WHY I HATE HOME INVASION MOVIES SO, SO MUCH... BUT I KIND OF LIKED THIS ONE. GO FIGURE.



You're A Dumbass - What, That's Not It? Okay, Okay, Don't Get Testy...

You're Next (2011)

In a word? Stupid. I hate home invasion movies because they're stupid. The setup is stupid, the family is usually stupid, and you have to endure 90 some minutes of stupid people trying to kill more stupid people for stupid reasons. Stupid. Notice I didn't say DUH? That's 'cause home invasion movies are a special kind of stupid that insults the DUH formula. Stupid.

Okay, so maybe I was a little hasty...

Oh, and you film maker people who think you're sooooo clever to use loud and annoying brass sections to promote tension? I HATE TUBAS!!! I don't know anybody who would sit and listen to a concert mostly featuring tubas (or any other large brass instrument for that matter). KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF! That's called irritation, not tension.

C'mon, this is a bed and breakfast, not a house, right?

Buuuuut.... this one had parts that were almost good, gory, and (dare I say it), funny? So I'll be telling you about it but if you want to watch it first, better do it 'cause, you know, spoilers. It is currently streaming on Netflix (who advertised it like it was handed directly down to them from God or something...).

Adam Wingard does a decent job of taking this movie and making it into something a bit different. You've got some good gore, even a bit of comedy with an ending both predictable and yet satisfying. Watch it knowing you're not just going to be seeing a copy of 'The Strangers' or 'The Purge'.

Now let's all hold hands before
we start killing each other...

This is about a family I wanted dead when they first sat down to dinner, and I wanted them dead FAST. And why not? This is a story where the family shows up at a huuuuge house nobody normal owns anywhere ever for their parent's anniversary. The front door is actually open when the parents first show up, although the house has not been used in quite a while. But the movie has to start so the father shrugs and goes in anyway. THEY. WILL. DIE.

I feel like I'm being watched... good
 thing we live in the middle of nowhere...

It's covered in dust and sheets and yet one woman working by herself manages not only to clean this monstrosity, she has a ten-course dinner ready to eat although there are no maids, cooks or other help - and these people are NOT the self-sufficient kind so, yeah, STUPID. They don't even know that the only neighbor they have for miles is dead because... uh... they just don't care I guess.

Okay, we have to wait out here HOW long?

So it was obvious that I wasn't going to get deaths fast - this movie is 94 irritating minutes long. One of the family members has a girlfriend who has an Australian accent. That instantly told me that she's gonna be important in that 'I'm not a stupid American so I'm gonna survive' kind of way. 

Yes folks, we have a winner...

Aaaaand my horror movie worksheet (patent pending) was pretty much finished before 20 minutes of the movie had gone by. All I needed was the order of deaths, and maybe where the gore got good (not great, but there were some good shots). And some humor believe it or not.


This was another one of those movies that seemed to polarize people's opinions. Critics either thought it was the wittiest, neatest, twistiest home invasion movie around - or they thought it was the dumbest, most predictable, biggest waste of time around. Guess which direction I was leaning? 

Although I got a chuckle or two from some Stooges-worthy funny bits (violent, but funny) and Home Alone material they ripped off, mostly I was heaving sighs at the impossibility yet predictability of the whole thing. Okay first - Mousketeer Roll Call!

Okay, okay, that's enough child labor violations and potential child molesters...

'YOU'RE NEXT' ROLL CALL!!! Here's our list: Erin, the gal with the accent and the surety of living through this movie (Sharni Vinson), her milquetoast boyfriend (look it up) Crispian (A. J. Bowen), his parents Aubrey (Barbara Crampton) and Paul (Rob Moran), his brother, Drake (Joe Swanberg), Drake's wife, Kelly (Margaret Laney), his other brother, Felix (Nicholas Tucci), Felix's girlfriend Zee (Wendy Glenn), and his younger sister Aimee (Amy Seimetz) and her boyfriend, Tariq-don't-get-too-attached-to-him-wink-wink (Ti West).

Would you guys WAIT - I'm getting to you!

This huuuuge house is dad's 'retirement project' since he retired from a defense contractor with an 'insane severance package' and is ridiculously wealthy, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with the house - it's perfect. STUPID.

Rice Crispies... err, I mean Crispian and his girlfriend Erin show up the first night, the rest show up the next day for their parent's 35 year anniversary. Now this is supposed to be the first time they've gathered together in a long time, but on the mantel is a picture that was obviously taken within the past week. STUPID. All sit down for the big dinner that nobody could have made in time and it takes them a good, oh, two or three minutes to start fighting...

What? Do I have something in my teeth?

What a surprise. This family hates each other. THEY. WILL. DIE.

Our first victim: While the others bicker, Tariq inexplicably looks out the window and thinks he sees something (Even though the light inside would make it impossible to see through the darkness outside - try it. Just see your own room, don't cha?) so he walks up to it. He did see something (says the script). A crossbow apparently, because as he turns around, a wooden arrow is penetrating his skull. Hmm, they must have borrowed arrows from Cotton Mouth Joe. "Who?", you ask? Don't. That's in another review.

And let's not dwell on the fact that NOBODY heard the glass break - AND the fact that the window would have shattered, not have a small piece tinkle to the floor from the arrow, or we'll be here forever.

Yeah, let's send the girl out with the killers, good idea!

Another arrow comes through the window and gets Drake in the back - but he lives. Now all are scrambling to get away from the table, because obviously the food pisses somebody off so... yeah. 

All check their cell phones and we get a small change in the normal horror movie rule book - instead of no signal because they're in a horror movie, they guess that somebody has a jammer - illegal but available on the internet (thanks for that information guys).

Erin decides to send a 911 text (You can do that?) and when it doesn't go through, she sets her phone to keep trying (don't ask me if that actually works, I've got a dumb phone).

So they send out Aimee 'cause, you know, anyone named Aimee deserves to die. Just kidding, look at my name - I'm the last to throw any stones. But her efforts are for naught and so is her throat when she hits the wire strung tight across the doorway. That's three.

Erin springs into action to the puzzlement of the others - she seems to know just what to do. I wouldn't mind having her around during the big ZA. While she does that, the grieving mother goes upstairs to take a nap. Bad idea. A waiting intruder in a mask (there's a tiger, a lamb and a fox) is there to stab her with a huge machete. Kind of overkill for an older lady... meh. And he leaves it there. How many did they bring with them anyway?

Home Depot must sell these by the dozen...

Kelly discovers her, panics and runs next door to the (dead) neighbor's house. A killer has followed her however, so she's shoved through the glass door then gets an ax to the head. These guys have really good arm strength - axes and knives in skulls? That's hard to do. Mind you, I'm not speaking from experience...

Crispian discovers their cars are disabled and flees the property on foot to seek help (wink-wink). Erin is attacked but kicks the attacker in the balls (remember ladies, it's balls and eyes - always) and makes sure to kill him A LOT with a meat tenderizer. I guess he's ready to cook. Paul finds that the intruders have been in the house for a while. There are pee bottles (ewww, c'mon, the place had a billion bathrooms, massive DUH), food, sleeping bags... but alas, his time is done.

Which 'cut' do you want.... what? Why are you groaning?

In front of his son Felix and girlfriend Zee, his throat is cut. Felix is pissed. Because he loves his dad? Nah, because the masked whosawhatsiz killed his dad in front of him and he got blood on his face. See, they wanted the family money now instead of waiting for an inheritance and so maneuvered this little shindig. Massive DUH.

Erin and Drake are attacked by another of the masked whosawhatsiz but Erin stabs him in the shoulder and he jumps out the window. Erin and Zee (pretending to help) set up some traps they learned from watching Home Alone. Just kidding. Erin confides to Zee that her father raised her in the Outback in Australia in a survivalist camp, her mom moving her to the US when she was 15. 

Yeah, just die already!

Felix and Drake go to the basement where Felix stabs Drake to death with many screwdrivers. This was definitely my favorite line in the movie: Felix has stabbed Drake a billion times but Drake just stands there and looks at him so Felix finally says, "Would you just die already? This is hard enough for me." I think I peed a little from laughing.

Erin goes upstairs to find Paul, but discovers his dead body and is attacked by a masked whosawhatsiz. She escapes by jumping out of the window, impaling her leg on glass. She runs anyway, is attacked again, but manages to get back into the house for some reason. I guess she thinks she can save the rest. She finds a place to hide and thus hears the whole movie plot in a convenient sentence or two.

Her hiding place is found out, however, when the text she sent to 911 has now gone through, the return message saying they're on their way making enough noise for the others to hear.

...Wouldn't that guy stink by now?...

She is attacked and kills another masked whosawhatsiz with a screwdriver to the head. Now we have a quick trap-set-up-montage for the other three... or is it four...

Felix and Zee take off with the crossbow - the one masked whosawhatsiz left alive goes into house to get her... he has a machete, in the dark. She has a camera to 'flash' in order to see... but the flash was on 'auto' to draw him to it, so he walks by her and she clobbers him with a log and bashes his head in. She's really good at bashing heads.

Just wait, this isn't the good part...

She's hurt, covered in blood, and Felix gets her with the crossbow - doesn't slow her down a bit. Probably because the idiot missed. Getting back to the kitchen, she grabs Zee who's trying to use the last arrow on her when Felix comes in - she throws a pan of liquid on the stove at him but it wasn't hot - didn't prevent him from slipping though - are we supposed to laugh?

...this is...

Well I did at the next part which wins my 'Most original kill in a dumbass home invasion film' award: She's attacked by Felix yet again and so she grabs the blender and breaks it on his head, plugs it in and turns it upside down...

Pfffft... ahem. Sorry, almost peed a little again. I've got to see a doctor about that. Anywho, with the boyfriend getting scrambled brains, the girlfriend gets yet another of Erin's knives to the top of her head. Then Erin hears Felix' telephone ringing. She answers without speaking...

Yup, it's snap, crackle, and pop. Umm, I mean it's Crispian, asking if all the icky parts are over so he can come back inside. See, he's a pacifist (apparently that means I won't kill you but I'll pay someone else to do it) and can't stand the sight of blood. He wonders why Felix doesn't answer, and sees a very bloody Erin as he comes inside. 

He stammers an excuse about how she was supposed to be totally unharmed, the only witness alive with a 'clean record' (?!?) to tell the police about the 'unknown' intruders killing everybody. He then finishes his explanation with my second most favorite line in the movie:

"How were we supposed to know that you were really good at killing people?"

She responds calmly and properly... by stabbing him in the throat. And gets shot for her troubles - the boys in blue have finally come. 

Right between his beady little eyes...

Uh, scratch that. ONE police officer showed up, looked in a broken window and immediately assumed this was all Erin's fault and shot her - in the shoulder, natch. He then calls for backup (?!?) and starts to come in the front door. Erin yells for him to stop, having booby-trapped it but...

I'm sure John Hughes is revolcarse en la tumba. Whaddya mean who the hell is John Hughes? You're obviously up waaay past your bedtime. Get going and don't forget to BRUSH YOUR TEETH!

                        

HOLY CRAP THIS MOVIE WAS SO BAD THAT NETFLIX OWES ME AT LEAST A MONTH FREE BECAUSE IT'S GONNA TAKE A MONTH TO GET MY EYESIGHT (AND MY APPETITE) BACK...

Ahí Va El Diablo aka Here Comes The Devil (2012) Mexico

This movie was a Mexican-Spanish movie, dubbed into English. It was shot in Tijuana and Baja California, financed by the US, and released at the Toronto international Film Festival. Although it won several awards, this movie was again one of those things that people either absolutely hated, or they loved it.

I wasn't very enthusiastic about this film, which is why I passed it over several times. That and the fact that I would have to read the whole thing, which I usually don't mind as I always use close captioning anyway, but in this case I would have to pay very close attention since my Spanish is very poor – I am not bilingual, but can pick out most of a conversation when I hear it.

However, because this was a horror movie I was reviewing, I could not count on that. I had to read the whole thing. Unfortunately. The story started out interesting, went to stupid, then to WTH, back to interesting, back to stupid, and then to I really just don't care anymore. I think the main problem I have with this movie, just to give you a heads up, is it was like a person handed this director a script and said, 'this is an interesting story, make it'. 

But then that director tripped, and dropped the script into a lake. He fished it out and decided to use it anyway, although half of it was now gone, and a lot of the remaining pages were really smudged. That's what this movie feels like – you're only getting part of a story and it's not the good part. The more you watch, the more questions you have. And you're not going to get any answers so don't even hope for them.

We start with a gratuitous lesbian sex scene. I've used that phrase several times, so let me explain to you what I consider to be a gratuitous scene in case you think that I am prejudiced in some way. When something is gratuitous, what I'm trying to say is that the scene did not need to be in the movie, had nothing to do with the plot of the movie, or did not include main characters in the movie. 

It just so happens with movie makers lately that lesbian scenes (like found footage, hand held cameras and 3D) seems to be a 'thing' with them to try to make their movies more popular. This kind of scene is simply to titillate the audience without giving them any substance or story – just nudity.

So we have these two women who go unnamed. They hear a pounding on the door. One runs to answer it. This I also do not understand - why people think that when they hear pounding on their door they have to run to get it. The same goes for telephones. They practically kill themselves trying to answer it. Do these people not know about answering machines?

The one answering the door is met by a brute of a man. When her partner comes down the stairs, to her horror, she sees her girlfriend being beaten viciously, then having several of her fingers cut off. Her girlfriend somehow scares him off and he runs into the night. 

We then see (in full daylight) the man climbing a pile of rocks (get used to this, you're going to see it a lot), strip off his clothes, and paw the ground like an animal, dropping his box which is full of human fingers. 

Apparently he's been doing this for quite a while. Too bad that all the fingers look the same, meaning none have aged or are different colors, in fact, they all look like they came from the same hand - if that hand had thirty fingers.

We move on to our family of four. We have Barreiro and Caro, and their prepubescent children. The children are playing in the sand outside of what I guess it's supposed to be Tijuana. The parents are out having a picnic. Suddenly the boy comes running up, saying his sister has been injured. This is where we get our first WTH. They make a huge deal of the girl who apparently has experienced her first 'time of the month'. They take her to the nearest gas station (thanks a lot parents), to get the girl cleaned up. We get 'treated' to a precious scene of sand with a small pool of blood in sharp focus. Okay, we get it. You're gonna gross us out to make up for the script pages you lost.

While they're there, the mother notices a strange man watching them. That's what you get when leave the door open to a freaking public bathroom. They prepare to leave, but the children want to continue playing. So the two parents, being totally responsible adults and because Tijuana is a totally safe place for children to go off and play by themselves with no one around, let them. While the kids are gone, they do a little fooling around and fall asleep. They wake up and notice their children never came back.

They do a little searching, but find nothing. They call the police in a panic who tell them to stay at a nearby motel. This is nonsensical as the movie progresses, and you will see why, unfortunately, as I did. The parents sit there, basically yelling at each other for leaving their children unsupervised. 

Then they think of that weirdo that was looking in at their little girl and they think, hmmm. They stayed the night, and now they're not the cuddly little 'let's have some nooky in the car' people, they're the 'why didn't you watch the kids better' people. In the morning, basically hating each other, they get ready to go home. But miracle of miracles (I said, with massive sarcasm) the police show up with their two children, looking just fine. How nice. They claim to have gotten lost among the rocks in a cave.


So our happy family once again heads home. They show the mother with a large bruise on her side, but if you're expecting any kind of explanation as to what it is and how she got it – you haven't been paying attention. That was in that half of the script that still in the water or that got smeared when the director stumbled.

The other half of the script that the director still can read apparently says: Naked, naked, argue, argue, look scared, look scared, naked again, argue, argue, naked, naked, naked, a little bit of story.

Later, like it makes any difference now, the mother looks through the dirty clothes apparently trying to find her daughter's panties showing evidence of her first, umm, feminine experience. She can't find them. For whatever reason, this prompts her to take her young daughter to a gynecologist. She's informed that her daughter (I'm sorry but I had to watch it so you get to hear about it) does not have a hymen.

To get the story going again, I guess, the children need to see a psychiatrist. They draw pictures of a truck with a man. The father jumps to the conclusion that this is the strange man at the gas station who looked in the door and who acts like a creep even though he hasn't actually done anything. So I guess it doesn't matter what country you're in, if you don't look normal, you're evil.

This brilliant psychiatrist decides that the children have been through a traumatic event. Well, massive duh on that one doc. He also decides that this trauma included something sexual. The children also had signs of bruising. That's it. What, you expected an explanation for that? Why? Nothing else is been explained, has it? You sure want a lot, don't you? The father is past rage, now convinced that our not-normal-looking guy in the van did something to his children. 

So let's get this going a bit faster 'cause it's way too long now. The parents, convinced that this not normal looking man had something to do with their children being weird, drives the kids past this guy who is standing by his truck and they start to scream. Well, that's enough evidence for the mom and dad. Leaving their children with a babysitter, they go out for revenge. This law-abiding couple go out, find the guy, and murder him. I guess at this point, the director decided he needed to equal out the nudity with gore. 

This scene is almost a flinch-worthy one. First, the father takes his turn. He takes a knife, and threatens the dude with it. But when the wife conveniently finds her daughter's panties in one of the guy's cupboards, the father repeatedly stabs the man in the throat. This doesn't kill him yet, because the mother wants a turn, not because he would not have actually died in real life. So while the father hold onto this guys feet, the mother actually uses her hands to completely rip this man's throat out. I have to give them snaps here, because in this ho-hum movie, we have one scene of total, horrific gore.

But of course it gets ruined. Now we get a scene which they are trying to make sexy (I'm going to be sick) of the couple taking a shower together, lovingly washing the gore off of each other. The next morning they go home like nothing's happened. The babysitter is gone, her clothing, shredded on the couch. However, both of the children are peacefully asleep in their beds. The parents do not care about the shredded clothing, nor do they ask any questions. D freaking UH.

Just as a side note, because this movie is driving me crazy, this dictating software keeps wanting to capitalize Gore, so the makers must think that Al Gore is quite the psycho. It also must think I'm the worst English speaker in the world because it is trying to translate what I tell it into Klingon and as boring as this movie is, I am getting quite for Klimt inn shore kife. I don't know what that means, you figure it out. That's what it keeps doing to me.

All righty. If you have been paying attention to even a couple of my reviews, what comes up next will be no surprise to you. The mother discovers that the children have not been going to school. They've been getting dressed, their parents drop them off, but they do not go inside. Where do they go? Saaaay it… They go back to the cave. 

This is the part where the parents driving there and having to wait in a hotel completely knocks this movie from the odd come on to value know what I just don't care anymore category. DAMMIT SOFTWARE PAY ATTENTION! I SAID that this knocks the movie from an oh-come-on-now type of movie to one where I just don't care anymore. If these two small children can walk to this place, then 1. Why the hell do the parents have to drive there; and 2. Why did they have to stay in a motel?

The mother has been observing her kids' strange behaviors but, for some reason, she is not talking to her husband. What. A. Surprise. And now we have the detective on both their cases investigating the murdered not-normal-looking man because somebody spotted their car near his van the night he was killed. Don't pay too much attention to this part, because it's just a time filler and movie killer. 

She finally talks to the babysitter about what happened the night she disappeared, leaving her ripped up clothes behind. We see part of the scene where they were just sitting there when all of a sudden she blanks out as her eyes roll up in her head. Well, sort of. 

While she does not know how she lost her clothing (we get a nauseating and don't-watch-if-you're-epileptic scene of flashes of a multitude of objects, including nudity - and I have to say a painful looking set of nipple piercings), she does have a vague, disgusting memory of going to one of the children's room and, uhh, seeing a little bit too much love going on between the two of them. Don't worry, even this movie doesn't go quite that far. We just see her watching and hear, uh, instead of sex sounds, we definitely hear pigs squealing - ewww. The next thing she knew, she was home.


Finally, the mother decides to check out the cave. An extremely well-lit cave. An it-doesn't-matter-how-deep-the-hole-is-the-sun-still-shines kind of cave. As she gets near the opening she finds a ton of melted candles in a kind of shrine.

At the bottom of an awful short looking drop, are the dead bodies of her two children. Again, what a surprise. She runs out of the cave, and the cameraman, apparently being bored out of this freaking skull, decides to treat us with zooming in and out shots of different rocks around this cave. As if that were something to keep us occupied while she sits there and cries. So she goes home. Ha! Fooled you! 

She doesn't go home, she slowly crawls into the cave - again. This is so we can waste another five or ten minutes while AGAIN she searches for and finds AGAIN the bodies of her children - AGAIN. She figures somehow (and we get to see some sort of flashback) that the daughter fell and hit her head, and started to fall over this awfully small ravine. The brother, grabbing her hand, attempted to pull her up, but fell with her. Because this is a movie and they are apparently made of glass, they both die.

In other words, they've been dead for days. So now that we know the kids at home are actually dead, the movie starts to beat us over the head with the paranormal theme of every other movie made since the 1999 gee-I-wish-I-could-have-killed-them-first The Blair Witch Project. Every time her daughter screams, for whatever reason she's deciding to scream, the lights flicker. When the mother goes to her son's room, she finds him floating in the air. Just floating. That's it.

Now the director tries to save this movie by eking out a little bit of story after ringing out the script. There's been this gentleman (Identified only as Encargado gasolinera, or Charge Station which yes, I know is not a name) hanging out at the gas station throughout this whole movie and now that the mother knows that her children are dead, he approaches her. How nice. He says this mountain (which is not a mountain, it's a hill) has a weird energy and it is a place of demons. 

What? Oh no no no, you don't get an explanation, this is just a little exposition to get you to the end of the movie. The not-normal-looking dead man named Lucio thought he could control the evil by putting up the candles. That's why he always hung around the place. That's why he knew her children were dead. Apparently, Encard.... uh, the gentleman's daughter was the woman at the beginning of the movie. He says she was the last victim of the worst serial killer the area has ever had. 

But since she did not die, the police asked her for a description. She gave them one of which was not even close to who they were looking for. That is because he was from the mountain (the hill) and to her he looked like a demon. He then further explains for no apparent reason that when a demon is coming from the mountain/hill, there is a small earthquake, just like the one that happened the night her children disappeared.

Let's wrap this sorry mess up, shall we? The woman finally goes to her husband. She drags him into the cave and shows him their dead children. This is where it ended a little differently than what I had already written down. Just a little. My version had the children sneak up behind them and kill them. What actually happened made no sense whatsoever. 

When she tried to explain to her husband that their children were no longer really their children, he pulled a pistol from his briefcase and shot her in the head. What. The. Hell. We then get this nauseating camera work of zooming in and out of rocks rocks rocks rocks rocks until we hear a second gunshot.

Our final scene is of demon mom and demon dad (pffft) somberly getting into their car as a small earthquake tells the gentleman at the gas station that… What? The world is screwed? He needs to go around shooting all of these non-humans that he knows are about? Or should he just wait for the credits? I am so glad I did not see this in the theater because they felt the need to end this with an ear shattering piece of music that was horrible along with the credits.

Which, I guess, was appropriate, because this whole movie was just one big headache.

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE THEY SELLING TO OUR CHILDREN???

And I'm Not Just Talking About A Doll That Shoots Flames Out Of Its' Butt

That's a real thing by the way - if you're REALLY good maybe I'll put it at the end of this entry...

Miss Mayhem here.

While Miss Murder convalesces, I asked her which movie she'd like to see reviewed next. I don't know how the conversation came up, but we got to talking about some of the stupidest scenes we've seen in horror movies. Actually, I should say mostly the stupidest scenes Miss Murder has seen, since she seen a lot more horror movies than I have. 

Funny though, for as new as I am with this movie review stuff, I still have seen a handful of them with so-called séance scenes and so was able to concur 100% with Miss Murder about how formulaic these scenes are, no matter which movie you're watching.

We took some notes down and put them together. Movie séance scenes are easy to predict and basically they happen this way: Two to six stupid teenagers (which usually means they're at least 25 or older) get together with some sort of spirit board as a joke or, sometimes, as a so-called serious way of finding out information they think they need to know.

It doesn't matter what they use. Miss Murder has said she's seen them use regular boards, sometimes scraps of paper, sometimes a glass instead of a planchette (the wooden thingy with a glass or plastic circle so you can see the letters/numbers), and in a couple of cases, they just plain scratched out the letters on the floor.

The idiot teenagers gather around the board giggling because, of course, this is just for fun. They all swear at each other and yell 'be serious dammit' as they place their hands on whatever device they happen to be using in the movie. Of course, no one actually believes that this is going to work. In fact, at least two or three of them will continue to repeat 'this is not going to work'. Massive, massive duh, as Miss Murder would say. 

Miss Murder remembers this commercial - 

there was another one too, even older, but she couldn't find it...

Point is, listen to the voices - the commercial is for kids.

The planchette, or whatever they're using, begins to move. Invariably, we hear them argue with each other 'you're moving it', 'no, you're moving it', 'no, you're moving it', ad nauseam. Finally, somebody asks their question. The planchette, or whatever, begins to move toward their answer because, in movies, Ouija boards always work.

The table goes flying in 3...2...

After getting several answers and giggling like idiots (because they're usually drunk too), they realize that the planchette or whatever is moving by itself. Of course, this signals the end of their so-called fun. Now they start to get scared. Invariably, they say stupid things like 'We shouldn't have done this man!' or something close to it, and all get up to get away from this horrible, horrible thing. 

But that's not good enough for today's horror moviemakers because they need to pound us over the head with their supernatural movie duh point because apparently they think their audience is too stupid to get it otherwise.

Made just for girls... tee hee...

So we get scenes like the board throwing itself off the table, or the planchette flying off across the room, or, in one case, where the board was not a board, but letters drawn onto a table, the whole table flying across the room. All scream and run like rabbits and we get more stupid special effects before the movie ends.

Not to say that there hasn't been some interesting, umm, variations. We have seen people use 'Simon Says' toys (green beeps for yes, red for no), and in one particularly hilarious case, some kind of World War I gas mask attached to a tube which in turn is attached to some sort of listening device. If you do not watch horror movies, know that we are NOT kidding. If you do watch horror movies, you know exactly which movie we're talking about.

Glows in the dark!

The movie Supernatural Activity (not to be confused with Paranormal Activity) spoofed this in their movie about different massively stupid horror movies. The main character offers to bring out his Ouija board to the immediate horror of the others who tell him no way. 

In an aside to the camera, he says always offer the Ouija, they never want the Ouija. When the others tell him that he needs to get rid of that 'demon board' he offers to set it on fire. This brings about another fit of panic from the others who tell him 'do not burn the Ouija'. In another aside to the camera, he says always offer to burn the Ouija, they never want to burn the Ouija. 

I love that movie (says Miss Murder) because it has more truth and more common sense in a movie that supposed to be a comedy spoof then most horror movies that are trying to be serious.

So. Miss Murder said I could go ahead and print this little conversation if I wanted to, as long as I do a little research about the Ouija board and how such a dangerous object (yes people, this is not a game) has become something that retailers have pointed towards small children. 

I did the research, the gist of which follows. If you're really good and read some of it, you can watch the video of a flame shooting out of a butt of a doll at the end.

No one really knows a specific date when this became popular, although spiritism, or the attempt to 'speak with the dead' is something as old as the Bible, which by the way, condemns it. Galations 5:19: "Now the works of the flesh are plainly seen, and they are sexual immorality, uncleanness, brazen conduct, idolatry, spiritism, hostility, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, dissensions, divisions, sects, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and things like these. I am forewarning you about these things, the same way I already warned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit God’s Kingdom."

But of course the practice has become widespread and even trivialized - after all, one recent version of the Ouija board 'game' sets the age of the users as "8 to 15". How did the board itself start? No one knows exactly, but a patent was applied for and granted at the beginning of the 1900's for the planchette, while the board itself has had a myriad of versions. 

In the mid 1800's, spiritism became all the rage as a parlor game, usually led by a medium using a planchette with an opening for a pen, with which she (or he I guess) conducted what is called 'automatic writing' where she/he goes into a trance and what is written on the paper comes straight from the spirits - I guess.

The planchette has hundreds of variations, including the one with the hole in it to use with an ever-changing addition - the Ouija board. Following its commercial introduction by businessman Elijah Bond in 1890, the Ouija board was still regarded as a harmless parlor game unrelated to the occult until American Spiritualist Pearl Curran popularized its use as a divining tool during World War I.

This looks about right...

In February, 1891, the first few advertisements started appearing in papers: “Ouija, the Wonderful Talking Board,” boomed a Pittsburgh toy and novelty shop, describing a magical device that answered questions “about the past, present and future with marvelous accuracy” and promised “never-failing amusement and recreation for all the classes,” a link “between the known and unknown, the material and immaterial.” Another advertisement in a New York newspaper declared it “interesting and mysterious” and testified, “as Proven at Patent Office before it was allowed. Price, $1.50.”

What's funny (at least I thought so) was all these places I found information from made sure to tell people about the skepticism of those in the scientific communities - that they called the phenomenon a hoax related to the ideomotor response. I kept reading it as the 'idiotmeter response'. I like mine better. 

Not everyone thought it was so 'marvelous' - it was blamed for all sorts of atrocities and deviant behavior, and some pretty recently.

In West Richland, WA in 2007, there was a horrific double murder of a mother and her daughter. The killers were two teenage boys, one her own son, 15-year-old Don Schalchlin, the  other 16-year-old Joshua Tucker. Tucker's mother tried to claim that he had carried out the murders while possessed by the Devil who found him when he was using a Ouija board. The courts were not moved - he is currently serving nearly 41 years after pleading guilty. The son? He got a mere seven years, for trying to 'cover up' the crime. Nice.

The Mars Volta (an American rock band established in 2001 who broke up in 2012) wrote their album 'Bedlam in Goliath' based on their alleged experiences with a Ouija board. According to their story (written for them by a fiction author, Jeremy Robert Johnson), Omar Rodriguez Lopez (their guitar player) purchased one while traveling in Jerusalem. At first the board provided a story which became the theme for the album. 

Strange events allegedly related to this activity occurred during the recording of the album: the studio flooded, one of the album's main engineers had a nervous breakdown, equipment began to malfunction, tracks would disappear at random, and Cedric Bixler-Zavala's foot was injured. Following these bad experiences the band buried the Ouija board. 

On January 2, 2008, they released an online game called "Goliath: The Soothsayer". The album chronicles the band's purported experience with the "Soothsayer", (the Ouija board) and its transition from a source of fun on tour to a psycho-spiritual force that almost tore the band apart.

In London in 1994, convicted murderer Stephen Young was granted a retrial after it was learned that four of the jurors had conducted a Ouija board seance and had "contacted" the murdered man, who had named Young as his killer. Young was convicted for a second time at his retrial and jailed for life.

Those are three modern examples but there are many, many more. Point being, the board is NOT a toy, NOT a game, and definitely NOT for children. You wanna mess with that stuff, keep your kids out of it. Mainstream religions and some occultists have associated use of a Ouija board with the concept of demonic possession, and view the use of the board as a spiritual threat and have cautioned their followers not to use a Ouija board - but those with a modicum of reason should know that already.

Anywho, here's some history of the progression of this 'game': Elijah Bond and Charles Kennard had the idea to get the patent. An employee of Kennard, William Fuld, took over the talking board production and in 1901, he started production of his own boards under the name "Ouija". Kennard claimed he learned the name "Ouija" from using the board and that it was an ancient Egyptian word meaning "good luck." When Fuld took over production of the boards, he popularized the more widely accepted etymology, that the name came from a combination of the French and German words for "yes".

Product Description from the Manufacturer:

Whether you call it Wee-Gee or Wee-Ja, the Classic Ouija board spells fun.
Just ask it a question and wait to see what answer the Mystifying Oracle will
reveal to you. Includes a sturdy wood Ouija board featuring original graphics
and plastic message indicator. WARNING: Choking hazard for children under 3 yrs.
Product Description: Plastic game unit with Pop-O-Matic die roller, 16 Playing Pegs (4 Yellow, 4 Green, 4 Blue, 4 Red), and English and Spanish Instructions.
(WHOOPS! I think they got their games crossed - I don't see any pegs, do you?)

Miss Manners: Ohhhh, this is what they were talking about - 1980's 
Pop-O-Matic Trouble game. This was one of those board games
 my so-called male parental unit would throw against the wall in fury 
after playing for about ten minutes. Gee my childhood was fun...

The Fuld name would become synonymous with the Ouija board, as Fuld reinvented its history, claiming that he himself had invented it. The strange talk about the boards from Fuld's competitors flooded the market, and all these boards enjoyed a heyday from the 1920s through the 1960s. Fuld sued many companies over the "Ouija" name and concept right up until his death in 1927. In 1966, Fuld's estate sold the entire business to Parker Brothers, which was sold to Hasbro in 1991, and which continues to hold all trademarks and patents. About ten brands are sold today under various names. You might hear such names as 'spirit board', 'witch board', 'talking board', 'Volo board', or 'Igili board'.

Unfortunately, to this day Hasbro continues to market this freaking thing, mostly to children. And you wonder why your kid won't sleep without a night-light.

Sources: Smithsonian, Wikipedia, Google

And now, because you've been good: A review of the Fanny Flambeaux doll that is apparently part of the Smokin' Pussies gang. Not really surprising as you'll see in the video.

To be perfectly honest though - the doll turned out to be a fraud - manufactured by substances listed on the video page - but funny nonetheless!

❦❦❦ Miss Mayhem ❦ ❦ ❦