CAN SOMEONE JUST TAKE A RUSTY FORK AND STICK IT IN MY EYE FOR ME PLEASE? AKA I GUESS IT TAKES WAN TO KNOW WAN

Dead Silence aka Shhhh... aka Silence aka The Doll aka Mary Shaw (2007)

It is pitiful beyond belief that I started this review on the 6th of March and am only working on it now because I went to the doctor's office and whoopee! I get to live!

And then goddammit the freaking clerk, nose running faster than Carmelita Jeter, coughing harder than a 20-year veteran of a coal mine, and handing me gross items right and left (and there was hand sanitizer there that I was using plenty of, believe you me) that I gingerly had to stuff into my purse.

So in other words, now I'm going to live, but I'm going to suffer every moment of it. WHY do people insist on going to work sick? Yes, yes, I know - bills have to be paid, children fed but geez, shouldn't they at least be required to wear face masks instead of shooting their nose candy across the counter at you while you're dodging the best you can but knowing how fast and how far that stuff travels... and I'm still sick.

Hmm? Oh yeah, movie. Oh bewan my children (yes you read that right and it's my hubby's pun so read on), I mean beware on whom you put your faith when selecting what you hope will be a good movie. I WAS going to review this movie (which wasn't perfect, but pretty creepy) and pit it against the current horrorible (yeah I know, if they can make up words like 'demonologist' I can make up words too) movie Annabelle - comparing the two and showing why Dead Silence was so good and Annabelle so freaking awful.

Sorry about the quality - just to 'see' the
doll I had to screw with the picture some...

But a small voice said, "Miss Murder... you suuuuuuck... but you also need to check your facts before you review a movie." That's when I found out that both this movie AND Annabelle were directed by the same  guy - James Wan. Now I don't want to spread nasty rumors, but this guy seems to have a thing for dolls.

Now for those that don't know, there is a very tense scene where all the dolls from this movie are shown. If you've got sharp eyes (and just in case you don't, here's a pic of it for you), you'll notice that on the floor in the front is the Jigsaw doll from Saw, another of Wan's creations. So he gets this:

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! Don't ever do another doll movie, 'kay?

But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle. 

Jamie Ashen and his wife Lisa receive a mysterious ventriloquist doll, "Billy", in an unmarked package. Now the particularly retarded part of this movie is that BOTH of these people were raised in a town called Raven's Fair and knew of the legend of Mary Shaw and her dolls OF DEATH!!!


Nah, they just knew that her children were her dolls and if you see her and scream, you lose your tongue. How quaint. BUT THEY BOTH KNEW THAT and yet getting a doll was blase' to them. Jeez. So the chick goes first, we figured that since the plot is that Jamie has to go to his home town to bury her. Sigh. Apparently Jamie is rich - or at least his father is - so he goes to see him first.

But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.

It doesn't take any kind of expert to see that the dad's obviously dead. They couldn't use makeup? They do on cadavers, why did they have to leave his father looking like he should have been underground weeks ago? So we... get nauseous looking at him?


Following Jamie on his doomed trip is a detective who thinks Jamie killed his wife but needs proof so... why do I bother? The detective is played by Donnie Wahlberg. Do you know what Donnie's gonna be doing this summer (2015)?

But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.

Even with the retarded poem they repeat every ten minutes or so: "Beware the stare of Mary Shaw. She had no children, only dolls. If you see her in your dreams, make sure you never ever scream, or she'll cut your tongue out at the seam."


Oh I'm sorry, that's the poem they quote for the POSTER and the movie. The movie actually keeps repeating: "Beware the stare of Mary Shaw. She had no children, only dolls. And if you see her in your dreams, be sure you never, ever scream (For some reason, she rips out tongues. Lovely.)

So. You get an elaborate history of this crazy woman that you didn't ask for about the puppets you don't care about and why the townspeople got together and murdered her, which you didn't ask.
But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.

Her final wish was to be made into a puppet before she was buried. Ohhhh, I see, there were TWO brilliant puppet makers living in this tiny town? Really? Truly?

But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.


The mortician, when he was a boy, accidentally knocked the coffin over. Shaw's body briefly came to life and approached Henry, but he survived by covering his mouth to keep from screaming; Shaw can only kill her victims when they scream. Why? Uhhhhh.....

But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.


Oh yeah I know why, 'cause before they killed the witch and she magically became a doll herself, they ripped out her tongue. See? Simple. HEY YOU WAKE UP!!!!!

Meh.

But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.


It has two different endings, neither one of them good but, and say it with me people, this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.

Oh, and on your next doctor visit, leave a big, soggy, snot filled rag on the counter next to the receptionist. And sneeze... a LOT. Thank you.

OKAY, OKAY, I'LL TRY THIS GAME OF THRONES SHOW - BRING IT ON. UMMM WAIT, ALL THE GUYS LOOK A LITTLE PUNY - THEY'RE FIGHTING WITH FOAM SWORDS... IN BLUE JEANS AND HOMEMADE COSTUMES... OH DEAR GOD THIS IS A LARP MOVIE!!!






Knights Of Badassdom (2013)

The Pacific Northwest is truly a beautiful place to live. To hear some describe it, it's a cold place of nothing but rain. That's 'cause you don't live here, jerks. It's green, it's beautiful, we have everything from mountains to ski on, rivers to windsurf, and other rivers great for kayaking. We have lots of parks and the trails are so popular, the rescue teams have a really busy season rescuing people who come in from the city and think they can get up a steep mountain just because their StairMaster at home said so (I, of course, do none of those things).


We don't have hurricanes or tornadoes (well, a small funnel or two has been spotted), no earthquakes (maybe a rumble every umpteen years or so) and Mount Saint Helens? Psssh, she's gotten over her lady troubles and hasn't spewed ash since 2008. So we don't mind getting a bit wet now and then.

Hmm? The movie? Sigh, okay if we must. Yes I knew this was a LARP movie - and yes I know what a LARP is, I used to know people who talked to me who were seriously into this kind of thing. Used to. Anywho, I saw the name Peter Dinklage and although I've never seen an episode of Game Of Thrones or read any of the books (It's on HBO which I don't get, and books aren't my friends lately...) I thought this might be good for a larph... umm I mean laugh.


I expected awful and in terms of story and stuff I wasn't disappointed. I was, however, surprised that this movie was not detestable. Although I wanted to hate it for being filmed in Spokane, Washington, I actually kind of enjoyed it. It is silly, it is lacking in clear direction, and those who actually participate in LARP activities may hate it. I laughed a bit, shrugged and took notes.

It was directed by Joe Lynch but don't mention that to him or he'll probably punch you in the face. Apparently things weren't hunky dory in his little kingdom. Pffft. We have three friends who live in one house owned by Eric who's an 'accidental millionaire' (no, they don't explain that) and their house is shaped like a castle, the interior, more of the same. These grown men have been LARPing for years and aren't going to quit anytime soon. Well, at least not for the next 85 minutes.



Now you have to know that this movie, although released in 2013, was actually shot in 2010 so it's been out in the stratosphere for a while. It is interesting to note, however, that the main characters were made to 'train' in the ways of the Force... oops, sorry, the ways of the LARP... no? THEY HAD TO SPEND A DAY PRETENDING THEY WERE REAL MEDIEVAL LARP CHARACTERS IN ORDER TO TRAIN FOR THE MOVIE, OKAY? Wanna guess who the best of them was?


Yup, they said the one who had the best style was Peter Dinklage. So he had a solid resume to continue his career in Game Of Thrones.

So we have the 'millionaire' and full-on nutjob Eric (Steve Zahn) who's frustrated that he's only a 26th level wizard and the 'gamemaster' won't let him advance, Hung (Peter Dinklage) who is well versed with a blade (and the ladies), and Joe (Ryan Kwanten, an Australian actor who starred in True Blood). Of the three it is Joe who is trying to extricate himself from the fantasy and stick to gritty reality - he's a grease monkey, has a girlfriend - whoops, she dumped him, never mind - and his convenient doom metal band (who we never see). Sigh.

Getting, uh, very mellow with his friends, he wakes to find that he is at a LARP gathering and there the movie kind of stalls. Eric brings with him a mystical book he bought on eBay that he uses as a spell book - and finds out it really IS a spell book. With it, he unknowingly raises a succubus. Sigh.


Lame lines that rip off good movie quips plus a lot of bad acting follow ("Excuse me while I whipeth this out.", "There's a fungus among us.") and each group has their own name. They are... uh... do I have to do this? Sigh...


Freakend Warriors
The Medieval Kenevils
Gnomeland Security
Fair-Leather Friends
The Norse Whisperers

I'm beginning to see why Joe Lynch would like to pretend this movie didn't exist.

This is one of those movies I had to watch twice because during my super-funk I watched it, took notes and promptly lost them so let me break down the rest of the movie for you:

The succubus, because Joe had a picture of his ex on him when she was summoned, of course looks exactly like her. She reeks. Uh, I mean she wreaks. Havoc. The first to go (dammit) is Hung, whose heart she shoves through his back and has a hard time trying to get it out through the front again. Ummm, I guess they wanted to really exercise that special effects budget. 

Eric, is told by the 'gamemaster' (Jimmi Simpson) that his book is genuine and written in Enochian...

Okay, don't whine, this will be a short lesson. This has nothing to do with Enoch or The Books of Enoch which are usually accepted as having some historical or theological interest or significance, but they generally regard the Books of Enoch as non-canonical or non-inspired of God. 2 Timothy 3:16, "All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness."

Enochian is a name often applied to an occult or angelic language recorded in the private journals of John Dee and his colleague Edward Kelley in late 16th-century England. Kelley was a spirit medium who worked with Dee in his magical investigations. The men claimed that the language was revealed to them by angels. The language is integral to the practice of Enochian magic.

So. If you have half a brain you know that the words "magic" and "angels" shouldn't even be sharing the same sentence, much less have one be attributed to another, right?

The 'spell' must be sung for whatever reason. People start dying right and left when Eric bungles the spell and actually transforms the succubus into full-on demon form (see previous paragraph). He tries but she turns the book to ashes. Only some stone which was embedded in the spine of the book remains - it apparently being the source of the book's (yaaaaaawn... sorry) power. But there's no spell. Well, I guess it's doom metal to the rescue...

The song is decent, because it was performed by Brendan McCreary - check it out, it's not half bad. So Joe, the non-believer, grabs the stone and his very short, uh, foam stick and "sings" this doom metal song (that he *ahem* wrote with his band) and the stone shoots rays into the demon - plus it summons the dead Hung who did some fancy sword work until the beast ends up a steaming pile on the ground. Yeah. I guess we're through now.

Meh.