HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!!!

Okay, Not Really

Hello dear, faithful readers! It is 2016 and I am desperate to regain the function of my hands enough to continue to make fun of bad horror movies...

The videos have been... well... let's just say I have 20 subscribers and about 1,500 views so growth is slow but steady.





I'm going through yet another major change in medication (You didn't know I was on meds? Really? I thought the reviews made that pretty clear.) and so I am dead, dead, dead.

But.

This blog is my first and major love, and I'm desperate to put out at least the same amount of written reviews as I do the video ones.

So to all you who have still hung in there, read my stuff, and even write me (Nope, I haven't heard a thing from Chris Wylde - bummer.) thank you oh so very much and I'm trying desperately to get my shit together and give you guys the funny, sarcastic, and very amateur horror reviews to get back into the swing of things.

In the meantime, here's a couple more videos...

             

YES, I'M STILL HERE, YES MY HAIR IS BLUE, YES MORE MOVIES ARE COMING, YES I'M WORKING ON MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL, YES..... HUH? WHAT? I SAID MY HAIR IS BLUE. BLUE. BBBLLLUUUEEE!!!

Screw You Facebook!

Yes, this is actually me typing a rather small but long overdue blog about the wheres and whens and whats about the last month or so...

Brief review: In March, Facebook decided to lump me in with admittedly good company and dumped me as being 'fake' along with quite a few other Native Americans. It's not just us though - they've 'spread the net' so to speak and included new groups as well as those they've already harassed: The LGBT community, some authors and television and YouTube personalities, people who's names sound 'suspicious', and anyone who's been 'anonymously' reported. 


Right now it seems their focus is to piss off just about the whole world as their pious no-that's-not-a-name declaration is now including religious groups and people who have last names that couldn't possibly be real, like Avatar. Or Shoy. Or Jemmaroid Von Laalaa. That is not a joke people. A woman from London was using the name on her account when it was whacked. So she did the normal, realistic, logical thing: She changed her real name to the one on her account. Did she get her FB account back? Nope. Has she gotten her REAL name back yet? And how much did it all cost her?

For a while I rebelled and I worked HARD. I put up tons of false accounts (Hey if they violate my rights, I can violate their policy, right?) which took only minutes to set up but hours to check all the accounts and 'maintain' them so they had some sort of activity on them. They were up for months - some for almost a year - until I got a little too smart and put up a video encouraging others to do the same. Sure enough, within 48 hours all but two of the accounts were gone. I had a 'Native American' account (I called it Native Zuckerberg for chuckles) that I attached a page with all the articles I could find:

https://www.facebook.com/Native-American-Names-Are-Fake-Says-FB-Zuckerberg-804211789664135/timeline/

Now the only reason it's still up is that I saw a YouTube video (there's starting to be a lot of them) of a small media company asking if anyone knew how to retrieve their accounts (sorry dude, they're gone) and thought hmm, if they kick off the Native account... good thing too 'cause I would have lost all of that work. 


But you know what? Zuckerberg's focus is on a 'dislike' button and making people who set up events know when their 'friends' look at the event to see who's ignoring them and hate their guts forever. That's just too exhausting to keep up on, so I've taken a break from all that. Besides, I don't use Facebook anymore (except for the Native page) so why should I keep fighting? It isn't like any of my 'friends' have protested for me. And as you can see above, my overseas audience hasn't suffered much from the split so... screw you Zuckerberg and your pilfered program. Your time is swiftly coming to an end anyway idiot.


So. What's up? Well, I needed a change. A BIG change. And so...

C'mon, admit it - you're not really surprised, right? So with my new, uh, look I've been working hard on building up my YouTube web site. It's been handy during the triple degree heat when my fingers simply refused to do much of anything I told them to. It takes a LOOOOOONG time though. There's me doing the review (usually without a script, I like making up jokes on the fly), then editing it on my software, uploading it to YouTube (a video of approx. 15 minutes long can take two hours to upload), then I edit it AGAIN with their software and finally... splat. They're up. My 'subscription' list is very short, as are my views but hey, I'm up to 1,500 views and that's, well, about 1,400 views more than I thought I'd ever have.

So if you're feeling adventurous (and my fingers continue to rebel), head on over to my channel. I'm currently working on a BooHoo Hulu Review Craptacular Marathon (breaking it into pieces though so it won't be an hour long) so come on over to: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzMdloAsYemEgugm9wXQDyA

And, as always, thank you for continuing to read my blog, send comments my way (not you Chris Wylde, you're still grounded young man until you can keep a civil tongue in your head) and hopefully either my hands will work better or I'll hire some kid who can type 120 words a minute with two fingers and is willing to be paid in Red Bull to get my notes on this blog...

SHE'S DEAD! SHE'S DEAD! SHE'S... OH WAIT, HERE SHE IS...

Working Two Jobs Is Cwazy...

Yes faithful ones it is I, Miss Murder, returned from the grave to... wait a minute. If I was dead then alive again I'd be a remnant and have to hang around Chris Wylde nononononononononononno....

I think I'll choose to stay alive, thank you. Anywho, I've been working on my new YouTube channel (How do you change the name on those things? I'd like it to say Miss Murder, but...) so as you've noticed, new entries here have been almost non-existent. Sorry.

I say sorry in my life a lot. Sorry 'cause I have fibro and can't function most of the time, but at the same time can't seem to die dammit, sorry I got a freaking dog breed wrong in a movie review, sorry to Chris Wylde for even mentioning a movie - no, make that TWO movies that he's been in and assure his wife I'm not some clinging Girl Fan that's going to show up at his house at three in the morning crying and begging him to see me.

Okay the last half of that paragraph was total bullshit. Sorry Chris. Or Mr. Wylde. Or Santa Claus. Whoever the hell I was talking to...

Obviously this is not a movie day although movie days are really, really late. Sorry for.... ah dammit, just take every paragraph I type and mentally say 'sorry' and we'll get this done much faster.

Sooooo... this is going to be about a recent event we had considering upping the security of our credit/bank/money - everything. My husband had heard commercials featuring both the NRA and Rush Limburger... umm Limbaugh (well, the way he looks he probably SMELLS like limburger) promoting a service called Lifecock. Apparently if you pay Lifecock your money they will protect your money. So he asked me about Lifecock and I decided to look it up and see what reputation Lifecock has with keeping people's money safe.

I couldn't find it. I used Google and everything was JUST DISGUSTING AS HELL. So I looked for an ad on TV. Whoops, sorry again folks. LIFE LOCK is the business I was supposed to be looking at. But, no surprise to me, it wasn't much better.

I finally decided to skip all the company assessment sites and went straight to the BBB. That's Better Business Bureau to keep us all straight. So this is Life Lock's customers who had to go to the BBB to report the LL buzzards. Funny, the cases were separated in categories of Positive, Neutral, and Negative. Why would positive reviews be on the BBB? 'Cause those people had to contact 'em to settle a problem and apparently they did. I guess. And I can print these if I want to because they're on a public website, so there! Oh yeah, I left all the language, bad spelling and grammar too, 'cause it's funny that these people are the ones who were SMART enough to contact the BBB...


Positive Experience (3 reviews)

2/8/2014: I have been with Lifer Lock for 1 year. I live in South carolina and last year their Department of Revenue (what a surprise) was hacked. Because of the the state was offering free credit monitoring. Mt attitude was when something is for free, it is not really the best, so I joined life lock. I recemntly increased my credit line with a company who asked if is was ok to acess my credit report which I gave permission for. Three days later I had an email and snail mail that ny credit report was acessed and that I should contact them to advise if it was legitimate. 

So kudos to Lifelock. I just renewed my membership and the only negative is that I had to scour the internet for a promo code to obtain the discount for another year. I find and some of the codes were not valid according to lifelock. The agent blamed it on the sales department. I am happy with the service but find the begging for the promo codes a little demeaning. But I do recommend the company, just research out the cost, it is the responsibilioty of the consumer.


1/29/2014: We have been with LifeLock for several years. If account is 100% set up and all info provided; as we did, protection is provided. We have been notified each time our info has been used. We are happy with LifeLock and know others who; when taking the time to set it up, are just as happy.


2/14/2013: I would highly recommend Lifelock, Inc. to anyone that has had an identity issue. I have been with them for the past two years. They are always helpful when calling their customer service department.


Neutral Experience (2 reviews)

10/29/2014: I decided that I would not renew for another year with Lifelock and contacted them. I was told by the rep that my account was flagged to not auto renew per my request. Ironic that the only unauthorized charge on my credit this year was from the company I had hired to protect me from this kind of thing. I just got off the phone with them and my account has been cancelled with the promise of reversal of charges on my credit card within 3 to 7 business days. They alerted me when ******* ran my credit to open an account, but that wasn't worth the yearly fee in my opinion. Neutral at this point about them.

9/26/2014: I was a Lifelock member for the entire year. When my renewal letter came in, I decided to cancel my service. Lifelock cancelled the service about a week prior to the end of the year that I already paid for. FORTY EIGHT HOURS after they cancelled my membership, My identity was stolen, My bank accounts hacked and over $3,700.00 transferred out of my account. 

Is that a coincidence that 48 hours after they cancelled my membership, which was prematurely cancelled. I paid up through October 4th and they cancelled it on Sept 20th. On Sept 22, I was a victim of identity theft. I think lifelock had something to do with this. I don't trust the company. The entire year nothing happened and then 2 days after a cancellation I got hacked? Im not buying it, not am I buying lifelock ever!

Negative Experience (30 reviews)

5/29/2015: Worse customer service ever. I don't think education is a very high priority with the people out there. No common sense. I received information that my mother was going to have the account renewed. She no longer needs this service, as I am taking over her matters as I am her POA. I called and spent 15 minutes on hold to obtain a fax number to sent the POA. I could never get the fax to work no matter what time of day it was. So I mailed a copy of our POA and a request to stop service. 

Never heard a word. Followed up a week later and was told I needed to submit THEIR POA. I was never told that on the phone when I spoke to the guy who gave me the fax number. I was on the phone numerous times trying to get this resolved. I have threatened legal action to know avail. Will probably have to go through with it. I just faxed the POA today and the faxed worked. Need to do that before 7:30 am CT. I think they shut it off after that. 

I am also mailing a copy of their POA. I will do so Certified Mail. I doubt very much that this company even watches over your accounts. I think they just collect the fee and sit on it. Do not ever submit your credit card information to them. They will take it and run.


5/21/2015: I made 3 calls today into their customer service line. The first woman that I spoke to was pleasant (or so I thought so). After not having called for customer service in a couple years, who would remember all the security questions. I was told that I would have to send in documentation supporting I am who I say I am, but no information on how other than fax. 

Who owns a fax machine anymore? I called back in, a different woman, to see if there was anything I could do, again provide documentation of who I am, but no method of how. At this point, I log into the account as the primary account holder (my wife) so I can update the billing information. While looking, I notice I did answer the questions (last four of the card number and other members on the account) correctly. This got me a little fired up... I called a third time, and a man answered this time. 

After he told me that he wasn't able to access my account, I asked him what do I need to access the account, he said documentation...I asked a bit more firm and direct being the third call and all. "What the **** do I need to do" I asked. He replies with "already told you, with documentation, processing will take awhile". But still no method of what is really needed or where to send it, not that I would send my private information anyway. 

I then advised I will cancel the account online. he was kind enough to say you can't...Wow, what customer service! You would think a company that is meant to protect others would be a little more helpful. I am now going to cancel my account on this accord.


4/30/2015: Please read *** *. 9-26-2014 review, I just experienced horrible customer service. I originally called to renew asked about any discounts like Aaa she said I can give you 20% but I need your *** number give it to her she said I'm having problems putting the discount and puts me on hold and then said I can give you a discount but it's a different discount but it's only 15% I said let me call you back and I'll call *** check on my membership number. 

I called *** number the same and called my flight back then they told me my subscription is active I just paid, I said I didn't authorize any payment and she told me I upgraded my plan which was considerably more than my original plan I asked her what's the difference she couldn't really tell me that I asked for a transaction confirmation number she said she couldn't give me one and the numbers she was giving me were constantly different then I got passed onto two different supervisors and said all I want is a transaction number you can't give me a transaction number I want to cancel the credit card payment. 

The supervisor said that he would have to cancel my membership and then that would trigger a refund per their antiquated billing system I said that was absurd as I am in finance department of a large corporation for over 20 years and have experience with transactions. I said I will review the different plan that I didn't originally authorize and call you back but my first thought was what this *** * comment was that these people have all my information and are quite capable of doing considerable home tonight finances and after the last supervisor said he will definitely put extremely detailed notations on my account and said I agreed to the original transaction. 

I said I have lost all faith and confidence in this company's ability to handle my financial security very scary I can see where they would jeopardize in order to gain the business back very unhappy. And on top of not being happy they process the payment that I didn't authorize and said they were unable to reverse the transaction.

Note: I think I'll spare you the rest - they just get worse and worse...

Just one more thing about this, uh, troubled company:

http://americasmarkets.usatoday.com/2015/07/21/lifelock-tanks-40-on-ftc-slapdown/

Printed on July 21, 2015 the gist of the article is that the stocks of this company are in biiiiig trouble 'cause LL was caught violating a 2010 order by the FTC that already cost them $12 million in fines... yikes! Yeah, you keep pushing their ads on your show Rush Limbaugh...

                      

CAN I BABBLE? OH BOY CAN I BABBLE!!!

My New YouTube Channel

My dear ones I have not neglected you, honest! Between being sick (which I will be complaining bitterly to my doc today as, you guessed it, I wasn't sick until I went to their office) and setting up and getting up the nerve to appear before the camera has kept me pretty busy - but new movies are coming and I hope to be back with you soon.

In the meantime I'd like to put here a couple of rants, one mad, one funny - just as a sample of what I'm doing. Enjoy!

This is my experience of getting kicked off of Facebook for being Native American...


This is my HILARIOUS experience with a a certain actor who did not appreciate my, um, lack of appreciation for his talents...

                      

I SALUTE YOUR SOLUTION (BUT NOT YOUR LANGUAGE), AND YES I KNOW THIS MAKES NO SENSE, JUST KEEP READING...

The DUFF (2015)

I can imagine the horrified looks on your faces as you realize I'm about to review a PG-13 teenage romcom about 20-something high school kids and how they can be cruel to each other. No, really. Teenagers are mean, they really are - 'cause movies say so. Oh and by the way, since I forgot to mention it when I posted this, DUFF stands for Designated Ugly Fat Friend. Nice.

So what the hell man? Why am I attempting to review something that I usually would pay money to NOT have to see? Well, there's a story here that will probably be longer than the review but stay with me, it's pretty funny. At least I thought so, and it made for one fun weekend.

Salute Your Solution

By Jack White and the Raconteurs

I think I gave a lot of problems my consideration...
...But not for me they always seem to be for someone else
I find myself just looking worthy of my best intentions
Ignoring any kinda pause I might receive at all
All others seem to find a road that's tough to satisfaction
I find a ridicule that isn't cool for me at all

And I got what I got all despite you
And I get what I get just to spite you

Now to start, being a 'movie critic' is not for those who want to be popular. Just the two words put together can get you the most horrible looks, not to mention comments. But I'm just one tiny fish in a large ocean, so nasty comments are very few. Usually if someone happens to read a review of mine of something they were involved in, they take the good, they take the bad, they take them both and there you have the facts of life... sorry 'bout that. My brain has been on massive duh mode for a long time now.

I've screwed up before, and will admit it publicly. I remember one film from the UK that I liked because it had a different kind of feel, and cool camera work (which I usually don't comment on) but I TOTALLY got the name of the actress wrong. Like, I wasn't even close. Someone from the film actually read the review and told me - so immediately I wrote of my mistake and corrected it, thanking the person on my blog for letting me know. I was actually kind of tickled that they read it.

Old horror movies are usually no problem - either because people don't have strong opinions about them one way or another or (sorry) the principle people involved are all dead. But newer horror films? Do the ones involved with those read my reviews? Nope. Um, wait, I mean not usually. Now this is MY freaking blog, so if someone takes umbrage with my opinion, too damn bad. My opinion is MINE and I'm keeping it, popular or not. 

Mr. Wylde says shut up... whoops, sorry, that's
Torgo. (True bad horror fans know him very well.)

So... the weekend was not kind to me. Instead of finishing the movie I have to clean up and publish, plus the stack of really REALLY bad horror movies that I was going to do in a kind of Crapathon, I was laid out and feeling pretty dead. Sometimes I wonder if instead of Fibromyalgia I've actually got Narcolepsy or I-Don't-Give-A-Damn disease. But I try, even if it's just for a little while, to check things out at night before taking my evening pills and crawling back into bed. I had a message from someone I didn't know that said... umm... let's just say it was three words, and invited me to perform a sexual act on myself.

Chris Wylde

Totally perplexed (and giggling a little) I learned who this message was from and what movie it was referring to. Turns out it was actor Chris Wylde, who starred in the movie The Revenant (2009) that I had reviewed in December of 2013. I can't remember movies I reviewed last MONTH. So I read the review again and my giggling got a bit louder. Safe to say that Mr. Wylde was pissed for a pretty good reason - in the review I stated I wished his character dead instantly. Somehow actors don't like that. 

If you want to read the whole thing, look up the review. He said I wasn't a "real" critic, and that the "real" critics on Rotten Tomatoes liked it. Well, 50% anyway. Does that mean that only half of their critics are real? (rim shot)

To be fair, Chris Wylde is liked by a lot of people. And, again to be fair (this time), the movie I ripped to pieces so brilliantly DID receive accolades and he himself won an award for his performance. But I personally didn't like the movie and I stand by that. However I also didn't want to "fight" with anybody, and hoped to bring this situation to a, shall we say, more civil conclusion? 

I'm not sure if I succeeded or not. I really wish it had been one of the "up" weekends where my brain works and I'm able to do things for more than a few minutes at a time. I did have a freaking good time exchanging barbs with him - I really hope he realized that during our tête–à–tête (yes I know that means private conversation but I like the word) I was figuratively beating him with a sponge, not a rock. But I'm extending an olive branch here and decided to check out his newest movie The DUFF, but I do not promise to give a good review just because a cute and famous guy verbally jousted with me. And here we go:

The DUFF (2015): So as with all teenage stories, no one in this movie appears to be under 21, so what, are you going to kiss this Wylde guy's ass now just because he swore at you AND you're going to call him cute?


Dammit hubby, I told you not to touch my stuff while I'm in the bathroom. And enough with The Simpsons jokes. Besides, how bad can it be? Okay, okay I'll watch a couple of trailersohmygod somebody shoot me now PLEASE! 


Maybe I can pop a couple of tabs of acid and re-watch The Remaining or The Reverend, or whatever the hell that movie was called and do an all-out sweet review. No, unfortunately the combination of my great powers of prose that works only intermittently and my diminishing brain power are not strong enough for either street drugs or fake reviews. Dammit. 

I've revised this twice now, once 'cause the hubby wanted a Simpsons Duff picture and I picked the wrong one (of course), then again when I found the right one, I thought what he was trying to say was no matter how we look on the outside we all come from the same place. Nope, wrong again (and you're not surprised). What he MEANT was that all these teen movies, although they have different titles, are all the same crap. Actually both analyses are pretty damned accurate.

Y'all know my horror movie worksheet (patent pending), right? This ain't officially a horror movie but it scared the shit out of me - AND my worksheet was completed just by watching the incredibly awful trailers. 

Here's the movie in one sentence (without watching the film and no peeking at the wiki - I promise): 

A movie-ugly girl asks a popular boy to make her movie-gorgeous and she'll help him pass a class, there's all kinds of dumb jokes and tearful moments about girls and what bitches they are in high school, but in the end, the MU girl is now MG and the popular boy now wants to be her boyfriend and everyone learns an important lesson - no, wait, they don't. 

Every high school is the same. It was the same when I went, it was the same when my husband went and it will be the same when somebody else's kids and grandkids (we have neither) go.


So let's see the movie and find if my guesses were true or false (search your feelings, you know it to be true). We've got cute as hell Bianca (Mae Whitman) but uh-oh, trouble. She doesn't have her hair up or wear glasses but she does wear OVERALLS and REGULAR CLOTHES and the kind of makeup they use in movies that makes it look like you don't WEAR makeup. Eek, and she's shorter than her friends so she's got to be the MU girl. True? DING!!!

A friend of Bianca (I saw the term "man-whore" a lot when looking around afterward, WTH?) when they were small but friend no more because of his popular status, Wes (Robbie Amell) is the football star who's in danger of being cut because he's flunking science (her best class). He agrees to help her dress better and get more popular if she helps him pass the class. Though they hate each other, in the end, they fall in love each other. True? DING!!!

And the rest... are of course the popular bitches. They wear expensive clothes and makeup and carry their iPhones around like they're glued to their hands. Oh, and they're all taller (or at least wear high heeled shoes). You can't be MG unless you meet a minimum height. True? DING!!!

After some more conflict, we get down to the payoff which has to be very public so the whole school can watch. Let's guess, oh, a dance. Bianca shows up at the dance so incredibly MG that Wes dumps his popular girlfriend Madison (Bella Thorne) and he and Bianca dance happily into the credits. True? DING!!!


Huh. Looks like I'm gonna get cussed out some more. I thought geez, the woman who wrote this was supposed to tell a visceral account of a teenager's angst? It's just another formulaic version of many other teen angst movies that have cluttered up the movie screen for years. Sort of. This was not entirely author Kody Keplinger's fault. Apparently the book she wrote is waaaay different from the movie. Duh.

In the book there's sex. Lots of it. A frenemies with benefits kind of thing. That doesn't really translate to either comedy or a PG-13 rating. They also took great liberties with the plot, adding characters, taking away characters, and adding numerous social media references to the script (Facebook, Twitter, etc.) since the book was written in 2010 and this is 2015. 

If there is anything genuine and realistic about this book, it's the fact that the author actually wrote it when she was a senior in high school, at the age of 17. And while she is beautiful, I bet she was NOT considered the MG girl in her class.

Now THAT is freaking genuine - But I wonder if she really was as happy about the changes they made to her true-to-life account of the woes of a misfit teenager as she appears?

Sooo... what have we learned here today class? One, Miss Murder is not a bedtime story lady, she is a cranky critic whose whole intent of starting a blog was to cut apart and make fun of horror films, bad or (supposedly) good, not watch romcoms that are incredibly unrealistic.

Two, Miss Murder, while not liking to be cussed and 'yelled' at, will not change her blog. Now Facebook says I'm not real. I shit you not. I've told you guys how I was kicked off for being Native American and since two groups were targeted (the other was the LGBT community) I, of course, belong to the one that doesn't garner a whole lot of media attention. I lost that one - and the account I had for over five years.

NOW apparently I'm not a 'real' critic. Okay, if there's a club or a guild or something that you have to sign up for, then I'm not 'official' but I AM real. My birth certificate says so, at least. And I'm going back to bed.

Oh and Mr. Wylde? Thanks for trying to tell me how awful and imperfect I am but honey, I already knew that.






                      

I WOULDN'T WISH THIS MOVIE ON MY WORST ENEMY... BUT YOU CAN IF YOU WANT TO...






The Revenant (2009)

I was really looking forward to this movie. A zombie buddy picture, a horror/comedy about a soldier dying in battle who 'revives' after being brought home in a box, who then joins his best friend to be the good guys. 'Keeping the streets of L.A. safe for the undead' I believe is one way they put it. Massive BS on that. This foul mouthed duo needed to lie down and stay dead. First we have Bart, a soldier fighting overseas in a Country no one seems to agree on - I read in three different places Iran, Iraq and Afghanistan. 

Sorry to tell you kiddies, but even I (being geographically ignorant) know that these are three DIFFERENT COUNTRIES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. So where was he? I had to go back to the film (and I REALLY didn't want to) to find out he was - in the Rumaila Oil Fields, Basra, Iraq. SO THERE, YOU PEOPLE WHO THINK ANY COUNTRY WITH SAND IS INTERCHANGABLE. Whew, sorry but this movie brings out the massive jerk in you. Probably because the two 'heroes' in this movie are massive jerks. They may be friends but that doesn't make them good ones.


Okay, lets find something good to say about this movie. This should take about a minute. The makeup and gore and special effects were outstanding. Just looking at the makeup work on the main two characters made me wince - those contact lenses must've hurt like a bitch and I'll bet they spent half of the day in a chair getting that latex right. 

So what if Bart's facial injuries, scars and even skin texture changed from scene to scene? Did we expect better? Excellent effects sometimes means sacrificing continuity. Watch Evil Dead. Please. 'Cause this movie really, really sucks.

And the basic premise for the story was a good one - a fallen soldier and his friend go against the 'creatures of the night' so to speak to clean up the streets. Groovy.

Now the bad. This is going to take a while. No, you know what? It doesn't deserve that much. Yeah the makeup was good and so was the premise but the delivery, the length of the film (110 minutes), the juvenile language (Geez, do you guys know any words longer than four letters?) and the fact that these two are HORRIBLE people from start to end just ruined anything they did - you just wanted this piece of crap to end.

The soldier, Bart (David Anders), dies because he is a dumbass - an insult to the real soldiers deployed in foreign countries. Adding insult to injury, he causes the death of his squad. This is our hero? Granted, he thought he hit a small child with their vehicle (I'm wondering if that kid didn't start the infection) but when it's dark and you have orders and the lives of your comrades at stake you don't just say 'I'm gonna go out in the dark and see what's out there.' Blammo. Lots of people waiting with rifles idiot. Then for whatever reason it takes a month from the time he dies to the time he's buried. So he stinks. In more ways than one.

Funeral, burial, people drinking in the bar talking about their hero. His best friend Joey (Chris Wylde who I wanted dead in the worst way) 'comforts' Bart's girlfriend by sleeping with her. Nice. That night Bart 'wakes up', gets out of his box and finds his buddy.


Lots of bad language, lots of juvenile stunts, more language, typical zombie stuff like vomiting black goop all over everything, more bad language, both yelling at each other, more vomiting. So they do the natural thing - they go out to party. 


At the liquor store they encounter a stereotypical gangbanger (the stereotypes fly fast and loose in this crapfest) and he and Bart face off, both shooting the other. Bart gets up of course, and finds some quick nourishment feeding off of the dead dude's blood. So he doesn't do the taffy pull, doesn't pull off and chew on legs or arms, just eats blood.

Joey looks this up and decides that Bart is a revenant, a person who has returned, supposedly from the dead. Duh. Zombie. Ghoul. Revenant. Whatever. It doesn't make him any smarter. Although he becomes like the real dead during the day, sunlight doesn't hurt him. And this little tidbit works against this freaking movie later.

After playing like they're in a Tarantino movie for a while (shooting, sucking blood, chopping up the bodies - or not - then dumping them in the river) Joey gets in front of a bullet. Whoops. So Bart 'infects' him. After stinking up the place for, I guess, a month, Joey gets up and now both are sucking (literally and figuratively) and the bodies are piling up.

Small problem. These 'revenants' do not get destroyed as easily as they think. The original gangbanger who they chopped up and threw in the river returns, sewed together, bloated and pissed off. He captures Joey, cuts him up and sends Bart his head. Still um, alive. I'm not going to describe the scene of how he enables Joey to talk but he is asked to kill him so he takes a huge ass piece of machinery and runs over the head. Nice splat and squish by the way. The effects and gore were pretty good. If they could have cut the movie to just show those, they might have had something.



Instead we're tortured with more crap - Bart trying to kill himself which doesn't work, Bart and all the other he 'infected' being captured by the military and prepared for war. In capsules reminiscent of those in The Return Of The Living Dead the revenants are packed (if there's just enough of them to be mobile, they're usable I guess) and they are dropped over Khuzestan Province, Iran. 









That's where this sorry piece of... cinema makes its final mistake. These guys are REALLY DEAD during the day. It shows them being dropped in the daytime - yet we get one last woebegotten glance at Bart as he contemplates his immediate future. Uh, he's not supposed to be awake, remember? No no, don't fix it, just run the credits pretty pretty please...

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