Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.
Showing posts with label Anton Yelchin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anton Yelchin. Show all posts

Monday, March 24, 2014

THE MOVIE TITLE SAYS ODD, NOT STUPID AND CONTRIVED - SHEESH!




Odd Thomas (2013)

Odd Thomas is a book by Dean Koontz. Some people refer to him, rather unfairly, as the poor man's Stephen King. While some of his books do seem to have a lack of, I don't want to say imagination because there's plenty of that. I guess people believe that he is more of a writer for the masses, and not for those who appreciate a good scare. 

Personally, I own several of his books, and have read them many times. My favorite one is called Lightning. It's an older one, and I wish they could make a movie out of it, but at the same time I don't want them to try because I know they'd screw it up.

Lightning has just about everything. You have horror, romance, Nazis, time travel, consequences of changing events in the past, as well as the future, and just about anything else you can think of. This is a great book. I just don't want to see it on the big screen starring Brad Pitt and a bunch of CGI effects.

But let's get back to Odd Thomas. That is his actual name. He explains that his family has told him several versions of how he got that name, from it being an error, to it being the name of a distant relative. Looking at my first name, I am completely in tune with how he feels. 




It's not a lot of fun to go through life constantly having to repeat and re-repeat your name and spell it at least once every time you meet someone. And yet, celebrities think it is just wonderful to name their progeny something very, very strange with impossible spelling that their child is destined to repeat endlessly throughout its life.

Odd Thomas can see dead people. No, he's not the grown-up boy from The Sixth Sense and there is no Bruce Willis here. Odd Thomas not only sees dead people, but because, according to the rules of this book, they cannot speak, somehow he is able to discern how they died and who killed them.



Odd Thomas lives in a small California town. He works as a short order cook. The love of his life is a waitress who works there, named Stormy. He also is not passive about his ability. In fact, a phrase from the book was adapted to be the catchphrase of the movie poster. Something to the effect of I may see dead people, but then by God, I do something about it. Something like that. 

In other words, when he meets up with a dead person and sees a vision in his head of how they died and who killed them, he goes after the murderer. He does not have a weapon. In this movie, apparently, neither does anyone who he goes up against. Massive duh. In one case, he tells the killer he knows he has a bit of the victim's blood in his pocket. Then he knocks him into a swimming pool. So much for the evidence...



What he does, at least in this movie, is beat the crap out of and subdue the alleged murderer until the police arrive. In real life, this action alone would get him thrown in prison. But for the sake of this movie, he is looked on as a hero, if a little odd. Pun intended.

Now it gets weirder. Apparently, the fact that Odd can see dead people and find criminals isn't enough. There are creatures following certain people around called bodachs. These horrid gravity-defying creatures apparently follow around those, either to whom calamity is to happen, or who is about to cause calamity. Hey, I don't make this up. I just write it down. This word bodach is simply a fancy way according to wiki of saying bogeyman.



At this point, as he sometimes does, my husband walked by and saw the scene where these creatures are following someone. He immediately and correctly said that this was an awful lot like the short-lived series Dead Like Me. In that particular show, people who had died, but not crossed over, were given jobs like regular people. In their extra time they are given assignments on small sticky notes of who is about to die. 




They get a name and a time and that's it. But, strange small nasty creatures called gravelings, always seem to show up just before the person dies to make sure events come together right so that the death happens, right on schedule.

So the bodachs are this movie's way of warning you that something bad is about to happen. With movies like Paranormal Activity, and other movies of the same ilk, they use a cheap sound effect that sounds like rumbling to let you know something bad is about to happen. Here it's bodachs. 

One day while he's flipping burgers, Odd happens to notice a strange man whose hair looks like it is made of mold. And there are a butt load of bodachs, following him around. Since this movie is 100 minutes long, it takes a while to get around to the point. We get a little background on the monsters, mostly that if you pretend not to see them, they won't bother you. If they know you can see them, you're in a world of hurt. Why? Because the movie says so.

So one night, Odd is walking home, which seems very dangerous because by now the whole town must know that with this guy there are no secrets, and even though this is a very small town, apparently it's the murder capital of the world. Anywho, he's walking home when he is accosted by a ghostly apparition of a bowling team. The whole team. This time, something is very wrong. Besides the fact that he talks to dead people because they are yelling at him. Dead people do not speak according to this book and this movie.

These people are soon-to-be-departed since obviously they are not dead yet. They also are able to lift him up and carry him around. This freaks him out. That must have been hard to do, considering that he sees dead people every day. They are faceless, but the bowling shirts are very obvious. So apparently in the afterlife, people get to dress like Charlie Sheen. Dammit.

So although the movie hasn't even gone 10 minutes, already they're breaking their own rules. These faceless bowling enthusiasts are trying to get Odd Thomas away from some sort of danger. However, as they are carrying him off, they are being shot, one by one. How do dead people get shot? Well, they're not dead yet. So what are they? Already, this movie has changed its rules and now we are just as clueless as apparently Odd is.

From here the movie starts sliding into the valley of incredible movie coincidences. Something is being set up, and now Odd must play detective to find out who this strange man is and why so many monsters are not only following him, but beginning to gather in this small but very violent town.

And, of course, since Odd is the star of the show, he manages to find clues and suspects that the police don't seem to be able to locate. That doesn't make the police look very competent. Willem Dafoe plays a detective, but takes a backseat to a 20-something fry cook who can follow dead people and monsters around.



The fact that all of these bodachs are now gathering in town, not following any one specific person, but showing up everywhere, tells Odd that something big is about to happen. He just doesn't know what yet. And he won't be finding out any time soon, because this movie is 100 freaking minutes long.

To save you, my dear readers, from a huge page of incredible coincidences coming together, let's sum up. The whole idea, was to have a massacre at a local shopping mall. This is a small town. Somehow they can support huge shopping mall? Oh well, if I looked for logic, this review would be a hell of a lot longer.

Still being in the realm of incredible coincidences, there is a slow reveal of the plot. Odd finds out that the bodachs have been pretending not to see him, but actually can. Apparently, they have not killed him thus far because they believe they can use him. Massive duh. Odd finds out that not only is one of the police officers involved in this plot, but apparently several are involved.

The plan is incredibly flawed however. They have a van full of explosives, how the hell did they get hold of that? This is post-9/11 time were talking about here. That many explosives being gathered would surely set off alarms in all kinds of different places with all kinds of different government departments.

This is their plan and I'm not kidding. The three cops, who apparently were in cahoots with the mold-head guy, are dressed in black gear, complete with Kevlar vests. They are wearing black masks. The idea is for them to first kill all mall security personnel, who conveniently all happen to be in one place, then use their automatic weapons to open fire on the food court at the mall. 

Because of recent events, this was a little uncomfortable to watch. After taking out as many people as they can, their plan was to go off somewhere private, strip down to their police uniforms, and come back out and somehow save the day from themselves. Okay, that's… stupid. Plus, if they're playing hero inside the mall, who is going to set off the explosives in the truck that is parked inside the parking garage?

This leaves Odd to not only stop these three trained police officers from killing people inside the mall, using only a pistol against automatic weapons, but then he must run to the garage and get the explosives away from the mall. All within the space of a minute or two. The officers, of course, get off quite a few shots before Odd takes them down. 

Apparently, the movie is telling us that they could not hear a small pistol being fired over the sound of their automatic weapons. Bodachs are there any huge quantities, just waiting for all the carnage, so they can??? It's never really established what the monsters are there for except to facilitate the death of those they showed up for. What do they do with these people or their spirits as the movie goes, afterwards? Dunno.



And, of course, since Odd is the major good guy in this movie, even though he is shot several times, he not only manages to take out the three trained gunmen, but get to the garage, hotwire the truck, and drive it out to a conveniently located culvert and let it explode, harmlessly spreading fire along the empty canal.

So Odd and his girlfriend, Stormy, spend the next several days doing what couples in love do. They dance, they laugh - well, he laughs anyway, they sleep in, watch movies, eat junk food, and generally just enjoy each other's company.



But you know, these movies cannot have happy endings. It's the law. There's a knock at the door. It's Willem Defoe, also getting over his injuries, at the door with his wife. They gently tell Odd that it's time. The audience gets clues that something is not right with the time Odd has spent with his girlfriend. She has not said one word. And, remember the rules for this movie. Yes, his girlfriend had been present at the mall and had been killed. They are telling Odd that her body has been released and the funeral is today.

The film did not do well. It says it has a 93 minute running time (pffft...), a budget of $27 million, and a whole butt load of legal problems. But its biggest problem was the amount that was so contrived. POD tattoos on the bad guys meant 'Prince Of Darkness'? Pfft... c'mon guys. Could you be ANY lamer? For me, P.O.D will ALWAYS mean the music group (Payable On Death)... yeah, that ages me, but so what?

Coming up... Disc Three of our Pure Terror Horror Movie Marathon... aren't you excited?


Tuesday, December 31, 2013

ONE LAST MOVIE I SAID I WAS NEVER GONNA WATCH BUT HERE WE ARE AND DAMMIT I'M GOING TO BITE THE BULLET AND REVIEW THIS SUCKA



Fright Night (2011)

In 1985, year of such wonderful movies (according to me in alphabetical order) as Back To The Future, Better Off Dead, The Breakfast Club, Clue, Day Of The Dead (well, meh), Enemy Mine, The Goonies, Just One Of The Guys (I love Clayton Rohner), Kiss Of The Spider Woman (I'm throwing that in there to sound sophisticated - I really didn't watch it), Ladyhawke (I love Rutger Hauer), Re-Animator (I love Jeffrey Combs), Real Genius (With the REAL Val Kilmer), Silver Bullet, Silverado (I love Jeff Fahey), St. Elmo's Fire (I love... none of these guys), Weird Science (I liked Oingo Boingo, you'd know him better as Danny Elfman), Witness, Young Sherlock Holmes...

What was my point? Oh yeah, in this year of a freaking TON of movies that I've only listed a few of, there was one that was a fave even though I didn't crush on any of the actors in it. Fright Night. Starring Chris Sarandon and Roddy McDowall as well as a few others I'd never seen before, it was freaking sweet. It was silly, it was scary (in a not-give-you-nightmares kind of way), it was slick - I've seen it so often it's one of the movies I repeat the words to (which drives my hubby crazy) when I watch it every couple of months or so. The phrase 'You're sooo cool Brewster' was almost an 80's version of a meme. It. Was. Cool.

So hearing in 2011 they were remaking it I was not pleased. Finding out it was going to star Colin Farrell made me ill. Hearing it was going to be a DISNEY project induced projectile vomiting.

Note: It's 5/9/14 and I've been revamping (sorry) my blog and just now noticed that the 'new' Charlie Brewster is the same guy (Anton Yelchin) who plays Odd Thomas (reviewed 3/24/14). Yikes. 

So with heavy heart I start watching. The first thing I see is they have made late night hack actor Peter Vincent (McDowall) into a character like Criss Angel. I stopped the movie, got out some whiskey and Tums (can't have one without the other unless I want to see the new year with a gut on fire and my head swollen to three times its size), took a deep breath and tried again.

Gaaaaak. Had to come up for air. Really? They're really doing this? Evil Ed (here played by the guy from Kick-Ass), one of the funniest characters from the first movie, the psycho weirdo who everybody thinks is a total spaz is now the BRAIN? He's the one figuring everything out? Ugh. And he said it. In practically a deadpan voice, 'You're so cool Brewster'. SACRILEGE!!!! If this gets any worse I'm gonna be typing in Captain Kirk mode and. every. word. will. have. a. period. Seriously. I was almost relieved when he bites it (sorry) twenty minutes in.


What do I have against Colin Farrell? Um, hard to explain - he's in a category of MEN I WOULD NEVER LET TOUCH ME THAT OTHER WOMEN SEEM TO FAINT OVER. There's lots of them and they all seem to be pretty popular: Ryan Reynolds, Owen Wilson, Chris Hemsworth (well okay he was pretty good in The Cabin In The Woods but given a choice between him and Loki...), Channing Tatum, Robert Pattinson, Henry Cavill, Christian Bale... hmm, maybe I should stop, I'm running low on Tums.

Huh? Oh yeah, the movie. Well it had some interesting bits - the scene where Charlie breaks into Jerry's house, rescues one of his victims, spends about an hour (not really but it felt like it) sneaking her out of the house (good tension and suspense, just went a little long) just to have her explode into CGI'd gore when they reached a sunny spot (Note to makers of CGI effects: It's NOT REALISTIC if the gore DOES NOT HIT THE GROUND OR THE PERSON STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE GORE, OK?) was not so bad. Charlie is left to slink home while Jerry, knowing full well he was there just grins and drinks his beer and eats his apples (That was a thing in the 1985 version too - what was it about the apples?).

So Charlie is a believer, his mother is not, his girlfriend isn't talking to him so his next step: Contact Criss Ang... umm I mean Peter Vincent (David Tennant, a face I was actually glad to see - he was one of my favorite Doctors on Doctor Who). He of course turns out to be a foul mouthed faker who kicks Charlie out without hesitation. Nice digs though.

Charlie begs his mom and girlfriend to believe him when Jerry shows up at the door asking to be let in. This changes the movie up a bit. We're 56 minutes in and Charlie's mother begins to see what her son was worried about when Jerry, told to go away, instead begins to dig up her back lawn. And their gas pipe. The special effects for this part were pretty good. Got to give them kudos for the best part: Jerry, riding Charlie's dirtbike, launches it into the air, crashing it into the back of their van and almost killing Amy. That was... not bad at all.

And then the nausea returned to me full force. Driving down the highway after first crushing Jerry into his own truck (didn't work of course) then slamming on the brakes 'cause he's clinging to the undercarriage of the van and punching his way through, they're rear ended by a car going at full speed. The driver stumbles out... and it's Chris Sarandon (the original Jerry Dandrige). I had to stop watching for a while. That was dirty pool.

Fortunately (for Chris) he's killed in about two minutes. Unfortunately Colin was not. Fighting with Charlie over a cross proves worthless but he doesn't appreciate mom slamming a Century 21 sign (nice product placement guys) through his chest. Does she hit his heart? Pffft...

As Charlie and his girl watch over his mom in the hospital, Peter Vincent in movie-style timing happens to pick up a picture Charlie had left there and low and behold, it means something to him. He calls Charlie (And he got Charlie's number how?) and they have the break-the-tension-by-using-backstory time while Peter tells them what he knows. Precious little. Mostly that Jerry is of a particularly nasty breed of vampires (There are breeds? New one on me.). And here comes Ed - now of the long-toothed breed. But still not funny.

He and Charlie fight, leaving Amy to deal with Jerry. I like that she had more on the ball than in the original - they had portrayed her as a whiny, neglected girlfriend and then victim but in the remake she stands on her own and fights. That was something anyway. She finds holy water (duh) and throws it in Jerry's face, then helps Charlie kill Ed (again). In the original Ed got to shapeshift into a wolf and go out with a bang - here he just falls to a heap of ash on the floor. Meh. And where's Criss... dammit I mean Peter Vincent through this whole thing (And wouldn't a Vegas showman pick a fancier name?)? Locked safely away in his 'panic room' watching the show. Bad bad boy Dr. Who - shame on you.


Since Jerry is so nasty, the holy water is just a temporary inconvenience and besides, we have 30 minutes of film to go. The two survivors run into a club and the unce unce unce music is horrid - how do kids dance to that for hours? They don't. Ever watch a club scene? They hop up and down - that's about it. Anywho, the two get separated in the crush of the crowd. Jerry catches Amy and bites her. Okay that's dumb. In public? Must be something about the 'nasty breed' Peter was talking about. Amy is his now.

Charlie goes back for Peter. Instead of refusing to help him 'cause he's only an actor (and a coward) as in the original, they make it more stupid - not only were Peter's parents killed by a vampire, they were killed by Jerry. Okay we've slid from almost good back to massive duh country. But also in movie duh style because his parents were killed he's been collecting religious artifacts all his life - one being a 'blessed stake'. Here come the Tums again, I better find that second bottle.

Charlie gets supplies from an army surplus store and here we go. Waiting for sunlight he storms the house. As in the original movie, Peter Vincent decides to help him at the last minute, 'Let's kill something.' Sure, just do it a little faster, please. Down in the basement Charlie is locked in a room with Amy as Jerry prepares to kill Peter. Ah geez - Colin Farrell says the other best line in almost a monotone, 'Welcome to Fright Night - for real.' Dammit Chris Sarandon had a whole lot more style than that sucka.

Okay the next part was - pretty cool. Jerry hits Peter in the head with a pebble, drawing a bead of blood. As soon as it hits the ground, here comes Jerry's, uh, pack I guess you'd call 'em. And the world of CGI pumps it up some more as Jerry's previous victims literally come out of the walls. They descend on Peter and start snacking while Charlie gets knocked around a while by his girlfriend then runs to take on Jerry. And here it gets stupid again. Was this the basement of the house or not? I mean they're in a sort of reinforced cave, they climbed down the stairs in his house to get there - yet when shots are fired at the ceiling there's the light of day coming through?

Sigh. Let's just finish this, okay? Peter had told Charlie that since Jerry's kind of vampire is a super duper hard to kill kind he would have to be stabbed in the heart while on fire. Uh huh. That was just a setup for the last bit of CGI nonsense. At the surplus store (because they have tons of them just lying around) Charlie had bought a fire suit and puts on cap and goggles while Peter lights him up. He then jumps on Jerry and we get several minutes of CGI'd flying around as Jerry tries to get away from the fire. Peter manages to shoot a hole directly above Jerry's head so he's getting it from two sources. With his chest on fire his heart is revealed and Charlie shoves the sacred stake through it.

We get another CGI'd scene of a vampire blowing up, blood going everywhere - except on Charlie, the floor, the other people in the room... sigh. With the permanent death of Jerry, all the victims who came out of the walls, Amy, and the much-bitten Peter who had started to turn himself all become human again. In the end, Peter Vincent lets them use his penthouse for Amy's deflowering. Aaaaaand scene.

Ick, okay I did it. It was stomach turning but I did it. What? There's gonna be a Fright Night 2 remake? Excuse me, I need to take a trip to the liquor store...

And that does it for me for the year - everyone keep safe and keep sane.