LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND...


Final Destination 5 aka 5nal Destination 3D IMAX (2011)

All I have to do is tell you the title of this one and you already know the movie in your head, whether you've actually seen it or not. You get an impressively progressive tragic accident of some type in the beginning, the one kid/twenty something waking from a horrible 'dream' and fighting his way to get out of the situation while dragging the requisite amount of people with him for the film while the others die, they have the funeral, Tony Todd picks up his paycheck by telling them Death won't be cheated, they die one by one in Rube Goldberg style, and at the end you think phew, one or two made it but nope aaaand scene. This is exactly the same but a whole lot more expensive - for you.They filmed this one in BC so it was cheaper - for them. It was released in 3D and IMAX. Oh goody.

I like watching the beginning because the 'accidents' are pretty impressive - watching them in slow motion makes you appreciate the, umm, absurdity of the thing even more. I then fast forward through the middle and then watch the ending with no surprise whatsoever. This tried to have a tiny bit of a twist at the end which was almost - ALMOST creative.

This installment (and so far it's the latest but certainly not the last, I'm sure) follows the formula like it's supposed to: there's a bus full of employees (not much older than the other FD movies so shut up) heading to a company retreat that every company does absolutely never. They cross a bridge over troubled waters (ha) and a construction crew keeps the traffic slow with some repairs. 

Suddenly there's a snap and a twang and a lot of screams and dying. Then of course the cursed one who had the vision wakes up and makes a total bedlam trying to get himself and everyone else off the bus and bridge - we get our handful that make it while everybody else plunges to their deaths. At the funeral, check in hand, Tony Todd tells him Death has a design. Yeah, and a predictable script and Tony Todd on standby.

This one tried to be quasi-original by having the Rube Goldberg setups NOT be the cause of death, just be there for the hell of it. The deaths are... meh. The bent-in-half gymnast was kind of funny (just because I'm twisted that way) but everybody goes one by one in order just like they're supposed to. The remainder are told (again by Tony Todd, he must have gotten overtime) that if they can get someone else's lifespan, they will be spared. Essentially, if they murder someone, they get his/her life. Nice. So two are the 'good guys' so they don't want to - one is desperate and so he has no problem doing it if he can. He can't.

So the two good ones (coincidentally boyfriend and girlfriend) through no fault of their own gain the life of the desperate one (the other didn't die so didn't need it) and they decide to go off to Paris since he is getting an internship there to become a chef...

They get on the plane going to Paris (Is this sounding familiar to you yet? My worksheet was already filled out by now.) they are disturbed when a group of teenagers get in to a fight on the plane and one is carried out with several others (if you don't get it now I give up on you). The boyfriend asks a flight attendant what the ruckus was about and she tells him a boy had a vision that the plane was going to crash...

The rest? Oh come on people! The punchline is that this is a PREQUEL to the other FD movies and so kablooey, he and his girlfriend literally go down in flames...

A fan's wishful thinking...

Stay for the credits 'cause the FD makers give you a little bonus (probably so you won't be so mad at them about this turkey) - they should have called it 'The Face Of FD Death' 'cause that's what it was - a highlight clip show of some of the nasty deaths from all the FD movies. You're welcome.

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OUTRIGHT RIP-OFFS OF GEORGE ROMERO MOVIES - OH WAIT - NEVER MIND

Night Of The Living Dead (1990)

When I rediscovered my favorite movie critic Joe Bob Briggs, on his website was a video from a show (date unknown) where he had several from the original cast of NOTLD, as well as Tom Savini. Briggs was showing a double feature, both the original and the remake NOTLD that Tom Savini directed in 1990. I faintly remembered the remake, but decided to look it up anyway to kind of contrast and compare, as I'd watched the original again a short time ago. This is where I wish my friend Tim Forston could help me out because I'm sure he'd have some keen insights about the value of remakes - he always does. Hopefully we'll see him again here soon. But for today I'll have to do this on my own.

I was pleased to see that Savini kept faithful to the original in all the basic concepts, and thought it interesting where Romero reached out there with some really then-taboo type things, Savini seemed to draw in, making it a bit more tame. Not to say there wasn't gore - but it was mostly towards the end and very subdued. I was also surprised that Tony Todd was in it - I hadn't remembered that. This was before his every-word-makes-you-shiver vocal delivery, he was actually a pretty normal guy in a very abnormal situation.

We keep the need-to-see aspects of the film and Savini makes sure they're in there while inserting his own style into the story. Johnnie (a brief visit by the talented and horror movie regular Bill Moseley) and Barbara (great performance by Patricia Tallman, who was also in Army Of Darkness and also is a stuntwoman) are visiting their mother's grave. We get to hear the 'They're coming to get you Barbara' which Johnnie repeats - almost too much. We got it - we heard you, okay?

The movie follows much of the original - Tony Todd as Ben is still the strong figure and the one to rally and instruct the others how to survive. Savini, being about the best makeup artist on the planet still didn't get tempted and go overboard with the zombies either - they were understated as Romero made them which was nice - this movie was about the horror of the possibility after all, not the gore.

Things that were different: Barbara, at first as mousy and shell shocked as the original comes to and begins to be strong and aggressive, a welcome change from the original where she basically stared blankly through the movie. The ancillary characters are basically the same - the naive couple, the jerk with his wife and sick (read bitten) daughter and, of course, lots and lots of people coming out of nowhere to this house in the middle of, well, nowhere which is unexplained and we don't care 'cause this is a classic, right?

And Savini, being the effects expert he is does seem to shy away from certain gory aspects - the chewing scenes where the dead feed and all the intestine pulling begins, and the scene that was so shocking in the original, when the sick child becomes a zombie and kills her mother with a trowel was changed although a nod to Romero was definitely given. In this version, the child instead grabs and bites her mother on the neck, the blood squirting onto a trowel hanging on the wall. Pretty sneaky Savini - but very effective. The young couple die as in the original and it's their cooked bodies (they die in a gas explosion) that the zombies munch on - not as shocking as the original and interesting that he went in that direction.

In this version Savini kind of fiddles with the ending. We all know that Ben is the final survivor of the original, living until morning only to be cut down by over-eager rednecks having a blast (pun intended) wasting all the zombies. But now it is Barbara who manages to survive the night and is discovered, but not killed by the rednecks. She sees that to them this is practically like the County Fair - booths are set up for food, they've got a barbeque going (of food, not zombies - eww you guys) and they're having a raucous good time. 

She goes back to the house for Ben who had been wounded but unfortunately he did not survive and is cut down by one of the rednecks. She then sees the jerk, alive at the cost of the others coming out of the attic. She shoots him in the head without a second thought and tells the men when they come in 'another one for the fire'. She looks out over the devastation and the men shooting and hanging and generally having fun with the corpses and says the great Romero line, "They're us. We're them and they're us."

Brilliant. I know Romero was pleased with it, and with good reason. Tom Savini has a great brain in that gorgeous head of his. <blushes>

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BLATANTLY BAD BUT BLISSFULLY BRIEF





Splatter (2009)

This is kind of puzzling - it's described both as a movie and as a TV series - with ten episodes. But I could only find this 29 minute piece of puke that had some of the best (and worst) talent and best (and worst) effects and still managed to be boring as hell.

Also billed as Roger Corman Presents Splatter (I wouldn't be bragging about this if I were you Roger), it supposedly follows a story written by Richard Christian Matheson, one of my favorite horror writers, and Joe Dante, a... well, supposedly a good director. The two main names are Corey Feldman and Tony Todd. Yikes.

We begin with Jonny Splatter (Corey Feldman), rock god, about to blow his own brains out but not before putting a curse on all those he figures ruined his life (you know, 'cause he had a huge castle, all the money in the world and tons of fans but hey, nothing really important). Since this was supposed to be a series I was curious about what we would be treated to if such a series existed. Here are the episodes (if they actually exist):

• Where There's a Will: The acquaintances of a dead dead rock musician gathers to hear his will only to discover they are in the middle of an elaborate plot for revenge.
• Kill Fiona: Johnny Splatter deals with Fionna leaving Mortis and Spencer.
• Kill Mortis: Johnny Splatter deals with Mortis leaving Fiona and Spencer.
• Kill Spencer: Johnny Splatter deals with his manager Spencer leaving Fiona and Mortis.
• Spencer and Fiona Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Fiona while Spencer tries to cut a deal to save his own skin.
• Fiona and Mortis Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Fiona while Mortis tries to cut a deal to save his own skin.
• Spencer and Mortis Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Mortis while Spencer tries to cut a deal to save his own skin
• Fiona and Mortis Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Mortis while Fiona tries to cut a deal to save her own skin.
• Spencer and Fiona Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Spencer while Fiona tries to cut a deal to save her own skin.
• Spencer and Mortis Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Spencer while Mortis tries to cut a deal to save her own skin.

I only include this list because it seems to be part of a big joke, that and they manage to misspell the main character's name in every episode. Do these episodes exist? Do you really REALLY want them to?

Nice expression - I guess squibs must tickle...

Back to our horrid 29 minutes that should have been at least passable if not great. There is Jonny, with his fake gun, greasy black hair and makeup (Is he supposed to be a death metal singer or just heavy metal?) but wait - on the right side of your screen (the left side of Jonny's head), where in a few seconds what's supposed to be Jonny's brain matter gets splatted there's... well damn, you can see the squibs and other squishies ready to explode on cue. Oh man, that. Is. Hilarious. There's a list of five makeup, special effects and hair 'artists' listed, and I'll bet they're all unemployed right now.

Nice, small set 'cause hey, space is expensive...

It only gets worse and much more contrived. One by one he kills off those he says 'ruined' him (Corey, look in the mirror man, there's your real enemy.) until there's only Tony Todd left because hey, he's the one paid the most money. We've had Jonny give each traitor death by electrocution, heart ripping, neck ripping, and ear blowing out from an overly loud guitar (Do you know of ONE musician that would keep a super expensive guitar in a glass case just to put a cheap piece of paper in one corner showing how much the instrument was worth? Didn't think so.). 

Best Corey's looked in years...

Tony Todd has a book of voodoo and so to save his skin and put Jonny in his coffin for good, he starts chopping off a piece of each unfortunate, throwing them in a bag with a bit of his own blood and throwing THAT on a fire with an incantation. Jonny's rotting corpse (Did I forget to mention he became a zombie? Probably because you can forget him just that fast...) which has been getting more and more rotten comes to a halt. To keep the bag from completely burning, he decides to work with his agent Spencer (Tony Todd) and continue his 'act' - oh goody, a corpse band - somebody call Tim Burton. To make it 'work', Jonny re-animates his band members (it only shows one but you've gotta assume) and our 29 embarrassing minutes are over. Maybe what they found out was that this was just soooo terrible that they took all the episodes and slimmed it down to under half an hour. We can only hope.

Thanks a lot Roger Corman.