THOSE WHO MAKE CERAMIC DOLLS SHOULDN'T THROW STONES... ISN'T THAT HOW THE EXPRESSION GOES? NO? OH, WELL THEN, THROW ALL THE FREAKING STONES YOU WANT BECAUSE THIS MOVIE DOESN'T EVEN DESERVE A REVIEW...

Annabelle (2014)

Okay, you knew this was coming, didn't you? I mean hey, the Amityville Horror is once again being considered 'factual' even though there are very little facts (and very little still-living witnesses) about what was claimed, written about, and eventually filmed.

This is (as of February 14, 2015) the highest grossing horror film of all time. What the hell is wrong with you people? Yeah, a lot of you thought the movie sucked, but you ain't gonna get your money back, are you? The doll they used has got to be the most freaking ugly thing I've ever seen. Can you imagine buying this monstrosity, much less putting it in a nursery with your newborn child? That's an express ticket to raising a psycho serial killer. But that's not my point and no, I refuse to review this piece of shit.


Interesting how during the Amity craze the Warrens were the best thing since... well, nothing. Then, as time went by, what a shock to find that MOST (they are willing to say that at least) of the happenings in the book about the house in Amity and in the movie WERE EXAGGERATED OR JUST PLAIN MADE UP. The priest never was 'chased' out of the house, the Lutzs themselves later backtracked on a lot of what they claimed, and also contradicted themselves on numerous occasions.

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/ghosts/amityville.asp

But the idiots ruling Hollywood, bereft of original ideas and going for the easy sell, decided to use the fact that time has passed and people have forgotten for the most part the fact that the Warrens were discredited by 'experts' on numerous occasions. The Warren's findings were suspect, and, if they claimed they made no money off of the whole mess, well that was a huge freaking lie too.

But.

Wait... that ain't no doll... what movie is this?

The Warrens, who always claimed to be so-called 'demonologists' have this room in their house full of objects with particularly evil demonics in them. Okay people, demonic is a adjective, not a noun, kay? Everybody on the same page? A demon is, as I've said countless times, merely an angel that has disobeyed God, therefore, why the ever loving shit would they think that such a powerful being could be 'trapped' in anything? 

In The Conjuring, Mr. Warren explains that they keep these objects in one room and a Catholic Priest blesses it (some sources say once a month, some say twice) to prevent any escapes, I guess. That would indicate that all demons are afraid of Catholics, which makes the rest of the world fair game, I suppose. Of course they don't bother to LOCK the door even though they have a child who is very curious as a child would be about a room full of objects that she is never supposed to touch.


ALSO in The Conjuring, Mr. Warren tells the two nurses who have the doll that there never WAS an Annabelle. This little tidbit true or false had to be changed or this movie would contradict itself. Although it already does. And it's stupid. And the people involved are mentally challenged. Or, since everything is fiction anyway and nothing has any solid foundation in fact, they can pretty much change the stories around as they see fit and as they see dollar signs. Tell you what? Wanna see a REALLY scary movie with dolls? Got one for ya - Dead Silence (2007). That one still gives me the creeps, even if Donnie Wahlberg plays an annoying cop who has to follow the dude through the movie (but he dies so that's okay).

Quick overview: Two hippies, a guy and a girl from the 60's go on a slashing spree (To imitate Manson? They don't say). They first murder the neighbors then go after the couple expecting their first child. The woman says 'I like your doll' before slashing her own throat for Hollywood reasons. A drop of blood hits the doll in the face and sucks into her eye. The name of the female slasher? Annabelle. Suck on that you stupid Hollywood idiots!

Now in The Conjuring we had a music box. For Annabelle, we had a doll (although it was nothing like the real one). Have you seen pictures of this so-called room of 'demonics'? Hollywood is going to be making millions for as many years as people can put up with the weak tales of the Warrens and their little toys. 

Demons are fallen angels. How the... ugh. How could they be 'stuck' anywhere? A glass case is supposed to hold this particular 'demonic' as they call it, in a doll? Wow, demons are real weaklings then - why should ANYONE be afraid of them?

If you've ever seen the Warren's "official" website (and I wouldn't bother - the only reason I did was to see what it was for and it's mainly to sell tickets for tours), you'll get a taste of how intelligent these people really are (yes I know Mr. Warren is deceased, but I'm sure there's a whole group hanging on Mrs. Warren's every word). This sentence appears on the face page:

Bare witness to a Raggedy-Ann doll which is responsible for a death of a young man

So. What this sentence is telling me is that they don't know how to spell, they don't know proper grammar, and they apparently don't believe in punctuation either. 

Imagine how shocked I was <sarcasm bubbling to the floor>.

And that's all I have to say about that and any other ridiculous Warren movies they make about these freaking so-called demonic toys.

UNTIL.... DUH DUH DUMMMMMMMM!!!!! Sources are saying that the next piece of shit from Mrs. Warren (and her accountants) will be The Conjuring 2: The Enfield Haunting. It's about two chicks in England who are supposedly possessed. Lorraine personally herself, CROSS HER HEART AND HOPE TO THE GOD WHO'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLY PISSED IF SHE DOESN'T KNOCK THE SHIT OFF, witnessed them levitate.

No of course I didn't just jump off my bed, I'm floatin'...

The movie will be in 2016 so if you're insisting on watching more crap, better start cashing in your 401K's because this is only the beginning folks...

YOU JUST MISQUOTED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT!








The Appearing (2014)

This movie was absolutely terrible. This is yet another possession movie that they claim takes different ideas and twists and turns on itself. What they mean is they don't really have a clear story idea. The director, Daric Gates (who also wrote, produced and edited this garbage), just threw a bunch of stuff together and hoped it stuck. It was apparently an indie film and while I couldn't find out how much this turkey cost, it couldn't have been much - about the only special effect were the really awful contact lenses.

It claims to be based on true events - which basically means it was filmed on the planet Earth and it's true that it just ate at least $20 out of your wallet.


There are so many inconsistencies, movie conveniences, outright no-way-in-hell-could-that-ever-have-happened, garbage that it just makes a horrible, horrible progression of a story. I did look around at other reviews before I started this one because I'm learning that if I check around to see what other people think of a particular movie, I can usually separate those that have actually seen the movie, those who probably worked on the movie, and those who plain just don't know what the hell they're talking about. 

In this instance I would say the 'you don't know what the hell you're talking about' person was one who had some Christian agenda (and I have nothing against Christians, I'm one myself) and made inane comments like, "I love it when the movie starts with a Scripture." What the hell? Whether a movie starts with a Scripture has absolutely nothing to do with whether it's going to be good or not. Believe me. I've seen A LOT of them.

This one particular person said he also liked that they introduced religious elements into the story. Trouble is, most of what they "introduce" were obscure passages from the book of Enoch, which is not part of the Bible. The rest was a demon mangling Bible verses by picking a phrase or two and mashing them together. Is that 'religious'?


I laughed my butt off when one reviewer assumed that Michael was Rachel's dad... that's EXACTLY what I thought for the first 20 minutes or so of the film until she yells at him that he hasn't touched her since....  I still chuckle 'cause I mean... look at him. Now look at her. Now look at him again. Now you have my permission to go get a drink.

You've gotta love the IMDb movie database. For The Appearing (and this is also on top of their Facebook page with just a few word differences), it says: "A woman once possessed by a mysterious entity uncovers a shocking secret about her past and must face the demon that dwells inside of her."

Now, my first thought was geez, that sounds like the beginning of the Incredible Hulk TV show. My second thought was wow, they just gave away the whole movie. The information it gives you're not supposed to learn until the last, oh, say 20 minutes of the movie. Miss Mayhem looked at it, shook her head, and decided to pass. Coward. Just kidding, dear.


It apparently was filmed at Hollywood Studios - that would explain why most of the sets look like concrete block storage units – and I'll explain that later. 

I don't mind people saying they like a religious type of theme to their supernatural movies. Whatever floats your boat, I guess. But throughout this movie, I was reminded of a line from Supernatural Activity, which was used more than once in that movie, and use constantly by me in this movie. Basically: You just misquoted the shit out of that right now.

Now I've pretty much told you the movie already, but I don't feel bad because this isn't a movie you're gonna wanna see anyway. I watched it for you. In front of an old, supposedly cursed house called Granville Manor, teenagers scare each other with talk about someone called Martha May, and how something bad happened there in the 1980s. So, of course, one girl wants to check it out. 

Her very sexually frustrated boyfriend follows her into the house. Apparently, her so-called friends forget all about the two of them because they all go home without caring that those two never came out of the house.

Now we have a sad sack couple who has just moved into what they call Glenwood Bay. Michael is the husband, Rachel is the wife. Their backstory is brief: They have just lost their young daughter who apparently drowned in a swimming pool. So quite by random (that's sarcastic - you'll see why later) they choose this small town to start over. 

Michael becomes a deputy. The Sheriff is named Hendricks. He is played by Don Swayze, the younger brother of Patrick Swayze. The resemblance to the late Patrick is eerie. Even his voice sounds just like him. Sheriff Hendricks puts the couple up in a motel until they can find house.


Right off the bat, Michael is put to work. His first case; the missing teenager who had gone into the so-called cursed house. During his investigation, he finds out that the boyfriend who followed her also was missing. His wife, Rachel is on medication due to, I'm guessing, depression because of the death of their child. She is seeing a psychiatrist at what looks to be a mental asylum because every town in America has a mental asylum, whether used or abandon, except for mine. 


This asylum is run by a doctor played by the always ineffective Dean Cain. I got a pleasant surprise, though, when Rachel left her appointment. Inexplicably, and throughout the whole movie, there are these cages made of concrete and faced with chain link fencing. Everywhere. Anyway, when Rachel walks by one of the interesting looking cages, a wild man starts screaming at her, jumping up and down and spouting gibberish. It's Joe Estevez! I'd know that voice anywhere. Here in this movie he is known simply as (and is credited as) Mental Man. Funny!

Back to Michael. Apparently someone informed him that the boyfriend of the missing girl could be found at this mental asylum. When he gets there, Dr. Shaw (Cain) informs him that the boy was found and is speaking but in, according to them anyway, a dead language. (Did you know that psychiatrists were experts in dead languages? Me neither.)

Rachel sees a small girl running through the woods, and I guess she's going to chase this little girl around for the rest of the movie. And of course the first place they go is to the 'cursed' house where Rachel conveniently finds a necklace of the little girl on the steps. But then the movie shoots off in another direction and we have no idea what happened with the two of them. Get used to it.

Suddenly Rachel is back at the motel, busy being freaked out. We've got the beginning of every PA movie. In other words, doors opening, cabinets opening, things moving, and an unplugged radio that looks like it's from the freaking 20s or 30s is playing even though it's unplugged. Oh, and her nose starts to bleed so we know she's doomed one way or the other because that is a horror movie rule.

Swayze and his super-macho fleur-de-lis

Since Rachel apparently doesn't have anything better to do, she decides that this spooky stuff has to do with the house. She goes back. She goes in. Now this house has been abandoned for God knows how long. But apparently the town has kept the electricity on all those years.

And the non-action grinds on. Swayze has a tattoo on his forearm and he says it shows him to be, and this is not an exact quote, since he likes to quote random fractions of scripture, some sort of warrior for the Lord. It's a fleur-de-lis. Now, since these movies are so bad, and we've wasted (or, actually, I've wasted) time watching the damn thing, we might as well learn a little something. A fleur-de-lis is a stylized Lily that is used as a design or symbol. It can be religious, political, dynastic, artistic, emblematic, and symbolic. So using a fleur-de-lis as a symbol of being a warrior for the Lord is pretty weak sauce. Leave the design for the curtains, son.

Rachel is convinced that she has seen the little girl being murdered by another little girl inside the house. So she gets her husband and the Sheriff and the three of them go to investigate. Now, did I mention that the house has electricity? They go down to the basement, I guess, where we have yet another concrete enclosure with a wire door. What. The. Hell. It is also brightly lit, so much so that, even though the Sheriff and deputy insist on using their flashlights, we cannot even see a beam from either one. Massive, massive duh quantity here. They find nothing.

Hold tight kiddies, were going to get into serious stupid territory here. Rachel is now wandering around in her nightgown and guess where she goes? Say it with me… Saaaaaay iiiiiit... the house. This time she sees supposedly written in blood a message on the wall. It's way too thick to be blood. If they are trying to say this is a dead language, why is it using English letters? I don't expect you to answer that, it was just rhetorical.


Now we get to hear a phrase that's going to be repeated ad nauseam for the rest of the movie: the sad mouse lives in this house. We. Hear. It. Constantly. It is spoken, written, painted, carved, just displayed freaking everywhere. And now people are using Scriptures, except not really because they don't know their Bibles, so what they do is they take a little of this, a little of that, a little of the other thing, and then smush it together and misapply it. Which makes me yell at the screen (my hubby hates that) you just misquoted the shit out of that right now!

So what happened to the original teenage girl? Rachel can find her without even trying. She's sitting there in the woods when she sees something strange. It's the partially covered body of the teenager. But the real giggle, actually the only giggle of the whole movie besides Joe Estevez, is when the blonde is in the morgue. Somebody should have warned this dead body that she was going to be touched. 

The coroner uncovers her head and starts her speech about what the cause of death is, running her hand over the girl's forehead. This causes the dead girl to flinch, her eyebrows raising up about half an inch. And you know how some so-called corpses can't seem to hold their breath long enough during a scene? 


Well, this woman shows the corpse's abdomen which for some reason has a long sewn slit across it. That's not a usual autopsy scar - I have no idea what that was for. All I know is, this corpse was very ticklish, because when the coroner touches her above the scar, the abdomen shakes. It would be funny if this were the end of the movie.

Back to the perils of Pauline. Whoops, I mean Rachel. Rachel, who obviously didn't have all her marbles when she got there, is obviously losing it big time. She walks outside her hotel room where she spends all her time when she's not finding dead bodies, and sees a bloody knife on the porch. So, being a deputy's wife, she does the only logical thing – she picks the damn thing up. So much for evidence. 

She runs out into the woods because that's all there is in this town, a mental asylum, a Sheriff's office, a motel, a cursed house, and the woods. Once out in the woods she does a bit of yoga – by that I mean, she bends backwards till her head touches her feet and apparently that is Hollywood's version of being possessed. Oh, that and bad contact lenses. 

Now that she's possessed, almost everything she says is some sort of misapplied Scripture because the moviemakers know almost nothing about the Bible, but apparently they assume that demons know the Bible much better than most people do. Sadly, that is actually true. After all, they were there when it was written.

There are those that truly try to read and apply Bible truth, but those people are a small part of the population and none of them are in this movie.


Okay, I've tortured you with this movie long enough. Now let's get down to the absolutely incredible coincidences and contrivances. Michael finds out that Rachel used to live in this totally random small town they just moved into. Everybody knew it. Nobody told him. Rachel is the older sister of the little girl she's been chasing through this whole damn movie. And, apparently while in this cursed house, she stabbed her to death. She then put her in a convenient garbage bag that she carried around with her and buried her sister in the woods. 

She was found and put in this mental asylum, which apparently is pretty busy for a small town. How does he find this out, you ask? Yes, I know you didn't ask. Doctor Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell says that she was brought in when he was an intern there. What. The. Hell. Oh, the Sheriff knew it too. You see, his wife was Martha May, who was thought to be possessed in the cursed house, so an exorcism was performed which went terribly wrong, and she died.


But. Now the Sheriff is trying to tell Michael that his wife was a slut. He had found her with her lover and had concluded that she was possessed. So for whatever reason they're in that cursed house down in that weird basement that was completely lit up with a Catholic priest to exorcise her. Was she really possessed? The movie starts to wobble like an old tire whose lug nuts are about to fall off. Apparently during this supposed exorcism, Maggie May – whoops, sorry I meant Martha May – comes on to the priest and tries to seduce him. This enrages the Sheriff and he stabs her to death. So she was not exorcised, she was murdered.

And speaking of murdered, the boyfriend of the dead blonde (who kept writing that damned 'sad mouse' message too) is found in his cell after he has apparently castrated himself with some small sharp object and explains that his lust got the best of him inside the house and he raped and murdered her. He then dies.

Backing up just slightly, Dean Cain, really, really bad doctor, explains to Michael that when Rachel was in the mental asylum as a child, she wrote that 'sad mouse lives in this house' crap all the time. He explains that sad mouse is an anagram for Amadeus – wait, no, that's not right. 

What's the snake for? Hey, they
didn't tell me so I ain't telling you...

It's Asmodeus. Who? Well, Cain explains, in the book of Enoch… Oh freaking hell. The book of Enoch seems to be used a lot in movies, probably because it has a lot of so-called juicy stuff in it, and the Bible is just sooooo boring. Just so we're clear, the book of Enoch is not part of the Bible. It is not an inspired work as stated in 2 Timothy 3:16 "All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness..."

So why do these movies like to quote from the book of Enoch anyway? Because in this book are stories about demons and angels and all kinds of happenings that are not in the Bible and people who use quotes from it take it as Gospel, pun intended. So, Dean Cain quotes from this book, as one of his nurses takes a copy of it from his bookshelf. Gee, I didn't know that was required reading for doctors. 

Anywho, Cain explains that this demon was one of seven cast down from heaven. Wow, only seven? I could've swore that there were slightly more demons around than that. The other six were Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, Nasty, Impossibility and Hostility. This particular demon was cast down and is in charge of twisting men's desires. That's all? That's all its' got to do? And there's only seven? Oh and I like that he says they were cast down into hell but are on earth. Whaaa? Now we've got hell on earth. Groovy.

Michael grabs the Catholic priest who did the first failed exorcism and the Sheriff, and they all go to Granville Manor to try to save Rachel. Now the movie is trying to say that Asmodeus was in both women, even though one was a slut and one was crazy. Michael keeps telling the Catholic priest that he can now redeem himself by saving Rachel. We have the typical exorcism crap, except he doesn't do the 'the blood of the Christ compels you' stuff he simply screams for the woman to name the demon. Why they think that would work, I have no freaking idea. Finally she says… something. And now she's normal. Well, not normal, now she's just crazy.

So. Michael is now the Sheriff, the ex-Sheriff is in jail for killing his wife, the Catholic priest is inexplicably still in the basement, and Rachel is in the asylum so that she can have meaningful conversations with Joe Estevez. That about sums things up. Well, no, it really doesn't, but there is no summing up this mess.

If this movie's ideas had been coherent, it might have said that evil is where you find it. Are people possessed or just mentally ill? Are people possessed or just sexually promiscuous or prone to other sins? Who really is evil and who is innocent? And why did I just waste 90 minutes of my life watching this waste of film?

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE THEY SELLING TO OUR CHILDREN???

And I'm Not Just Talking About A Doll That Shoots Flames Out Of Its' Butt

That's a real thing by the way - if you're REALLY good maybe I'll put it at the end of this entry...

Miss Mayhem here.

While Miss Murder convalesces, I asked her which movie she'd like to see reviewed next. I don't know how the conversation came up, but we got to talking about some of the stupidest scenes we've seen in horror movies. Actually, I should say mostly the stupidest scenes Miss Murder has seen, since she seen a lot more horror movies than I have. 

Funny though, for as new as I am with this movie review stuff, I still have seen a handful of them with so-called séance scenes and so was able to concur 100% with Miss Murder about how formulaic these scenes are, no matter which movie you're watching.

We took some notes down and put them together. Movie séance scenes are easy to predict and basically they happen this way: Two to six stupid teenagers (which usually means they're at least 25 or older) get together with some sort of spirit board as a joke or, sometimes, as a so-called serious way of finding out information they think they need to know.

It doesn't matter what they use. Miss Murder has said she's seen them use regular boards, sometimes scraps of paper, sometimes a glass instead of a planchette (the wooden thingy with a glass or plastic circle so you can see the letters/numbers), and in a couple of cases, they just plain scratched out the letters on the floor.

The idiot teenagers gather around the board giggling because, of course, this is just for fun. They all swear at each other and yell 'be serious dammit' as they place their hands on whatever device they happen to be using in the movie. Of course, no one actually believes that this is going to work. In fact, at least two or three of them will continue to repeat 'this is not going to work'. Massive, massive duh, as Miss Murder would say. 

Miss Murder remembers this commercial - 

there was another one too, even older, but she couldn't find it...

Point is, listen to the voices - the commercial is for kids.

The planchette, or whatever they're using, begins to move. Invariably, we hear them argue with each other 'you're moving it', 'no, you're moving it', 'no, you're moving it', ad nauseam. Finally, somebody asks their question. The planchette, or whatever, begins to move toward their answer because, in movies, Ouija boards always work.

The table goes flying in 3...2...

After getting several answers and giggling like idiots (because they're usually drunk too), they realize that the planchette or whatever is moving by itself. Of course, this signals the end of their so-called fun. Now they start to get scared. Invariably, they say stupid things like 'We shouldn't have done this man!' or something close to it, and all get up to get away from this horrible, horrible thing. 

But that's not good enough for today's horror moviemakers because they need to pound us over the head with their supernatural movie duh point because apparently they think their audience is too stupid to get it otherwise.

Made just for girls... tee hee...

So we get scenes like the board throwing itself off the table, or the planchette flying off across the room, or, in one case, where the board was not a board, but letters drawn onto a table, the whole table flying across the room. All scream and run like rabbits and we get more stupid special effects before the movie ends.

Not to say that there hasn't been some interesting, umm, variations. We have seen people use 'Simon Says' toys (green beeps for yes, red for no), and in one particularly hilarious case, some kind of World War I gas mask attached to a tube which in turn is attached to some sort of listening device. If you do not watch horror movies, know that we are NOT kidding. If you do watch horror movies, you know exactly which movie we're talking about.

Glows in the dark!

The movie Supernatural Activity (not to be confused with Paranormal Activity) spoofed this in their movie about different massively stupid horror movies. The main character offers to bring out his Ouija board to the immediate horror of the others who tell him no way. 

In an aside to the camera, he says always offer the Ouija, they never want the Ouija. When the others tell him that he needs to get rid of that 'demon board' he offers to set it on fire. This brings about another fit of panic from the others who tell him 'do not burn the Ouija'. In another aside to the camera, he says always offer to burn the Ouija, they never want to burn the Ouija. 

I love that movie (says Miss Murder) because it has more truth and more common sense in a movie that supposed to be a comedy spoof then most horror movies that are trying to be serious.

So. Miss Murder said I could go ahead and print this little conversation if I wanted to, as long as I do a little research about the Ouija board and how such a dangerous object (yes people, this is not a game) has become something that retailers have pointed towards small children. 

I did the research, the gist of which follows. If you're really good and read some of it, you can watch the video of a flame shooting out of a butt of a doll at the end.

No one really knows a specific date when this became popular, although spiritism, or the attempt to 'speak with the dead' is something as old as the Bible, which by the way, condemns it. Galations 5:19: "Now the works of the flesh are plainly seen, and they are sexual immorality, uncleanness, brazen conduct, idolatry, spiritism, hostility, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, dissensions, divisions, sects, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and things like these. I am forewarning you about these things, the same way I already warned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit God’s Kingdom."

But of course the practice has become widespread and even trivialized - after all, one recent version of the Ouija board 'game' sets the age of the users as "8 to 15". How did the board itself start? No one knows exactly, but a patent was applied for and granted at the beginning of the 1900's for the planchette, while the board itself has had a myriad of versions. 

In the mid 1800's, spiritism became all the rage as a parlor game, usually led by a medium using a planchette with an opening for a pen, with which she (or he I guess) conducted what is called 'automatic writing' where she/he goes into a trance and what is written on the paper comes straight from the spirits - I guess.

The planchette has hundreds of variations, including the one with the hole in it to use with an ever-changing addition - the Ouija board. Following its commercial introduction by businessman Elijah Bond in 1890, the Ouija board was still regarded as a harmless parlor game unrelated to the occult until American Spiritualist Pearl Curran popularized its use as a divining tool during World War I.

This looks about right...

In February, 1891, the first few advertisements started appearing in papers: “Ouija, the Wonderful Talking Board,” boomed a Pittsburgh toy and novelty shop, describing a magical device that answered questions “about the past, present and future with marvelous accuracy” and promised “never-failing amusement and recreation for all the classes,” a link “between the known and unknown, the material and immaterial.” Another advertisement in a New York newspaper declared it “interesting and mysterious” and testified, “as Proven at Patent Office before it was allowed. Price, $1.50.”

What's funny (at least I thought so) was all these places I found information from made sure to tell people about the skepticism of those in the scientific communities - that they called the phenomenon a hoax related to the ideomotor response. I kept reading it as the 'idiotmeter response'. I like mine better. 

Not everyone thought it was so 'marvelous' - it was blamed for all sorts of atrocities and deviant behavior, and some pretty recently.

In West Richland, WA in 2007, there was a horrific double murder of a mother and her daughter. The killers were two teenage boys, one her own son, 15-year-old Don Schalchlin, the  other 16-year-old Joshua Tucker. Tucker's mother tried to claim that he had carried out the murders while possessed by the Devil who found him when he was using a Ouija board. The courts were not moved - he is currently serving nearly 41 years after pleading guilty. The son? He got a mere seven years, for trying to 'cover up' the crime. Nice.

The Mars Volta (an American rock band established in 2001 who broke up in 2012) wrote their album 'Bedlam in Goliath' based on their alleged experiences with a Ouija board. According to their story (written for them by a fiction author, Jeremy Robert Johnson), Omar Rodriguez Lopez (their guitar player) purchased one while traveling in Jerusalem. At first the board provided a story which became the theme for the album. 

Strange events allegedly related to this activity occurred during the recording of the album: the studio flooded, one of the album's main engineers had a nervous breakdown, equipment began to malfunction, tracks would disappear at random, and Cedric Bixler-Zavala's foot was injured. Following these bad experiences the band buried the Ouija board. 

On January 2, 2008, they released an online game called "Goliath: The Soothsayer". The album chronicles the band's purported experience with the "Soothsayer", (the Ouija board) and its transition from a source of fun on tour to a psycho-spiritual force that almost tore the band apart.

In London in 1994, convicted murderer Stephen Young was granted a retrial after it was learned that four of the jurors had conducted a Ouija board seance and had "contacted" the murdered man, who had named Young as his killer. Young was convicted for a second time at his retrial and jailed for life.

Those are three modern examples but there are many, many more. Point being, the board is NOT a toy, NOT a game, and definitely NOT for children. You wanna mess with that stuff, keep your kids out of it. Mainstream religions and some occultists have associated use of a Ouija board with the concept of demonic possession, and view the use of the board as a spiritual threat and have cautioned their followers not to use a Ouija board - but those with a modicum of reason should know that already.

Anywho, here's some history of the progression of this 'game': Elijah Bond and Charles Kennard had the idea to get the patent. An employee of Kennard, William Fuld, took over the talking board production and in 1901, he started production of his own boards under the name "Ouija". Kennard claimed he learned the name "Ouija" from using the board and that it was an ancient Egyptian word meaning "good luck." When Fuld took over production of the boards, he popularized the more widely accepted etymology, that the name came from a combination of the French and German words for "yes".

Product Description from the Manufacturer:

Whether you call it Wee-Gee or Wee-Ja, the Classic Ouija board spells fun.
Just ask it a question and wait to see what answer the Mystifying Oracle will
reveal to you. Includes a sturdy wood Ouija board featuring original graphics
and plastic message indicator. WARNING: Choking hazard for children under 3 yrs.
Product Description: Plastic game unit with Pop-O-Matic die roller, 16 Playing Pegs (4 Yellow, 4 Green, 4 Blue, 4 Red), and English and Spanish Instructions.
(WHOOPS! I think they got their games crossed - I don't see any pegs, do you?)

Miss Manners: Ohhhh, this is what they were talking about - 1980's 
Pop-O-Matic Trouble game. This was one of those board games
 my so-called male parental unit would throw against the wall in fury 
after playing for about ten minutes. Gee my childhood was fun...

The Fuld name would become synonymous with the Ouija board, as Fuld reinvented its history, claiming that he himself had invented it. The strange talk about the boards from Fuld's competitors flooded the market, and all these boards enjoyed a heyday from the 1920s through the 1960s. Fuld sued many companies over the "Ouija" name and concept right up until his death in 1927. In 1966, Fuld's estate sold the entire business to Parker Brothers, which was sold to Hasbro in 1991, and which continues to hold all trademarks and patents. About ten brands are sold today under various names. You might hear such names as 'spirit board', 'witch board', 'talking board', 'Volo board', or 'Igili board'.

Unfortunately, to this day Hasbro continues to market this freaking thing, mostly to children. And you wonder why your kid won't sleep without a night-light.

Sources: Smithsonian, Wikipedia, Google

And now, because you've been good: A review of the Fanny Flambeaux doll that is apparently part of the Smokin' Pussies gang. Not really surprising as you'll see in the video.

To be perfectly honest though - the doll turned out to be a fraud - manufactured by substances listed on the video page - but funny nonetheless!

❦❦❦ Miss Mayhem ❦ ❦ ❦

I WANT MY FREAKING LIFE BACK! AKA DUMB, DUMBER, DUMBEST, DUMBESTEST, DUMBELDORE, DUMBLEBEE, DUMBDERDUMBDEDUMB

Movies To Avoid Like The Plague They Are

So I found a movie that was not only a story and strong characters with little blood and gore and a happy ending. So it's only logical that for the next umpteenth movies I find nothing but crap. Massive amounts of crap. I was going to watch a documentary by the Booth brothers called Children Of The Grave (2007) just for something halfway smart - but it's about paranormal activity (never seen I'm sure) whenever they sneak around scaring each other. When they said that over the past century thousands of mass graves have been uncovered I yelled (I was getting pretty frustrated at that point) 'Where else are they going to be buried, the moon?' 

And when they continued that 2/3 of them were.. the hubby pipes up with 'DEAD!' so since I knew that this was a supposedly sad piece of garbage about orphaned children in mass graves I stopped it right there. I WAS proud of my husband though - when they said over half of EVPs are those of children he asked what an EVP was. 

That means dear readers he hasn't been exposed to ridiculous movies in mass quantities. I envy him. And I gave him the Supernatural Activity movie definition of an EVP:

(Damon Dealer) Electronic Voice Phenomenon: See, with demons we all know they're very powerful creatures. They're large, they have razor sharp teeth, claws, the whole nine. For whatever reason though, they have very weak diaphragms. And so when it comes to electronics, their voices just don't carry very well. So what we do is blow up the files, and we basically look for any sort of speed bumps.

I love that movie.

So because I got a good movie, karma (and lists made by movie reviewers who are total morons) dictates that I must suffer through a bad one. But they got worse... and worse... and worse... and yikes! There's one that may have some redeeming qualities because of the spook and the almost-interesting story so I'll do that one separate - in the meantime I've got these:




Revenant aka An American Ghost Story (2012): I started watching this and getting uncomfortable deja vu. I realized that I had seen this one and not reviewed it (it was on my review list though) so I sighed, settled back and started my horror worksheet (patent pending). I will give some snaps though - it was shot for $10,000, and the Director, Derek Cole, actually used his own house for the shoot. So for extremely low budget, low interest horror, I can't put this one on the bottom of the pile.

This is a haunted house movie with the setup being a writer named Paul and his girlfriend move into a house where a man killed his family then himself (uh, ah forget it) so that he can 'get in touch' with the spirits he's sure are still in the house and write a book about it. 

This time (meaning in this movie since it's just like every other haunted house movie out there) the girlfriend knows the whole thing before she moves in with him and is actually looking forward to some Casper moments. AND he actually admits he wants to cash in on the current popularity of anything paranormal.

She lasts ONE DAY (yes, they spell out each day for you) - after the typical creaks, doors opening, balls bouncing and rolling, then the kitchen doing a 'Poltergeist' on her and piles up all the chairs on top of the table like nobody's ever seen in a movie before (because ghosts are just frustrated, sports oriented house decorators who want things a certain way) he finds her crying in a corner and she's outta there. I guess she stayed long enough to warrant putting her on the movie poster.

Nothing happens to him though. He wanders, trying all the first grade ghost hunter things to do (Let's not go into the EVP and stuff again, 'kay?) Nothing. Finally, one night something is in bed with him. We get the body-shaped sheet with nothing under it - wow, scary stuff. I'm yawning so hard my jaw pops. And the 95 minutes of torture isn't over. He wanders around, asks the houseowner questions - when the owner asks why and he admits he's writing a book, my favorite line comes up, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Touche'. 

Another funny is when his friend sets him up on the email gag of making you look real close at a picture then ROOOOOOAAAAR! A scary picture pops up and screams at you. Geez, we were doing that in the 90's. Did anyone ever get the 'haunted car commercial' gag sent to them? Trouble was, it wasn't effective if you didn't have the sound way up - but it still makes you jump.

Finally toys start to move and he thinks he's in touch with the kids and wife but the murdering husband isn't cooperating. So he gets nasty and the 'dad' appears.... standing under a sheet. Let me say that again. WE. HAVE. A. GHOST. UNDER. A. SHEET.

Of course this escalates as the spirit (who appears to like the sheet a lot, he keeps it on) as Paul starts to get thrown around the house, banging him off walls, ceiling, whatever. Too bad there wasn't a running ceiling fan, that would have been funny. So with REAL (pffft) evidence of a haunting, Paul decides he doesn't want to write a book that bad and moves out immediately.

He gets out and moves to the city (still no girlfriend, she must not have forgiven him) and our last scene is of him talking to his friend, thanking him for packing up the last of his stuff and sending it. He opens the last box...

Do I really have to say this? Fine. The last item in the box is a sheet and it attacks him. The end.

Apartment 1303 3D (2012): I understand that this is a US/Canadian version of the Japanese film of the same name (just not in 3D). I really REALLY wish I could have seen the Japanese version. Oh and a disclaimer - nothing happened anything like the poster so don't be disappointed.

When you have to attempt to watch a movie more than twice, that's a pretty good indication to not bother trying anymore - but I did because <points at blog name>. So on my third try this is what this movie was:

Rebecca De Mornay comes out of whatever closet she's been hiding in to play a drunken has-been singer who has two adult daughters desperate to get away from her. The youngest has found this apartment with a fantastic view in a spiffy building (it even has a mini mart on the ground floor). She signs a lease sight unseen.

The apartment apparently has a history and the second the girl tries to spend a day there, she freaks. Things move, smells come and go, she thinks she sees another face in the mirror blah blah blah.... she asks for help from her boyfriend who apparently is George Michael from the early 90's that somebody captured and brought here in a time machine.

Despite his 'help' the spirits get her and toss her out the window. Splat. So the older sister, just as eager to get away from her mother, tries her hand at living in the place. She finds out that four girls (including her sister) have 'jumped' off the balcony within days of renting the place. But, the officer says solemnly, buildings don't kill people, people kill people. I inhaled some of my pop up my nose at that one thank you very much.

After I stopped coughing and spitting nasty words at the screen, I continued with the movie. There is NOTHING to this movie but a small backstory of a mother who abused her kid so when the kid was big enough she killed her, stuffed her in a closet, and when the smell was bad enough for the police to show up, she jumped off the balcony. That's it. So it's Ju-on but not nearly as interesting.

George Michael's past self turns out to be a cop so he stays with the older sister to see what's what. He gets thrown out the window and is impaled with glass. When the sister finds him she grabs a knife for protection - just as her mother comes in. She tells her mom to stay away but the 'spirit' of the angry daughter shoves the mother into the knife.

The cops show up and of course now the older sister is looking forward to either prison for life or a straightjacket because buildings don't kill... (cough cough cough dammit cough cough)...

The Unbroken (2012): This is 100 minutes of total bullcrap that belongs on the Lifetime channel (because men are evil and they will hurt you). An artist has just gone through a bad divorce (her husband knocked up some 19 year old) and has to move into what they describe as a dumpy apartment complex. Exqueeze me? It's clean, new, with a great swimming pool in the middle. Exactly what part was dumpy?

Anyway, this whole thing is an insult. Daniel Baldwin is now guaranteed to be a psycho in every low budget horror movie he's in now (if you see him in the credits, you might as well give the movie a pass), the woman playing Sarah was so... blah it was impossible to feel sorry for her. The 20 something guy trying to help her (and dying for it) had more personality than any of them put together.

This movie also boasts having Warwick Davis (Willow) in it and this is the biggest insult of the whole movie - they cast him as an owner of a new age store full of incense, tarot cards and other pieces of crap and you realize that they're trying to copy the character of Tangina in Poltergeist - just because he is a little person. What an insult to him and to his talent - he did NOT deserve to be in this movie and I hope somebody apologized to him afterward because he got fu.... screwed.

Oh, Sarah is 'haunted' by a little boy who finally gives her enough clues to show that Daniel Baldwin's character killed him and buried him in the shed out back of the apartments. DUH. 

After fifty scenes of shattering glass we finally get the police to investigate after Daniel's killed and yup there was a body... of a woman, not a little boy. In the end she sees the little boy has moved on to the apartment next door. Why? I DON'T CARE WHY I JUST WANT MY 100 MINUTES BACK!

......and finally, the crap de resistance......



Jug Face (2013): If you live in the South, prepare to be very insulted. If you are a snooty 'high concept' reviewer, go ahead and tout this film as a thoughtful and stark piece of horror. Idiots. This movie which uses every inbred stereotype there could possibly be, plus a lot they just made up on the spot. This was THE WORST waste of 81 minutes I've experienced in the last... uh, what day is it?


But I've learned an important lesson today. Buildings don't kill people, pits kill people. The pit wants what it wants. Ow, sorry about that - I think I just experienced an aneurysm. This piece of backwoods hooey is about a lackluster girl who wants out of her little community. She's got a good reason - she's been promised to a guy (and her mom checks to make sure she's still a virgin - no I will NOT explain that).

Trouble is our girl is knocked up already - by her brother who, in a crowd of plain rednecks, looks like he climbed out of an Aberfimbie and Crotch catalog. Yeah I know. That's what I said the first time out loud and the hubby after laughing at me for about an hour made me keep it that way. Said it was the only good part of the movie and he's right.

What is the pit? It's a hole. In the ground. With some water in it. They color it red if it 'takes' somebody. Sorry dude, that's it. The pit is their... religion I guess you'd call it. When it wants blood, they sacrifice one of their own. Who? Whoever's face a dull witted potter makes into a 'jug face' while in some sort of trance. 

The girl finds one with her likeness and hides it which angers the... uh, pit. The murders by an unseen (read really cheap) creature begin. One by one they die until she 'fesses up that she and her bro' have been doing the nasty. They can't ask him if that was true, he died already.

She runs, the potter tries to help, she's caught, they're whipped, she miscarries, she runs, more die, she's sorry, she comes back, they kill her as the potter watches in sorrow because for whatever reason he loved her. The end.


I'm gonna go watch some cartoons now... after my head stops throbbing...

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