. Some guy? You'd have to be reeeeeal slow not to guess who this guy is. I'm not. But apparently the makers of the movie assume we are so after he sets the package down and is talking on the phone with his mother, we get a slow pan of certificates and pictures - graduating from a military academy and, of course, a picture of him with his mother. It is the now grown Andy from Child's Play (played by the real Andy - Alex Vincent). 

As Andy's back is turned, Chucky is using a knife to cut the package open to extract his revenge. He turns - there is Andy, holding a shotgun inches from Chucky's face. Andy says 'Play with this!' and BLAM! So is Chucky dead? I dunno, how much more money can they pull from this series? And (this is my addled brain coming up with scenarios) what if the doll WAS the little girl and now the little girl is Chucky? Pffft... not even money hungry movie makers would stoop that low, right?

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