E-BLOODY-I-BLOODY-E-BLOODY-I-BLOODY-O MY FREAKING EYES!!!




Slash (2002) South Africa

It's pretty sad when you watch a movie and all you come away with is a sense of satisfaction that you got the make and model of the car they were using... But lately some of the movies have been such stinkers that hey, you gotta cling onto something when there really is no plot to speak of. Too bad 'cause there aren't too many movies showing that are out of South Africa. Pity. It calls itself a comedy/horror/thriller and strikes out three times.

Oh how I WISH this was the band playing...

So we start with a kid playing around in the barn with an oil lamp sitting on a bed of dry hay. Already I'm hoping it's the kid that gets it. Unfortunately (well, actually that's good, apparently he's been killing people and draining their blood in his barn for ???) the one who gets the big flame is the grandfather, while the kid beats cleats out of there. Oh what a great start.









We fast forward to a car with two 20 somethings that we want dead the second we see them. Apparently they can only afford to travel in a car that is being rocked back and forth by stagehands while they blow 'fog' past the windows so you can't see that yes, they're in a studio.Whenever they show the road, the camera is positioned so it looks like they're driving right down the middle of the road. Sigh. The car (because that's the only interesting thing I could find) is a 1970 Pontiac 2 door convertible Lemans that they have attached aftermarket fog lights to since the '70 Pontiac didn't have 'em (Isn't that exciting?) but they didn't think through their design change very well.

See, the young idiots run themselves off the road in movie-stupid style (because of a CARDBOARD COW) and crash into a cornfield, taking a sign to the grill as they do. Now, with the extra fog lights, there's not enough room in the grill for the sign, so you can clearly see that the right fog light has been removed so the sign will fit. It is also obvious that the movie makers have trampled the corn in advance so the car will not only fit through the field, but they can open the doors with no problem.

Isn't that exciting boys and girls? These are the things I notice when I see a movie. Which is probably why I usually watch them by myself. So the driver goes off to take the 'piss of death' 'cause don't you always die in horror movies when you go off alone to relieve yourself?

So the guy gets knifed first (naturally) but outside the car so they don't mess up the pristine white interior. The girl, apparently also unwilling to mess up the inside of the car jumps out and runs through the cornfield to die - as we get a brief sigh of relief until...

Just call me 'Mac' - 'cause I love Mac 'n Cheese...

We see a douche band named Slash (Slash really should have sued for this one but hey, it's South Africa, they probably thought he'd never know) performing and bitching at each other - a lot. Then the lead singer learns he's inherited his aunt's farm (dum dum DUM - but mainly dumb) and so the group decides to take a breather and practice (let's hope they actually learn how to play) at the farm. Duh. 

And how does a douche band like that who play in small bars afford a new bus? Oh yeah, sorry, the duh factor. I almost forgot... the boy's name is McDonald <small chuckle>. Oh one more duh - the dead aunt is laid out on the dining room table (yum!) and apparently she listened when they told her not to breathe but forgot about swallowing 'cause you see her throat go up and down.

This whole movie is just yankin' your chain...

So we have a boring interlude with the young people, McDonald's father and the farm hand. The father's main schtick seems to be getting real creepy then saying 'I'm just yankin' your chain' - charming. And my head is nodding because Nobody. Is. Dying. Oh, a whacko neighbor gets hacked up at 38 minutes then... nothing. The next day the troop get on their impossibly expensive bus but low and behold somebody messed with the engine and they only get a small distance away. Awww.

It's coming at us! Let's not move to the right or left or anything...

Let's end the agony early, shall we? Kids die very verrrrry slowly and Mac (as the douche singer calls himself) remembers how he accidentally set fire to grandpa as a kid but grandpa was made of granite or something and so he didn't die. So Mac, trying to do it right this time, kills grandpa and sets him and his dad on fire.

I got this outfit at Wal Mart. Why? It was on sale...

Hmmm? Why were they killing teenagers? Well, remember the corn? What better way to bless the harvest and get good crops than with the blood of worthless teenagers? And we complain about Monsanto. Ick. Oh and did the father die? Not if they wanted to set up a sequel he didn't. But I don't know of one thank goodness.

Oh yeah, the surviving band members (after being treated to those magic blankets movie paramedics like to give out to make them all better) go back on the road with a new song. What is it about? I'm really disappointed in you for not guessing. I don't know the title but the word 'scarecrow' and 'EIEIO' are included. Wow.

Old MacDonald had a farm
E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm were dead people
E-I-E-I-O
Cause this farm was duh central
E-I-E-I-O
And blood corn is extra tasty
E-I-E-I-O

Ahem. I'm really sorry about that.

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OUR FIRST CONTENDER FOR THE YEAR FOR WORST MOVIE EVER - AND IT'S ONLY JANUARY...








Hellgate aka A Porta Do Inferno (1989) US/South Africa

You remember what I said about wanting to be able to unsee certain movies? This one just went to the top of the list. We have an incredibly cheap and horribly made movie starring the late Ron Palillo (Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter) starring as the oldest college student ever. When this movie was made, he was 40. That's probably a record, I dunno. I do know this could hold the record for worst makeup, worst special effects, worst story, worst acting, worst attempt to recreate items from yesteryear... yeah, this sucked so loud my ears rang by the time the thing ended. When you have to go clear to South Africa to make a movie - don't.

Why did I even attempt it? From those famous but often misleading claims on the movie poster. This was supposed to be made by some of the same people who made Hellraiser. Now when they make this kind of claim, you have to wonder - do they mean the people responsible for the effects and storyline or the people who stood around running errands and making coffee? If I had to guess, it would definitely be the latter.

The non-story: In the 50's a motorcycle gang called the Strangers (This 'gang' was four guys on three bikes, supposedly 50's Harleys but they were neither from the 50's nor were they Harleys. They sounded like weak Hondas - still not from the 50's.) kidnap a girl for fun and... more fun I guess. The premise is they murder her, but actually it's her dad's fault - he throws an axe into one of the biker's heads and since he's still on a running bike, it hits the girl and plows through a brick wall - made, I'm sure, of nothing but plastic the way it blew right through it. One biker survives and for some reason the father doesn't go after him. Yeah, that would happen. 



Years later one of the father's employees finds a crystal which is supposedly the great zombie crystal of.... I dunno, Convenientville? He of course raises up his daughter who now just wants to seduce strangers and then kill them - adding to the zombie population I guess. He certainly doesn't seem to mind when she's undressed in front of him. Just her being nude around her dad was sufficiently creepy.



Sigh, this is so awful I can't even make you listen to the whole story. Needless to say, having Ron as a lead, romantic, heroic or otherwise is NOT going to work. The makeup is awful, the effects were just an overuse of wax and bad gore, having these four 'college students' insist on solving this mystery like they typical Scooby Doo type of group for no reason whatsoever... It just keeps getting worse and worse.

How does it end? Ron and his probably equally old girlfriend are the only survivors and somehow get out of the town of horrid zombies (Horrid 'cause they look awful, not 'cause they're zombies.) without getting blown up by the crystal (oh yeah, it does whatever they think of at the spur of the moment). And I've just lost another 91 minutes of my life. Lesson? Don't watch zombie movies starring Horseshack. Nothing good can come of it.