A BLOODY BREAK WITH THE HISTORY OF BLOODY GORE AND A BLOODY BLAST AT YOUNG BLOODY FILMMAKERS AND THEIR BLOODY CGI! (CAUTION: THERE! WILL! BE! BLOOD!!!)







Where Was I?

As I've promised (several times), a review of the opus Kill Bill Volumes 1 and 2 is coming. It's not a blow-by-blow review (or else it would be a small book), but a critical view of what I thought was great, good, iffy, horrible, and downright stupid about the two movies. 

"NOW GO HOME TO YOUR MOTHER!"

I had to wait on the review for just a bit, because I found out that it was not presented as Quentin Tarantino wanted it to be (the censors got at it between the showing at the Cannes Film Festival in 2003, and what audiences saw afterward in theaters). So that changed my perspective about certain things, but there were still plenty of points that I thought were just bloody awful so...

Speaking of blood.

Nightmare On Elm Street

While working on the damned thing, I got off on a tangent, as I always do. I wasn't feeling well (natch), the dictation software was giving me fits (either I had stopped speaking English or it decided that it preferred Klingon), and even the hubby was giving some unsolicited advice that, though usually welcome, at that moment just made me want to chuck the whole thing. Which is why you're not reading it yet.

Speaking of blood.


I actually MADE my hubby sit and watch the infamous nightclub katana sword fight scene from Kill Bill 1. There were so many of the different elements (good, bad, stupid, etc.) in just that one sequence I thought he'd enjoy it... nope. I did get the chance to show him that Quentin apparently thought that human blood in the body is kept at an extremely high pressure, like a fire hose, so something like losing an arm (or a head) can cause a spray equal to kids breaking open a fire hydrant on a hot day. But I digress about digressing.

Speaking of blood.

NOT from Kill Bill...

So I wondered - with this two-movie opus, did Tarantino break any records with the use of fake blood? I decided to look around. Now my "findings" are not all inclusive of course - you probably know of a particularly bloody film that seemed to uses gallons of the stuff - all those produced before CGI of course. AND there is great debate on the amounts used so this contest may be invalid altogether but that never stopped me before.

Speaking of blood.


How much do I hate CGI? Let's put it this way: After watching one heavily CGI'd zombie movie (no it was not World War Z) I read a comment by a parent who said, basically, "Finally! A zombie movie I can let my children watch that is not just blood and guts." And there's your answer.

Speaking of blood.

...except maybe this guy.

Waaay back in the old days (she said drawing up her shawl and knitting needles) people died usually without much fuss, maybe a blood spot on the clothes, and the requisite drip of blood from the corner of the mouth. Blood meant death, no matter how small the amount. Character has a bloody nose? Gonna die. Blood when they cough or sneeze? Gonna die. I'm surprised they didn't try to convince their audiences that women actually were gonna die a little each month (actually that's not far off from the truth)...

Speaking of blood.

Audiences changed - which meant that the horror genre (where most of the blood was spilled) had to change. They wanted more - and more realistic. Enter the great makeup and special effects geniuses that made horror just so, so awful (which means they made it lots of fun to watch): 


Rick Baker. In my opinion, he made the absolute best werewolf I have ever seen (and the scene of a man morphing to werewolf) in An American Werewolf In London (1981) - it has not been done better, even with all the so-called advances. And I loved the poor, ever decaying friend Jack. This is an early picture of Baker making the original 'Baby' from It's Alive. His credits are way too numerous to count, his talent huge, and his fans, lots and lots (sorry to be so technical).

Greg Nictero. He and his eeeevil minions did such a wonderful job on the Evil Dead series. He formed the K.N.B. EFX Group which has worked on hundreds of projects - and no CGI, so there! And you can't mention Nictero without...

Tom Savini. He is the epitome of special effects (and the sexiest man ever born). He is known as the Godfather of Gore, The Sultan Of Splatter, The Come To My Bedroom And I'll Show... whoops, sorry. Ignore that last one. Starting as a makeup artist (that sounds really tame - it's not) he eventually branched out to acting, directing, producing, even doing stunts. 

The picture above is an early one of his work on the original Jason Voorhees for Friday The 13th. But back to special effects: Savini's 'process' is so revered, he runs the 'Tom Savini's Special Make-Up Effects Program' in Pennsylvania. His age may be greater than even mine (blush) but he is just one of those guys who'll be handsome when they're 1,000 years old - I'll wait.

Speaking of blood.


Dick Smith. This is getting too long (natch) but I'd be an idiot not to include at least Dick Smith, the reason why people cowered (or just plain vomited) during The Exorcist, watched a freaking HEAD explode in Scanners, and, despite all the titles Tom Savini has rightfully gathered for himself, it is Smith who is considered the Godfather Of Modern-Day Special Effects Makeup. His work didn't just include horror, but Taxi Driver, Little Big Man, The Godfather and countless others... the guy is just freaking sweet.

Speaking of blood.

See how easy it is to become distracted? I am typing this by hand 'cause I thought it'd be short - now I'll be moaning and wrapping my wrists, and gulping down the pain pills for the rest of the week.

Speaking of blood.

SO. Who is the champion of Most Fake Blood Used In A Single Movie? I was wondering if it was Kill Bill (considering the people with gallons of high pressure blood in 'em, and Uma slices up an awful lot) but I remembered a couple of earlier movies so I'm just doing A COUPLE of movies and how much fake blood was used. If my pick for 'Most Blood' is incorrect, please send a message - I am pleased to look things up and if I'm wrong, I have no problem with saying so. SO.

Speaking of blood.

The Shining (1980): I'm leaving Stephen King out of this one (Why not, Family Could Brick did... hmm? What was that? Oh, that's how my freaking dictation software kept insisting on spelling Stanley Kubrick, which is why I'm typing today.), which sucks 'cause it's King's story - please read the book, especially now that the book Dr. Sleep (the sequel) is out which, as far as I've gotten in it, is just soooo cool. But despite the movie's many flaws and conspiracy theories it had a doozy of a fake blood scene. A couple hundred gallons of the stuff sounds wild enough.

Speaking of blood.

But Family Could Brick insisted that the first two takes weren't 'real' enough and insisted on a third. So mop up the muck and try again, right? Nope. Each take took so long to set up that before Family Could Brick was satisfied, a WHOLE YEAR had gone by... and it was bloody but still extremely flawed. Check out the video of it - not only is the elevator... strange, but the mechanism that both propped open the door and made the blood shoot out from floor to ceiling quite clearly flops onto the floor. So much for dissin' old Stephen, huh Could Brick?

Speaking of blood.

In 1984's A Nightmare On Elm Street, a Wes Craven masterpiece and a starting point for several now-famous actors and actresses (the bedroom scene is shown above), the total amount of fake blood used for the movie (which was shot in 30 days) was over 500 gallons. According to sources that is. If you know of a different number, do tell.

Speaking of blood.


1992, a not-quite-world-famous-yet Peter Jackson made a little film in New Zealand (actually he made quite a few but I digress times infinity), called Braindead (Dead Alive for those lucky enough to see it in the States). It was dismissed as just a gross-out for the sake of being gross... until LOTR. THEN all of a sudden it became a 'cult classic'. Hmm. Being about nasty zombies from a bite spread by a Sumatran Rat-Monkey, the movie has since become discussed and debated (excuse me) to death.

Who the hell cares about if they used the same cemetery from The Frighteners (another Jackson film) or if the priest says 'ass' or 'arse'? I wanted to know how much fake blood was used. The amount passes up anything made up to then or since, even if I went with the low estimate of 5,000 gallons to the whopping post-production estimate of 20,000 gallons. That's... quite a mess. But fun. 

In one of the last scenes of DA, Lionel (our hero) uses a plain, one blade lawnmower as a zombie dismemberment machine. It is said that the lawnmower sprayed out five gallons of fake blood per second. Believe what you want, I'm just glad they kept the mess mostly to one room (okay, set).

Speaking of blood.

So Kill Bill (2003 and 2004), pales in comparison (pun intended) using only a couple hundred of gallons. Huh. So who's the winner? Depends on who you believe.

...umm, this is Ash in Evil Dead 2 by the way...

There are sites that claim (and I'm not buying it 'cause I've seen both movies) that the reboot of Evil Dead (2013) kicks ass for the Lord on a much greater scale than Braindead, using 'over 50,000 gallons' of fake blood. Uh huh. But this same source also claimed that Braindead only used 1,000 gallons. Not. Even. Close.

Speaking of blood.


Am I being totally obsessive about my love of red, messy, squishy, pulpy gore in my movies? Lets have a couple of bad examples, shall we? There are no GOOD examples of CGI. First, in the reboot of Fright Night (2011), a woman who has 'turned' exploded in the sunlight right next to Charlie (the, uh, hero) and yet not a drop of blood, guts, skin, clothes, etc. hits him, the lawn, or anything else. WTH? Second, there's been a couple of zombie films (which I refuse to name) in which zombies are blown apart and... evaporate, because there is absolutely not a shred of evidence that they were even there in the first place.

Yup. Give me my pulp, my mess, my icky sticky red stuff. You want CGI? Play video games.


Note: Goddammit now my whole column is blown. I just read (and this is unconfirmed but knowing the Whedonverse it is conceivable) that they used an impossible 200,000 gallons of fake blood in their 2012 movie The Cabin In The Woods. Somebody please write me to tell me this is wrong... still, it was an awesome movie that I faithfully watch several times a month...

THE BEST GODDAMN MOVIE THAT ALMOST WASN'T

The Cabin In The Woods (2012) 

I admit, seeing the trailers for this movie I thought oh great, five students go to a cabin, it's a reality show and we get suckered into another prime price ticket for the same old shit. My extreme apologies and serious submission of amends to the Whedonverse. How could I ever think Joss Whedon would "just" make some horror flick? And hot damn, thar be zombies here!

This movie, believe it or not, almost never made it to theaters. This movie was actually filmed and completed in 2009. So what was the hangup? Not Joss, his so-called financial backers. In November 2010, MGM filed for Chapter 11, but fortunately the film was still released as one of MGM's last pre-Spyglass films in development. 

So it kind of squeaked by as the movie company went under. And while the creatures, sets and things were developed and built, some stuff was just 'too big' for anything they could build so they actually used the British Columbia Institute Of Technology's Aerospace building (which explains why parts of the film feel like you're at NASA). 

Yes this was made in Canada, but we got to see it first - when Lionsgate got the distribution rights and it finally premiered in March. According to Joss, this movie is a 'love-hate' letter to the horror genre, and no one could have done it better. If you haven't seen this yet and want to, this review gives away quite a few spoilers, so just beware...

Five college kids go away for the weekend in a cabin in the woods. No, no, don't stop me, you HAVEN'T heard this one before - although it begins exactly as all horror movies do. You have your cute and sexually promiscuous couple, your stoner, your smart and socially backward girl and the extra guy they bring to hopefully hook up with the girl. 

They're going clear up in the mountains in an RV for this one - we even get the obligatory stop at the gas station that's so disgusting it probably hasn't had a customer in over a year - complete with backwoods redneck who instantly despises the 'city folk'. So far right on track. Until...

The scene changes to a huge corporation building - and I do mean huge. There are carts to get around in, not two or three, maybe 50, this place is like a mile long, wide and high. At least they make it seem that way. We follow two middle aged guys bitching about their lives in general as they take their places before a huge console. Now we get into the NASA type feel. These guys are orchestrating everything that happens to these five people - from putting stuff in the promiscuous woman's hair dye to 'dumb her down' a bit, to getting more chemicals in her boyfriend to make him the 'alpha male'. 

This is also where we find a slight boo-boo in the logic of the movie. The whole point is that the young people have to 'transgress' in order to suffer and die. They don't really explain what exactly they consider a transgression. Also, it is shown that EVERYTHING about these kids are on the screen - their vital signs, location, everything. Yet when Marty (the stoner) appears to have been killed, they assume he's dead - but since he wasn't, wouldn't they have noticed he still had a heartbeat on their monitors?

AND (sorry Joss) when the first one is killed, a prayer is offered by one of the engineers in charge of overseeing this 'sacrifice' to the dark Gods for 'the blessed peace of your eternal slumber'. If this is all to keep them asleep, who is he praying to? They're all asleep, who's gonna hear it? If someone is awake, why is he praying for them to keep sleeping. It kind of goes around in a circle there.

One more boo-boo I didn't catch but it's a continuity error. When the kids are swimming in the lake, Marty stays on the dock with a big towel around his neck. Watch the scene - the towel disappears then re-appears. I didn't see that, rats.

They are kind of tipping the scales, and even taking bets on certain outcomes from dozens who are watching this whole scene with interest. I mean they can see every pore on these kid's faces (if they had any), know exactly what they're going to do and how it's going to end. The betting is merely on the details of the why and the when. Now my brain is starting to work (it never does in these things so this is new) and I'm wondering what the hell and is this just another reality show? Well, yes and no. This IS reality, and no it is NOT a show. 

Everything that happens, happens for real and is permanent. Which means these kids are going to die. How and when is up to them... and the boys in the control room are eager - see this is happening all over the world, and apparently the only Country kicking the US's butt in this, uh, scenario is Japan - who seems to always 'score' a perfect rate. Other countries have been failing and dropping out so these guys want a great, uh, outcome.

I'm going to have to see this again, maybe more than once because pausing it every few seconds to write down the basics interrupted the flow and the fun. Because in this movie you get horror, humor, sci fi, creature feature, human sacrifice and more all rolled into about an hour and a half - impossible to process even when you're taking names and keeping score.

So our doomed kids get to the cabin. They don't know it, but neither the cabin, the woods, hell the tunnel they came through, the AIR, the gas station - there is nothing natural about any of it. Over the entire area is an invisible honeycomb electrical grid to prevent any 'runners'. Once there, the technicians control the local environment and give them mood-altering drugs. 

The drugs gradually reduce the group's intelligence and awareness, and also increase their libido. The cellar door pops open and duh, they go in (can't fault them for that, they're all stoned by now). They see all kinds of items a lot of people find creepy - old dolls, pictures, a puzzle (nice nod to Hellraiser there), a conch (no, really) and other items. One girl finds an old journal. 

Reading from the journal triggers the 'scenario' the kids have to suffer through - in this case a sadistic bunch of pain loving, backwoods inbred zombies. YES!!! One of the techs is bummed - if the conch had been blown, they could have had a merman (his personal fave) but zombies it is. And the first betting pool has been won.

What with the drugs, pheromones, and changing environment, the two promiscuous ones sneak out to the woods to have sex. About 70 middle age men watch with anticipation as the blonde slowly unbuttons her blouse - then all get pissed when she changes her mind. It's too dark. So one tech 'turns up the lights'. That's better - to the chorus of 'c'mon baby let's see some boobies' she finally takes off her shirt. But their love fest is interrupted when both are attacked by maggoty, wonderful zombies who brought their own tools - all to inflict pain (and death). 

First to go is the blonde - or rather her head. At her death, one tech pulls a lever which drips blood down onto a large carving and we get the idea that this is much larger than some old guys getting their jollies. They're getting input from 'upstairs' and 'downstairs' but we're not told what this means.

Believe it or not, it's the stoner who seems to have the most brains of the group. Apparently what he smokes makes him mostly immune (or just tolerant) of all the crap they've been giving them and he discovers a camera, concluding they're on some sort of reality show. He can't tell anyone, cause he's standing in front of a window and, duh, a zombie drags him out and away. And another lever is pulled.

The three remaining run for it in the RV. As they're driving away, the techs notice in a panic that the tunnel has not been caved in as scheduled. One makes a run for their department, and they've been trying but no luck. Just as the RV is almost to the end, the tech manages to connect the proper wires and the cave-in begins. They barely back the RV out in time. There's a small gorge and the 'alpha male' knows he can jump it in the motorcycle he brought. So he revs it up, makes a good run at it and.... hits the honeycomb grid on the other side, bouncing and getting electrocuted all the way down the gorge. Another lever.

Two to go. They decide to try to drive past the cabin but the girl, maybe with the drugs wearing off a bit, realizes that the stoner, who had been making statements that this was all a set up of some kind makes the connection that maybe there is no way out. The remaining guy assures her they'll make it - until an object is shoved clear through his throat by the zombie hiding in the back (gotta love zombies that don't smell) and the RV plunges into the lake. 

The girl almost drowns but manages weakly to get to the surface and onto a dock. Right now one of the 'new guys' is questioning why they have to be put through this - they say something about it being the requirements of the 'old ones' and things have to go just a certain way - with the girl, being a 'virgin' being tortured and killed last. 

Sure enough, on the dock is another zombie who begins strangling her, beating her, throwing her around... the employees, certain they were a success, have a party with drinking and music by REO Speedwagon (I said they were middle aged after all)... until the 'red phone' rings. 

That's the 'upstairs' and they're pissed. See, someone didn't die. Who? The techs, back to business look at the screen in time to see the stoner, bloody but alive, rescue the girl from the zombie. Damn. Now they've got to pull out all the stops to make sure these two die and in the right order.

Meanwhile the stoner tells the girl he had stumbled upon a control box and was able to access an underground elevator. They take the elevator down to the lower levels of the facility, passing a variety of imprisoned monsters, werewolves, ghosts, slimy things - they realize they all are related to objects that were in the cellar. Sure enough, they were set up - no matter what they touched, they were gonna get killed. The two manage to escape the elevator (we get a really cool scene of literally hundreds of glass boxes stacked indefinitely full of every creepy crawly imaginable) and get to a control room. 

It conveniently has a 'purge' button (Why exactly? What possible reason would they ever want to release all the slimy stuff?). Here is some truly wonderful creature feature work that deserves more than one look as monsters of all shapes, sizes and cultures swarm onto the army trying to capture the two and blood flows heavily - as well as some really good gore.

Escaping they discover a temple with large stone tablets, Now we meet the Director from 'upstairs' (nice cameo by Sigourney Weaver) who explains that they have to die in order to appease the 'old ones' or else they will rise and destroy the earth. So, every year five dumb kids gotta die. Well, at least four - the 'virgin' can live or die as long as she suffers. Duh. That's why every other country has been trying to repeat these scenarios - but everybody (even Japan) has been failing. So they gotta die or the world ends. The girl, who has the gun, points it at the stoner. He is resigned and not particularly surprised. He sees a werewolf behind her and says nothing and it attacks. She drops the gun, he grabs it and shoots the werewolf. 

He then struggles with the Director for the gun and just as she's about to shoot him, here comes our last little zombie who puts an axe in her head. He dumps both of them down where the 'old ones' sleep. So, die and save the world, or live a couple more minutes and the world is toast? Bleeding, horrified and past all sense of giving a damn, they decide if man has stooped so low as to do this kind of atrocity all over the world, maybe they all deserve to die. 

They hold each other as the 'old ones' wake and the last we see is the cabin and a huge hand thrust up from the ground, obliterating it and slamming down on the earth.

This was truly excellent. Thank you so much Joss Whedon. This was so entertaining and different it almost (almost) makes up for all the stinkers I've had to put up with since I started this blog. I will never doubt you again, sir.