Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.
Showing posts with label Sean Bean. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sean Bean. Show all posts

Monday, December 16, 2013

REACHING BACK FOR AN OLDIE BUT GOODIE... JUST BECAUSE I'M TOO LAZY TO DO A NEW ONE TODAY

Equilibrium (2002)

This is a really preachy film with a lot of cool fighting scenes. It stars Christian Bale (who I really liked then - that wore off quickly), Sean Bean (who not only is not on the movie poster but is way down the actor list - and yes, he dies in it - it's in his contract), and Taye Diggs who I could watch in anything.


Of course the movie is about Bale who plays a guy named John Preston in a future world gone mad (I think the word 'dystopian' is really getting overused - if you asked your grandparents if the world we live in now is better or 'dystopian' which do you think they'll pick?) or, actually, a world gone... blank as the citizens are forced to take a drug called Prozium - I liked that. Sounds like a combination of prozac and lithium. Whatever it is, a daily dose of it makes one an unemotional automaton. Which is what the 'leaders' want - a society of people who don't feel. People who don't feel don't make trouble, right? Ah geez, it's Obamacare isn't it? Just kidding. Sort of.

Well of course there are those who reject that kind of governmental control of their lives. Those people are labelled as 'sense offenders' and are, as a whole, rounded up, judged and sentenced to 'combustion' (nice way to put burn at the stake - or in this case a chamber). And Preston and his partner Errol Partridge (the doomed Sean Bean) are Grammaton clerics which means they kick ass for the Lord (to borrow a phrase from a movie that was a lot more fun) - this part is a little shaky since they're trying to set up this complicated system of enforcement/religion for the future. All are ruled by 'Father' a face on a screen everyone knows but no one has seen in person. Uh huh.

All this has come about after a third world war in the 21st century (uh oh) caused such devastation that they devised this system to keep the whole population in check. By force, natch. This force is done blankly by Preston who can wipe out a whole room full of bad guys by himself in total darkness. Yippee-ki-yay, motherf... oops sorry, different film. John McClane actually HAD some character. This emotionless wiping out people who've rebelled and dared to feel emotion is really stupid considering what they were striving for was an end to war and... people wiping each other out. A BIG duh in the plot line. Don't feel and you won't kill. Feel and we'll kill YOU. Oh yeah, that makes a ton of sense.

You can tell that from the start there's something... more human with Partridge. He actually looks nervous before they infiltrate a den of naughty people doing the nasty - in this case gathering paintings, books, things that supposedly make people FEEL. There's really no surprise when he sneaks a book of poems away from one raid.

The city this takes place in is called Libria which I guess is a fancy way of saying it's a city of liberated people since they don't have to 'suffer' from pain or happiness or any other feeling - and they're systematically burning all the remains of the past in order to keep it that way. I know some doctors who'd like to keep their patients that way. If I told you the ton of medications they used to have me on... but I won't. It was a perk of having insurance (which I don't anymore) and although I've been having to get along with a fraction of what I really need, I also have been able to function a little better - I'm not happy and I'm in pain but I'm writing and that's a pretty big improvement over lying each day staring at the wall.

Ahem. Back to the movie. So Partridge took a book of poems so we know he's doomed because of it (and the fact that he's Sean Bean). That's a violation of the law - no one is allowed anything rated an EC-10 (Emotional content, uh, ten times?). And it's no surprise that this future, emotions wiped and guards with machine guns at the ready to kill anyone who steps out of line that their 'symbol' looks uncomfortably like a swastika. That was... not subtle. Eighteen minutes into the movie, Preston kills Partridge by shooting him in the face through a book of poems. That was right after he declared there was 'no more war, no more murder.' Yeah, except for the times you get shot in the face through a book.

And so now Preston has Brandt (Taye Diggs) as a partner. And Brandt wants Preston's position. Hmm, no emotions should mean no ambition right? So how would Brandt covet anything? Is his Prozium a little off? Or is it that humans are becoming so used to it that their human selves are peeking through? Dum dum DUM. But mostly dumb.

After arresting a woman who Preston starts to empathize with because, I guess, his wife was arrested and executed for not taking her Prozium and HE accidentally broke a dose and subsequently began hiding further doses instead of taking them, he starts getting more conflicted (but with Bale it's kind of hard to tell - his face has like three expressions max) especially when trying to hide his changing personality from his kids who are bound by law to turn him in if they know.

Preston himself begins to go to a restricted area, the same place his partner used to sneak off to. Dogs are illegal (too much emotional baggage - weird they didn't talk about cats) so when Preston finds a puppy he hides it in his trunk but is caught and so now executes some of his fellow law enforcers. For a dog.

Aaaaand here we go. This is the setting for the rest of the movie. Preston hides stuff and people, and kills his own to keep it that way. Wow, what a powerful lesson for the kiddies. Human life means nothing compared to dogs, paintings and books. Not that I approve of getting rid of the latter of course, I just mean he's trading things for lives. Duh. Oh and while we're on the subject of duh - these 'clerics' are supposed to be the fighting elite - not just with weapons, but hand to hand combat. Exactly how does one do that in an tight coat that goes down below your knees? Tight outfit, tight coat - not the ideal fighting apparel.

Brandt is a young buck who, like I said, wants Preston's position so he's been spying on him and tattles on him to the rest of the clerics when he refuses to gun down a bunch of, uh, freedom fighters I guess you'd call them. But the movie's action just... stops. I guess we need to watch Preston begin to 'feel' as the Prozium leaves his body. Maybe that's why this movie is 107 minutes long - I can think of about 20 minutes that could have been cut easily. I learned a new word though - here's your smarty pants lesson of the day: Nepenthe - a medicine for sorrow, literally an anti-depressant – a 'drug of forgetfulness'. I thought that was called 'alcohol'.

So the natural progression goes that Preston now must help the underground. And like I said the movie kind of grinds to a halt. Watching him 'feel' more and more as he finds the undergroun
d fighters, tries to hide his emotions from his children (they can have him killed too - oh joy) and especially his gung-ho partner begins to wear on him. When a woman he comes to like (even though he arrested her) is executed, he loses it - and is promptly arrested by Brandt and dragged before the leader of the clerics. But Preston is still smart even if he's 'feeling' all those horrible emotions humans have and switched guns with Brandt so it makes it look like Brandt is the one who is the traitor. Duh.

But it's all a setup for a switcheroo and Brandt gets the upper hand as Preston is arrested (again) and a machine tells the 'Father' that he has emotions. That's when it's revealed there is no 'Father' and that the head of the clerics has been lying to everyone to keep them... under control. The machine is reacting wildly to Preston's emotions until it flatlines - the attendant knows what that means. Sure enough, guns come out and Preston is wiping out an entire room of heavily armed men by himself. Uh huh.

Then, somehow, he gets through all the guards (and gets bloody somehow) and wipes out all the screens that are constantly running through the city to remind people why they're being drugged - that sets off the bombs set in the Prozium dispensaries as Preston stares and give one of the three expressions he has - a slight smile.


Thursday, June 20, 2013

WE INTERRUPT OUR EASTERN GIRLS IN SHORT SKIRTS MINI-MARATHON FOR...





Silent Hill (2006) / Silent Hill: Revelation 3D (2012) Canada/France


I've been having a bit of fun with Eastern culture, especially in the way they take farce and blow it up to something that would NOT be tried in our button-down frowny face society (and we thought WE were the enlightened ones) and Manga that makes its way to the silver screen. But Westerners have their little tricks too, and one seems to be taking video games and making movies (some extremely successful) out of them (or vice versa). 

One example off the top of my head is, of course, the 'Hi my name is Alice. I work for the Umbrella Corporation.' game/movie series Resident Evil. Silent Hill is another one. Maybe not wildly successful (movies), but I think pretty respectable. At least there are more versions of the Silent Hill video game than there are movies (eight that I know of).
THIS is what I call a video game...

Now I don't claim to be a great movie reviewer. I've just seen enough good (and incredibly bad) movies to know some of what to look for and what is great to make fun of. But I'm just as good at finding a good movie and not realizing it - and passing it off for a boring hour and a half on my television set. Wrong, wrong wrong. I had watched Silent Hill some time ago and despite it having a favorite female lead (Radha Mitchell) of mine, about all I remembered is some chick trying to find her whiny daughter in a town of ash for some reason. Duh to me.

They pushed Silent Hill: Revelation 3D pretty hard if I remember right. And I thought 'But the first one was so boooring.' Pffft. Obviously I had watched it in one of my fugues and hadn't paid much attention to it so I decided to find it again online and really pay attention this time. Huh, that was a lot of fun, NOT. Netflix had the second but not the first - and finding it was not easy. If you've had a similar experience with these 'free' streaming services you realize that 1. They're not free and 2. Even if they say they have the movie, they probably don't. AND if they want a credit card right away even if they promise they're not going to charge you STAY AWAY. There are plenty of sites where you can just watch the damn things without a fuss, you just have to look around a little.

I did and I found it - no close captioning but I've found that (so far) only Netflix seems to have that option. So I turned the volume up and payed attention this time. I'd forgotten that this film also includes Laurie Holden in a substantial role (we all knew and loved her as 'Andrea' on The Walking Dead) and Sean Bean as the frazzled father looking for his wife and daughter, not knowing that the whole time he's pretty much walking right past them (I'll explain that) and HE DOES NOT DIE. 

This is a small giggle or SALTS because if Sean Bean is known for anything (besides being extremely handsome, a member of the original Fellowship in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy, and star or co-star of many films), is that he's repeatedly killed off in whatever he's in.


Silent Hill: So we have a mother Rose (Radha Mitchell) and troubled little girl Sharon (wonderfully played by Jodelle Ferland). They had adopted her with no problems, but lately she's been sleepwalking (and sleep drawing it seems) and the constant theme seems to be what she calls 'Silent Hill'. One night when her mother finds her at the edge of a cliff in her sleep (Okay who the hell lives near a steep cliff with no guard rail? Pffft. Oh, wait, I used to.) she has had enough and decides to try and find Silent Hill. 

Her 'suspicious' actions and the obvious distress of her daughter attracts the attention of a motorcycle cop, Cybil (Laurie Holden) who begins to follow them. Her husband Christopher (Sean Bean) tries by phone to dissuade her but to the movie's credit this isn't a 'I'm gonna do what I want screw you.' type of thing. They love each other, but she is convinced the only way to get Sharon's nightmares to go away is to find out what the heck they're about in the first place.

Racing to elude Cybil who is now trying to stop them, they both crash their vehicles in movie duh style. All three lose consciousness. When Rose wakes, Sharon is gone, she is at the edge of Silent Hill, and a fine ash falls, blanketing everything like snow. Unless you've been by a huge fire, you don't know how claustrophobic that can be. We live near enough to St. Helens that when it blew, we were not in danger, but we had a constant coating of ash fall when it initially erupted, and each time it 'hiccuped' afterward. My high school class is probably unique in that we had our Homecoming Parade interrupted because of blinding ash. It can be frightening and also extremely dirty.

Anywho, Cybil, who also had been knocked out catches up and both try to find Sharon. Silent Hill is an abandoned mining town (Aw man, a whole TOWN? Think of how many teenage slasher movies you could make THERE.) that became unlivable after an underground explosion caused a constant burn underground (and hence all the ash).

Ah but there has to be the supernatural element, doesn't there? Here is where the movie makers tried really hard to make it like the video game, or at least like the vision they had for it, but that kind of thing would have taken tons of money that they had but not enough of. So we get a 'feel' of a whole underground 'people', misshapen, some literally on fire - quite a complex bit of imagery and pretty impressive, even if they didn't get to do everything they wanted to. And it turns out the town isn't abandoned completely - it is inhabited by a nasty cult who are, to make it simple, witch hunters - and that's what doomed them in the first place. 

Back when the place was just a mining town, a red headed woman named Christabella (Alice Krige) led a doomsday cult that ferreted out the wicked to burn them... but not just on a stake - they had a sacred symbol they built a fire on (inside the church no less) and putting the victim on a tall ladder and lowering them slowly onto the fire. Nice people.

The last person they did this to was a young girl - any guess who it was? Okay her name was Alessa who was targeted for being a bastard (that's the child-without-a-father kind) which apparently gave them an excuse to charge her with being a witch (they've been doing that for a long time apparently) - but when they burned her, the symbol she was burning on broke and she lived. Umm, what? That's probably where I lost interest the first time. 

But that was a shame because this turns into a genuine freaky deaky kind of fun movie with monsters, twists and great special effects. See Alessa, burnt but alive, was taken to the hospital where her hate grew until it became an entity in itself. The last goodness in her became a baby - who was dropped off at an orphanage. Okay that makes no sense whatsoever but that's why they call it fantasy so shut up.

Meanwhile back at the farm - uh, back with the husband - Christopher manages to get the local police involved in trying to find his family. They're mostly helping him because they're missing a police officer though - they don't really care about him or why he's there. Typical. The main officer, Thomas, is played by Kim Coates, another fave character who just oozes sleaze when he plays a bad guy. He's really terrific. 

Although the police don't admit it, they've got a pretty good idea of what happened, most having had either lived in the town before it was abandoned or had relatives who did. Since they're not real helpful, Christopher helps himself to the records in the nearby orphanage where Sharon came from and sees that, somehow, their little girl should be over 40 years old. I should look that good.

But of course Sharon is the 'baby' spawned by Alessa - the last good part of her left. And Rose and Cybil have to find her before Alessa, uh, what's Alessa going to do with her exactly? That part I was foggy on but that's not surprising. So Cybil sacrifices herself and Rose goes down down down into the nightmare of the people that time forgot. No, wait, people that got exactly what they deserved. Great, great special effects keep your interest as we basically have a chase scene that goes for a while.

I could explain the ending but I'd probably muck it up 'cause even if the movie makers were forced to take a truly grand idea of an ending and smush it down into what they could afford it's a great one. But I can tell you Rose and Sharon drive out of Silent Hill - but should have been tipped off that things were not all right because the ash still fell - all the way home. When they get there, the house is empty but Rose can feel that Christopher is there. He is. In the 'real' world'. They show that while both occupy the same space it is in different realities as where Rose is, ash falls but with Christopher, it is raining. A bittersweet ending.



Silent Hill: Revelation 3D: This is currently streaming on Netflix and I do recommend it - but it was not as satisfying as the first one (are they ever?) although they ramped up the special effects and I suppose the 3D element was supposed to make it more 'special' although seeing it I didn't see a whole lot of shots where it would have been worth the extra price. Eh, it always gives me a headache anyway.

We start with Christopher and Sharon. Immediately (especially if you've just watched the first one) there's a WTH element - Rose and Sharon were stuck, right? So they've got some 'splaining to do before the action can really begin. It's a hurried one and not that great. 

Christopher has told Sharon (who should have been played by the original actress, since she's 18 and beautiful it would have been perfect) that her mother died in a car crash and he killed a man in self-defense and so both are on the run with new identities - Harry and Heather Mason. He hasn't told her the truth, that her mother is alive but the remaining psychos from Silent Hill are after her because of her affiliation with Alessa, the evil that keeps them trapped (damned, doomed, whatever) in the ash covered town. 

So in hurry-and-tell-a-lot-really-fast style we find that Rose somehow had gotten half of a talisman called the Seal of Metatron. Who? Metatron is an archangel in Judaism. According to Jewish medieval apocryphal beliefs, he is Enoch, ancestor of Noah, transformed into an angel. What does that have to do with Silent Hill? Not a damned thing. Shut up.

Anywho, she only had half so only one of them could 'go back' to the real world (?!?) and she sent Sharon. But Sharon/Heather is still having nightmares - now not only does she dream of the town but a carnival (What is it about carnivals that are so creepy all by themselves? They don't even have to be haunted or damned, they're just creepy.) full of unspeakable things.


So the Masons are in a new town and she's in a new school - again. When the other teenagers begin their heckling she beats them to it and tells all of them off (I WISH I could have done that when I was in school) so that they will leave her alone. She meets fellow new student Vincent and they become friendly. But of course Vincent is from Silent Hill, instructed to find and bring her there. Yeah I know, I know, how come they can cross over so easily and cross back but Rose and Sharon couldn't? Shut up.


So despite Christopher/Harry's best laid plans as a promise to Rose, Sharon/Heather is caught and now in Silent Hill. We still have the town but they've kind of gotten away from the underground part. Now instead, there's the town and a nasty carnival. Oh goody. There are some creatures that were there in the first and some new ones, some kind of cool. My favorite were the 'nurses' with no faces who only moved when they heard noises, lightening quick with cutting tools but freezing when there was no sound.


Vincent, of course, is the son of the NEW psycho leader of the cult of Silent Hill and tries to explain to them that Heather is innocent, not like Alessa, but they want her anyway. And she wants to find her father, who (spoiler alert) DOES NOT DIE IN THIS MOVIE EITHER! WTH Sean Bean... you plan on surviving your roles from now on? <SALTS> So Heather takes the half of the seal, being told by Vincent that his bound, insane grandfather has the other half - with both she can save her mother. The grandfather (a great bit from another favorite, Malcolm McDowell) indeed has the other half - inside his chest. He takes Heather's half and shoves it in there (ouch) making it complete but doesn't get to keep it long - Heather rips it from his chest (ouch again).

Now we get to the amusement park. Heather confronts the evil part of Alessa and, uh, absorbs her. Shut up. Now Alessa is complete - uh, I guess, except for the burnt part. She then takes the talisman and exposes the current leader of the cult, Claudia (saying she's Christabella's sister - of course) of being one of the 'monsters' inhabiting Silent Hill. Since Heather is now also Alessa she summons another monster to defeat Claudia, and rescues Vincent and her father.

The ash stops and the town begins to clear. As they are about to leave, Christopher/Harry, who has 'felt' Rose visit him (Radha got only a small part in this one) announces he's staying behind to find Rose, now that Heather is safe and he has kept his promise. He walks back into the town.

Vincent and Heather leave, not seeing that the town is again fading away. They catch a ride with a trucker who says his name is Travis Grady. This is a nod to one of Silent Hill's video games - Silent Hill: Origins, a prequel to the other games. In that game, Travis searches for info on a girl he rescued from a fire and along the way unlocks repressed childhood memories... but that's another story and I don't play.

So Silent Hill - neat but confusing (even paying close attention). Silent Hill: Revelation - despite being released six years after the first one still seems a bit rushed in the story department although some awesome monsters and effects - not worth the extra money for 3D though.




Monday, May 20, 2013

THE VENGEFUL AND THE FILTHY PART ONE



Black Death (2010) Germany/UK

I hate war movies, I really do. I'm not that interested in history, and let's face it, war is mud and blood and death. But back in the 1300's in England it was also the plague. This movie was made and released really close to the Nicolas Cage movie Season Of The Witch. Tell you what, if you can only see one, see this one. 

Save yourself the specter of Nicolas in greasy long hair trying to act concerned for anybody but himself. Besides this movie has the oh-so-watchable Sean Bean (Lord Of The Ring's Boromir and favorite victim of the ever popular meme) and a pleasant surprise that makes me wonder how I can forget what happened five minutes ago but hear a voice and I can place it no matter how long ago I heard it. Stupid brain.

So we're in the middle of England as its population is getting decimated by the plague. Of course then they had no idea what caused it, so talk of witches and sorcery flew and people suffered and died for that as well. The story revolves around a young monk named Osmund who is very naive and confused - he has sort of forsaken his vows by falling in love with a young (and still healthy) girl, Averill. Stealing some food, he gives it to her and asks her to wait for him in the forest and he'll be there and they can get away. He searches for a sign from God to help him. He thinks his prayers are answered when a group of knights, led by Ulric (Sean Bean) shows up needing a guide just by the place he was supposed to meet her. He goes with them.

Things fall apart, of course, rather quickly. These knights are tired, they are to the point where they would rather just wipe out anybody with even the taint of evil than see if they really are - in a word, their morals have fallen along with many of the dead in the horrid plague. Osmund is shocked to see their seeming brutality as he travels with them - their goal: a village has been reported to be free of the plague and so of course it must be because of a witch and a necromancer they believe to be keeping the disease out and also raising the dead (don't know quite how that got mixed into it) and so death must come to all.

Osmund is desolate - passing through the forest he has found bloody bits of Averill's clothing, and knows now that she is dead. They finally reach the vilage by the marsh and find it run by a woman - which of course back then instantly meant 'witch' because she didn't know her place, right? Oh, and everybody's healthy. So the knights declare war on this village with its pretty blonde leader Langiva (Carice van Houten) and her, uh, partner or whatever Hob (Tim McInnerny who, hearing him speak his first sentence had me running for my Blackadder DVDs... sure enough he played Percy in the first two installments and Captain Darling in the fourth) and their utopian-like village (they were the only ones who looked like they ever bathed). Soon though the soldiers are imprisoned and told they will be set free if they recant (deny God).

Osmund is staunch even seeing the supposed 'resurrection' of his beloved Averill by the witch. He finds her seemingly without thought (good almost-zombie behavior without all the makeup) and knowing she is an abomination, he kills her quickly. As the others are taunted to recant or be crucified, Langiva tells Osmund that HE killed his love - she was never dead, only drugged. Despite being tortured, only one recants and is set free - long enough to be hanged. Nice.

Ulric shouts that his men will never renounce God and for that he is prepared to be drawn and quartered. Ouch. But in pure Sean Bean style he stands, umm I mean kneels his ground and refuses to the end to recant. He asks Osmund, who was also released to open his shirt and reveals to the village that he has had the plague for some time and kept it secret. He dies a hero.

Through a series of coincidences that were a little too easy, the rest of the men get loose and go about slaughtering all they can catch. Unfortunately, although Hob is caught and put in some kind of see-through iron maiden to take to the Bishop as proof of their victory. It's not clear whether Langiva is a witch or not or whether she just knows a lot about medicine and is very intelligent (Intelligent women back 'in the day' were often thought to have evil powers 'cause hey, we women don't have brains, do we?) but what she does know better than they is the swamp and despite their chase, she escapes.

So now it is revealed that this utopian village had NOT been protected by a witch - it was just that it was an isolated place and thus free of the disease - until the knights came, especially since they spilled Ulric's blood all over the place. So they start to die. And the movie doesn't wrap in a pretty little package either - Osmund, knowing now that he killed a very much alive Averill now spends his days seeking revenge on the 'witch' Langiva - he becomes a knight and spends his time going from village to village to seek out and burn witches. Problem is, now in his eyes almost every woman IS Langiva and so he has no mercy towards anyone and kills without thought.

So this is one of those thinking type movies - these knights are supposed to be on God's side against Satan yet they rape, kill and pillage at will - the so-called Satan worshipers had a clean, healthy village (until the knights showed up) so who was more righteous? Who was more devout? And wash your hands.